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  • #16
    This is a really difficult situation for you and I am going through something similar. I felt she was being passive aggressive, unilaterally changing agreements, denying reasonable requests for things like father's day, etc. In fact, last father's day she texted me in all caps "HAPPY SPERM DONORS DAY!!!" I kid you not.

    So for the past several months I had been preparing my motion to vary the consent order. Mainly because it never specified stat holidays and I was unfairly having difficulties being able to see my two girls together on holidays.

    Months of preparation and a lot of case law, spent thousands on a lawyer until I couldn't afford it anymore and took over the case myself with a legal secretary's help.

    Motion Dismissed.

    Yesterday I followed the advice further up in this thread and sent a very polite but clear email, stating that I would be coming next Wednesday and Thursday, can we have 7 hour daily access instead of the 4 that's in the order. I said if she granted the request I would be seeking the consent of my 7 year old's mother and her school teachers to take her out of school. All this cc to her lawyer.

    All our emails came out in court. I figured if she flat out denies my request she looks like an asshole, I can still enjoy the 4 hours, be grateful for what I have, and forget about her crazy ass until next Wednesday. She came back and proposed 6 hours and asked that we don't drive more than 50 Km outside of her home. I replied thank you for your generous offer and I agree we won't be driving more than that because it's not practical on a six hour visit. This may change in summer months when there are more viable road trips to choose from, but I will keep her informed.

    All I legally have right now is 8 hours access a week. It's not much when I consider myself just as important and devoted of a parent as the mother is. But 8 hours is better than zero and I am very excited about the trip next Wednesday.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Mess View Post
      You can use Google calendar and get the same thing for free. Just set up an account that only the parents have access too, keep the calendar up to date and leave messages and reports for each other. Have emails to the calendar account forwarded to the parents as well for convenience.
      Quick technical question. I think the advantage of Our Family Wizard is it shows exactly when the message was received and opened by the other side. Does Google do the same thing?

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      • #18
        Any email can be set to get a read receipt.

        If the other parent is not checking their mail, they are the ones refusing communication and being uncooperative. If they don't read their email, they won't read their "Wizard" either. What you need to show is that you have sent along any pertinant information. If they chose not to read it, that is not a reflection on you.

        If the Wizard has features you think you will benefit from, fine, and if you both split the subscription cost, you are both invested and hopefully both will use it properly. But it doesn't fulfill any special legal requirements.

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        • #19
          i totally agree with Mess on this one. Im sure there are some useful tools to help communicate but it normally means both parents have to be at least on the same chapter. I know the ex has a smart phone and can receive and send messages on it, and i know that the email address i use, he advertises for his business. He tried to tell me he doesn't check his messages frequently, but i know part of his business is being on the internet etc.
          Is there a way to suggest responding to an email ( a certain time frame?) I dont know what else to do except to send a text message stating i sent an email. but doing that will piss them off more and i would be harassing them again
          Only three reasons i see them not responding or taking days to respond is.. to get my panties in a twist, they are waiting for someone to coach them on how to handle it and them feeling its a control thing...
          Last edited by tugofwar; 05-04-2012, 11:08 PM.

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          • #20
            If someone doesn't want to read an email, a text, the Wizard account you can't make them. The problem here is that the father just doesn't make the effort to respond, or he does it deliberately to antagonize the mother. Either way, he is not thinking about what is best for the child.

            I think a change is in order, but that it is not going to help in this timeframe. I would make a request for mediation or some way of trying to make communication easier for him.

            I know your frustration though. An online calendar would do wonders for communication with my ex. But since he claims he doesn't get the internet on that fancy smart phone of his, he cant even send me an email! LOL

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            • #21
              I got a response finally but my make up time requests were all denied ( 4 very reasonable times) but I guess I am being controlling in days and times and the ex is so against being controlled and they did not make any suggestions.

              Apparently, the only form of communication they wish to use is a verbal, person to person one-- which really hasn't gotten us anywhere in the past, the conversations have little to nothing to do with the child and always ends in some form of a threat. The times we did verbal time changes, they seemed to twist the times around or say they never agreed to it... and all forms of communications are very self centred and not in the interest of the child No winning here!
              Last edited by tugofwar; 05-08-2012, 10:28 PM.

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              • #22
                Your options are limited (i.e. non-existent) if your ex chooses to be difficult by ignoring your e-mails and the court order. You can't make him follow the court order and sadly, neither can the court.
                Oh sure, if you make a motion (9 months duration, depending where you live) you will probably get the court to rule in your favour ("...irregardless of the regular access schedule, the child shall spend Mother's Day with the mother and Father's Day with the father...").
                But none of that helps for this weekend.
                With an ex like yours, "special" occasions become no longer special. I know that from experience with my ex. You can't change your ex. But you CAN change how you react to him.
                Postpone Mother's Day until a weekend you CAN celebrate with your daughter. That's about the only option I can see. Your ex knows it's important to you, so he chooses to be difficult to annoy you by being difficult. Act as if you don't care (even though you are seething inside). Don't play his game. Sooner or later, he'll give up his games when he can't get you steamed. (I'm still waiting for "later" with my ex--he's still difficult, but not as difficult).
                "They" ? "...the only form of communication they wish to use is a verbal, person to person one..." So you're dealing not only with your ex but his g/f or wife also? It's 2 against 1? No, verbal communication isn't the way either from what you describe... best to keep it written... I so feel for you -- you're caught between a rock and a hard place.
                I dreamed of communication whereby I could phone the ex and say, "Hi (ex name). There's (something special) happening this weekend. Do you mind if we switch the access from (when the special occasion is) to (suggestion) or a time convenient to you? In my fantasies, he'd respond, "Sure, that's no problem. Your (suggestion) isn't good for me though. How about (exes suggestion)?" I'd respond, "Sounds good". But, alas it is not to be that way.
                You're doing the right things, but since he has "back-up" you are "in the cold". I can't offer advice that will help you for this weekend, but you're not alone having a difficult ex.
                Last edited by Epona; 05-10-2012, 10:25 AM.

