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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 02-11-2010, 10:15 AM
Leftinditch Leftinditch is offline
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Unhappy Dealing with anger...

How do you get over the anger and deceit from a lying cheating soon-to-be ex-wife? And when you are the one that got hurt, how do you refrain from telling your kids the reason (s) why their family and their life as they know it is being destroyed? Things going sour had been going on for several months and the last revelation just came up last week. How long for the anger and bitterness to go away?
If it is revealed to the kids (8 & 10), can this be used against me for custody purposes?
I know it should be about protecting the kids but I can't think clearly...
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Old 02-11-2010, 10:33 AM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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It shows bad judgement to tell them. See a counsellor, a friend, tell anyone but them. It has nothing to do with them and you will only taint thier view of both you and their mother by telling them.

As a child that grew up in a divorced home I was blessed with parents who kept their problems to themselves. My dad never paid a cent for CS, but my mom did not talk to us about it. Dad didn't talk about her cheating. I had no bad feeling about either of them, so both my sisters and I grew up with both parents in our lives.

Do them a favour and keep your mouth shut.
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:46 AM
dinkyface dinkyface is offline
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Why not? Because you will hurt them. Find someone else to talk to.

What she did concerns YOU and HER. It has nothing to do with what is between HER and the KIDS.
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Old 02-14-2010, 10:50 AM
quizer quizer is offline
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The anger and bitterness is going to stay for along time.It will subside in time but until the divorice is all settled and done it will be with you.
I'm almost 2 years into it with my cheat of a wife and still get waves of anger.My consellors have said 2 or 3 years before you truley feel better.Some people sooner some not.Good luck.Chin up!
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Old 05-15-2010, 04:39 AM
Travelling_Back Travelling_Back is offline
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Hey. I know all about having to deal with anger in a situation a lot like your own, with the exception of kids involved. My wife left me telling me that she didn't love me anymore. I caught her out a week later. She'd been having an affair with a guy she worked with. She had tried pretty hard to hide that from me, and the fact that she moved in with him right after the whole "the love's gone and we need to move on" lines the day she left, that was my first indication as to how long it was going on for. What galled me the most is that she was so obviously coached in what to tell me and how to deal with me from the start - we'd been together for a long time and I know when she saying things that didn't come from her. So, the two of them were trying to deceive me from the start, as if I hadn't been played for a fool enough. Most of the motivations were in part financial: she didn't want me to be difficult in the proceedings and what I was going to go after, and in the other part social/egotistical: they didn't want anybody to know what they had done. This was especially apparent in her telling people that I was the reason the marriage failed. And that just burned me all the more. Not only was I played for a fool, I was being made the excuse for the failure and the new man was just a guy that she started seeing after we split. Man, it's hard not to be angry. I've set people straight on it; and now she's livid. But the fact remains: I have days when I can't stop thinking about what was done to me and how they tried to hide it. And I have days when I'm incredibly depressed about it all, and those days I hate myself the most because I don't want her in my life anymore, but I miss her desperately. Not who she is now because I don't know that person, but the woman who I loved and spent many of the happiest years of my life with. It isn't just anger, it's anger, sadness and longing for something that's missing and will never be there again. It's tough, but time has taken the edge off it to a degree. Myself, I went to counseling when I realized that it was too much for me to deal with myself. I relied on my friends a lot, and what friends they've been to me. I never realized that there are people who you can absolutely count on when your at the bottom of a life. But that only goes so far; that's the support part. What you might need is the part that involves guidance, reflection and self-direction, and that is where counseling has helped a lot. Keep your friends close and maybe consider speaking to a professional. It'll get better, take it from me, and focus on the daily things for the time being. You'll get through it, as tough as it might seem sometimes. Take care.
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Old 05-15-2010, 09:20 AM
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dadtotheend dadtotheend is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leftinditch View Post
How do you get over the anger and deceit from a lying cheating soon-to-be ex-wife? And when you are the one that got hurt, how do you refrain from telling your kids the reason (s) why their family and their life as they know it is being destroyed
Their life as they know it isn't being destroyed. It's yours and you would be projecting that on them if you did that silly rabbit.

It's a pity that she's so dirty, but you know that already don't you?
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Old 05-15-2010, 09:32 AM
logicalvelocity logicalvelocity is offline
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At the end of the day - they are still the kids other parent...put the infidelity behind and get over the anger - focus on being the best parent for your kids.
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Old 05-21-2010, 03:19 PM
UniversityMom UniversityMom is offline
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When I first left my ex ecause he had thrown our daughter I kept what he did from everyone. I didn't tell his friends but instead let them continue to believe the lies he spewed. I have as difficult as it has been swallowed all my anger and bitterness and said only nice things about him to our daughter. Even now as he lies through his teeth hatefully attacking me for custody I continue to say only nice things about him to our daughter.

I really believe that it would do more harm than good to talk poorly about her father to her.

I know it is hard, the best advice I can give is to keep telling yourself that the BEST thing for you and your childrens mental health is to stay positive!
not just in this but everything really.

easier said then done I know but it really is important not to involve the kids in that stuff.

I have decided that when she is an adult, if she "asks" I will not lie for him. I will tell her the truth and it's important to me she knows I never tried to use these truths to turn her against her dad as a kid. I don't want that. It would only make me look selfish and petty and psychologically hurt her...
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