Troublesome behaviour....

[MS Mom]

Okay, this is more of a vent than anything....but, I would be interested to know how this would make others feel.

Child is 11, father hasn't bothered to use access since she was 9. Rarely calls, no phone call on birthday, no cards, no Christmas cards or anything, and has now left the country.

Child comes home today, she says her teacher informed her that her dad called the school today. She doesn't know why or what was said. It's bothering her because he hasn't bothered to even call her since he left the country a few months ago, and never bothered to see her

Father has a history of stalking, intrusive behaviours with me. He's been caught peeping in windows, listening to phone calls, going through a phone to find out who's calling, etc, etc. (and this behavior was while he was using access .... a few years ago, before he remarried). Our relationship was about control and accusations, which didn't cease after separation.

This isn't the first time that he's called the school. He's also called the dentist to ensure she's going for her check-ups as well.

Would this behavior bother anyone else? Or am I hyper-sensitive considering all the intrusive behavior of the past that I've endured?

[blinkandimgone]

Hyper sensitive. He's not breaking any rules and is well within his rights to contact the school or medical professionals, unless court order states otherwise. It sucks that she's upset, perhaps a word with the teacher or school counselor might be in order.

[MS Mom]

Hyper sensitive. He's not breaking any rules and is well within his rights to contact the school or medical professionals, unless court order states otherwise. It sucks that she's upset, perhaps a word with the teacher or school counselor might be in order.

I appreciate the perspective. I really wish the teacher had not told her. Last time the teacher called me to advise me of the phone call, she wasn't aware of it.

It sucks when your parent is more concerned that the other parent is being a parent than being a parent themselves.

[DowntroddenDad]

You can't have it both ways. Contacting the school to find out how the kids are doing or contacting the doctor are signs of a parent who cares. If that was stalking then I would be a stalker.

If you want to prevent the calls, then get ahead of it and provide him with report cards and let him know the results of doctors visits.

I am not sure why the school notifies the child when he calls, I can't see the need. You should ask them not to.

[MS Mom]

You can't have it both ways.


Contacting the school to find out how the kids are doing or contacting the doctor are signs of a parent who cares. If that was stalking then I would be a stalker.

If you want to prevent the calls, then get ahead of it and provide him with report cards and let him know the results of doctors visits.

I am not sure why the school notifies the child when he calls, I can't see the need. You should ask them not to.

I'm guessing you've also seen your child more recently than 2011 as well? He hasn't.

A sign of a parent who cares is actually contacting the child to see how they're doing - which is why I find the behavior troubling and a little like surveillance.

He subjected me to stalking activities for many years. He's been caught red-handed peeping in my windows and going through my phone calls amongst many many other things.

He's called the school and dentist more often than he's called her. I think that's a parent who cares that the other parent is doing what they're supposed to, rather than actually caring about the child.

He gets report cards. There have been no report cards issued yet this school year - it's only October. The school wasn't notified by the father that he'd actually left the country, the child let the teacher know he doesn't even live in Canada anymore.

Personally, I'm at a loss why he wouldn't just call the child? That's the concerning part really....

[takeontheworld]

Id be terrified. What would be a normal thing to do for most parents, isnt for other parents. For a long time I was my ex was going to take her and disappear.

Does her father have access to her?

[blinkandimgone]

I'm guessing you've also seen your child more recently than 2011 as well? He hasn't.

A sign of a parent who cares is actually contacting the child to see how they're doing - which is why I find the behavior troubling and a little like surveillance.

He subjected me to stalking activities for many years. He's been caught red-handed peeping in my windows and going through my phone calls amongst many many other things.

He's called the school and dentist more often than he's called her. I think that's a parent who cares that the other parent is doing what they're supposed to, rather than actually caring about the child.

He gets report cards. There have been no report cards issued yet this school year - it's only October. The school wasn't notified by the father that he'd actually left the country, the child let the teacher know he doesn't even live in Canada anymore.

Personally, I'm at a loss why he wouldn't just call the child? That's the concerning part really....

Yup, that sucks, too - especially for the kidlet. But it's not illegal, or against the court order, it's just shitty and there is no law against being a shitty dad.

[MS Mom]

Id be terrified. What would be a normal thing to do for most parents, isnt for other parents. For a long time I was my ex was going to take her and disappear.

Does her father have access to her?

Well he's thousands of kms away. He moved to the US. Gave her 10 days notice, via email, that he was leaving. Meanwhile, he put his house up for sale, sold it, secured another job in another country.....so, he'd been planning the move for a while....not once did he reach out to her.

As a result, I have a Motion to Change in the works. But, technically, he has joint custody, access eow, Weds, two weeks in the summer, etc, etc. One day in June 2011...she came home from school on a Monday (access was school to school)with a handwritten note from her dad that said a bunch of excuses about his baseball and Wednesday evenings not being possible, yadda yadda......".....tired of her back talking so you can keep her". He didn't even have the courtesy to put in an envelope, so she got to read it as well. He hasn't seen her since.

[MS Mom]

Yup, that sucks, too - especially for the kidlet. But it's not illegal, or against the court order, it's just shitty and there is no law against being a shitty dad.

