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  • #31
    Originally posted by distraught View Post
    You are 100% right concerning the issue of stress and medication, that's why I just agreed. Lets put the kids aside for a moment how do you feel regarding spousal support in this matter? do you feel then that all spouses that get spousal for life if married over 20 years I believe it is are connected to their ex? or is that okay because the law says it is? How would you then tell me to proceed in getting more the 8 years of spousal support after 18 years of marriage ( put everything else aside) I don't think the CRA would find it ridiculous that he claims $50,000 and that's what he bases all payments on... sorry if I am wrong here but would that not Tick you off!! I am not attacking him I am stating facts, I am in no way emotionally attached to him... please... lol well at least I did get a chuckle at that one. I feel after all that went on and what he did that he needs to acknowledge it, and pay for it, I may get laughed out of a court room but at least I know I tried.
    The key issue here, as Mess pointed out, is that you settled out of court and signed an agreement. There is always the possibility of getting a court to set aside the terms of the agreement, but the onus would be on you to prove the grounds for it such as you signed under duress, you did not get adequate independant legal advice, it was unconscionable (a whole other can of worms) ... etc etc. Not to say that that's impossible to do, but it will involve a great deal of time, expense, and probably emotional upheaval as you deal with trying to get disclosure from your ex and pushing the entire process through the courts. Are you ready, willing and able (financially, emotionally etc.) to put yourself and your kids through something like this, and for how much more difference than you are getting now (i don't know the details or figures)?

    Knowledge and information will be your best friend. Research, ask questions, get some legal advice, explore your options, then make an informed decision.

    Comment


    • #32
      Please correct me if I am wrong but if there is no financial disclosure is the separation agreement even valid? this guy just pulled numbers off the top of his head with no proof. he refused to do a personal and business disclosure. Would a judge not want that in the agreement? settled out of court or not

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by distraught View Post
        Please correct me if I am wrong but if there is no financial disclosure is the separation agreement even valid? this guy just pulled numbers off the top of his head with no proof. he refused to do a personal and business disclosure. Would a judge not want that in the agreement? settled out of court or not
        Yes, typically there should be financial disclosure from both parties in the process of reaching a settlement. However, was there a clause in the separation agreement that stated something to the effect of both parties waiving the requirement for financial disclosure? If so, doesn't make it any more "right", but that's another thing you'll have to argue about why you "willingly" conceded to having no financial back then, but want it now (ie. what has changed?). And it's been 4 years now? You'll also have to explain why it's been "working" for 4 years and you've been alright with it, but now want to re-open it again.

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        • #34
          There is no clause in the agreement regarding waiving the financial disclosures. What has changed for me and wanting after 4 years to file the agreement and get this in court or wherever it would end up is 3 years of counselling at the yellow brick house for abused women and finally getting my power back to not be afraid of him anymore and to fight for what may be rightfully owed to my children and myself. As I stated he claims $50,000 that is what payments are based on. There is quite a discrepancy there to what he is actually making. You do make a lot of sense Exquizique and I appreciate your input.

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          • #35
            Food for thought:

            Now that you have a home business, going to court could work against you. You now have disposable income to count against and lower your spousal support.

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            • #36
              If you are really serious about exploring your options for re-opening this in court, you should be consulting a lawyer (preferably one who has experience in cases similar to yours), laying out your reasons and position for why you want it re-opened, and a good lawyer will advise you, to the best of their abilities, what you're going to need in terms of "evidence" for proving your arguments and how much it's going to cost in terms of $$$ and time etc.

              Again, i don't know the figures and circumstances in your situation, but if it's a grossly distorted figure in terms of existing guidelines for support (silly example: paying $500 a month for three kids and $500 a month for an ex-spouse in a long term marriage), then you MIGHT have a good chance of having the prior agreement set aside by the judge and new orders put in effect to better reflect "reality" (whatever that may be). Do some research on Canlii to read about Judges' reasons for decisions on similar cases where a prior agreement got set aside or not, you will probably find it very informative and help yourself to set some kind of reference point to your situation.

