Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My abusive x seeking full custody!!

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • My abusive x seeking full custody!!

    I've never done anything like this but im a bit nervous.. a friend of mine said it can really help to vent anonymously.

    I guess I hope to find someone out there who hears me and maybe cares.


    I met my ex when I was 16. He was 26 and we moved in together shortly after my 17th birthday.
    It was always really important to me to have a family and B seemed totally on board. We'd talk about babynames, and how he would focus on his career now so I could go back to school once the baby was old enough to go to kindergarten.
    When I finally got pregnant I was elated but B seemed despondent. he acted like he had no idea that this could happen and one time when I questioned him about it he actually responded "I didn't think it would really happen"
    I was starting to realize the scary mistake I had made in choosing this man-child to be my partner in raising a baby, before I was in any way capable of being independent. A stupid young girl mistake that I would spend the next few years fighting very hard to make the best of.
    Despite her fathers unwillingness to participate I couldn't have been any happier when my daughter was born healthy and naturally.

    Breastfeeding was really important to me and we struggled to succeed. Despite having her at the breast many hours at a time she was not gaining enough weight. She cried in pain all the time. It was heart breaking as a mother to not understand what was going on. I would seek professional help and beg for breastfeeding instruction and be laughed off.
    My daughter was 10 pounds at birth so the big joke at the doctors office was "pfft she'll be fine she's huge, just keep her at the breast".. I knew something was wrong I was stressed out the baby was crying and crying we were exhausted and desperate and in frustration B picked her up and angrily dropped her onto the bed...
    I couldn't believe what I had seen.. when I confronted him he denied it vhemenently and convinced me I imagined it. When he did it a second time and tried to lie again I left.

    I left a middleclass lifestyle as a housewife and mom to be a single mom of 21 on welfare. This was devestating to me. I became severely depressed and lonely.

    B consistently refused to take his weekend visits with his daughter in favour of partying with his friends. Our mutual friends had no idea what he had done or why I had left and shunned me.
    He ebellished arguments we had had to make him look like the victim and me the tyrant
    My mother who suffers from severe bi polar disorder and I were not on speaking terms. She was inconsistent in her therapy and abusive, I did not want her in my life.
    . so I was effectively alone with a small child.
    When I had day surgery to remove my gallbladder I came home extremely drugged up and in pain. The hospital had made me assure them I had someone to stay the night. I had afterall discussed and arranged this months in advance with B who understood that without his help his daughter wouldnt have a proper caregiver.
    As soon as I got home he gathered his things to leave. I reasoned with him, again reminding him that this was for his daughter and he stayed on the couch for the night and left before I even woke up.

    I was literally unable to even reach down and pick my daughter up out of the playpen she was sleeping in. I was forced to phone CAS myself and tearfully request help.
    On several ocassions at my wits end covered in vomit and baby poo not having spoken to a live grown up in weeks I phoned B crying begging him to please help us for the night that I was at the end of my rope and felt unstable and was worried about my daughters safety. I felt like I was so sad I was an unfit mother and was asking for help..
    B refused to come, he told me "C, I know that you would never hurt E"

    I learned something during those emotionally painful nights.

    I learned that 1) I could never trust B to help us when the chips were down
    and 2) I also learned that b's confidence in my parenting was no joke, that no matter what is going on or how sad I am or how scared and unprepared I feel I would never hurt my daughter or do anything to put her in harms way. I gained a confidence in that. I knew that even though I wasn't always super mom my daughter was safe with me. That I would always do right by her.
    Through many problems that have arisen in our lives I have put very careful consideration into my daughters part of it and whether or not she was in the best hands. I maintain that every day my daughter is loved, and hugged often, fed healthy food. Is safe from harm, and taught new things. I maintain that I have the humility to ensure she is given all of these things on a daily basis even if I could not be the one to administer it I would ensure that it happened. (even if I had to swallow my pride and call CAS for help, like after my surgery)

    When I made the decision to move to Vancouver it was with Bs permission. He wanted to come with us. Shortly after me and E moved and out west and just before B was scheduled to move he met a woman and decided he wanted to stay where he was.
    He had chosen a woman over his daughter again, I was disappointed for E.

