It says for general Venting!

[mcdreamy]

Your thoughts and your post expressing them wasn't too long. Sometimes typing it out is great therapy.

Just please be aware - no material possession or asset is worth your general health. Don't tie your future happiness to a cottage. I hope you have an up day soon.

[DowntroddenDad]

I would second the idea that an offer at this time is probably a good idea.

Before you write it, think about what you want, what she would want, and how far you would go to compromise.

There are no doubt some items that you are firm on and other that you are flexible on.

Be prepared on some items to offer x but settle for x+10% (or whatever), but know what you are looking for.

Some people in this situation, go for Blue Sky bargaining. They think that if they ask for the moon, they will get what they want by wearing the other side down. Hopefully you can avoid that by making a reasonable offer that a judge might consider fair and close to the law. No doubt your first offer will be rejected, but it may open up a dialogue that may lead to a settlement.

[mcdreamy]

^^ DTD, I hadn't heard that expression before, "Blue Sky bargaining". I suppose taking that position could work to your advantage, if you are prepared to modify and lower your expectations as negotiations progress.

[DowntroddenDad]

^^ DTD, I hadn't heard that expression before, "Blue Sky bargaining". I suppose taking that position could work to your advantage, if you are prepared to modify and lower your expectations as negotiations progress.

I first learned that expression in high school, in my law class. We did a mock labour negotiation. My high school teachers, knowing I was a conservative, delighted in putting me in positions where I represented the opposite of my instincts, so I was put on the labour side. But my dad was a union steward so I did have some experience second hand.

Blue Sky really refers to a perspective that everything is going great for the company, making great profits, so lets ask for everything and anything. We may not get it, but by asking for so much, and holding tight to the position, we may get the other side to blink first and compromise. It isn't unlike some people's approach to a separation agreement. But it wastes time and wracks up lawyers bills.

[Craigerst]

Trying to keep lines of communication open. I do financial disclosure to lawyer today. It simply is not known if she prepared to discuss anything without lawyer involvement. I appreciate her position. Disclosure may open up avenue since it is in black and white. Situation deteriated to where she does not believe anything verbally. It is what it is. I still expect financial situation is dismal. If lines of communication do not open up then lawyer fees will skyrocket.

[Craigerst]

My fingers need to pour out my thoughts. The cold hard reality is I no longer have control of my wants. I no longer control my future. I no longer control my happiness. It is controlled by the laws of Ontario. The only thing that was eemotionally attached to me is in jeopardy. Why is it I cannot control my life. Seperation is seperation. I did not understand that the laws of Ontario control my future not me. I am losing it here . I know I need to refocus. The last final realty is hitting me The only thing I am attached to emotionally may be gone. I thought life was free. Apparently it is not. I feel ruined and alone.

[Craigerst]

I am wondering if this is all real. At 55 years old I feel I am done. I know many people are saying oh boo-boo. It is just a cottage. The cottage was my legacy. It was the one thing I could leave to my son. My outcome appears to be dismal. I am devastated. I do not know what to say.

[Craigerst]

I want my fingers to pour out a bit of relaxation but honestly....... It seems like the mountain is too high. There is no good way. My ex now controls my life.

[Rioe]

Talk to someone. Just because divorce is treated like a business doesn't mean your emotions automatically go away. See your doctor and get referred to some sort of counselling to help you through the turmoil. Divorce is about the most stressful thing you could ever experience and a big part of that is caused by feeling like everything is out of your control. But it isn't.

Keep in mind you are now separated. Your finances are divided by a date that is in the past. If she spends all her money on legal fees, that's on her share. You don't have to do the same. Control your lawyer. Keep your cottage.

[mcdreamy]

No one is saying oh boohoo. We've all been in your shoes, we all understand the devastation you are feeling, we've all had the rug pulled out.

You worry me, I can only encourage you to re-focus and to continue to communicate with us and, again, speak to your family doctor, your therapist, your close friends. I can assure you, your ex-wife is also experiencing these same tumultuous feelings.

You will get through this. And I know you don't believe me now, but you will be happier within yourself, by the end of this.

[stripes]

This will pass. Your life looks bleak now because you've been dealt a series of major blows coming all at a once. But this does not mean your life is over. A year or two from now, your life will look very different. I'm not being ridicuously optimistic - take it from people who have been in your shoes. Adjustment to change is always hard, especially when it's not change that you ever wanted. The impact of divorce is comparable to the impact of the death of a spouse.

Losing your cottage is a setback, but a cottage is just a piece of property with a building on it. Your real legacy to your son is yourself and your example you provide him by the way you lead your life.

I second Rioe's advice, seek out some counselling through your doctor. Getting your fears and regrets out into the open in the presence of a sympathetic listener will help your outlook immensely.

[dinkyface]

Quotes from a man, after surviving some punishing tests....

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quo...iktor_E_Frankl

[Craigerst]

I appreciate and read all your thoughts. Life is not all about being perfect. Life is not easy. It should be hard. It should be about overcoming adversity. I get that. It just should not be this hard. All the cold hard realities are crashing down around me. Family members continue to tell me it will be okay in the end

How can I remain optimistic when the final last thing - the cottage is most likely gone. I am just do not see how the only thing I wanted is gone. The one thing I could leave to my son. It may sound corny but the veterans warned me of this. I do not control my life anymore. The laws of Ontario control my life. I am not sure I want to be in a world where I no control. My ex says I was I control freak. Maybe that is my legacy. I control my destiny.

[Craigerst]

I continue to let my fingers dance since everything is so bleak at present. Close family is giving me the "it cannot be that bad speech". They do not understand the reality of the situation

Let us be unequivocally honest. My situation after my ex not working for 28 years and basically living high on the hog....I am perfectly set up for a shellacking. Spousal support and equalization payment devastates me The fact of the matter is I cannot scratch enough to get close to a equalization payment. I am not stupid but my wealth is on paper not cash. I have tried to" trade horses" or come up with agreement on any thing. The nest I got wa 1/2 and she wanted to talk about a god damn freezer. I am trying to hand on to substantial assets so they. An be divide and she want to talk about a 2 year old freezer. I am screwed

Go ahead guys kick me when I am down

[Janibel]

I understand how you feel about the possibility of losing something you really cared about. Though the legacy you are leaving to your son is YOU not some cottage or condo - you will make new memories, in whatever place you end up with. A person's value is not in their possessions.

I'm not making light of your situation, it's hell to accept these changes.
Please seek out some kind of therapy, you may be suffering from depression.

In the beginning of my divorce ordeal, I felt the same way you do, and worried about selling the family home - we built it ourselves and I was very emotionally attached to it. Now in retrospect, I can't wait to sell the place and be rid of the old memories. I'm looking forwards to finding a smaller easier to maintain place .... A new home and a new life, that's what keeps me going forward.

You need to attach your star to something new, don't give up on your future.