Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Some comforting wisdom to share with you all

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #46
    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
    Then supplement with a good formula.

    There's thousands of mothers who can't nurse due to thousands different reasons. Their babies don't starve, go blind, or die because they're supplemented with formula.

    I'm sorry...I'm just not buying the excuses. It seemed like as soon as your story about what an uninvolved parent he was got contradicted, you started down another path on trying to justify why you're right in refusing access. At the end of the day, you took this child without legal permission out of residence so you bear the burden of trying to figure out how this dad can have fair access to the child. What you've offered him, given the travel time, is completely unreasonable.
    You don't have to buy anything, neither has the judge to approve anything. And whatever happens in the end happens. I know that I have tried very hard to struggle through and am I perfect? No. But people do whatever they can sometimes.


    I do however appreciate your information on the handling of the exchanging child...I am going to do some research on that.

    Comment


    • #47
      Originally posted by Janibel View Post
      Here's what will give me some comfort: to be done with it, once and for all!! You have no idea how long this bleeping process takes ... One of my cousins was married for only 4 years, his divorce is going on 5 with no settlement in sight!

      Arm yourself with patience and learn everything that you can about dual parenting, it won't be easy, but as long as you are reasonable and willing to share with Papa, things will improve with time. All the best for the kidlet.
      What usually keeps the divorce that long?

      Comment


      • #48
        You don't have to buy anything, neither has the judge to approve anything. And whatever happens in the end happens. I know that I have tried very hard to struggle through and am I perfect? No. But people do whatever they can sometimes.
        I'm not suggesting you have to be perfect. People are trying to give you very good advice on how to be reasonable since what you're currently doing with regard to access isn't.

        Yes, I suppose you can just leave it to some impartial, uninvolved judge to take all your power away and leave it up to fate for the family court system to make a very calculated decision about a baby that should be the focus of your entire world right now.

        Or you can be a good parent, realize that this kid needs his dad even if you don't like the guy, and step-up and try do the right thing. It might not even work but shame on you for not trying.

        I've been through a very difficult custody dispute and to this day, I pride myself on the fact that from the very beginning, I did my absolute best to make sure that my child had fair access to both her parents. I NEVER tried to deny fair access to my ex...and believe me, I don't have much good to say about the guy....but he's my child's father and her right to a relationship with her dad is more important than my need for control...or my need to be right...on any day of the week.

        Comment


        • #49
          Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
          I'm not suggesting you have to be perfect. People are trying to give you very good advice on how to be reasonable since what you're currently doing with regard to access isn't.

          Yes, I suppose you can just leave it to some impartial, uninvolved judge to take all your power away and leave it up to fate for the family court system to make a very calculated decision about a baby that should be the focus of your entire world right now.

          Or you can be a good parent, realize that this kid needs his dad even if you don't like the guy, and step-up and try do the right thing. It might not even work but shame on you for not trying.

          I've been through a very difficult custody dispute and to this day, I pride myself on the fact that from the very beginning, I did my absolute best to make sure that my child had fair access to both her parents. I NEVER tried to deny fair access to my ex...and believe me, I don't have much good to say about the guy....but he's my child's father and her right to a relationship with her dad is more important than my need for control...or my need to be right...on any day of the week.

          I will definitely think about what you said. There is a learning curve to be a new mom, and I am also trying to get more information about this access thing too. Mind you though it took me 3 months to work on a schedule with my ex and finally I could live my days not worrying that my ex wants to see the child right away and I can't have the child ready in time. I consider this a milestone of its own.

          Comment


          • #50
            I'm jumping in here and thought I'd share some of my own experiences.

            My son was a premature baby (7 weeks early) and was born via emerg. c-section. He had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. Back in those days (33 years ago to be exact) the hospital was pretty good to let a new mother stay for a while (1 week) but after that I had to go home and commute daily (40 km) to the hospital. I was a wreck. I was in no way prepared for the birth and I certainly didn't know a damn thing about breast feeding.

            I recall I had to pump the milk but within a few weeks the hospital nurses started to introduce a combination of breast milk and watered-down formula. Within a very short period of time my son was on formula alone. I recall we had to monkey around with the ratio of water to formula. I recall that I had home care nurses drop by our house every week once my son was back at home.

            You might have to change the nipple (I'm sure there are many different types on the market) and you have to make sure the formula is at the right temperature (same as breast milk - not too hot).

            Do you have any clinics/home care nursing people who could help you with the transition from breast milk to formula?

            Anyhow, my son is a healthy man now and I do recall that I soon learned to love the formula routine as I could sleep peacefully through the night (my then-husband did all the night feedings). You will have a lot more freedom when your baby is on formula and once you can get a regular parenting schedule set up with the baby's father you will slowly get more comfortable and have some time to yourself. The baby's father's family might very well turn out to be a blessing as well.
            Last edited by arabian; 11-06-2014, 11:51 PM.

