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  • #31
    Originally posted by jakre90 View Post
    I just hope she comes to her senses that it would be ideal for the baby to grow up with a father in play.
    Yeah, and she might choose someone ELSE for that role....even while you are paying FULL support and not permitted to enjoy more than a few hours a week with your child.

    You have a BIG job ahead of you....

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    • #32
      I know and thats what Im scared of. BUt to be honest with you, I can never see her moving out on her own. shes 21. It is also not good for a mother to raise her child living with her grandparents. You know what I mean?

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      • #33
        Originally posted by jakre90 View Post
        It is also not good for a mother to raise her child living with her grandparents. You know what I mean?
        Umm since when did you become an expert on that?? There are many cultures where there are three generations of a family that live together. Be thankful that she has a safe and secure place to raise the child and not some roach infested slum. You better make sure you have a great place to live if you try and use that in court.
        Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 10-13-2010, 06:34 AM.

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        • #34
          Just note that there is nothing that can be done in court until the child is born. While you can negotiate and discuss custody matters, no agreement made prior to the child being born is enforcible and the court will not make an order prior to the birth of the child.

          So effectively, you get a lawyer now and you get that lawyer primed up that on the due date (or maybe one week after if you are not informed of the birth and have to ensure the child is born) you file for custody. You ask for access and decision making abilities.

          In the mean time you do what is best to get you your results. A little presearch will be going to the local police station/court house and confirming there is a restraining order on you, as that will effect how you try to communicate (without a restraining order you only communicate via registered letter or email. With a RO you communicate through your lawyer).

          First, you send her via registered letter reasonable offers on custody/access which you state can be put into an agreement and made enforcible post birth.

          Second, you go to Baby Classes. You take Baby CPR, infant parenting classes, anything you can that will give you the skills to deal with an infant on your own. You prepare to be a dad. And should you end up in court, you show the court that you've done such things and the court will most likely be encouraged by it.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by NBDad View Post

            Keep ANY correspondence polite and professional. If you have an email address for her, then send it there. Send it ONCE and only once. Indicate you want to be a part of your child's life, and that your expectation will be shared 50-50 custody, with joint decision making via a parallel parenting model.

            Request she confirm your name will be added to the birth certificate, and that you be informed as to when she has the child so the two of you can make arrangements to finalize the details.
            Is this a good thing to email her?
            - Jessica Consoli -
            I “Jacob Spencer” would like to be part of our child’s life. My expectation is 50-50 custody with joint decision making via a parallel parenting model.
            I am also requesting that you “Jessica Consoli” to confirm that my name will be added to the birth certificate and wish to be informed when you have our child so the two of us can make arrangements to finalize the details.

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            • #36
              Doesn't have to be so formal. Yes it may be used down the road as evidence, but you aren't trying to draft a separation agreement/court order yet, you are simply stating your preferences.

              Keep the language plain, get rid of the quotes and use first names for everyone as if you were to speaking face to face.

              Let the lawyers worry about the legalise. Right now you are getting your wishes on the record so that no one can come back later and claim that you gave consent to anything but what you are stating you want now.

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              • #37
                Ok, another thing before I send it. Should I put in there, I would like a response back?

                Also, how long should I wait to contact my lawyer after I send it?

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                • #38
                  Would it be better to try to go through with mediation before the baby is born or no?

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by jakre90 View Post
                    Would it be better to try to go through with mediation before the baby is born or no?
                    You can go through mediation before, but any arrangement/agreement that you may come to will not be effective until after the child is born. So if you are looking at saving time, mediation would be a good start (if for no other reason to prove to the courts you want to be involved from day one and that you are looking to alternative dispute methods).

                    I would request that you seek mediation as it is a more cost effective and less acrimonious method of resolving your issues. And if it fails, the courts haven't gone any where.

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                    • #40
                      Something like this? Emphasising support, but still getting the message across...

                      Jessica,

                      I trust you and our child are well, and are being well taken care of.

                      I am writing to offer my support and goodwill, and also to inform you of my intentions to become an active, fully-involved father to our child.

                      I am willing to share any costs you may be incurring (e.g. prenatal classes, or special medical care) before he/she is born, and will also provide child support amounts according to the federal guidelines after birth.

                      I would like to visit in the hospital after you give birth, so please inform me when the time arrives.

                      I request that when you fill out the birth registration form, you name me as the father, and also that her surname includes my own surname. The order of surnames is not important to me.

                      I am eagerly looking forward to being a parent, and expect that we will be able to overlook our differences sufficiently so that our child may have a mother and a father both.

                      I would like to have a basic co-parenting plan in place before our child is born. Please take some time to think about this, and get whatever advice you feel you need, so that we can start discussions soon.

                      Sincerely,

                      J.
                      Last edited by dinkyface; 10-13-2010, 02:52 PM.

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                      • #41
                        Thank you dinkyface. I really appreciate your help. If you have any more advice or any of you who have helped me, it would be greatly treasured.

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                        • #42
                          excellent start. Again, it could even be more informal. But given the threats of a restraining order, it might pay off more as it looks like you've done your research (and maybe gotten legal advice).

                          Have you looked into parenting/baby classes? You could wait until you've actually enrolled or started one and include that info in your email as well.

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                          • #43
                            Hey thanks billiechic. It has been very stressful the last few days but Im slowly getting through it. I have not yet looked into parenting or baby classes. But dont worry, I am cuz that will show the court I know what im doing.

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                            • #44
                              Hopefully you are also enrolling so that you learn how to be the best parent you can be as well

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                              • #45
                                If you have friends (preferably female and comfortable talking openly about the topic) who have had children, then I'd suggest you talk with them so you can have relate better, and have some empathy for what your ex will be experiencing when your child is born and for the few months afterwards. It will be quite difficult to get much time with your baby during those first few months - the most obvious reason being breastfeeding every 3 hours around the clock. You will need to push this, but would also be good to come across as reasonable and knowledgable. Lots of good books out there for new parents too - reading one is a MUST!

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