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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 05-05-2019, 07:58 PM
Kidscomefirst Kidscomefirst is offline
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Default Son doesn't want to go to his mother anymore..

I have 50/50 custody with my ex for our 12 soon to be 13 year old son. It is a Monday to Monday arrangement. Since about January 1st 2019 my son has been with me for all but about 2 weeks of the year. My ex lives an hour away from where my son goes to school. My son had been getting up at 530 am on her weeks, driving the hr drive where my ex would drop my son off at her mother/fathers house so they could drop him off at school.

Before 2014 I was a every other weekend dad. I took my ex back to court for 50/50 custody of our son, for numerous reason. We had a family court assessment done with it going in my favour. From the results of the assessment the judge ruled that I would be awarded with 50/50 custody. The judge stated that my sons life was in the area I reside in and that if she chooses to move away she is to have him do all his around here. All his schooling, sports etc must be done in my area.

It has been a trying 5 years. MY ex is very difficult to deal with and puts herself before my son. Over the last year my ex notified me that her shift was now changing from 7 am-3 pm to 6 am-2 pm, but this would only effect the weeks she does not have my son. This was a lie.. Since Sept 2018 my ex has been getting my son up at 430 am to drop him off at her parents to again drop him off at school. When I confronted her on this she lied and said that she was not working those hours, however my son is telling us he is getting up at 430 am to go to grandmas.

This past hockey season my son made his rep team which had his ice time increase to a 3-4 days a week with at some points leaving the rink at 9 pm. My ex has constantly moaned and groaned regarding our son playing any sports for it takes away from "Her time" (Those are her words) During the season my son asked if he can just stay over night at my place so that he does not have to get so early for school and he can take the bus from my place and have his mother pick him up at school. She agreed to this for this benefited her in many ways and she didn't have to sit around and wait for our son on her weeks. My son missed a few tournaments on her weeks for my ex would not take him. She refused to allow us to take him instead. My son was very upset about this.

As previously stated since January 1, 2019 my son has been with my ex for at most 2 weeks. He has now decided that he no longer wants to live with her on her weeks and only wants to see her on a few occasions. I have been very mindful to make sure that I talk to him and make him understand that his mom misses him and that shed like to see him. He constantly says "he doesn't care" and ultimately has a melt down when I try to talk to him about it.

He has many reasons for staying with me. One time He tried to make arrangements to go with her on a weekend and he had his hockey banquet on the Sunday and she refused to drive back for him to attend it. So he refused to go with her. My sons team won ALL-Ontario's for his age/category and he was very proud of it and want to attend to celebrate with his teammates. She wouldn't take him.

She never calls him, she is always texting me telling me to have him call her. I constantly tell her that she too can call him. She knows his number. But she refuses to call. She will go the whole week without talking to him before I make him call her. To see our son things must be on her terms and conditions and is very unbending. I've asked her maybe to pick him up in the middle of the week and take him for dinner. Even go to her parents for dinner and she refuses to do anything unless it is on her terms. Honestly there is a real issue with my son going to his grandparents when he is with me for the last time he did, he said they ganged up on him and tried to talk him out of staying at his dads all the time.

He tells us he does nothing there, she constantly complains she has no money to do anything and he just sits in his room and plays Fortnite. They live in the middle of no where so it is hard for him to do anything. He never sees any of his friends while he is with her. She will not make arrangements for his friends to come over. He says he misses so much because she will not let him see his friends because she lives an hour away.

He says she is constantly yelling at him and and is very volatile. He says she is a liar. He told us recently when he asked if wed purchase him something that his mother gave him money for him for Christmas then a few days afterwards told him that she needed it back for an emergency. He has never seen it again. Hes really upset about that. He no longer trusts her. I asked her about it and she said he was lying. Wed noticed that his grades had dropped since he started getting up at 430 am. He says he is tired of being tired all the time and cant concentrate at school while his is with her because he gets up so early.

There are many more, but these are just a few that come to mind.

The other thing is I pay her off set CS. However he has not been with her for 3.5 months and is still receiving CS via FRO. I'm not overly concerned about the money, for I know that can work itself out via the court.

My question is. What can I do? What are my options. She's not really fighting this but complains she misses him.
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Old 05-06-2019, 09:57 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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First, you ask your ex if they are willing to agree to changing the custody arrangement. You explain that the child is struggling with the early mornings and that outside of her, the child's life is in your area. Than when the ex says "hell no", you file a motion to change the custodial arrangement. You provide your arguments mainly, supported by that it is what the child wants.


