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  • #16
    Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
    Maybe it's just my personal male viewpoint, but again; all I see is crazy ex when I hear you mention strippers and massages, whether it's to the ocl or a counselor. Those don't equate to drinking and getting high.

    Surely if you have all his financials with these items on them, then you should have debits at actual bars, beer store, weed shop, etc. Any of those could be useful. What you mention here is not, unless you're looking to reconcile.
    I have that too. Lots of pub receipts and bars, and the lcbo...he was spinning. I think it's stopped- or per the financials, it seems to have slowed down? I dunno, it's not up to me to decide that...I'm thinking I should start being there at the drop off to ensure he's not high- it's the only thing I care about.

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    • #17
      So he hasn't actually harmed the child during supervised access, nothing was said or anything bad for the child... You just found receipts for lap dances and massages, and now want to tell ocl and your counselor, and switch routines so you can supervise exchanges.

      Like I said, you're still emotionally involved. Sooner or later you'll have to trust that it'll be ok. Maybe with the help of a cocktail or a j.

      Comment


      • #18
        Make a motion for child support. Now. If you don't do it you will likely be raked over the coals in the future and have to explain to a judge why you did not seek this.

        Father of the child is immature. You knew what he was when you had kid with him. If you were still together you'd probably be partying alongside him no?

        Get child support. Hopefully somewhere along the line the baby-daddy will attend some after separation courses. Sooner or later the baby-daddy will meet someone else and have more kids (people like this are predictable). Best to get your money claim in before the other kids start popping up.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by arabian View Post
          Make a motion for child support. Now. If you don't do it you will likely be raked over the coals in the future and have to explain to a judge why you did not seek this.

          Father of the child is immature. You knew what he was when you had kid with him. If you were still together you'd probably be partying alongside him no?

          Get child support. Hopefully somewhere along the line the baby-daddy will attend some after separation courses. Sooner or later the baby-daddy will meet someone else and have more kids (people like this are predictable). Best to get your money claim in before the other kids start popping up.
          It's done. The request letter is sent stating that if we're not contacted regarding arrears we will set a motion date this week. Luckily in Toronto, motion dates can be had quickly. I've drafted the affidavit to accompany the motion materials.

          Part of the reason I fired my first lawyer is because they were not pursuing CS because he was paying my share of the mortgage- I explained that was not actually the case and they kept putting me off then saying that we hadn't exchanged full financial disclosure- which they said I HAD to have in order to make a CS claim. Bullshit. When they actually accepted his financial disclosure- incomplete- I pulled the plug and found a new lawyer. Unfortunately- just the delay of summer, etc...put me at 7 months out before we got all the information. I'm confident that my affidavit evidence shows that I have persistently requested CS throughout my matter.

          And as to the question about his past behaviour. Yeah- I missed the red flags. Clearly. And that is my burden to bear. That I married an immature abusive alcoholic means I have work to do...and I've been doing that for the past nine months.

          As to whether I would've been partying with him? No. I did party a lot in my 20s. Never into heavy drinking or drugs though. I stopped in my 30s. Really- he just was unsatisfied with married life (me)- and having a kid. He said our daughter was my responsibility when she woke up through the night. He never tried to feed her a meal, or give her a bath. Which is why it blows my mind that he's trying to play dad of the year now. I don't get it.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by arabian View Post
            Make a motion for child support. Now. If you don't do it you will likely be raked over the coals in the future and have to explain to a judge why you did not seek this.

            Get child support. Hopefully somewhere along the line the baby-daddy will attend some after separation courses. Sooner or later the baby-daddy will meet someone else and have more kids (people like this are predictable). Best to get your money claim in before the other kids start popping up.
            Done. Good news is that the threat of the motion did the trick.

            He's starting to pay as of Dec 1. Table amount. What sucks is that he's voluntarily paying it- so I don't have a court order or separation agreement I can register with FRO.

