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  • Protecting/Ensuring Custody - Dad

    Hi,

    I am a dad of a 2yr old son and an unborn child due in a month. My wife and I have been having problems for the last 8-12 months and have not been getting along. Twice she has asked me to leave (I didn't) and once she threatened to leave with my son and go to her parents. She blames our problems on me and doesn't feel she should be without her kids because of my actions. We are both are still living in the home. She would never deny me access to my kids but I want to do the best that I can perhaps get her to agree to shared custody. At the very least, I don't to put myself in a position where i am limiting my chances. I've been an active father, took two month parental leave with my son, etc. Any advice on what I should do? For my wife, it's either try to work on the marriage (not likely to work) or separate and have her control access.

    Thanks

  • #2
    Don't ever give up more than Half time and Half responsabilty for raising them. Unless you don't mind being a week-end Dad.

    Comment


    • #3
      Just a warning:
      Many people think that someone would NOT deny another parent access to their children but it happens all the time.
      If your partner wants out of the relationship (which threats to leave imply to me) so be it.
      It has nothing to do with being a Father to your children.
      Make sure that the two issues are kept separate and insist on spending as much time with them as you are able.

      Comment


      • #4
        What if she leaves and takes the kids with her?

        Also, how do courts rule on custody with a newborn?

        Thanks

        Comment


        • #5
          A few questions:
          • How far from the matrimonial home do her parents live?
          • What does her income look like compared to yours?
          • How long have you been married?
          If her parents live hours away from you, and she moves and takes them with her, you will have to act very quickly in getting a court order for custody/access.

          If you wait, your wife could establish 'status quo' which Judges aren't too willing to change. If you let months go by without bringing forward court action, it can appear as though you consented to the move and custody/accsss arrangements and it will be VERY difficult to change.

          I ask about her income because if she is a stay at home mom, uneducated, or makes a meager salary, she may not be able to sustain herself and the children without your assistance. Women often fight for full custody, or at least 60% custody so that they can get the full amount of child support.

          Check the Guidelines to see what you would be responsible to pay....

          Federal Child Support Amounts: Simplified Tables

          Also, if you make more money than she does, and you have been married a while, you may have to pay spousal support.

          If money is not an issue, then you have to consider your wife's personality. How does she deal with issues when she doesn't have full control? Is she argumentative? Is she spiteful?

          Often women fight for full custody because they want full control. She may not want to be forced to consult with you when it comes to the children.

          I am sorry to tell you this but as your son is very young, and your baby hasn't arrived yet, your wife has a HUGE advantage, for getting temporary full custody.

          Your children will be considered 'children of tender years' and there isn't a Judge in this country who will give you 50% access time with them.... not yet.

          If your wife intends on breastfeeding the baby, you may not get more than an hour or two of 'alone time' with the baby until he/she is off the breast. The courts cannot force her to use a breast pump.

          Now, that's not to say that you can't play a HUGE part in their lives as they grow... you can be involved in all of their daycare needs, medical needs, holidays, etc.

          You have to be VERY CAREFUL about that your custody agreement says now with regards to the future. Don't assume that you will be allowed to change it later.

          It MUST be laid out to increase your access time as the years pass, so that by the time they are school age (4), you will have them for however much time that is possible for you, (50/50, 60/40... whatever).

          It is ALWAYS best to negotiate these things with your wife and try to come to an agreement. Getting Lawyers involved almost ALWAYS makes things worse.

          Good Luck

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by dad93 View Post
            What if she leaves and takes the kids with her?

            Also, how do courts rule on custody with a newborn?

            Thanks

            If she moves away, get a lawyer and act quickly.

            Comment


            • #7
              Also, remember that a judge will rule for joint custody if possible and status quo. Agree to leave, but only if you have 50% custody.

              I have a 2 year old daughter, and we share her on a very flexible schedule. Sometimes it's 2 days, sometimes up to 4 or 5 days. I don't think 7 days is reasonable for the parents or the child when the child is that young.

              I have a binder at work and I keep track of when I have her. If it's ever brought up in court, I can prove that I've had her for 50% of the time and that adds a very strong argument to my case.

              Also, even if she has custody, she can not refuse you contact with your child. If she does move, be nice, but ask to go visit. If she refuses, write it down.

              Good luck

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks for all the replies.

                Representingself..some answers:

                Her parents are only about 20mins away. If I were to leave on my own, my parents are about a 45min drive away.

                Income in terms of spousal support are not an issue. I make more by about 20K right now but I lawyer told me that SS would not apply. My wife works and is a teacher but of course will be off on mat leave for a year..not sure how this impacts things in the short term.

                What I am most worried about is my ability to obtain any agreement with my wife if things get bad...seems like she holds all the cards. If she does leave for her parents, I am basically then at the mercy of how often she allows me to see the kids? Wouldn't this establish the status quo even if I didn't agree with it?

