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What was the main reason for your relationship breakdown?

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  • #46
    I wish I knew. Like every marriage we had our ups and downs, our disagreements our fights, we'd get mad at each other but we would never be hurtful. Never say really cutting things to one another, I thought we cared about each other too much. We were best friends and new we could count on each other even when everything else was falling apart. We decided that I should go back to school so that at least one steady income for us to rely on. Of course money was tight and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well, and I think I sometimes applied these expectations to her as well. I can be a jerk and I know there's a lot of things that I could and should have been better at but I never intentionally hurt her, I loved her far too much for that. We'd been having more frequent arguments and then I had to take a work assignment out of the country for a few months. We spoke on the phone regularly but I would often find it quite aggravating as she was constantly partying and spending a lot of money...that we didn't have. She was going to come and meet me where I was working and we were supposed to spend a couple of weeks on kind of a second honey moon, to reconnect and try to work out some of the problems we were having. Now, I question whether or not it was true but she became to ill to travel and our honeymoon didn't materialize. Instead, shortly after we saw each other again she told me she didn't want to be married anymore. I was 100% shocked. Never in a million years would I have expected it. She told me she'd been unhappy for a year. I thought we were close enough, loved each other enough and trusted each other enough to sort out our issues before they ever reached that point. I had literally never heard about it from her before. Not only did she want to separate, but she refused to go to counseling to see if our marriage could be salvaged. A day or two later she called me and told me she wanted to go to counseling and she'd want to move out of the house for a few months to find herself again. I was and am willing to do absolutely anything and make any changes that we would need to in order for our marriage to be saved. Two days after that I found out she'd been having an affair. I was crushed. She seemed to be acting in a way that I didn't recognize. The person I thought I knew would never do that to me. Ironically it was a work mate who when I first met him I said he was a slimy bastard and being a salesman he'd try to sell himself to her. She laughed, she always laughed and said that would never happen anytime it was discussed, even though they started sharing rides to work. She was a far better liar than I had ever realized. I was furious when I found out about the affair and was drunk for a few days straight. After some thought, I called her and told her that if I had hurt her as much as she said I did (I am still in disbelief that this happened to the extent she said it did as is anyone else who knows us) that I would be willing to try to forgive her. I told her I couldn't promise her anything but if we went to a counselor I would try as hard as I could to forgive her. She was so happy, we almost became giddy that things could still be saved. An hour after that she called me and said that she didn't want to be married anymore and that she wasn't coming home. She was going to stay at her fathers for awhile and then try and make the relationship with the other guy work (he's also married with a daughter and a serial cheater). I just feel like she's throwing away 9 years and a marriage that needs some work but could be fixed. That's where I'm at now, not sure if I should fight more or give up. Wondering if I was that person she said I was. Second guessing and regretting every time I raised my voice (never yell) or disagreed with her in the past. Basically I'm just blaming myself for everything and feeling like my life's over. I feel like I don't know her and that this guy has brainwashed her against me. I still want her to come back so bad, but I don't know if I could forgive her or if our marriage could be fixed, but I want to know. I don't want to always have to wonder. So now I wonder when does fighting for your marriage become begging? When does it become pathetic? I just don't know. I am so lost.

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    • #47
      Looking for support

      My common law partner and I lived together for one year and been together for 5. Our relationship ended after he sexual abused my other two children. Now he is in control with everything, money items i bought before we moved in together etc. The one thing I am thankful for is that I have the children. I have 3 one with him another due in Feb and 2 others.

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      • #48
        Just dont know for sure

        Well been togther for 14 years first couple were great then she cheated on me caught them as it turned out her family and friends new what was going on actualy they housed him for his visit then we found out she was prego well we had beutifull twin girls and yes there mine anyhow as time went by i forgave her so i beleave, but her family just ignored them mostly, I didnt get much respect from them and me to them either,I always felt they didnt want us together to this day now there have a great time cause im not there basicaly do what they want in our house when im not around.
        I went to work at camp for a few months last winter after I got back paid down the bills then said I dont want you here anymore see yaaa bye.Now im thinking her family got too her cause hasnt gave me any good ideas yet on why im out on my behind,Its funny my girls say she is more miserable when im gone hummmm interesting thought

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        • #49
          infidelity

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          • #50
            I completely understand that. My husband and I have very different libidos and were very incompatible.

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            • #51
              Oh, where to begin...

              Although we lived together from 1988 to 2003...married in 1989 and separated in 2003...we were in trouble as soon as her children from a previous marriage started moving in during 1995.

              I was happy to help them out in anyway I could, but when it became them< (her and her kids) against me, this is when the problems started.

              There was no talking about it as she was always right and I was an a$$hole for not abiding by her thoughts.

              It became uncomfortable to the point where I spent all free time away from my place of residence.

