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  • Advice Needed-Access issues with teenager

    Hello, I am new on the formus here. Great website! Wish I had found it years ago!

    My situation-Sole Custody of two daughters, 10 and 13. Father has access. We live in different provinces so access is over X-Mas and Spring break and summer holidays. Very high confict divorce and for several years afterwards as well. Ex-husband was a physically abusive partner. Children saw too much. Ex husband was not interested in fathering children until a few years ago. He spent several years with no contact with the daughters. (his choice)

    Older daughter is having some issues with father. She was part of his friends list on a social networking website where he called me disgusting abusive names and she saw it. She is so hurt and upset. I guess this was her breaking point as she is refusing to attend access. Their relationship had not been great the past year. She is very upset about the high conflict the father puts the family through, it has gotten to her. Father is litigation happy and has dragged me through court for over two years on trivial issues. Tried mediation, it was not successful, father did not cooperate. Father is not reasonable to discuss parenting issues with. She tried to talk to him about what she feels several times to only fall on deaf ears. I have always encouraged them to have a relationship when he came back into their lives.

    Daughter is also upset about his living arragments. He told the court he lived with his mother and had room to accomodate them for access. Turns out he is living in a 1 bedroom apartment with his girlfriend. When the girls go on access the youngest sleeps in the bed with the girlfriend and the oldest sleeps on an air bed in the living room with the father on the couch. Not sure how I feel about this. It is creepy but I understand he probably could not afford better. Big issue is I do not know the address of the girlfriend where the girls are staying. I can't just simply ask him.

    I am looking for advise in what to do for daughter. Do I drag her to the airport and make her get on the plane? I would feel bad doing this but the access is court ordered and i do understand the importance of her having a relationship with her father. I do however feel her concerns are quite valid. She is in a couselling program already.

    I am exhausted finacially from several years of on-going litigation so at this point I would have to self represent. I know if daughter does not go I am in for a contempt motion. I do not want to open that door to him to litigate as he uses it as a form of abuse.

    If any one has gone through this or is going through a similar situation I would love to hear feed back. I am at a loss as to what to do.

  • #2
    Hello,

    Welcome to the forum.

    Comment


    • #3
      why would he not let the two girls have the bed and he and the GF can sleep on the air bed?? I realize you said it was a high conflict situation but he needs to let it go and move on. All he is doing is making sure that his daughters will grow up hating him. For him to make remarks about you on a site he KNOWS his daughter would see is terrible.

      Forcing your daughter to see him is a tough one. She is at the age where she is figuring out her father and doesn't like what she sees. I would talk to her and see what her concerns are, then bring them up to him. If he isn't willing to work with her to address her concerns then kinda have to wonder why he would want her there and her feeling miserable.

      I am a firm believer in both parents should have equal access to the kids, but I also think that each parent has certain obligations to make sure that the kids feel loved and wanted when they are with the parent.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks for your response. I have had a long talk with my daughter several times over the past few months and I totally understand what her concerns are. They have been brought to his attention as well on several occasions by myself and my daughter. He just chooses not to respond to any of them. I wrote his lawyer as well and no response from him. It has become so clear to me and sadly my daughter as well that access and the relationship with my daughter is basically about him.A few weeks ago my daughter had asked him if she could stay home and not go to the visit as she was still very upset with his actions. His response was that HIS relationship with her was more important than how she felt. I don't get this. I agree that he truly needs to get over all this.

        As far as the sleeping arrangements, I think that they should sleep on the air bed and give the girls the room as well. I have addressed this as well and again no response.

        I also agree that parents should have equal access to their children but sadly in our situation that is not the case. There is a reason I have full custody. I have tried addressing my concerns to him, his lawyer and also through a mediator and my daughter has tried to talk to him as well. He just refuses to address the issue and feels by me having concerns I am alienating the children. It is a no win situation. If I voice a concern I am barraged with letters and motions etc. I literally have to walk on eggsells.

        As far as the facebook comments he made about me, he turned around and blamed my daughter that she saw this and told her not to involve herself with adult matters. He was angry at me that when he called my daughter, way past her bedtime, I told her it was too late to chat on the phone. Hence the comment about how rotten I am.

        My oldest is 13. At what point is she able to exercise her own decisions regarding the access? I have had conflicting advice on this situation from lawyers. She is a very smart and mature teen who is very easy to parent so I do not feel this is her attempting to rebel or stir the pot. My delemia is do I force her on the plane or not? I don't think it would be good for her mental health but I do not want to come accross as being in contempt as that is not my intent.

        At this time I am not interested in retaining a lawyer as through the years I have come to realize that their primary concern is getting paid, not what is best for my family. For those who have self represented their case, how difficult is it? What should be the next step? One last kick at the cat and contact his lawyer and prepare myself for the storm that comes with it? Any more advice is welcomed. Thanks!

        Comment


        • #5
          The situation sucks, no doubt about it. At 13, her wishes would be given some weight if he tried dragging you into court.

          At 16 even a court order cannot force her to go. (At 16 she can chose where she wishes to live herself, should she wish to leave your home and go elsewhere, you cannot stop her. Therefore she also can chose whether to go to Dad's place. That's only 3 years away, perhaps that might help the daughter get through the time with Dad?)

          Comment


          • #6
            mrsb, I feel your pain. My x was also abusive and has used the courts and our son to further abuse me. I totally relate to your hesitation to deal with this as I know it will mean even more stress for you dealing with the repercussions from him.

            Coming from an abusive relationship, I absolutely do not agree with equal parenting. Ideally, this would be great for all, but particularly in these situations, it just isn't what's best for the children.

            Legally, I can't give much advice as this particular problem isn't one I'm familiar with. However, I've heard that at 12 your daughter could voice her opinion on not visiting her Dad. I would also think that not having appropriate accomodations for 2 tweens would hold some weight in the judges decision.

            However, I also think that the girls will be better off together. It's possible that a judge could order the 10 yo to still visit without her sister which could be worse. Maybe you could use this angle with your 13 yo to convince her to go for at least the next scheduled visit? Lastly, can your daughter delete him as a friend on facebook? If he's not willing to take caution on what he writes maybe that's best.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks for your replies.

              Mominneed-My daughter promptly removed him from her friends list. I am hoping that her wishes will be heard. My daughter is one smart cookie and has saved all her emails and also printed off the nasty comments. I hope somebody will listen to her wishes. I am so sorry you also had to deal with being abused further. It seems some of the abusive partners out there know no bounds to their anger and need to control.

              NBDad-Hello from New Brunswick!! I know if this behaviour continues he can basically kiss off any relationship she might want to have with him when she reaches an age to choose on her own. I have tried to discuss this with her. I never prepared myself for what would happen in a situation like this. I will not physically make her go. I am at a loss.

              Sad thing is she is not asking for much. She just wants him to stop being negative and stop creating so much conflict that it seeps into her life. She should not have to deal with this.

              The youngest daughter has concerns and I do listen, but has a very different realtionship with her father than the older child. She was too young to remember what happened when we were married and is too young to understand what is going on now.

              Comment

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