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                • #23
                  Well put Epona!.....although I doubt she'll listen, she's here looking for a way to get what she wants from her ex, if she wasn't looking for trouble she wouldn't be here, I loved the post about read reciepts for E-mails where is a read reciept going....oh ya ..it'll be used in court someday......where did I get court from...err uhm by reading between her lines..lol.........very high conflict person here and she's not here to resolve anything but only to find fuel (fool) to the fire

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                  • #24
                    theborg, I don't believe you're 100% correct. What good mother doesn't want to spend Mother's Day with her child(ren)? What good father doesn't want to spend Father's Day with his child(ren)?
                    Reasonable parents recognize the specialness of the day and don't make it difficult for the other parent to spend time with their child(ren) on those special days.
                    Tugofwar has an unreasonable ex, and there is no way to deal with unreasonable exes, that doesn't involve court. Unless one gives up "the fight", the difficult ex no longer has the "pleasure" of making life miserable. The fact the difficult ex has removed special occasions with one parent forever for the child(ren) is of no relevance to him/her. S/he (by she I don't mean tugofwar, I mean any difficult female ex, since difficult exes are of both genders) is happiest when making life life as miserable as possible for the ex. The difficult ex goes through other relationships like a hot knife through butter. The difficult ex is often passive-aggressive (refuses to cooperate, even when there are court orders), dictates, when s/he has no authority to dictate... I could go on and on about difficult exes in general...but ultimately, difficult exes are unhappy people who derive their pleasure from trying to make life miserable for others and they don't care who they hurt in the process. You can't "win" with a difficult ex. They always find fault with the way you ask something -- you're "demanding", not asking -- your suggestions are no good (but they fail to make a counter-offer), and then they invent things that never happened and/or were never said...
                    So my advice--don't let difficult exes make your life miserable. If s/he isn't being cooperative with regards to special occasions, celebrate as best as you are able the special time at another time. Yes, your child(ren) will miss meeting relatives who were only visiting for the time your ex refused to change the access (I've BTDT). After a while you stop fighting, and you don't hurt as much. You become resigned, but don't become resentful. Before long, the difficult ex will think up other ways to try tormenting you. You'll receive e-mails full of lies and lectures about how terrible a person you are, and you wonder what planet your ex resides.
                    Difficult exes can wear you down. Sometimes you feel, "Whats' the use of trying?" Somedays you might wish you don't want to wake up (very different to considering taking your own life), but life kicks in and you want to make the most from a bad situation.
                    Many of us didn't sign up for separation and divorce. It just wasn't in our life plans. But many people enter into marriage with the mindset, "If it doesn't work out, we'll just get divorced" and the other spouse doesn't know they married someone with that belief.
                    What can you do when you have to deal with a difficult ex?
                    Grin and bear it. Pick your "fights" v.e.r.y. carefully. Ignore their tirades of how awful a person you are. Have EVERYTHING in writing, for the times when the difficult one drags you into court. Enjoy the time you have with your kids, cause they grow up really fast. Don't forget to enjoy life yourself. We get through it, some more scarred than others, but most survive.
                    Last edited by Epona; 05-10-2012, 11:17 AM.

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                    • #25
                      Epona, sometimes I refer to the ex as they... just a habit of mine. And yes these last few holidays have become stressful and not enjoyable ( child comes home a miserable mess, easter started off with 2 hours of tantrums and all the usual things when returned from a visit with dad)
                      Its a mere control issue they have ( the ex oh this time i will include his parents) Spending time with the other parent on special occasions turns out in their eyes as doing me a favor by returning the child a few hours early to spend time with me and my family....( oh too bad the court order actually states it!) I am constantly having to "remind" them of the court orders... when really whats the point of them anyways?
                      I try my best to communicate issues about our child, and try to seperate the other matters.... but they lump it all together. i have been asking for their income tax info, they get all hell bent and the whole process starts again...
                      We had a few good weeks after the child became ill ( vomitting for the 1st time) I informed him because if it was the reverse and he had the child and experienced this, i would like to be informed.... then something not sure what happened and now we are back at square one.
                      I do not receive emails of any sorts from them. It's getting tiredsome as i have been keeping them informed as much as possible. But not replying, admitting not being able to read the whole context of my messages and wanting to discuss things in person ( when? when returning the child? really? Does anyone else see a problem with that? ) is not working. I dont know what else to do.
                      I might as well just start sending these messages to myself....
                      Last edited by tugofwar; 05-11-2012, 12:08 AM.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by theborg View Post
                        Well put Epona!.....although I doubt she'll listen, she's here looking for a way to get what she wants from her ex, if she wasn't looking for trouble she wouldn't be here, I loved the post about read reciepts for E-mails where is a read reciept going....oh ya ..it'll be used in court someday......where did I get court from...err uhm by reading between her lines..lol.........very high conflict person here and she's not here to resolve anything but only to find fuel (fool) to the fire
                        Seriously, where did you come from? You got all this from what, one of my posts.... Honestly. I asked for advice on how to deal with an ex who just is not communicating nor showing any signs of co operation.. The ex does not have the ability to see what is in the best interest of the child. Its about trying to solve some of the issues we are having (outside court!) and looking for some GOOD sound advice. (and trying to not react to some real lame comments coming from some posters who just seem so angry at the world and actually enjoy bringing others down!)
                        I have better things to do then to come on this forum looking to find fuel ( but yes it would be nice to find some cheaper fuel, as gas prices are just ridiculous right now, lol)

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