Thanks blink. Yes, it sucks for her. There should be a law against being a shitty parent.

[takeontheworld]

My ex consented to sole custody. He is overseas in an arab country. The judge at our case conference decided no access. I then provided this to DFAIT and he is on some watch list so if and when he enters and leaves canada that she is not with him.

Just something for you to think about. I really have no issue with her seeing him as long as its supervised, shes free to skype him or email etc. But unfortunately my ex is full of hate at this moment in time and I do believe he would do anything to punish me. Im keeping her safe.

He's had no interest in her for several years and if he decided to out of tge blue contact the school, personally id be on alert. But thats just me.

[MS Mom]

My ex consented to sole custody. He is overseas in an arab country. The judge at our case conference decided no access. I then provided this to DFAIT and he is on some watch list so if and when he enters and leaves canada that she is not with him.

Just something for you to think about. I really have no issue with her seeing him as long as its supervised, shes free to skype him or email etc. But unfortunately my ex is full of hate at this moment in time and I do believe he would do anything to punish me. Im keeping her safe.

He's had no interest in her for several years and if he decided to out of tge blue contact the school, personally id be on alert. But thats just me.

I'm really sorry to hear that another girl lost their dad to insanity besides my girl.

My ex got remarried to someone even more controlling than him. She doesn't like my daughter very much and has made that quite clear. Dad and daughter really had quite a good relationship until the recent wife came into the picture. Everything went downhill quickly.

For years I managed to put aside all the lousy rotten stuff he did to me for the sake of my daughter. I always encouraged their relationship, even as he was going through my phone calls.

If he ever though he was imperfect enough to require a doctor of any sorts, he'd be clearly be identified as being a narcissist. But, as a perfect person, who needs medical help?? LOL

I sincerely doubt he'd snatch her or take her across the border sneakily - he's the type that would consider himself 100% entitled to do what he likes with his child at any given time, despite any court order saying not to.

[takeontheworld]

I agree, I believe its very important for young girls to be close with their father. Unfortunately you cant force a father to be a father. He as well used to be a very good one. He spoiled her to know end. Then when we after we split...he just stopped. I dont know what caused it. He had remarried before we were even divorced, he is muslim. He also discovered I was seeing someone. How he found out who knows. He even knew my partners race. He knew I bought a new bbq. Odd things.
Her father told her we divorced because I was going out with many men. He told her he would put the black man in jail cause he was bad, referring to my partner.
I found a lovely child psychologist. Initially I was worried that she would grow up to hate men and be lesbian...not that theres anything wtong with that. But eventually I realied it was an unbiased person who she could discuss how she was feeling without worrying about hurting my feelings. I recommend this, atleast for a while. They are expensive though but many benefits packages cover a portion.

[MS Mom]

I found a lovely child psychologist. Initially I was worried that she would grow up to hate men and be lesbian...not that theres anything wtong with that. But eventually I realied it was an unbiased person who she could discuss how she was feeling without worrying about hurting my feelings. I recommend this, atleast for a while. They are expensive though but many benefits packages cover a portion.

Sounds like you've had your fair share!! My ex knew the odd things as well, you know the nights I spent out, where I was, etc. etc. Eventually, I figured out he was hanging outside my living room window and listening in on my phone calls. The stuff he knew, he could only find out by listening in on the "girl talk" I had with friends, etc. Eventually one night he parked his car around the corner and crept around my house. He then phoned and asked some innocuous question....next thing I know he's hammering on my door screaming and yelling that I tell him who's car is parked in my driveway. It's 10:30pm at night, child is sleeping in the next room and I have a friend over that happens to be male....which did not please the ex one little bit. He then sat on a chair on my front porch looking straight in the living room window for two hours, demanding that I leave the house and speak with him..... Eventually the friend got him to leave without even involving the police.

Even that didn't prevent me from encouraging a good father daughter relationship.

He's a control freak. He won't relinquish any control whatsoever. I can't get her in counseling without his consent until she's 12, and she knows for herself that if he knows she's in counseling, he'll call and demand all the details. So, she wouldn't benefit at all from counseling until I can keep him at arm's reach from the "entitlement" of knowing what she is saying. He proved that to her today by phoning the school instead of phoning her.

Meanwhile, I couldn't get him to submit a bill to his insurance provider....if he cared, he'd make sure her physio bills were paid for through his employment funded healthcare plan. But, nope, can't even do that.

I'm trying to change everything via Motion to Change, but, I'm getting no cooperation from the other side at all.

Luckily, my daughter is very close to my father, and he lives right around the corner. I'm also remarried to a fantastic stepdad.....but, she still wants her dad....her "old dad" she calls him. The dad that was around before the new wife was.

[blinkandimgone]

Initially I was worried that she would grow up to hate men and be lesbian...not that theres anything wtong with that.

Oh dear god....this will not end well.

Lesbians and gays are born, not made. :-/

[takeontheworld]

True some are born. But there are also some misunderstood man hating girls who turn to women simply because of bad experiences with men.