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  • #46
    ^^^^^^
    What they said(MIVILaLoco). Very well written.

    This is also my experience. I spent years and years in and out of couples therapy, individual therapy, had other outside professional advice and was advised to do the same, "what harm could it do, just do this one thing this one time". My ex was never satisfied. Always asked for more. Didn't like the person/professional I chose or found fault with the result each and every time without fail, even if it was the result he had predicted, I was wrong. His demands never ended and he was never satisfied.

    I do not see this as a way to get the agreement you are seeking. I think it is going to start something that you can not predict is going to happen at this time.

    I also think you feel your fiance is okay right now, and maybe she is, but this sort of compromise on her part will become more and more difficult as time goes on. When is your ex going to stop asking for things? When will she be satisfied? If she doesn't like that you live in your fiances house now, will anything change if/when you purchase something else? Will you stop asking your fiance to compromise when/if you live somewhere else? When does it end?

    I was in this position many times in my marriage and at first I felt okay I will do this because the person I love is asking me to and over time I began to realize that my partner should have been standing next to me, (figuratively speaking of course). I should have been more important than this other third party, I was the one he lived with, I was the one he came home to bed with. No matter how unpleasant dealing with the other person was for him, he didn't live with them and I began to feel less important.

    This other persons demands of my ex never went away, and the expectation that I would be the one to compromise never changed.

    Good luck

    Comment


    • #47
      HD, I'm with you on this one. I too don't see the harm in allowing her access to the house for one visit, if it allays some of her unnecessary fears. You have at least another 15 years with your x to parent your daughter, some one has to bend first. And quite soon, your x is going to have to start bending as well. As a CAS worker, she has to know this.

      My dd is 16 now, I left my first x when she was 1. Mind you, the separation itself wasn't acrimonious for the most part, it was what came after. There were many times when I wanted to beat my head against the wall but I kept repeating to myself.. he is going to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, we have to learn to communicate, even though we couldn't during our marriage.

      I'd bite my tongue until it bled when she was younger, and we both managed to keep it together for our daughter. When he drops her off, he often sits with us and has a beer on our deck on a Sunday night. We keep our discussions solely about our daughter, and her future plans.

      I hope she doesn't renig on the vacation/wedding plans, and with 3 emails in your pocket consenting, I'm not sure why she would even try.
      Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

      Comment


      • #48
        Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
        I already have emails from her agreeing to the various provisions. We've worked out the amendment, we just haven't papered it yet.

        She could delay or refuse to sign. But I have 3 emails from her agreeing to the new terms. It should be a slam dunk (if you take out the otherwise inconsistent nature of family court) should she refuse to sign.
        Ok...so paper it immediately and ask her to sign it "before" her visit to your house. Delay the visit until the paperwork is done and ready for signing. Shouldn't be much of an issue since, as you've stated, she's already basically agreed to everything via email.

        Don't in any way, shape, or form, make her signing conditional to her being able to see your house...but her answer will tell you everything you need to know about her future intent.

        I have a niggling that all her "concerns" are perhaps a way to zero out her previous agreements. I'm thinking her thought process may go something like, "I agreed to that before you did 'x' while camping"..."I agreed to that before seeing the condition of your house"..."I agreed to that before you...etc..etc..etc".

        Now...if I'm wrong...great!

        But if I'm right...wouldn't it be better to know before she's allowed to do one more thing she shouldn't be asking for in the first place? If she won't sign...then you really have no reason to let her into your home.

        Now...if she makes signing conditional to seeing your home. Advise her that she can see your home once she is ok with how the paperwork is drawn up and she can then sign while she is at the entrance to your home...before entering your home.

        Comment


        • #49
          OK folks, things didn't happen quite as expected.

          I agreed to allow ex in the house to see D6's room. She was about 15 minutes late, but no biggie. On the way into the house D6 asked if Mom could see the basement, which I replied with "Maybe another time if mom asks nicely and we have more time, as we don't have a lot of time tonight."

          Anyway, ex was pleasant. She gets in the house takes a quick look down the stairs and then see my dog (golden retriever) and pets her. Ex is smiling and even says hello to my fiance. D6 has my dog do some tricks for mom and then brings her up to her room. Ex says the room looks nice and is nice. At this point she is being quite friendly and fiance and I were about to offer showing more the house.

          Ex leaves, I feed D6. We bring home D6 who makes a few comments about "mom doesn't like you fiance, she is jealous of you." D6 also says that if she tells me she doesn't want to go on vacation with me next week, mom will allow her some privileges.....D6 then repeats this infront of Ex who quickly denies ever saying that, and pulls me outside.

          Outside she apologizes for how things went down about coming to see my house, but D6 was pretty much describing it as a hoarders house with feces on the floor and that is was always dirty. She said it is obviously a lie given what she saw. She mentioned that D6 seems like she is trying to stir the pot between us. I mention the "mom doesn't like you" comment, which she denies and says she wouldn't say as she had never really met my fiance before.

          But anyway, it looks like the rose coloured blinders are off the ex when it comes to what D6 is saying. Also, it looks like d6 has been trying to stir the pot between us and we now know what is going on and we need to stop it NOW.

          I invited Ex over to my house in the fall and we will discuss in the mean time what to do about D6 and what she is saying.

          Sucks to think my baby girl is doing this. It hurts. But if mom and I can work together to fix this, it will only help her in the long run.

          Comment


          • #50
            Children are not go betweens between parents.

            You and your ex should discuss that you will leave child out of everything. If you both follow this - you can both disregard anything D6 has to say, and keep the communication between yourselves.

            Maybe D6 is trying to stir things up, or maybe she's trying to be hepful - who knows how a 6 year old thinks exactly?

            My point is, it sounds like you and your ex will do better if you keep D6's comments categorized as not really relevent.

            Comment


            • #51
              We don't use D6 to advise the other of matters. While my ex's and my communication has never been great, we email each other our concerns...at least most of the time (I wish the ex was a little more clear about why she was so adament about coming to my place).

              My feelings are, D6 is just trying to be loyal to both of us. She has never known us to be together. So when she is with her mom, she thinks mom doesn't like me so she puts us down to her, to try and impress her mom. Vice versa at my house. It is like she is doing what she thinks is right to fit in. I will have to work with her and hopefully my ex and I can work together to help her.

              Comment


              • #52
                sounds like an excellent interpretation of what is happening.

                Comment

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