              And we all know what happens when you start spending time apart and persuing your own interests, the chasm between the two of us expands at an exponential rate...that once temporary demilitarized zone in the middle of the matrimonial bed becomes a permanent fixture and starts to expand.

              Soon holidays are spent apart...then vacations and so on...oh, it becomes a slippery slope indeed.

              Then there was her on again / off again employment situation. Get a good job and then she would become embattled in the office politics of the place and then leave because she had dug a pit of lies and deceit that she was embarrassed about in front of her coworkers. Be unemployed and have me carry everything for a year and then go get a job and have the whole cycle begin again.

              Oh, the lies and deceit were not just work related issue for her...oh no...heck, she had me convinced that the government had put down the wrong birth year on our marriage license. Let alone that she tried to convince me that her older sister was in fact her mother. Oh the lies...

              The biggest one of all is, to this day, I still am not sure what happened when our child died at birth...I have been able to garner some of the truth over the years, but never the complete story. I never, ever pressed for more than what she gave to me for I loved her with all my being and couldn't / wouldn't force her to relive that horrible place in time for both of us.

              And let's not forget the physical abuse...being driven out of the house because I challenged her on one of her lies...she comes after me with a ginsu knife and tries to filet me. I was truly happy her son was there to keep her occupied so I could grab some things and get the heck out. Even after we had separated, we tried to reconcile. I had to call the cops to get her to leave my new apartment. The cops were going to arrest me and I am the one with nail scratches up and down my back because she felt I was the one who should have left my own place.

              And the mental abuse...because I was spending so much time out with my parents because of the intolerable conditions at home, I was accused of having a sexual relationship with my mother.

              Then there were the accusations of having an affair with an old high school sweetheart... As someone who had their girlfriend cheat on them, being unfaithful is the last thing I would even contemplate given the feelings I was left reeling with when it happened to me.

              Wow...what a way to truncate all those feelings...

              But you know what, I still care what happens to her and I suppose there is still a love there on some level.

              Hey, thanks for letting me clear and purge some of the toxic memories I have been carrying around like luggage.

              The truth is, I am now in a relationship of two years with a wonderful lady who is ying to my yang. We balance each other completely and it is a fantastic place to be.

              Cheers all...

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              • #52
                My marriage ended due to my ex-husband's addiction problems. He was not addicted to gambling or alcohol but to on-line chatting. He chatted and surfed porn so much that he did not do any work and he lost the family business. I got tired of being alone while he was chatting about my downfalls with his on-line girlfriends. Like a true addict, he blamed me for his need to look elsewhere to have his needs met. I got tired of being blamed and then watching everything we had worked so hard to achieve fall away. I finally asked him to leave.

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                • #53
                  He never asked me how I was.

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                  • #54
                    Main reason - Alcohol and abuse. sorry theres 2, one is not bigger than the other. together its disaster!

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                    • #55
                      why is infidelity not an option?

                      Hi
                      just wondering why infidelity is not an option as to why the relationship ended. Oh, i guess because it so rarely happens???!! Or perhaps it is under spousal abuse. Or simply forgotten!
                      what's the answer?

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                      • #56
                        I believe what you're looking for is 'other'.

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                        • #57
                          A multitude of reasons that ultimately caused a loss of trust and respect. I can't get past nor do I feel I will ever be able to get back the ability to believe anything he has to say. I only believe the words that come out of his mouth for as long as they're passing his lips. This is from a person who in the begining was all about honesty. He started his deceipt to cover his alcohol abuse and we all know that lies have to be created to cover lies, so it grows and grows until it gets out of control. After a while I felt it safer (self preservation??) to disregard "everything" he had to say to me. Odds were that the stories were to either cover for behavior or set me up to accept upcoming bad behavior. Example: Express his love, buy expensive gift.....days later....come home loaded. Is this not an investment towards having me keep my mouth shut. But, sorry for him, I'm not bought off by gifts (brought those back to the place of purchase), although the expressions of love almost worked, but at that point I was even suspious of that. I came to the conclusion that I was just another avenue to make it easier for him to drink. After all, I was the one that looked after everything in our marriage. He didn't have a clue in regards to anything financial...had to even ask what the rent was after I left. I feel his one and only contribution to the marriage was his ability to go to work and hold down a job. The only friends he has any use for these days are Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels, everyone else, even family members are "stupid". He no longer has any interests, other than drinking. He goes to work, sits in front of the tv and he drinks. This all took a matter of 4 or 5 years to develope at the end of a 34 year marriage. It's sad, really. Such a waste. Too bad he can't see that he's cut himself off from everyone and everything he ever used to care about. At times I wonder if I've dishonored my marriage vows (for better or worse, in sickness and health) by leaving him when I know he has a serious problem, but I've tried, believe me, I've tried to get him to see his problem, but he is the only one that can help himself at this point. All I'm doing by staying is enabling him and causing health issues to develope for myself. Stress is a funny thing as to the medical problems it can cause. So....I'm gone (still with feelings of sorrow and sympathy towards him) and he's all alone and lost (in my opinion).

