Do not know which way to go...

[momforever1956]

The OP--is truly in need of direction as many of us are and to pick apart a post loses the purpose of the entire purpose of this forum. Our Personnal beliefs on x's unless it addresses the questions put forth are without merit.
Please let's stick to advice or share experiences instead of commenting on a post, I think it would be appropriate to just say ______ believes that x's (interfere or don;t interfere or should interfere or shouldnt interfere) has not been my experience and then get right back to the point of this forum---answer the question or suggest direction.

[arabian]

Thank you momforever1956. The OP sounds like she's at her wits ends and needs some encouragement.

No1bet: You will find hurdles along your way and not everyone will agree with what you decide to do. That's ok as no one walks in your shoes. I think you have received some good advice and a support group would certainly be a good starting off point for you. A quick call to some of the sorts of places that have been suggested certainly will do no harm and you might end up feeling rather empowered by the process. Good luck.

[blinkandimgone]

The OP--is truly in need of direction as many of us are and to pick apart a post loses the purpose of the entire purpose of this forum. Our Personnal beliefs on x's unless it addresses the questions put forth are without merit.
Please let's stick to advice or share experiences instead of commenting on a post, I think it would be appropriate to just say ______ believes that x's (interfere or don;t interfere or should interfere or shouldnt interfere) has not been my experience and then get right back to the point of this forum---answer the question or suggest direction.

Thank you for your input. I'm sure everyone will take it into consideration. In the meantime, we'll let everyone think for themselves.

[mcdreamy]

Good grief, typical response. Perhaps you should start a thread for Standing as well over in general chat, so she can continue her focus on arabian? I see you already have one over there dedicated to the ongoing drama between the hens. I'm starting to wonder about Jeff's choice of moderators.

No1Bet: If I were in your shoes, I would definitely go and get the puppy! I did many cycles of invitro, completely and drastically unsuccessful, and after my 3rd miscarriage I felt so alone and adrift. No one I knew at that time seemed to understand my feelings, my depression, I saw the cutest little bichon at a garden nursey.. she made me smile. I’ve also worked emotionally through that period of my life.. But 6 years later, this dog still makes me smile when she bounces, and offers me comfort every day. I’m so glad I went back and got her. They are a lot of work, though - include that into your equation of what your new life might look like.

Caveat: with your new allergies, you have tested to make sure you won’t be allergic to this dog, have you? I’d definitely check that out. Our bichons (I have 2 now) are supposedly non-shedding, hypoallergenic, but I’ve been told it’s not their hair, it’s their dander that causes issues to those who suffer from allergies. Research! You have to care for this animal for the rest of it's life - 12-18 years, depending on the breed. It is a huge commitment. Longer than most of the marriages of the posters on here!

[Tayken]

Reading your post....it struck me that your problem doesn't really seem to be the man you're married to...it seems to me that you're very lost in general. While there's no doubt that your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk, per your description, its got to be hard to be married to someone who has such poor self-identity.

I think if you get to the point that you need a dog to help you find yourself, you have bigger issues than just your marriage.

My opinion is that you need to seek some counselling to work through your lingering grief and other problems so that you can become functional and independent.

Have you considered maybe doing some empowering things like applying for some classes (with financial aid) or looking for part time work?

If you're not ready for counselling, maybe get into some groups so you can talk through your thoughts?

It does sound like you're having some marital issues but i would guess that even if you leave the marriage, you're still going to have problems if you don't get some help. Do you need a divorce? Maybe but I think you need other things first....and a dog definitely isn't one of them. You can't blame your husband for not knowing who you are when you don't even know who you are. I see a woman who's looking at her husband to "fix" her financial and emotional needs and that's not really what a man...or marriage...is about.

Peace is found from within.

Excellent advice. There are many services available to assist you at a time like this. My first advice would be to talk to your family practitioner (doctor) and if they are part of a family health team they have a social worker on staff. They can make a referral to the social worker or a psychiatrist who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

PH has given some very sage advice and I highly recommend you consider her words. The medical system is there to help you and seeking help is not something you should be worried about. It can help you find the "peace within" yourself.

Good Luck and take care!
Tayken

[momforever1956]

Mcdreamy----Thanks, your post addresses exactly what I meant, it gives a perception and experience to the OP for her to consider. It's truly nice to see a mature response, and something the OP can think about, honest, direct and sincere.

[Pursuinghappiness]

They are a lot of work, though - include that into your equation of what your new life might look like

New dogs need constant care but I would also add that they're extremely expensive to take care of...

The OP complained of financial worries and in my area there was recently an article in the paper about people having to give up their animals because of the economy.

Plus, since she's not separated, she'll be using joint funds to purchase the dog which will mean that in the event of a divorce, he may have a claim to the dog. My opinion is that she should wait.

p.s. Thank you Tayken

[arabian]

you really thing the OP was asking for advice on whether or not to get a dog.

F****uck. I'm so done on this thread.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Are you talking to me Arabian?

If so, see my original post...cause no I don't think its about a dog. I was actually responding to what McDreamy advised.

However, I can tell you from people I've known who've had the emotional trauma of losing a dog...either through divorce or death...it can be as extreme for some people as losing a kid. I don't think, given the OP's issues, she needs to complicate her situation any further. And since she's talking about picking up the dog soon, I'd say it was relevant. I think taking on a pet and being responsible for more than one life is a big deal...whether or not you agree.

[Rioe]

Of course it's not all about the dog. That's just the only aspect of her situation we can easily advise her on. The rest is therapy.

My point of view that getting the dog is a big mistake still stands, for all the points made above, and more.

I think it's akin to having a child to try to save a failing marriage. Seeking out a new life that will love her unconditionally as a substitute for the man who isn't. Wrong on all levels.

Plus, the dog could be used as a weapon against her. She's already said her husband is controlling. It's easy for the situtation to jump to "Do X like I said or I do Y to the dog."

I get the vague undercurrent that she was hoping to use walking the dog as an excuse to get out of the house. There are lots of other ways to do that.

[Tayken]

Of course it's not all about the dog. That's just the only aspect of her situation we can easily advise her on. The rest is therapy.

My point of view that getting the dog is a big mistake still stands, for all the points made above, and more.

I agree. Trying to objectify the potential missing love in the relationship on a new pet will only make things worse. It is a common behaviour pattern for people in an emotional situation like this.

Although the unconditional love from a pet is wonderful, it doesn't circumvent what the reason the pet was purchased for...

I think it's akin to having a child to try to save a failing marriage. Seeking out a new life that will love her unconditionally as a substitute for the man who isn't. Wrong on all levels.

I agree. A pet is not going to solve any problems in the long term and in fact, it can make things worse as pointed out by other posters. If one can't address their own emotional and personal needs how can they care for a dependent pet?

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Pursuinghappiness]

I agree. Trying to objectify the potential missing love in the relationship on a new pet will only make things worse. It is a common behaviour pattern for people in an emotional situation like this.

I don't know why Arabian jumped down my throat. I think the OP's deflection is extremely important.

Its very similar to a woman who decides to have a child to save her marriage. The reason its so relevant are all the ones given earlier PLUS it acts as a distraction.

The OP will get a dog...divert attention and time there instead of getting help for her issues...the dog will temporarily mask the symtoms and the problems....and things will get worse and then she'll have the additional worry of losing her dog in the divorce.

People often use distractions to avoid having to deal with problems in their life and it often causes even bigger problems and wastes a lot of valuable time. Its also extremely unfair to the pet.