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  • #16
    This sounds like very bad behavior on the part of your ex and difficult to live with - but it's in the past and you have to think about the future now. Nothing that you've said here suggests that he shouldn't play an equal role in parenting the child. He may be a jerk and you may dislike him intensely, but he is still the child's father. Your feelings about him as a spouse (bad, lousy) have to be separated from your ability to co-operate with him as a co-parent. This is one of the hardest things to do when divorcing.
    I agree. I think its easier to do if you can really focus on your kids and what they need to transition through a divorce.

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    • #17
      Which part of my story has made you guys think I don't want him to be involved with the baby? I would try to look at it closely.

      In fact, I had tried many ways to get him involved. I invited a lactation consultant to help us, he wasn't happy with it and did not want to be there. Public health staff came and he would sleep through, I had to wake him up a few times just to get him to listen to some parenting tips.

      After I left I invited him to come and spend time with the child at the baby play group- denied.

      Oh! I also suggested him to self refer to a public health nurse and have someone to help him if he has any questions about infant- nope he won't do it

      When the baby was about 45 day old he wanted to take him out of town for an entire weekend asking me to pump 2 days worth of milk in 3 days....I said no that is not reasonable- he instantly pulled the " ok you are denying my access. I will document that" line....

      I don't know what else can I do if we don't physically share the residence?

      Comment


      • #18
        My whole reason for divorce was actually for the child. It was not fair for the child to be living in such a hostile environment and I couldn't possibly provide the best care. Of course, you brought a valid point- I don't have the right to take the baby with me. I wasn't aware of any legal information when I left, now I know, but it is too hard to go back and change anything. Right now I just really want to have a solution. I did, try to talk to the ex about plans but nothing went too well since he was so hurt that I broke off the marriage and that hurt his parents a lot. And his parents are pushing him to go to court to get back at me.
        No doubt its bad for a child to be living in a hostile environment. Especially if you know its not getting any better.

        Again, there's nothing unique in your situation. Its just your run-of-the-mill disastrous relationship that needs to end in divorce. Half of marriages end in divorce...this stuff is common.

        I think you should try (by email) to negotiate a fair schedule with your ex so you can both see the child on a more fair basis...which may include you having to do half or all of the driving since you moved with the child.

        It might help with the situation with his parents too since he'll be able to take the baby there to visit and if they can see that he has equal access, they might stop egging him on to legally attack you.

        Its worth a try. Then you can at least feel like you're doing the right thing.

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        • #19
          I don't know what else can I do if we don't physically share the residence?
          Bring the child to him for his parenting time?

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          • #20
            You make it work. Period.

            Why does he have to go to playgroup (where you will be no doubt). Are you aware many fathers/parents might want to just snuggle quietly in private with baby? You know, like you get to do on your own?

            I don't buy your story either. Just sayin.

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            • #21
              It may well be that he doesn't attend the play group because he does not wish to spend time with you, however he may choose to attend a play group on his own with the baby on his own time. Much as he will establish his own routine with the baby when he has the baby in his care and you are not there doing everything.

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              • #22
                When the baby was about 45 day old he wanted to take him out of town for an entire weekend asking me to pump 2 days worth of milk in 3 days....I said no that is not reasonable- he instantly pulled the " ok you are denying my access. I will document that" line....
                So did you offer him an alternative plan?

                Like, I can't pump that much milk this weekend so I'll prepare formula for you to supplement with ...or....we can do it on XX/XX/XXXX weekend instead which will allow me enough time to pump the milk required?

                Basically, he's asking to see his child so I find it hard to believe that he's totally not interested in parenting. Your posts are a bit contradictory. For instance, it kind of seems like you offer him supervised parenting time doing the activities that you think are appropriate but when he asks for alone time with the child, you balk. It comes off as a bit controlling.

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                • #23
                  Oh ok!

                  Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                  Bring the child to him for his parenting time?
                  Its the driving! OK I got it.

                  Driving isn't a problem in the future, but my family member has been doing the driving and I just stay away when ex picks up the child. And that family member will NOT drive that far.....

                  I don't think driving is a problem if the conflict dies down and he stops calling me name whenever he sees me and make up a story of me abusing him afterwards.