            Comment


            • #51
              I will definitely think about what you said. There is a learning curve to be a new mom, and I am also trying to get more information about this access thing too. Mind you though it took me 3 months to work on a schedule with my ex and finally I could live my days not worrying that my ex wants to see the child right away and I can't have the child ready in time. I consider this a milestone of its own.
              Its revealing that you keep stating that your ex wants to see this baby.

              Work with him on it. Since he hasn't had equal access to the baby, you may have to slowly ramp up the visitation schedule so that you have time to work on the breastfeeding issue and he has time to get used to taking care of the baby for increasing time on his own.

              Ultimately you have to consider the travel time. The time he needs to visit with his family. And eventually he should be ramping up to regular overnight visits. Forget the supervised access visits where you have to be there or you control the activity. He needs alone time with the baby.

              Maybe if you offer the guy a reasonable ramped up visitation schedule where you're working up to a 50/50 split over time, he'll seek legal counsel who will probably advise him to accept. Its probably pretty much what a judge will do anyway.

              Its hard at first to adjust to not having your kid around you all the time but eventually you learn that the private time can be used very constructively.

              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by arabian View Post
                I'm jumping in here and thought I'd share some of my own experiences.

                My son was a premature baby (7 weeks early) and was born via emerg. c-section. He had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. Back in those days (33 years ago to be exact) the hospital was pretty good to let a new mother stay for a while (1 week) but after that I had to go home and commute daily (40 km) to the hospital. I was a wreck. I was in no way prepared for the birth and I certainly didn't know a damn thing about breast feeding.

                I recall I had to pump the milk but within a few weeks the hospital nurses started to introduce a combination of breast milk and watered-down formula. Within a very short period of time my son was on formula alone. I recall we had to monkey around with the ratio of water to formula. I recall that I had home care nurses drop by our house every week once my son was back at home.

                You might have to change the nipple (I'm sure there are many different types on the market) and you have to make sure the formula is at the right temperature (same as breast milk - not too hot).

                Do you have any clinics/home care nursing people who could help you with the transition from breast milk to formula?

                Anyhow, my son is a healthy man now and I do recall that I soon learned to love the formula routine as I could sleep peacefully through the night (my then-husband did all the night feedings). You will have a lot more freedom when your baby is on formula and once you can get a regular parenting schedule set up with the baby's father you will slowly get more comfortable and have some time to yourself. The baby's father's family might very well turn out to be a blessing as well.
                I do have a nurse visiting me. It is a big thing to breastfeed these days. In the hospital despite my baby was jaundiced, they didn't seem to be willing to give him any formula until one day I over-exhausted myself and they took the baby away to let me sleep- they did feed him formula. Back them he couldn't tell the difference. I did feel the pressure that I NEED to breastfeed since everybody told me I should.

                I tried different size of nipples and different types. Always tried to keep the temperature right as well. The nurse encourages me to breastfeed still since it is the best for the baby. She told me if I supplement formula it will affect my milk supply. I am sure formula is also good for the baby and there are so many babies growing up drinking formula. However, I do think breastfeeding is a personal choice, there is no good or bad to it. And in my case, it just happens that the baby doesn't like rubber nipples, and I am not pressuring him either. Whether judge believes it or not, I am not really concerned.


                I echo your experience of having to learn everything new once the child arrives. These days they also have this "room in" service where the child stays in the same room as you instead of being in the nursery while in the hospital.

                You are right about the ex's family. In the long run it probably will be a blessing. My ex mother in law however is partially banned from my ex sister in law's house . So right now all her attention is on my child trying to have some control. It is very hard to make sense to everything that's happening right now.....I need a big sigh.

                Comment


                • #53
                  Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                  Its revealing that you keep stating that your ex wants to see this baby.

                  Work with him on it. Since he hasn't had equal access to the baby, you may have to slowly ramp up the visitation schedule so that you have time to work on the breastfeeding issue and he has time to get used to taking care of the baby for increasing time on his own.

                  Ultimately you have to consider the travel time. The time he needs to visit with his family. And eventually he should be ramping up to regular overnight visits. Forget the supervised access visits where you have to be there or you control the activity. He needs alone time with the baby.

                  Maybe if you offer the guy a reasonable ramped up visitation schedule where you're working up to a 50/50 split over time, he'll seek legal counsel who will probably advise him to accept. Its probably pretty much what a judge will do anyway.

                  Its hard at first to adjust to not having your kid around you all the time but eventually you learn that the private time can be used very constructively.

                  i did suggest 50/50 parent time at the beginning ( of course when the child gets older), he didn't take up that offer. He wanted me to leave the city and his family will take care of the child. I was surprised that how he could even come up with that since he never took care of the child himself, and he wants me to be out of the child's life pretty much. I don't hold it against him though, because that's really not something he can decide. He was just saying it to make me upset.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    I recall years ago that there was a big deal about breast feeding as well. There was some radical group that used to send its members literally door-to-door to new mothers. I had this group visit me shortly after I took my son home from the hospital. I recall one woman in the group had a set of twins. These twins were toddlers 2 1/2 yrs old. The kids ran over to the mother, hopped on her lap and yep, sucked on her tit right there in my living room - I kid you not! Well that kind of 'sealed the deal' for me and I was a dedicated formula mama after that.

