First, quick summary.
Joint vs sole custody is strictly about decision-making. Does one person choose the school, the religion, and make the health decisions, or do both people discuss it and come to an agreement. In most cases, joint custody is far better because both parents are responsible for their child, together or divorced, and it's healthy for children to see that. On the other hand, when there are issues of abuse, severe mental health issues, incompetence, etc, then it's best for the child if only one parent makes those major decisions.
Your second issue is really access, which is how the parents divide up caregiving time for the child and set the schedule for when each parent have the child residing with them. Again, it's healthier for children to have two parents equally involved in their lives, both demonstrating their love. However, parents are not created equal, and every situation is unique.
The main issue you need to find out is what does he want? What does he think is best for your children? You really can't proceed without knowing what his feelings on the matter are. He may be unwilling to stop his party lifestyle for the sake of his children, which is of course extremely disappointing and sad. In that case you end up with most of the access. Sometimes this is called full custody, which is why it muddies up the joint/sole descriptions for decision-making. Or he may be pursuing that lifestyle at present because of the stress he feels in his marriage, and give it up once he has his own life apart from you. In that case, you both share the children equally in some fair fashion that accommodates everyone's schedule as much as possible. This is often called shared custody, also a confusing term.
The critical thing is that you can't make these decisions for him. You have to discuss this with him, find out what he wants. We can already tell what you want. If you can find a way to meet in the middle, that's great. Otherwise, you have to go to court. And that is where you must have EVIDENCE to prove why he should not have decision-making, or very much access. And from what you've mentioned, I am not sure you have very solid evidence. He goes out and gets drunk when someone else is looking after the children. He's belligerent with you when he's hung over and the children witness it. He's driven while intoxicated. Do you have any documentation, not just recordings, of any of this? Any police contact for his impaired driving where there might be a report? Any history of situations where he was solely responsible for the children and screwed it up?
If he wants shared access, all he has to do is assure the judge that you're overreacting, it wasn't that bad, it was situational, he doesn't intend to drink on his time with the children, etc.
If he doesn't want shared access, hash out a schedule for when he does want the children, and work from there without court.
You also really need to sit down and think to yourself, are you reacting this way because you are influenced by your anger at his adultery? You are likely feeling very hurt, but should the children lose a father just because you have lost a husband? Is it really the best thing for your children to grow up without a father? He may not be the most loving father you would want him to be, but there's a whole lot of middle ground you are trying to eliminate here.
Joint vs sole custody is strictly about decision-making. Does one person choose the school, the religion, and make the health decisions, or do both people discuss it and come to an agreement. In most cases, joint custody is far better because both parents are responsible for their child, together or divorced, and it's healthy for children to see that. On the other hand, when there are issues of abuse, severe mental health issues, incompetence, etc, then it's best for the child if only one parent makes those major decisions.
Your second issue is really access, which is how the parents divide up caregiving time for the child and set the schedule for when each parent have the child residing with them. Again, it's healthier for children to have two parents equally involved in their lives, both demonstrating their love. However, parents are not created equal, and every situation is unique.
The main issue you need to find out is what does he want? What does he think is best for your children? You really can't proceed without knowing what his feelings on the matter are. He may be unwilling to stop his party lifestyle for the sake of his children, which is of course extremely disappointing and sad. In that case you end up with most of the access. Sometimes this is called full custody, which is why it muddies up the joint/sole descriptions for decision-making. Or he may be pursuing that lifestyle at present because of the stress he feels in his marriage, and give it up once he has his own life apart from you. In that case, you both share the children equally in some fair fashion that accommodates everyone's schedule as much as possible. This is often called shared custody, also a confusing term.
The critical thing is that you can't make these decisions for him. You have to discuss this with him, find out what he wants. We can already tell what you want. If you can find a way to meet in the middle, that's great. Otherwise, you have to go to court. And that is where you must have EVIDENCE to prove why he should not have decision-making, or very much access. And from what you've mentioned, I am not sure you have very solid evidence. He goes out and gets drunk when someone else is looking after the children. He's belligerent with you when he's hung over and the children witness it. He's driven while intoxicated. Do you have any documentation, not just recordings, of any of this? Any police contact for his impaired driving where there might be a report? Any history of situations where he was solely responsible for the children and screwed it up?
If he wants shared access, all he has to do is assure the judge that you're overreacting, it wasn't that bad, it was situational, he doesn't intend to drink on his time with the children, etc.
If he doesn't want shared access, hash out a schedule for when he does want the children, and work from there without court.
You also really need to sit down and think to yourself, are you reacting this way because you are influenced by your anger at his adultery? You are likely feeling very hurt, but should the children lose a father just because you have lost a husband? Is it really the best thing for your children to grow up without a father? He may not be the most loving father you would want him to be, but there's a whole lot of middle ground you are trying to eliminate here.
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