Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Could I get full custody?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    First, quick summary.

    Joint vs sole custody is strictly about decision-making. Does one person choose the school, the religion, and make the health decisions, or do both people discuss it and come to an agreement. In most cases, joint custody is far better because both parents are responsible for their child, together or divorced, and it's healthy for children to see that. On the other hand, when there are issues of abuse, severe mental health issues, incompetence, etc, then it's best for the child if only one parent makes those major decisions.

    Your second issue is really access, which is how the parents divide up caregiving time for the child and set the schedule for when each parent have the child residing with them. Again, it's healthier for children to have two parents equally involved in their lives, both demonstrating their love. However, parents are not created equal, and every situation is unique.

    The main issue you need to find out is what does he want? What does he think is best for your children? You really can't proceed without knowing what his feelings on the matter are. He may be unwilling to stop his party lifestyle for the sake of his children, which is of course extremely disappointing and sad. In that case you end up with most of the access. Sometimes this is called full custody, which is why it muddies up the joint/sole descriptions for decision-making. Or he may be pursuing that lifestyle at present because of the stress he feels in his marriage, and give it up once he has his own life apart from you. In that case, you both share the children equally in some fair fashion that accommodates everyone's schedule as much as possible. This is often called shared custody, also a confusing term.

    The critical thing is that you can't make these decisions for him. You have to discuss this with him, find out what he wants. We can already tell what you want. If you can find a way to meet in the middle, that's great. Otherwise, you have to go to court. And that is where you must have EVIDENCE to prove why he should not have decision-making, or very much access. And from what you've mentioned, I am not sure you have very solid evidence. He goes out and gets drunk when someone else is looking after the children. He's belligerent with you when he's hung over and the children witness it. He's driven while intoxicated. Do you have any documentation, not just recordings, of any of this? Any police contact for his impaired driving where there might be a report? Any history of situations where he was solely responsible for the children and screwed it up?

    If he wants shared access, all he has to do is assure the judge that you're overreacting, it wasn't that bad, it was situational, he doesn't intend to drink on his time with the children, etc.

    If he doesn't want shared access, hash out a schedule for when he does want the children, and work from there without court.

    You also really need to sit down and think to yourself, are you reacting this way because you are influenced by your anger at his adultery? You are likely feeling very hurt, but should the children lose a father just because you have lost a husband? Is it really the best thing for your children to grow up without a father? He may not be the most loving father you would want him to be, but there's a whole lot of middle ground you are trying to eliminate here.

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by Rioe View Post
      Any police contact for his impaired driving where there might be a report? Any history of situations where he was solely responsible for the children and screwed it up?
      There is only one police incident on record, this is related to a stalking/harrassment situation at the home of one of his girlfriends, but it did not involve the children in any way. I am guessing I won`t be able to use that though, as it seems prior behaviour has no bearing.

      Thanks you everyone for your insights.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by NSL View Post
        There is only one police incident on record, this is related to a stalking/harrassment situation at the home of one of his girlfriends, but it did not involve the children in any way. I am guessing I won`t be able to use that though, as it seems prior behaviour has no bearing.

        Thanks you everyone for your insights.
        Oh, prior behaviour is EVERYTHING. It just has to be relevant prior behaviour that has something to do with his parenting ability for it to affect his possible access.

        As Tayken would have said, evidence must be cogent and relevant.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by oink View Post
          Well....it will be interesting using that one in your situation considering you are in the same house, that he is stalking and harrasing you
          That's not what I meant, it was just as a response when people asked if there was anything documented, besides my recordings. It was not against me as I clearley stated. He was intoxicated, and it would just show that I am not coming out of left field with wild accusations. People are always asking for the full story in this forum, I was just trying to provide it.

          Comment


          • #20
            I am guessing I won`t be able to use that though, as it seems prior behaviour has no bearing.
            If you end up having a custody evaluation...whether with OCL or a private evaluator...they will definitely ask you about past behavior. And you can bring up as many negative things about him as you like.

            I think what the posters are trying to pass along to you in this thread is how the professionals that deal with custody evaluations think and how they process the information you're giving them. And I can tell you from personal experience that trying to dig up a bunch of miscellaneous dirt about your stbx to use in a custody evaluation generally tends to be a really bad idea.

            I have no doubt that he hasn't done very well as a loyal and loving husband..and that he's made a lot of serious errors in judgement. You have my sympathies for that because I know that it feels completely unfair and unjust right now.

            But when custody is decided, the professionals really only care about one thing....the best interest of the children. And every study out there says that children of divorce have a high chance of success with two parents...especially two parents who are invested in REDUCING conflict.

            So put yourself in their shoes for a second with that mindset.

            If you have a woman who's obviously showing signs of anger and bitterness at her ex...who wants 'get back at him'..and comes in very negative...dishing out nothing but past allegations about her ex...who isn't focused on moving forward in a positive light and giving the ex the benefit of the doubt and communicating well with him. How do you think an evaluator will perceive that? Remember that their goal here is to maximize healthy relationships between the children and both parents.

            Custody evaluators do not expect perfect parents. They understand that a parent that maybe hasn't taken the front seat before will have to adjust and step up to the plate...they give lots of leeway for that. They also know that when people are in bad marriages...they often make bad decisions....so while they look at past behavior...they're asking themselves how relevant it is to future capability. Barring a parent with a mental issue, drug/alcohol history, violence history, police records...they give a lot of leeway here too.

            Even people with mental illnesses or drug/alcohol issues, etc can be successful in custody evaluations if they can show that they're getting help and fixing the issues.

            So the bar to get sole custody is extremely hard...that's what we're trying to tell you.

            And believe me, he's in the same boat. If he thinks he's going to get sole custody by going into a custody review and bashing the hell out of you...he can forget it. In fact, hope that he makes that mistake...he'll sink his own boat.

            I know when you're upset and emotional, this is really tough to hear because I know you truly believe that you are the parent that put in the time, the energy and the commitment to be the kid's mom while he was running around and thinking of himself only. I get it.

            However, his being a crappy husband doesn't preclude the fact that he may end up being an ok dad when he's on his own. He'll probably never be the perfect father that you wanted for your kids...but they'll have a father. And having an active father gives your kids a much higher chance of a happy, healthy life. Its tough to put your anger aside right now and think of the kids when its so fresh..but it does get easier with time.

            Comment


            • #21
              Thank you for your response Pursuinghappiness, it is much appreciated and has valuable information for me.

              Comment


              • #22
                If there is no issue with abuse I dont see why 50/50 cant work.He has developed learned helplessness because you let him.You have always picked up the slack.Now its time for you to get yourself a new life with the kids too.With joint you have alot more time for dating and doing stuff for you.Often we get set in our roles as parents and simply forget that we are so much more than that.It is one of our roles, but not the sole defining one.

                I find in so many cases it boils down to the cold hard cash and that's rather unfortunate.A parent being a parent merely for the promise of cash outcome is not a parent at all.Without a promise of good future earnings my ex would not have attempted custody .But money makes the mare go, weither she has legs or no.(Scottish saying).In your case with both of you working you would benefit from the break and quite frankly the loose anytime suits, access, you are trying for.. is balls.Its not going to work.You have no routine and kids dig routines .Let him try and if he fails ..well then you will get them anyway.My two cents...wait I better make that five

                Comment

                Our Divorce Forums
                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                Working...
                X