            We're still not in agreement about section 7 portions. It's silly- his lawyer is asking for all my current income earned for this year. I got paid out a huge chunk for my accrued sick leave as well as the remainder of my vacation. It's going to fuck me up come tax time and apportionment of section 7. HOWEVER, that's in 2019. For now- he's gotta use line 150 from 2017 or the avg of my last three years. I even offered to use my current salary at the new employer. His lawyer is trying to push to use my previous salary. I'm not even sure where she's going with that. But I'm sure she has some plan. I kinda hate her- but respect the hell out of her strategizing.

            We've set out our expectation for arrears to be paid from the proceeds of the sale of the house. Really- I'm just going to go for a fair settlement at that point. Put it all the pot and mediate/arbitrate it.

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            • #21
              You could argue that those amounts were a one time occurrence and should not be used as an indicator of your actual income.

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              • #22
                He's starting to pay as of Dec 1. Table amount. What sucks is that he's voluntarily paying it- so I don't have a court order or separation agreement I can register with FRO.
                This seems odd. He's saving you lots of time and money. It would only suck if he wasn't paying.

                We're still not in agreement about section 7 portions. It's silly- his lawyer is asking for all my current income earned for this year....
                For now- he's gotta use line 150 from 2017 or the avg of my last three years.
                CS should go by your current incomes. If you go to court, they'll use your current income. You may be able to argue against the one off occurrence income like rockscan said, but it should definitely be your current higher salary.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                  This seems odd. He's saving you lots of time and money. It would only suck if he wasn't paying.
                  He's actually cost me an unbelievable amount of money in legal fees just to get him to pay table CS. I asked about a month or two after we separated- he refused and his lawyer said we needed to both file our financial statements- which he dragged his feet on- THEN filed an incomplete one- no taxes. etc etc...I tried numerous times to speak wth him to say "you need to pay your CS"- he just said no- he wouldn't pay until he got the access he wanted and the custody arrangement he wanted. I told him no- not until the OCL made their recommendations- and that I'm not bargaining with our daughter. I almost begged his sister not to let CS cost us both 7-10k each to argue a motion. We separated 9 months ago- he's JUST starting to pay CS now.


                  CS should go by your current incomes. If you go to court, they'll use your current income. You may be able to argue against the one off occurrence income like rockscan said, but it should definitely be your current higher salary.
                  I offered up my current salary- what he and his lawyer want to hang their hat on is my salary at the time we separated in February. I took a 20k pay cut in September to allow me to cut down my commute and be closer to my family- AND closer to him coincidentally (he moved before I did). It works out well for our daughter since she wont' have to spend 40-60min commuting between our homes.

                  I offered up the last three years of income avg'd- which would include my mat year. What I won't agree to is to use my previous salary for the calculation- as I was only at that salary for 4 months.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Unless you are off-set, your income only matters for section 7 and if that is daycare, make sure you take the tax deduction off.

                    If he’s still dragging his feet, could you go for a motion? I also wouldn’t worry too much about not having anything for FRO. He is still on the hook for arrears and he would only make himself look bad if he decided to mess with table cs.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      What is the difference between his full table cs amount and your half amount of the mortgage? Would there still be arrears owed?

                      Sorry, I didn't release your income recently dropped. With the $20k lower salary, is your income still 40% higher than your ex? Taking that much of a pay cut, to help your ex with his commute, may not be acceptable. Especially if he'll most likely get shared custody and cs from you.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                        Unless you are off-set, your income only matters for section 7 and if that is daycare, make sure you take the tax deduction off.

                        If he’s still dragging his feet, could you go for a motion? I also wouldn’t worry too much about not having anything for FRO. He is still on the hook for arrears and he would only make himself look bad if he decided to mess with table cs.
                        I can go for the motion- and I will. I've already drafted the documents for my lawyer.

                        I have to look into the tax deduction. I'm not sure what I qualify for.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Your lawyer should be able to figure it out via divorcemate.