    When I married G, I was hopeful I had finally found a man who would be a helpmate..
    This relationship ended in disaster, he turned to alcoholism and became extremely abusive and I again fled the relationship.
    Needless to say I am stressed out.
    I am starting University in September, It is important to me to gain the independence I have lacked with an education/career. I am done with relationships at the moment, I want to focus on bettering our life. My daughter is around other children every day and has lots of friends and a pretty normal life in every regard aside from the fact that she knows I am incredibly sad.
    B came out for a one week visit. If you are a single parent you understand the feeling that you cannot go outside whenever you want..it is a missed luxury. All I asked, was that this one week he was there to visit her, for it to be THEIR week. That I was not on parenting duty for that week, that he would deal with meals and baths and bedtimes etc. Just for one week, so I could try and recoop a bit. the one week out of the entire year that he was seeing her.
    Instead, he invited his girlfriend up to stay in his hotel with him because they "don't get to see much of each other" and went off drinking with his buddies every night, then complained that he felt drained the next day and it was because of the air mattress... he turned his one week of the year visit with his daughter into a party vacation

    This was literally the only break I was getting from her I had no grandparents or money for babysitters or friends to help out..

    I was livid.

    Upon returning home B has used this opportunity, my weakness through the breakup depression/financial/decade younger than he is etc etc to try and gain custody of E citing many lies including his belief that our daughter is in danger because of my depression... Back during those first months as a single mother when I phoned him begging him to help us he wouldn't but suddenly now he is worried about her safety? I call BS I am much better off emotionally than I was in those days and I did just fine then, why the sudden concern?
    He has outright lied and accused me of "absconding to BC with our daughter without his knowledge or permission", that's an actual quote on the papers that were sent and a complete and blatant lie! I've actually had my lawyer print off and submit his ONLINE BLOG dated forever ago talking about the move and how he is coming with us! Moron.
    Worse I found out my mother who I havent spoken too in years and has absolutely no knowledge whatsoever about my parenting abilities is funding this.
    I am so angry and hurt and I feel so betrayed over and over again...

    How can this man think he can offer her a better life? I don't get it, He's the sort who still has his electricity shut off from time to time and is constantly in arrears for his rent.. he's still a child himself in many ways and has NO experience raising one. why doesn't he just ask to be more involved with her life? i've wanted that for years!!!

    My theory is he is trying to impress his friends, to come off as the hero saving her from the evil depressed mom rather than admit the truth of his real parenting and as a result I am getting slagged I shouldnt care what people who dont know about the situation think but it hurts to have my parenting spat on like this especially when half of the things he is claiming are untrue and NONE of what he has done or not done is mentioned..

    this must have come out all a jumble I hope it makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to read all of it if you did. I know its really long it felt good to get off my chest.

  • #2
    Originally posted by UniversityMom View Post
    This was literally the only break I was getting from her I had no grandparents or money for babysitters or friends to help out..

    I was livid.
    You said earlier in your post that you learned not to trust him when the chips were down. Maybe you hadn't fully learned that at the time, else you wouldn't have been livid in Vancouver.

    Originally posted by UniversityMom View Post
    He has outright lied and accused me of "absconding to BC with our daughter without his knowledge or permission", that's an actual quote on the papers that were sent and a complete and blatant lie! I've actually had my lawyer print off and submit his ONLINE BLOG dated forever ago talking about the move and how he is coming with us! Moron.
    Welcome to family law, where it's open season on opportunism, lying and lining the pockets of the lawyers who run the show.

    And welcome to the forum.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
      You said earlier in your post that you learned not to trust him when the chips were down. Maybe you hadn't fully learned that at the time, else you wouldn't have been livid in Vancouver.
      Touché.

      I am naïve and trusting to my repeated detriment. I'm learning (albeit slowly) to be much less trusting of everyone while still retaining some trust.

      Thanks for the welcome reply.

      -Chloe

      Comment


      • #4
        As bad as it sounds, I doubt he has a snowball's chance in hell to get custody. He has not acted like a parent for even one day of her life.

        Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

        Comment


        • #5
          Lawyer up. With you being a single mom in university/on welfare you should qualify for legal aid.