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                          • #58
                            Still wondering why adultery/affairs/infidelity is listed under "other" -is this a reflection of the person who created the "poll" ? it is such a common reason for relationships to end-and yet it is listed as "other"-kind of lame.

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                            • #59
                              Originally posted by jujube View Post
                              Still wondering why adultery/affairs/infidelity is listed under "other" -is this a reflection of the person who created the "poll" ? it is such a common reason for relationships to end-and yet it is listed as "other"-kind of lame.
                              I think that you're reading far too much into this if you're questioning the OP like that.

                              If it bothers you, feel free to start a new poll.

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                              • #60
                                Originally posted by startingover68 View Post
                                I have come to believe that love is an ability - Love is a verb. A relationship or marriage will be defined by our actions. You need the appropriate words to suit the actions, but as the saying goes, "He whose wisdom exceeds his deeds, his wisdom will not endure." Real love is only demonstrated and developed through practical actions. Relationships are built on deeds not words.
                                But being an adult means that you don't act on every feeling. Commitment means digging in your heels even when the going seems tough. Maturity means coping with reality, not descending into fantasy. And not just coping, but looking for ways to rise above the negativity. The majority of us have short fuses. The majority of us are self-centered. The majority of us want the easy way out.
                                There is no home without trust. There is no home without commitment. Beauty is nice. Pleasure is a good thing [a very good thing J]. Conflict resolution techniques are helpful. But they're not the foundation of a home.
                                Most people believe that a good marriage is a "happening”, if you marry the “right” person. If you marry the right person, you will have a great relationship. Just as I believe that love is an ability, relationships and ultimately Marriage is a skill. It needs to be worked on daily. Small gestures and cosmic connections all add up to the sum total of a relationship or marriage. How you make your partner feel today is what great marriages are made up of – not just your words, but your actions.
                                Although I possessed the commitment and loyalty to the relationship, [Commitment means there's no choice. I'm in for the duration. I will finish what I've started], I never really felt appreciated, cared for or “loved”. It got to the point where he placed more value on his wants and needs – his job, his gadgets, his running – and the family was left last. The reciprocation and attention to our needs [responsibilities] were not considered. For a while I was happy for him to be passionate about his outside interests. I wanted him to have independent success and external accolades. His success was my pleasure. But the moment I started to feel that we were not as important to him as those outside interests, I felt I needed to re-establish the relationship bond that had appeared to deteriorate.
                                In my experience, the partner promoting the other can begin to feel taken for granted and used and worst of all unimportant – last. You start to wonder are you going to have yet another difficult and "heavy" talk about how your relationship is not where you want it to be. The LAST thing you want to do is "ASK" for more love and affection or romance. Besides, asking for more affection or romance makes a man think he's doing something wrong, or that you're criticizing him. Women want their partners to be more affectionate because he really FEELS good about you, not because you lodged a complaint and now he's "stepping up." In my experience, past efforts to get a man to see the problem have led him to getting even MORE distant, or irritated with me. I think that both men and women want the same thing – a partner that makes them feel great both when they are together...AND when they are alone.
                                So what happened? He used his financial power over me as a control, feeding his disrespect for me (and women in general) as a caretaker for his children to also create psychological and emotional damage to my self esteem...how dare I ask him/tell him anything...
                                Despite the fact that we had a 50’s kind of relationship (I was at home with our 3 children while he worked and travelled extensively on business) and he was an excellent provider (consistently making between $100 – 200K/yr for the past 10 – 12 years), there was never enough money. My 15 year relationship came to an end unexpectedly the night after I had co-signed to refinance our home (he was the only one on title & mortgage) to pay HIS 50K in credit card debt when he announced that it was over. Throughout our 15 years together I had not purchased any new furniture (I hate to pay full price for anything and believe in recycling), never had a new vehicle (kept a 1982 Cougar on the road for 7.5 yrs and then learned the ‘new’ van was branded & not for re-sale after driving our children in it for nearly 4 yrs), shopped at Zeller’s, Giant Tiger, No Frills & Value Village (second hand charity shop) and went to the hairdressing school to have my hair done. I was the saver & he was the spender, and yet everything was my fault...go figure?
                                *&%$^& did it again.

                                Lost it.

                                The post I meant

                                Although it is an old thread thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this.
                                This post really reflects how i am presently feeling and was so well written. i had so much to say about it but perhaps this is the universe's way of saying I have TOO MUCH TO SAY

                                Comment

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