                          You can also seek costs at a motion which means you may recoup some of the money you have spent to get to this point.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                            What is the difference between his full table cs amount and your half amount of the mortgage? Would there still be arrears owed?

                            Sorry, I didn't release your income recently dropped. With the $20k lower salary, is your income still 40% higher than your ex? Taking that much of a pay cut, to help your ex with his commute, may not be acceptable. Especially if he'll most likely get shared custody and cs from you.
                            The mortgage bit is a HUGE point of contention. It's a long story. But he wasn't actually covering my share of the mortgage.

                            I think you missed where I said he didn't actually want 50/50 or shared. What he wants is 40%- just enough so he can try to claim offset or not pay CS. He said he wants EOW and one night a week- that doesn't get to 40%. And even then- I won't agree to the overnights during the week now. It's not in our daughter's best interest.

                            With the pay cut- my salary is about 20% higher than his. And I doubt he'd even try to raise the argument that I shouldn't have taken the pay cut- it's 100% better for our daughter. It wasn't really to help with HIS commute- it was to help with our daughter being closer to all of her family- his family is local as well. Now she gets to spend a lot more time with both sides of the family.

                            Plus I haven't underemployed myself- it's a lateral move. It just happened the municipality I worked for before was one of the highest paying- and I just moved to one where the salary grid is a lot lower.

                            At the end of the day- my salary only counts for s7, unless he gets 50/50 or offset. He has indicated he doesn't want that much parenting time. Though- I don't put it past him or his lawyer to seek that much to try to eliminate CS.
                            Last edited by iona6656; 11-27-2018, 01:27 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              At the end of the day, all that matters is what is written in his application. I'm assuming he didn't amend it to say only 40%. If he asked for sole/shared, that's what's at play.

                              What you call a lateral move could easily been seen as underemploying yourself, when you said a few weeks ago that you made 40% more and would therefore be responsible for child support. Also, once money is at play and more could be had, people tend to take all they can get.
                              Is the mortgage payment higher or equal to his cs payment? I think it's an important part for arrears. You say you gave him money while married, yet acknowledge he was paying your half of the mortgage while sharing other bills.

                              I'm curious at what age do you think it would be reasonable for his dad to have overnight access? You may find the courts don't agree and your support motion could include a new schedule.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                His application asks for joint and parenting time as the court deems acceptable.

                                Mortgage payments were lower than CS.

                                I transferred him a LOT of money each month during the marriage- to be used for the mortgage which we split 50/50- and we saved to pay an extra 20% on our mortgage principle... and we each were supposed to contribute a proportionate share to a savings account - to buy an investment property. We had budgets worked out- which he drafted and I agreed to. I only found out after he wasn't following the budget at all. Rather I was building the savings account- and he was building his RRSPs. He took the savings account on separation and reduced the mortgage payments without my consent.

                                As to overnights- what I'm more concerned about is her well-being (as well as safety- but that's for the OCL to rule on I guess?). He can't cook. He's learned to make 1 thing -and it's the same thing he's been feeding her for lunch for the last 8 months.

                                She doesn't always eat a proper meal when she's with him for the day. It's fine when she's just with him for the day- but I'm concerned on the long term impact. His lawyer asked for- and I agreed to send a bunch of recipes on OFW. I've offered to send over frozen meat & veggie patties I make for her in bulk. He's refused. She's just a picky toddler- no surprise there. The problem is that she's also been diagnosed with failure to thrive twice. She might just be a tiny girl...but because she has severe allergies- and iron deficiency (from birth)- she's monitored closely by her pediatrician and GI specialist. I'm sure she'll grow out of it- and he will get better. But for now- her well being trumps all.

                                Edited to add: I *WANT* the schedule to change. Depending on the OCL recommendation- I want time to increase gradually including overnights. I don't see that he needs to wait to a specific age- it's more about just getting her used to spending time at both homes regularly. And most importantly- showing that he can actually care for her.
                                Last edited by iona6656; 11-27-2018, 03:13 PM.

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