However, until the custodial arrangement is changed, either by agreement or new order, you send the child to the other parents pursuant to the existing order. You explain to the child that you are working on changing the order, but that you need them to understand that they have to go until it is changed.


The child will not like this. The ex will not like this. You likely won't like this. But that is what has to happen. Until the old order is changed either by agreement or a new order, you, the ex and the child must adhere to it. Not sending the child would likely be deemed as denial of parenting time, and not look good on you. If the kid didn't want to go to school, you still send them.


This is likely going to get messy as the ex is going to lose their shit when you bring it up. The kid is going to be impatient and try to not go, if that is what they really want. You are going to be tested at all ends. But it is important that you do it right, as that gives you the best chance of success.
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Old 05-06-2019, 11:28 AM
gettingexpensive gettingexpensive is offline
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What timeframe is he looking at? It will be months for such a motion, correct? I guess school and hockey season will be over by then... hopefully things are in place for next school year. This is not a way for a kid to live.
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Old 05-06-2019, 11:36 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gettingexpensive View Post
What timeframe is he looking at? It will be months for such a motion, correct? I guess school and hockey season will be over by then... hopefully things are in place for next school year. This is not a way for a kid to live.

Unless the ex agrees, it will take time. The OP will have to reassure the child that the OP is trying their best to get it done. The alternative is to ignore that the court order exists, get accused of denying access and potentially hit with contempt. Just because the child and OP don't like the order as it stands now, doesn't allow them to ignore it. You go through the proper motions to rectify the situation or you look like the bad guy in the eyes of the court.


Send a request to the ex. Ask to mediate. Offer substantial time outside of school to compensate for the lost parenting time during the school year. Should the ex refuse everything, you file a motion to change the parenting time arrangement.
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Old 05-06-2019, 01:34 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidscomefirst View Post
if she chooses to move away.

Did she move away after the 2014 decision?

I am going to disagree with the “work it out” idea. There are three material changes:

1. She moved an hour away
2. Her schedule changed
3. Your son has aged into a different extra curricular/his education is changing

While you may not want to go back to court, SHE forced this situation by moving away. No judge will agree a child should be woken up at 4:30 to travel to school when it was the parents choice to move.

I wouldn’t wait. File the motion to change for full physical custody and have cs stopped. You could agree to no support or a lower amount to get it agreed to but this is ridiculous. She created a situation that is having a negative impact on your son.
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Old 05-06-2019, 02:17 PM
tilt tilt is offline
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Does your son have a cell phone? Have him txt you every morning that he is woken up at an ungodly hour (preferabley a picture to show he is awake) since she is not being honest about the timing so that you have proof.
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Old 05-06-2019, 02:30 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Does your son have a cell phone? Have him txt you every morning that he is woken up at an ungodly hour (preferabley a picture to show he is awake) since she is not being honest about the timing so that you have proof.

This puts the son in the middle. I wouldn't do this.


Ask the ex if they will agree to the change. When they say no, file a motion to change. You can mediate in the mean time to hopefully come to come to some sort of arrangement. But at least the timeline will have been initiated, and you can fall back on it if/when mediation fails.
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Old 05-06-2019, 09:54 PM
YoungDad23 YoungDad23 is offline
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Default I Can See Clearly Now....

Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
Unless the ex agrees, it will take time. The OP will have to reassure the child that the OP is trying their best to get it done. The alternative is to ignore that the court order exists, get accused of denying access and potentially hit with contempt. Just because the child and OP don't like the order as it stands now, doesn't allow them to ignore it. You go through the proper motions to rectify the situation or you look like the bad guy in the eyes of the court.


Send a request to the ex. Ask to mediate. Offer substantial time outside of school to compensate for the lost parenting time during the school year. Should the ex refuse everything, you file a motion to change the parenting time arrangement.
Good luck to the OP to get this all sorted out and on track for his son and thanks to Hammer Dad for your concise and informative suggestions and answers.

I now have my answer as to WHY my sons mom SUDDENLY reverted to the letter of our original agreement from 2015 which greatly increased my time with S5 including restoration of all several overnights a month that she had refused since he started JK.

I couldn't figure out why someone who has been so high conflict and tried every alienation tactic in the book would suddenly demand I get more time with kid, "effective immediately"

I suspected she and her new husband had sought legal advice and that it could be part of it but didn't realize HOW badly her behaviour over the last few years could come back on her if she didn't change her ways.

The extra time together has been very much enjoyed by me and benefited kid as his mom has married and is having another child very soon.

This post has allowed me to see the long view of her strategy and get better prepared for mediation, motion and stopping her in her tracks is she tries to get sole custody so she can move and or attempt to cut me out of S5's life.

YD23
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