                Thanks

                Comment


                • #9
                  Start keeping track now of how much time you are spending with your youngest. If she moves out and you file right away then that should be considered as status quo. pictures of you doing things together might help.

                  It is likely that she will get more time with the kids (for now), but only because they are so young. If you prove that you have been an active and caring father by keeping records now, then you can still get 50/50 custody. It just might take until the baby is weaned before you can actually do it.

                  Good Luck

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
                    Also, remember that a judge will rule for joint custody if possible and status quo. Agree to leave, but only if you have 50% custody.

                    I have a 2 year old daughter, and we share her on a very flexible schedule. Sometimes it's 2 days, sometimes up to 4 or 5 days. I don't think 7 days is reasonable for the parents or the child when the child is that young.

                    I have a binder at work and I keep track of when I have her. If it's ever brought up in court, I can prove that I've had her for 50% of the time and that adds a very strong argument to my case.

                    Also, even if she has custody, she can not refuse you contact with your child. If she does move, be nice, but ask to go visit. If she refuses, write it down.

                    Good luck
                    Interesting. If your time is 50%, does that mean you don't have to pay her child support payments, you just devide your money equilly. I guess it is best to negotiate the 50/50 with her well in advance of an expected separation.

                    Thanks

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Jupitor View Post
                      Interesting. If your time is 50%, does that mean you don't have to pay her child support payments, you just devide your money equilly. I guess it is best to negotiate the 50/50 with her well in advance of an expected separation.

                      Thanks
                      I make more than her. So, technically, she pays me her amount, and I pay her my amount. In the end, I owe her 300$ instead of 480 (If she had sole custody). Special expenses will be divided roughly 66/33 because of the difference in salary.

                      I don't do the 50/50 custody for financial reasons, however, there is a huge financial implication to go over the 40% threshold.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
                        I make more than her. So, technically, she pays me her amount, and I pay her my amount. In the end, I owe her 300$ instead of 480 (If she had sole custody). Special expenses will be divided roughly 66/33 because of the difference in salary.

                        I don't do the 50/50 custody for financial reasons, however, there is a huge financial implication to go over the 40% threshold.
                        What is the best way to determine the math for what ever your personal arrangement is with your spouse. Are there some guides that help you determine the best financial senerio. thanks.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Jupitor View Post
                          What is the best way to determine the math for what ever your personal arrangement is with your spouse. Are there some guides that help you determine the best financial senerio. thanks.
                          The first step is to go through the tables
                          Federal Child Support Amounts: Simplified Tables

                          Second, go through the guidelines
                          The Federal Child Support Guidelines: Step-by-Step

                          It is extremely complicated at first, but once you read through it a few times, you'll get used to it.

                          Basically, for joint custody, you owe the net amount of child support tables plus your share of the special expenses.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I am still trying to get my head around the various custody arrangements, so thought I would make the following post, for reference purposes.

                            Summary of Custody arrangements - Ontario Child Custody

                            Having custody of your children is necessary if you want the responsibility as well as the right to make the important decisions regarding religion, education, and medical Treatment.

                            Only a court of law can decide upon the custody of children. Until that time, both parents equally share custody.

                            Ontario Child Custody recognizes different degrees for the custody of children:

                            Joint Custody or Joint Legal Custody – both parents share the decision making pertaining to the children. Usually the courts choose this option when the parents have shown the ability to cooperate well on parenting matters. Primary residence can be decided on at this time. Children’s primary residence is where most of their time is spent.

                            Shared Custody or Joint Physical Custody – Joint Custody plus a minimum of 40 percent of children’s time is spent with both parents.
                            Split Custody – The court orders some children to one parent and some with the other. Normally courts like to make the children together so this option is not used very often.

                            Sole Custody – The court decides that only one parent has custody.
                            Visitation is awarded to the parent who did not receive custody of the children. This allows the non-custodial parent access to the children with guidelines from the court. As long as the parent ability to provide is not in question, the court will award as much contact as possible with the non-custodial parent. This parent is also entitled to information regarding education, health and welfare of the children.

                            Supervised visitation is ordered when a court is worried about the parent’s ability to care adequately for the children or if there is reason to believe abduction is possible. In such cases, visits are supervised by social workers at facilities determined by the court.
                            <O</O

                            Taken from: Ontario Child Custody<O</O

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I just spoke to my lawyer. And, as a disclaimer, I'm no lawyer and I am going through this in New Brunswick, so take this at face value.

                              Our situation is that we've been seperated for over 6 months and since then we've split custody 50%.

                              I asked what were the chances of losing a custody battle and he said slim to none. Courts go a long way to ensure an even custody.

                              Comment

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