          Kid has a right to support, so go after him for CS and retro it as far back as you can.

          He doesn't have a hope in hell of custody, he allowed the move to BC and didn't file a motion to stop you. Status quo trumps all, and he's already proven he has no interest. I am assuming you haven't seen a dime in support from him.

          Comment


          • #6
            He pays support but is often anywhere from 3 months to 7 in arrears.

            I definitely have a lawyer. I'm not really scared he is going to win it is the entire situation. I cannot believe how preposterous it is..

            I feel like if he was a decent human/father I'd even WANT him to take her. It would be great to switch off every few years with tons of visits in between. Get my school done, let her have more time with her father.

            He's right about one thing in his argument, I AM sad/depressed. I'd love to be the happy mom I was again and I'm doing everything I can think of to be that again.
            MY divorce with G has taken it's toll on me.

            I wish to god B was a viable source of help but everything he has done in the past says no.


            The way he is doing this arrogantly assuming that because his sperm created her that he should have some moral right to her despite his appalling actions make me sick.

            I have honestly done everything in my power to ask nicely, arrange, beg cajole, and plead, with him to phone her more often and visit more often. I have offered financial support for both.

            How can he lie so blatantly?
            Does it not ocurr to him that if he has to LIE perhaps he is not the better candidate for the job?

            What if people believe him?

            And poor E, imagine if he wins and she is sent to live with a man she barely knows who I assure you knows next to nothing about child rearing?

            he cannot even attend to his own personal hygiene or cleanliness of his home. He eats boxed food and relies HEAVILY On the TV to entertain her. He drinks often smokes habitually (around her)
            This is not good.

            I don't want to become bitter I don't like the idea of thinking poorly about anyone but I'm just so hurt and angry that this is even happening. Why can't he try and work with me on this? I'm feeling lost and scared myself I'd love a helping hand and instead I am being brutally attacked.

            i really can't get over the fact that my own mother is financing his endevour.. She knows absolutely nothing of the situation...

            I'm just in shock .

            Comment


            • #7
              Have you been to see a counsellor? You can't let your feelings about the situation make your decisions. The more emotions get wrapped up in court, the more money it costs. Never mind the damage it does to you and your children.

              Please step back and look at your situation from a different perspective. You have your child and have been taking care of her for years. The court will not likely do anything to change that. They might give him access, but you are the sole custodial parent. It is up to him to prove he will be a good parent...let him try.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by UniversityMom View Post
                I feel like if he was a decent human/father I'd even WANT him to take her. It would be great to switch off every few years with tons of visits in between. Get my school done, let her have more time with her father.
                Well, not sure how you can do this, are you ok then with joint custody? Do you think this is best for your child? If you are going back to school and the child needs daycare, he would be responsible to pay 1/2. I would be careful because letting her stay with him before an order is made for a long period of time will work probably against you if you are trying to gain sole custody. You mentioned you two don't even live in the same province.
                Is your reasoning for letting him have her so you can finish school?

                Originally posted by UniversityMom View Post
                He's right about one thing in his argument, I AM sad/depressed. I'd love to be the happy mom I was again and I'm doing everything I can think of to be that again.
                MY divorce with G has taken it's toll on me
                Only you can help yourself in becoming happy. You need to find yourself and what makes you happy and not rely on others to do it for you. You probably need to get some counselling, read some self help books to help you thru this..[/quote]

                Originally posted by UniversityMom View Post
                And poor E, imagine if he wins and she is sent to live with a man she barely knows who I assure you knows next to nothing about child rearing?

                he cannot even attend to his own personal hygiene or cleanliness of his home. He eats boxed food and relies HEAVILY On the TV to entertain her. He drinks often smokes habitually (around her)
                This is not good.
                Im alittle confused... you are complaining of all this but you would be ok with him taking her while you finish school? I think you should try to figure out what you want because giving her to him for you to finish school if you have high doubts that he will provide for her is alittle selfish, I think. Tell me I read/understand this wrong [/quote]

                Comment


                • #9
                  Would his electricity being cut off and being behind in his rent have anything to do with unemployment and the order for support?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
                    Well, not sure how you can do this, are you ok then with joint custody? Do you think this is best for your child? If you are going back to school and the child needs daycare, he would be responsible to pay 1/2. I would be careful because letting her stay with him before an order is made for a long period of time will work probably against you if you are trying to gain sole custody. You mentioned you two don't even live in the same province.
                    Is your reasoning for letting him have her so you can finish school?



