Personal property not yet picked up...

[mona_c]

I sent a letter to my ex in March, giving a month for him to come and collect his personal belongings. Clothing, books, etc. No response.

I sent a second letter in April, giving until May 18th to make the arrangements with a two week grace to actually come and get his things. That would give him until June 1st.

He tried to commit suicide April 17th. He's still in hospital and I am now dealing with his family over all of this. At first, I was told that they would come and get it. I specified that I am willing to be reasonable, but realistically, his stuff needs to get out of here.

Today I am told by his brother that they are trying to come up with the money to hire a mover ($300) as well as rent a storage facility (price unknown) and that they could get his things "maybe by the end of June".

I know they are expecting me to cave in and just keep holding his stuff here. But realistically, I need the space that this pile of boxes is taking up. There is no furniture other then a stand that he came into the relationship with. The furniture, I feel, should be dealt with through the divorce process. So if it wasn't his at the start, it's going to stay here until everything is straightened out. What is out there is clothing, books and other personal belongings and mementos that I want no part of.

I want to be fair and give them the chance, but at the same time, I do feel I've already covered the concept of "fair" in this. Especially when paired with the fact that his mother has now tried to involve the police twice over a period of two weeks regarding all of this. She was told it isn't a police matter at this point and nothing else has come of that since.

It would be nice if there was a clear-cut law about this sort of thing, but as far as I can tell, there isn't.

Any thoughts?

Mona

[standing on the sidelines]

i would be very cautious about this now. If you get rid of the stuff because his family will not pick it up he could use the defense that he did not give his family the legal authority to act on his behalf.

As for his mother involving the police, I am surprised they did not say to her to take the stuff that is not in question. You would think that they would see that was the best way to deal with things and stop the conflict.

I know that his attempting suicide is not your problem but it seems like the man has some mental health issues. I take it that the stuff has some personal momentoes that have special meaning to him? It would be a shame to kick a man when he is down and throw out stuff that he may want or need. Yes you can use the reason that you have given him enough chances but it also seems like he hasn't been well mentally for a bit. Is there anyway that you can deliver the stuff to his mothers place. I realize that it may cost you some money but keep the receipts and maybe you can get the money back in the divorce. U haul has resonable rates and maybe you could hire a couple of students for a few hours (?) to load and unload the stuff for you.

You have been fair to him but considering his fragile state maybe you could just hold on to the stuff for a while longer?? I take it the home is where you both lived so his stuff was there before, just not packed in boxes, so it is not like it is taking up any extra space. You have taken the high road in this so far so maybe just a little extra time for him is not too much to ask??

[mona_c]

It's because of possible legal action that although I want (and need) these things out of here, I am being cautious, paritcularly now. He is not allowed to have contact with me and is supposed to go through CAS to see the children, so although I can (and have) sent him letters about picking up his stuff, he would have to go through a third party to respond. He made no move at all to reply to anything I have sent in regards to his belongings.

With his mother phoning the police..all I know is that she tried to have them step in to prevent me from getting rid of his stuff. The fact is that she was making an assumption and panicked...she had just gotten the letter stating that they had until May 18th with the two week grace period to actually pick his stuff up. She thought it meant I was getting rid of it right then and there. *shakes head* Two days later, she phoned again. I don't know why, other then the fact that it was about his belongings. That was when she was told it was not a police matter.

Mental health issues...yes. We were together for over a decade and he kept telling me that he couldn't/wouldn't live without me, that he'd kill himself if we had a fight and he left or that he'd kill himself if we broke up, etc. In 98, he did attempt suicide. I took him back in..shouldn't have, but did.

I don't want to kick him while he's down, but at the same time, I do need these things out. My boyfriend is living with me and the children, which takes room as well as the fact that seeing his things every day causes issues for not only myself, but my children as well. It constantly reminds them of him, which brings up that he made no effort to have any contact with them at all, even though he was given an avenue to do so. I had considered shipping it all, but that is more then what is affordable and with him being an ODSP recipient (Ontario Disability), I know that I will never see any money back from it. I just sent a box today with some clothing, his glasses and his dentures..that alone cost me 14 dollars and weighed just over 6 kg. A good portion of the boxes are heavier then that. His mother is, quite frankly, a packrat..paths through mounds of stuff, etc. She has no room to store his belongings and his brother has made no move to offer storage room.

As for delivering it all..I had considered it. But chose not too because his mother has been verbally and physically abusive to me in the past and I do not want to take the risk that this may happen again. I have enough to deal with as it is without adding more to it.

Mona

[standing on the sidelines]

is there anyway you can work with the police and have them escort you to his mothers place with the stuff? That way they can be a witness that the stuff was dropped off in good condition and she received it. I am hoping that may be an option for you.

[mona_c]

is there anyway you can work with the police and have them escort you to his mothers place with the stuff? That way they can be a witness that the stuff was dropped off in good condition and she received it. I am hoping that may be an option for you.

*smiles* Hello again!

Yes, it is an option. However, given her own habits, I know that she would refuse to take any of it. As I said, she is a packrat..I have pictures to prove it. So she literally does not have the room in her apartment for his things.

If his brother had given a concrete time frame to work with, it wouldn't bother me half as much, except at the extra waiting time. But being told "maybe by the end of June" just isn't good enough. Trying to get a straight answer is like trying to herd cats with this family...utterly frustrating and ultimately useless.

I am currently waiting for a call back from the investigating officer that has been involved from day 1. He is trying to get in touch with my ex's mother about all of this, but she is not answering her phone or returning phone calls.

Mona

[standing on the sidelines]

boy his mother seems to have some big mental health issues also. Hopefully the investigating officer can get his family to see the light and pick up the stuff. This really puts you in a no win situation.

[mona_c]

His mother..issues is a good word for it. Knowing her the way I do, I understand her need to have her clutter. Don't mistake me..there is no garbage or anything that causes health issues..just..well..stuff. Clothing, etc. She knows she has a problem but chooses to do nothing about it.

The officer has been trying for over a week just to get in touch with her..it is frustrating. I spoke with him yesterday and I wished him luck. No one has been able to get her on the phone.

[privateone]

If it were me, and being mindful of the issues at hand, I'd move his stuff, and pay one month at a storage place near X's family, and send the contact info, and lock key in an envelope couriered to the brother. I realize this is your expense, but it takes care of giving you your space, and is respectful to a person and his family while they deal and help him move on.

[mona_c]

I phoned a storage place and it turns out that once I sign a contract, even if I give it and the key to his family, I am still held responsible for payments. Knowing how that works with them, I refuse to go that way.

However, now that push has come to shove and I made it clear that waiting until "maybe at the end of June" isn't good enough, his brother got angry and aside from calling me some choice names, has given me the date of May 28th to come out. Of course, he is going to go to the OPP to have an officer here "so you don't cause trouble with me or the movers" (meaning me). *sighs* I'm already in touch with them to keep the invesitgating officer apprised of what is happening, as was requested. So that will be a moot point for my brother-in-law.

Now it's just to confirm a time so that my kids will be at my mothers, an officer will be here and that part will be finished.

Mona

[standing on the sidelines]

finally some light at the end of the tunnel for you. Kudos for you for taking the high road in all this, later on it may help you to show at what lengths you went to make sure he got his stuff.