                    Perhaps you can make an overture to your ex-mother-in-law and she can give you some help with the baby. It has to be very awkward for her right now. However, if you can develop a good relationship with her it will perhaps ease your mind when the baby's father has the baby. She might very well end up being a primary care-giver when with the baby's father.

                    I wouldn't concern yourself too much with the dynamics of the ex-mother-in-law's relationship with her daughter. Mothers and daughters/fathers and sons - all families have problems to resolve.

                    Hopefully you can get things settled with the baby's father sooner rather than later so the two of you can get on with the business of raising your beautiful child.

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                      Its revealing that you keep stating that your ex wants to see this baby.

                      Work with him on it. Since he hasn't had equal access to the baby, you may have to slowly ramp up the visitation schedule so that you have time to work on the breastfeeding issue and he has time to get used to taking care of the baby for increasing time on his own.

                      Ultimately you have to consider the travel time. The time he needs to visit with his family. And eventually he should be ramping up to regular overnight visits. Forget the supervised access visits where you have to be there or you control the activity. He needs alone time with the baby.

                      Maybe if you offer the guy a reasonable ramped up visitation schedule where you're working up to a 50/50 split over time, he'll seek legal counsel who will probably advise him to accept. Its probably pretty much what a judge will do anyway.

                      Its hard at first to adjust to not having your kid around you all the time but eventually you learn that the private time can be used very constructively.


                      Also, its more like he wants his parents to see the baby. Every time its about his parents... it is his parents feeding him $$ to go fight in court too. He wasn't even gonna come and see the baby until his parent made him a "to do list" ( advise from lawyers which includes visiting the baby).

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Why can't he decide that for you? You decided for him, pot/kettle.

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Originally posted by arabian View Post
                          I recall years ago that there was a big deal about breast feeding as well. There was some radical group that used to send its members literally door-to-door to new mothers. I had this group visit me shortly after I took my son home from the hospital. I recall one woman in the group had a set of twins. These twins were toddlers 2 1/2 yrs old. The kids ran over to the mother, hopped on her lap and yep, sucked on her tit right there in my living room - I kid you not! Well that kind of 'sealed the deal' for me and I was a dedicated formula mama after that.

                          Perhaps you can make an overture to your ex-mother-in-law and she can give you some help with the baby. It has to be very awkward for her right now. However, if you can develop a good relationship with her it will perhaps ease your mind when the baby's father has the baby. She might very well end up being a primary care-giver when with the baby's father.

                          I wouldn't concern yourself too much with the dynamics of the ex-mother-in-law's relationship with her daughter. Mothers and daughters/fathers and sons - all families have problems to resolve.

                          Hopefully you can get things settled with the baby's father sooner rather than later so the two of you can get on with the business of raising your beautiful child.

                          I was breastfed for a year and I think I will do the same thing with my son. It seems to be a pretty reasonable time frame. I don't think I'd be comfortable feeding a 2.5 year old....but again it is people's personal choice on how long they wish to breastfeed.


                          That's right about his mother. I do think when she is around I feel more at ease that the child is in my ex's care. Although she was also the reason why he never learned himself- she has done everything for him in life.

                          Thanks a lot for the understanding and support arabian. I am sure things will be ok in the end, and if it is not ok, it is not the end yet.

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Of course he wants his family to see the baby, and good for him for building himself a support system, especially one with experience. You should be considering this a good thing, just as it may have been overwhelming for you, it may be for him so it's vital he has a good place to turn for support.

                            Sounds to me like he's on the right track.

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              For breastfeeding (yes, i know I have no breasts and can't tell women what to do with them) but from what I understood the recommendation is that it is at least 6 months exclusively, 1 year min recommendation till 2 years.

                              Breastfeeding: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) | DNPAO | CDC

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                My son is a useless tit about things because I too did/do everything for him... I can't imagine my son a father (and I'd likely try to take control if he were) but then I do know that sometimes a person simply needs to jump in and figure things out. That's what I ended up doing when I became a mom. I recall being too scared to bath my son and my then-husband had to do it until I gradually became more confident. I recall crying my eyes out, many many times, thinking I was a terrible mother because my son would only eat jarred baby food and not the food I tried to make myself in the blender. I was fortunate that my mother-in-law was extremely supportive (without being intrusive).

                                Your ex probably needs some alone time with his mother and the baby. He will probably want to prove to you that he is a good father and so he will need time to learn to do things his own way.

                                Regarding the breastfeeding, I really don't know how you will manage to do this and share custody. Can a person freeze breast milk? Can you give the baby breast milk and the father feed the baby formula? I really don't know much about how things are done nowadays.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X