                  If driving is the problem, I don't see it being a big issue.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Mama - just keep trucking towards a parenting schedule and CS. He's going to be showing his worst now, and you are going to be torn also, and it will take some time (and education in Cdn Family Law) ... for both of you ... before you both come to terms with co-parenting separately. It really is an unnatural arrangement, though kids can thrive (I'm 7 years in) ***when parents keep their conflict between themselves***.
                    Last edited by dinkyface; 11-06-2014, 10:27 PM.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                      So did you offer him an alternative plan?

                      Like, I can't pump that much milk this weekend so I'll prepare formula for you to supplement with ...or....we can do it on XX/XX/XXXX weekend instead which will allow me enough time to pump the milk required?

                      Basically, he's asking to see his child so I find it hard to believe that he's totally not interested in parenting. Your posts are a bit contradictory. For instance, it kind of seems like you offer him supervised parenting time doing the activities that you think are appropriate but when he asks for alone time with the child, you balk. It comes off as a bit controlling.
                      I offer him his own time, 2 hours each time 3 times a week. And I tried to offer him different time frames so it fits his schedule.

                      At that moment I wasn't sure about the alternative plan about the milk. I was asked not to supplement if I wanted to EBF, I never used a pump before and I didn't even have one either at that moment. I didn't have any formula either. ( But I wish I was given instructions by an experienced mother on how to work out an alternatives....all I felt was very pressured...and I had severe complication from the childbirth I was also quite bedridden)

                      He was asking to take the baby to his family members who live out town ( 1.5 hours away) for 2 days....I just didn't think it was the best for the baby since he was so young.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        And why is this a bad thing because of the age of the baby? Babies have no idea where they are at that age.

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                        • #27
                          Its the driving! OK I got it.

                          Driving isn't a problem in the future, but my family member has been doing the driving and I just stay away when ex picks up the child. And that family member will NOT drive that far.....

                          I don't think driving is a problem if the conflict dies down and he stops calling me name whenever he sees me and make up a story of me abusing him afterwards.

                          If driving is the problem, I don't see it being a big issue.
                          You asked what else you could do. So I suggested driving the child to him. Remember you are the one that moved, so in fairness you should bear the majority of the travel burden.

                          If your family member won't help you then figure something else out for the good of your child.

                          There are many, many, many posts about how to manage a child handoff in situations where ex's are hostile. There are many different alternatives to handle this so that you two do not have to interact...its a non-issue if planned correctly.

                          And no, it wasn't JUST about the driving. Its about your controlling and denying fair parental access to this father.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
                            Momma - just keep trucking towards a parenting schedule and CS. He's going to be showing his worst now, and you are going to be torn also, and it will take some time (and education in Cdn Family Law) ... for both of you ... before you both come to terms with co-parenting separately. It really is an unnatural arrangement, though kids can thrive (I'm 7 years in) ***when parents keep their conflict between themselves***.
                            That is it. CS isn't really my concern. I have been supporting my ex since we started dating since I make a lot more than him. I want his genuine interest for the baby, not what his parents force him to do, not to please anybody else in his family, but his own interest of spending time with the child.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                              And why is this a bad thing because of the age of the baby? Babies have no idea where they are at that age.
                              oh i just thought a 45 days old baby going out town for 2 nights without food is a bad thing...I didn't have enough milk neither had I pumped before.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                I offer him his own time, 2 hours each time 3 times a week. And I tried to offer him different time frames so it fits his schedule.
                                You expect the guy to drive 20 minutes each way for a 2 hour visit which won't allow him enough time to take the child back to his residence or to visit with his family.

                                So basically, he can visit the kid if he stays near you and your residence?

                                LOL, I wouldn't agree to that either.

                                Why haven't you offered him at least one overnight visit with his own child? Then he could at least justify the trip if he has to do the driving.

                                I see nothing wrong with him having the child for a weekend. Its a great idea, especially if you're complaining about not feeling well. It would give you a rest and give the baby a chance to bond with his father and his father's family.

                                Again, the more you post...the more you show your ass (forgive the slang).

                                Comment

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