              However, again, keep in mind that family court processes take a heck of a long time in the best of circumstances, and you will be fighting an uphill battle from the start as the onus is entirely upon you to prove your position and arguments. Also, if your ex has substantial financial resources as you suspect, then he might just lawyer up and get into a "fighting mindset" himself and if he gets a sharp, competent lawyer, you might end up walking away with no change and costs. Ultimately, you have to make the decision whether the cost of re-opening this is worth the cost of what you MIGHT get back in return, as well as keep in mind that it's not just $$$ at stake here, there's going to be an emotional and mental toll on EVERYONE (and this will include the kids unfortunately) involved in this new tussle as well if you choose to go on this path ...

              Originally posted by distraught View Post
              ...finally getting my power back to not be afraid of him anymore and to fight for what may be rightfully owed to my children and myself ...
              I would caution you on this point. As has been suggested and advised by other posters here, there are other ways to empower, and better reasons for empowering, yourself. Using this reason to fuel what MAY be a lose-lose prospect for all parties in the end, is, in my opinion, not the best way to start carving out a healthier new life and new outlook for yourself and your children.

              Comment


              • #37
                when you sign an agreement to settle, then it is settled.

                Even if you didn't get independant legal advice this doesn't mean reopening. You have to show why ILA would have changed your mind.

                Many many people settle out of court for lessor amounts, so you just look like anyone else.

                You actually have no idea what your ex earns and if CRA is accepting his returns then he is writing off legit business expenses. You can't just claim this stuff you have to prove it. You don't have a case.

                You cannot reopen equalization after all this time.

                You can try to extend spousal past 8 years. Focus on that. Don't waste yourself on the other crap.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Mess and Exquizique your opinions are greatly appreciated and you both are making alot of sense to me, your both right, I do not have the money to take it to court for one and yes right again the emotional part would kill me I would not want to see my kids go through any more. It has been a long time, in the beginning none of it bothered me I was just happy to be out of the marriage and out of the abuse.I have to get back to that, all I can do is hope that he continues to help his kids even after his time of obligation ends. As far as the spousal support is concerned I am not sure if 8 years is reasonable after 18 years of marriage. The original agreement drawn up by my lawyer stated spousal for life, he changed that , not sure how he came up with 8 years. According to my lawyer at that time he stated that a court would look into how long I had been out of the work force,how did it benefit him by me staying at home and so on, he was sure that spousal for life under the circumstances would not be denied(money grabber for him) I have limited savings and would have to represent myself in court, not sure I could deal with that , he would have the best lawyer he could find, he has the resources to back him up. Thanks again guys. I have a question is the separation agreement valid from the date of separation or when the separation agreement was signed.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    I don't understand. A settlement means your conflict and iSsues are settled. Generally it deals with issues going forward in terms of support and custody. If there are retroactive payments it should say so they can't just be assumed.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Slughead 10, How well did you re read? yes he pays his child support, yes he pays spousal support, I offered to share the cost for my sons university he said no as he wanted the right off on the taxes.( If you read correctly, you would see what he claims and makes are different) My rant is not about money running out, I have my own business that is taking off quite well, my issue is not understanding what makes it okay for him to just walk away from these children, if we were still married that would not happen why does it happen in a separation? they are still his kids .. no?

                      As has been stated many time in the responses here its the law and that's it, as said in the above post (re read if you like) I can only rely on hope that he will not abandon his kids. As far as spousal on my end when its over its over. I can stand on my own. As for the abuse issues, I will have to deal with them and get over them the best I can, I did not come here for any sympathy or sugar coated crap, I was venting!!

                      I do think some of you responded out of your own issues. The agreement was not signed with legal advice, I had an agreement drawn up and if it had been a compromised agreement with lawyers involved this would have never happened again re read and maybe pay attention as you read.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        My 2 Cents

                        Ugh..wasn't going to post on this thread...but I had to.

                        Distraught: I sympathize with your story although I don't know it all, as you said. But some of the things you've stated (although you may have just been upset), just really really bug me.

