Hi there, newbie from Northern Ontario

[Pursuinghappiness]

I haven't had the experience of a new partner getting in the middle of my divorce proceedings...dealing with my ex is bad enough...but its pretty easy to understand how intrusive and annoying that would be.

Again, longterm...I can imagine it would cause serious and probably irreparable long-term damage in the relationship between adults and children, if they're involved.

Personally, I supported my new partner through his divorce emotionally (it was a fairly quick one) but I would have never gotten involved in the legal particulars. As much as I trust and believe the things he says...I also know marriage is a matter of perspective and there's always two sides. I respected his children and her as the mother of those children and would never do anything to antagonize her. His divorce is really none of my business aside from my post relationship with him and his children.

As to this:

Women are nurturers and fixers. We offer empathy, advice and ultimately action what we feel we can fix or help to fix as we tend to have an innate need to ensure everyone is taken care of.

It has little to do with being nosy or controlling, it's an inborn need to take care of those we care about. Not to say that men don't care, they just handle it differently.

Very well said and very true.

I think the issue is that people think divorce is the "end"....when in reality, if you have young children, its just the start of a different ongoing relationship. And when you involve a new partner this way...I'm sure it makes that on-going relationship expontentially more difficult for everyone involved.

[blinkandimgone]

Good point, however, "fixing" tends to turn to "manipulating and controlling" in my experience with my ex's girlfriend.

That would be a different type of psychological issue altogether.

If my ex would have left his girlfriend out of things from the start we both would have saved piles of money in legal fees. She gave him horrible advice and arranged terrible lawyers for him. I have actually felt sorry for him at times. My ex is a hard-working man and she gets him to try to have the spousal support overturned every year. This last episode took over 9 months and my ex is going to be faced with over 10,000.00 in my legal bills just for this last stupid legal thing. His girlfriend hasn't worked a day in her life and certainly isn't going to pay for it. What an incredible waste.

This is the real issue. Not necessarily the ex pushing to be involved. I suspect many don't but are asked to, expected to and feel obligated to if the ex isn't doing what needs to be done or just isn't capable of it. It can be easier for someone slightly more removed to handle the business side of things when the tired emotional side isn't there. But ultimately, it is up to the EX to decide whether or not to involve the new partner and I would suggest the blame for over-involved new partners lays more with the ex than with the partner.

[arabian]

Pursuinghappiness - you are right on the money. I wish others would brain up and realize how destructive their well-intended involvement in their partner's divorce can be. It is one thing to go through a divorce but another thing to have the tag-team (ex and new partner) coming at you. All it does it fire things up to another level.

[arabian]

Blink - you are also right on the money. The blame does ultimately lie with the ex. In my case my ex turned out to be a dickless wonder who hides behind the skirts of his gf and older sister.

[mumster1964]

Blink: true - it's about more than just divorce. But it is predominantly related to divorce.

Mumster: Go F yourself. Thank you and have a lovely day.

thanks for proving the point..........

[Tayken]

Nope, not from Ottawa, hope that's OK!

I've been married to my husband for 2.5 years now, and it's been challenging to say the least. 90% of our issues stem from his ex and the ongoing nonsense concerning her and her trying to make his life a living hell. It's been very trying to say the least, but I tell myself to stick it out as best I can... partly because I was married once before and so I'm more committed to making things work this time. I'd hate to get divorced because of outside influences, and not because we actually can't stand each other, you know?

Anyways, I'm here for advice and maybe even to give a little if I can, as I successfully beat the ex's lawyer on 3 different occasions now in court (although unfortunately she's now hired a new lawyer who ISN'T a loser LOL ).

Glad to be here, thanks for having me!

Hi Goosie77,

Welcome. One of the challenges you face, and have already faced, is that a lot of the contributors on this site are people who have to deal with "high conflict people in legal disputes" (search "William Eddy" and "High Conflict" on good).

Often, there is a feeling-out of people to see are they the problem resolver or the problem creator in the matter.

As identified by PH who, if you read's threads, is a very observant responder and poster, the key elements of what drive conflict in family disputes before the courts.

Don't take too much offence to the comments and onslaught of questioning. In fact, if you look at it from the perspective of how questioning and cross examination would be conducted before the court it is really a great "trial run" at what could happen on discovery or cross examination.

As noted by another highly regarded member there are a few issues that will draw "cross examination" quite intensely.

1. A partner who is involved in the family dispute.
2. Unrealistic expectations of spousal support.
3. Unrealistic expectations of what defines "co-parenting"/"shared parenting"/"parallel parenting".
4. Confusion between "custody" and "access" by "new" posters.
5. Over anxious parents who bring irrelivant issues to the board looking for negative advocates to "jump on the wagon" and support their projections of blame.

"Details" which in legal lingo would be "particulars" are a key element to getting support for the community here as a whole. When you don't provide them then, you will find yourself under intense cross examination by the contributors generally.

In fact, there are posters on this site that are in my personal opinion more qualified than most "family law lawyers" as "barristers" (litigation lawyers). Don't get me wrong there are some excellent "solicitor" focused contributors too.

The most important thing that anyone coming to this site needs to realize is that the contributors are great at picking apart arguments and in particular there are a few who are experts with cogency of arguments. If you state something once, there is a collective memory and when the story changes, it will be identified to you that the story has changed.

Honesty, is the best policy on this site and especially in testimony before the courts.

(Not saying you are dishonest but, that you can expect the folks here to hold you to the fire on every topic.)

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Tayken]

I think the issue is that people think divorce is the "end"....when in reality, if you have young children, its just the start of a different ongoing relationship. And when you involve a new partner this way...I'm sure it makes that on-going relationship expontentially more difficult for everyone involved.

Many parents don't realize that separation and divorce ends the relationship between the adults but, not the responsibility of the parents to the children. Basically, after everything is said and done, no matter how much you don't want it to be true... The bond of family (mother, father, children in any mix of the three) still continues. You are still "family" even after divorce.

[cbarker78]

You are still "family" even after divorce.

That line struck me as funny!!! In a ha-ha kind of way.... only because those were the exact words I kept telling my stbx as we were starting the separation process!! LOL!! He kept trying to goad me into a verbal argument, and I would not take the bait.... I was very calm through the whole thing, kept telling him that just because I was leaving and would be starting divorce proceedings, that we had to find some way to be civil with each other as we would always be a part of each other's lives..... I kept telling him that we are still mom and dad to our girls, and that for them the only thing changing is the house we sleep in at night..... It took some time, as he dealt with the emotional "grieving" of the marriage coming to an end, but today things are much better. We are able to talk to each other like old friends, we keep each other up to date about what's going on, and we're able to be in each other's company without shooting dirty looks at one another. Our girls know that mom and dad are still a united front - even though we do not live together any more...

[mom2three]

Welcome Goosie! I feel compelled to defend you, being a Northern Ontario hick myself. People here noticed you were not forthcoming with info and you clearly explained why. But in your defence, people who don't live in the boondocks can't quite comprehend our innate need to keep "details" to ourselves. Yes, we know it's an anonymous forum. But, um, up here I can drive 4 hours to a different town and within minutes someone will stop and chat and make a comment anout what I was up to the weekend before......seriously people......short of locking yourself in your house, around our neck of the woods, everyone knows everybody's business; I honestly think the root of facebook was here in Northern Ontario lol!

All kidding aside, nice to have you on board. Hell, at the rate I am going I might not be ableto afford a lawyer much longer - wanna take on the case?