                    Only you can help yourself in becoming happy. You need to find yourself and what makes you happy and not rely on others to do it for you. You probably need to get some counselling, read some self help books to help you thru this..


                    Im alittle confused... you are complaining of all this but you would be ok with him taking her while you finish school? I think you should try to figure out what you want because giving her to him for you to finish school if you have high doubts that he will provide for her is alittle selfish, I think. Tell me I read/understand this wrong [/quote][/quote]



                    I do not want him to take care of her because he would make a terrible parent compared to me.

                    I WISH this were not the case
                    i WISH he knew about raising children or would pick up a few books on the subject.
                    I WISH he was more active in her life.
                    I WISH this was a viable solution for everyone if he really does want to parent so badly,
                    but it isnt.
                    and thats what I was trying to communicate above.

                    He is trying in this nasty mean way to "take" his daughter..
                    I would gladly let him have her if I thought he could actually provide a great home for her while I get my stuff sorted.. it surely isn't easy coping with my own divorce, and depression and raising a child by myself with no supports. I am not an un reasonable or irrational human being. I have a lot of compassion and forgiveness inside of me but I am telling you with 100% honesty I am the much better parent. If he would take some classes, show an involvement, some reasomable human way to reach out and be a part of her life...but no just this nasty court crap..I dont understand what he is trying to prove.

                    BTW I never said or even remotely implied I was seeking my happiness from anything but myself..

                    councelling? haha good luck with that waiting list. I meditate and paint

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                      Have you been to see a counsellor? You can't let your feelings about the situation make your decisions. The more emotions get wrapped up in court, the more money it costs. Never mind the damage it does to you and your children.

                      Please step back and look at your situation from a different perspective. You have your child and have been taking care of her for years. The court will not likely do anything to change that. They might give him access, but you are the sole custodial parent. It is up to him to prove he will be a good parent...let him try.

                      I'm not letting my emotions come to play in court. I am not like that.. I will simply do my best to defend my position with facts. In terms of now in real life im upset as hell.
                      Ive been on a waiting list to "talk to someone" since the seperation.. lots of calling back and basically I'm not holding my breath..
                      Honestly I eat healthy, I exercise I expand my mind and I meditate and im very involved with art. I am a healthy person experiencing a healthy and NORMAL depression following the breakdown of my marriage.
                      I did find it helpful to vent here though.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Steve Osbourne View Post
                        Would his electricity being cut off and being behind in his rent have anything to do with unemployment and the order for support?

                        No this is a regular ocurrance for him before I met him, a few times before I over took the finances when we lived together and many times after I left him. he makes a certain amount of money every month and then proceeds to buy things he cannot afford on that budget. The latest technical gadget/gizmo, beer, cigarettes, going on dates, eating out etc etc. Then he cant pay his bills and randomly has his phone or electricity or whatever shut off. He is completely irresponsible.

                        Look I am not judging, he can do what he wants and live the way he wants to live it is none of my business but I don't want my kid in that enviroment. Would you?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          "I would gladly let him have her if I thought he could actually provide a great home for her while I get my stuff sorted". What "stuff are you talking about? Your mental health?

                          A few good books aren't going to make him a good parent. Parenting will.

                          Going to dismiss "councilling" that quickly? Doesn't make you look reasonable at all. If you are depressed, then you are a fool not to get on the waiting list. While you wait, learn to use a spell checker.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Different parenting styles is not uncommon - Is their parenting style more harmful to your child in common than child coming to know their other parent?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by UniversityMom View Post
                              Look I am not judging, he can do what he wants and live the way he wants to live it is none of my business but I don't want my kid in that enviroment.
                              Of course you're judging. You've been judging his worthiness as a parent. It's your job. Call a spade a spade for Pete's sake.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X