                        Okay so once they are done school I will kick them out and tell them to just go "fly". I wasn't brought up that way
                        I am on 4 different meds for mental illness related issues, one being a relaxant and makes me drowsy so I am having a hard time finding employment
                        If we never separated he would be supporting the kids well into their fifty's if they were living at home we are not of the mind set to kick our children out or to stop helping them... that is a parents job, that is why we are here!
                        As a mother, I cannot imagine having this type of attitude (I have a child attending university now). I can't think of anything more potentially crippling to the development of a young adult than a parent telling their kid its ok to live off the parental dole for 50 years...I don't care how rich the parents are...completely irrelevant (and by the way, most rich people don't get successful by living off the teat past adulthood). My mother was divorced, so I worked, paid my own tuition and wouldn't be the person I am today had I not done that.
                        It is ABSOLUTELY NOT a parent's job or why you are here...to help them financially (or let them stay at home) past the time they graduate from school. Your job as a parent is to raise your children to become independent...THATS why you are here. You are not raising children...you're raising future adults. There is nothing more annoying to society at large than a 20 something year old with a sense of entitlement. I'm not suggesting you can't help them...but what you're suggesting is creating a crippling dependency mentality...much like the one that you "may" have to your medication. By the way, if medication is making you dysfunctional for working...I would definitely investigate anything I could to fix that because it cannot be good for your parenting either. Of course, again I'm sympathetic if there's nothing you can do.
                        As for your husband's mindset. It obviously isn't the same as yours since a) you're divorced and b) regarding the children's post-education lifestyle since he made no such agreement. When you say he's "just walking away," he's not doing that if he's paying their tuition and upkeep until they're done school. I hope that he still maintains a relationship with them and that he isn't still abusive.
                        As to this:
                        he needs to pay for therapy for these kids and I will fight to get a court order for that and he needs to compensate me for all the years of physical, emotional and mental abuse that he caused,
                        Oh have sucked it up too but hopefully I will sink him down, its called taking my power back.. you should try it.
                        While I agree that your children may need therapy and he should help with that if there is a history of abuse, you cannot be financially compensated for abuse...you just can't. First of all, consider yourself very very lucky that you live in a country that women have rights and can leave these situations. I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to property and/or support post divorce but you cannot financially penalize him in some way that will make-up for being abused. That is a very flawed mentality. Even more flawed and disturbing is the idea that "taking your power back" involves you financially suing the crap out of your husband. That is not how any woman should empower herself at all...that you think that truly bothers me. You are far more empowered with the businesses that you have created...that you should be very proud of because THAT and being a great mom is how you take your life back.
                        Again, by all means, if you feel as though your settlement was completely unfair, reopen it. Forgive me for saying it but your mindset strikes me more as whiny entitlement than empowering. It may just be the posts you've put up because like you said, no one knows the whole story but the tone is truly disturbing...moreso because you seem to be passing it onto your children. In my opinion, that is simply abusive in itself.
                        Sorry if this makes you angry but sometimes hearing other people's input and listening...even if it stings a little can be helpful.
                        Best wishes to you and your children.


                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Did anyone else read the link to the article by N.Bala?

                          I am curious about the paragraph "apportioning post secondary expenses between the parents". Basically, the NCP could be on the hook for all of the post secondary costs (first paragraph, last couple of sentences) unless still paying full guideline CS. In my opinion, CS should be reduced during the months kid is at school and this should not mean CP does not have to contribute to school expenses.

                          Let me know how you interpret this, please.

                          Not to be cruel, Distraught, but you seem to be confusing revenge with empowerment and moving on. I dare say, you feel guilty over what has happened and how it has impacted the children. Life sucks. Teach your children to be self sufficient and not to let this "ruin" their lives.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Pursuinghappiness,
                            wow! maybe you should not have replied, your accusations or views on things is so warped. As I stated my son does work. pays for his own vehicle, again I think I am done repeating myself,. Re read and get the story right. Nothing you have written "stings" me. Why is he paying the tuition? , what exac tly am I passing onto my children? and I take great offense to your statement how I am in anyway abusing my children!! for the love of God what is wrong with you people!! were you all raised in trailer parks? The way you people think is astounding!! If i was a millionairess Would I not make sure my kids were set for lfe?? of course I would!! would that make them less independent ? I am so done dealing with the comments that some of you have written all I can say is wow! no wonder the youth of today is so out of control .. If this is any example of the way parents think today then we are all doomed!! I will help my children for as long as need be. My medication does in no way interfere with my raising of my children! Maybe come back and reply after you have been punched out, kicked around, raped,had 12 stitches to your head, had knives thrown at you, had to use toilet paper as sanitary napkins,be told when to eat, speak, and when to bathe!!! come back then and talk to me. Yes he a saint he pays his support wow he pays for his sons university guilt maybe for kicking the crap out of him ?? hmmm you make an educated guess!!

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              LOL and of course look who pipes up, Not biter at all, angry yes it seems. hope you never need meds but hey you know what they say about karma!!! Actually I hope one day you do need them, lots of them!! maybe you will stop making ignorant comments! Have you nothing besides going on about meds to say LOL!!! I will say you make me smile. Don't need anyone's sympathy. Sympathy is for the weak, caring is what the human heart is for. Bye Bye nice meeting all of you!

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Distraught:

                                First of all...I wasn't making accusations of any kind but I'm also not going to coddle you or agree with your posts if I don't agree. This forum is used to state opinions only...that's mine..take it or leave it. As I stated, I'm not unsympathetic...however, your attitude seems flawed to me.

                                As I stated my son does work. pays for his own vehicle, again I think I am done repeating myself
                                I never responded to your son working...that's wonderful. I responded to the fact that you are ticked off that your ex isn't forced to support them well after the point that they should be supporting themselves. Again, in my opinion, that isn't assisting in their adult development.

                                I take great offense to your statement how I am in anyway abusing my children!! for the love of God what is wrong with you people!! were you all raised in trailer parks?
                                It sounds like you take offense to any intended helpful advice while lashing out a bunch of insults at people who don't help play your violin, however, that's your issue to deal with. I consider any mother not imposing upon their children a sense of personal responsibilty for their own upkeep as adults abusive in nature. The very idea that you think its normal for adult children to live on the parental dole post graduation seems to create a sense of dependency which is crippling to children.

                                As to your insinuations about trailer parks, I've never been in one but if the people there are under the impression that raising children should result in them taking personal responsibility in their adult lives..good for people who live in trailer parks. Although I'm not a member of the extremely wealthy class, I know a lot of people with a lot of money who don't believe that their children should be supported into their adulthood. A lot of rich people make money by working their butts off without their parents help and doing it from a very young age. If you were a millionairess, I can imagine you'd be raising some very annoying adults.

                                no wonder the youth of today is so out of control
                                I would suggest to you that the youth of today is directionless and "out of control" more due to people with your mentality who let them live at home forever playing xbox and instill in them a sense of entitlement. There's a lot of very spoiled kids around getting out of college who won't even work unless they're offered an amazing starting salary with benefits.

                                Maybe come back and reply after you have been punched out, kicked around, raped,had 12 stitches to your head, had knives thrown at you, had to use toilet paper as sanitary napkins,be told when to eat, speak, and when to bathe!!!
                                I again am very sympathetic to this...no one...no one should be abused in this way. However, please do not test me on my thoughts on a woman who stays with children in this kind of situation..especially when its being inflicted on the same-mentioned children. There are places in the world where you have zero choice to leave these situations...in fact, they imprison and kill women who try. You do not live in one of those countries. You have the right to leave and seek a better life which sounds like exactly what you did. I'm very happy for you and your children that you did. But to suggest that you can get financially compensated for abuse is very disturbing.

                                You can get as inflamed and angry at me as you want...it hardly bothers me. Its far more hurtful to you. Nothing that I posted was rude or intended to upset or denigrate you...my intention, although probably misguided due to your mindset, was to make suggestions to give you another human being's viewpoint. You can refuse every other's person's opinion in the world but that doesn't make you "right"...not even close. You want to be right, you want sympathy, you want revenge...but what you're probably going to end up with is a life full with bitterness. That's exactly my impression of you. Sorry.

                                Comment

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