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  • Parallel Parenting

    I recently spoke with our OCL assessor and she said she is leaning towards a Parallel Parenting Custody arrangement she thinks could work. Of course I googled it, and understand the concept, but was hoping to get some insight from the members here. Does anyone have this arrangement, whats the good and bad???

    I did use the search feature here, but didn't come up with much, is this not something a Judge orders often or OCL recommends?

  • #2
    https://www.ottawadivorce.com/parallelparenting/

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    • #3
      Thanks Blink! I am hoping a member who has this type of custody can chime in and let me know how it works in "real life".

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      • #4
        Parallel parenting is a style of parenting after separation where there is minimal interaction between the parents. As long as there is a clear & comprehensive court order in place and both parties are complying with that order, parallel parenting provides minimal opportunities for conflict and everything is cool. I would say that I use this style of parenting and my kids are thriving; so far so good anyways.

        Last year my daughter had a snow tubing playdate with a separated couple that took their kids to the mountain in the same SUV. That couple is not in the court system and to my knowledge they don't have any court orders in place. Honestly I can't even tell they are separated. That kind of parenting after separation is not parallel parenting; it is at the other end of the spectrum. This is seemingly a better parenting style, but there is a downside: if things are so great, there is no place to go but down. Should things sour between the parents, the opportunities for conflict are more abundant and there is a bigger potential drop in happiness for the kids.

        In a parallel parenting situation, inter-parental relations are already pretty close to rock bottom. The kids have low expectations and there is no place to go but up. This is a good thing. Stress is associated with changes in one's situation. The advantage of parallel parenting is that it doesn't rely on the other parent's cooperation aside from complying with the court order, so it is stable; unlikely to change.

        Child transfers:
        - Transfers at school: these work best for parallel parenting.
        - Curb-side drop-offs work well.
        - For curb-side pickups, in practice you have to announce your presence somehow. Even me & my ex would pick up the kids at the door. I would not call her and hang up; that is weird.
        - Walking right up to the ex's door and ringing the bell: this is not a very parallel-parenting kind of thing to do.

        Communication style:
        - By email.
        - Rants & stupidity ignored unless it bears a court stamp.
        - Note that you are not supposed to communicate through your child. (But to some extent it happens anyways.)

        Suitable for:
        An introverted personality, which I would say I have, is an asset for pulling off parallel parenting.

        Parallel parenting is not a type of custody that a judge orders; the ottawadivorce.com website is incorrect to suggest that. A judge won't order "parallel parenting" per se. He or she may however make orders that facilitate parallel parenting; e.g., an order that all communication be via email or that the bulk of the transfers occur at school. Finally, as blink recently pointed out, you cannot order someone to parent.

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        • #5
          Thanks so much Goolguy41 for your input!!! We are definitely not the parents that could be in the same SUV for the sake of our children. I do think this parallel parenting could work for us.

          So far, most drop off's are done at daycare/bus stops with the exception of Sunday nights. Unfortunately curb side drop offs don't work for us, as we have a "runner" (an Autistic term, for a child that needs a hand to hand drop off, or they could simply run into traffic).

          Email communication is not working, we both are at fault for that. We do not communicate through the children though.

          Do you think if the OCL recommends it, a Judge would take note? Access has been decided, we are just stuck on "Custody".

          Again, thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated. I am doing much of this on my own without spending a fortune on legal advice.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by kate331 View Post
            So far, most drop off's are done at daycare/bus stops with the exception of Sunday nights.
            Can that be changed? Make it Monday after school/daycare.

            Unfortunately curb side drop offs don't work for us, as we have a "runner" (an Autistic term, for a child that needs a hand to hand drop off, or they could simply run into traffic).
            Meet at the local Starbucks. Kid can't run into traffic. The parent who shows up early can have a Venti something while they wait. Everyone wins.

            Email communication is not working, we both are at fault for that. We do not communicate through the children though.
            How does it not work? You send emails, and you ignore anything that is not sent by email. Alternatively, any time a text is sent, you copy it verbatim in your reply email.

            Dear ex,

            In your last text message, sent at 5:53pm on Thursday Jan 31st, you said "I would eat a pus-filled bag of petrified testicles rather than meet you at Starbucks". Unfortunately, our other drop off arrangements are not working. Please propose a reasonable alternative. I look forward to your message.

            Sincerely, moi.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by kate331 View Post
              Do you think if the OCL recommends it, a Judge would take note? Access has been decided, we are just stuck on "Custody".
              This is an Ontario-specific question better addressed by someone else. Where I'm from there is no such thing as the OCL.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Janus View Post
                Can that be changed? Make it Monday after school/daycare. [/I]
                Unfortunately not, my ex wont budge on the access. In my dreams, I would have 2 extra mornings a month where I get myself to work kid free, or sleep in if it was a Holiday Monday.

                Thanks for your input, much appreciated.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                  Do you think if the OCL recommends it, a Judge would take note? Access has been decided, we are just stuck on "Custody".
                  .
                  It usually depends on the judge and how the report is written. In my area the judges take OCL report as 'gospel'.

                  I would be wary of discussing things with the assessor, especially before the report is submitted. This might discredit the assessor and the report.

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                  • #10
                    Thanks Asphenaz!

                    I've read so many horror stories about OCL on here. And our Legal guru Tayken, doesnt seem too like them either. I am looking for solutions and this assessor seems to have some, so I am all ears. She welcomes input from either parent whenever we feel its relevant and gives her feedback. For example Parallel Parenting which to be honest, I have never thought of.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Asphenaz View Post

                      I would be wary of discussing things with the assessor, especially before the report is submitted. This might discredit the assessor and the report.
                      I was wondering about this too...why is she discussing this with you? I'd be wary of any appearance of bias if you want her report to hold up.

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                      • #12
                        I dont have a formal parallel parenting arrangement, there is nothing about that in our separation agreement. the agreement pretty much just outlines the bare minimum of custody and access, no detail on approach to parenting. But I would say it is pretty close to what we do. all communication is through email or text. It would be very rare to have any face to face communication. I try but ex's goal is to speak to me as little as possible, so beyond a curt "hi" only if I initiate it, there is no face to face communication.

                        We each do out own thing parenting wise in our own homes. kids are also older so if bedtimes are not the Same it is not as impactful. I am the primary parent and deal with most school stuff. I keep ex in the loop via email on medical appointments or dentist visit and stuff like that.

                        You said access was ironed out and it was just custody. for me, it is joint custody. Do you have concerns with the child special needs that ex wont agree to treatment or wont be involved?

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                        • #13
                          Thanks for your input Denbigh, I hope to end up with a very detailed agreement as in a parenting plan. Both kids strive on a Military like tight schedule. Routine and structure are key to having a good day. We are working with an Agency right now that is helping us try and mirror both home routines.

                          We now by default have Joint Custody, and for me its not working. I'll take school for example, starting now plans are being put in place for next years placement (child doesnt attend our home school) this consists of numerous phone calls, emails, meetings, updating IEP, assessments etc. My ex finds this overwhelming. He will attend the final placement meeting, but then half the meeting is wasted catching him up to speed because he hasnt participated in the lead up and imo is ill-informed. Then there is always bussing issues, as the child is on a ride only, outsourced by the School Board to a private company that not always reliable. Then there are the constant phone calls from the school. I too find it time consuming and frustrating at times, but as a parent you need to be an advocate for your child. If my ex would be willing to take this on, it would be a huge relief for me, the time off work is also a problem, as school meeting are always during my working hours.

                          I would also grateful if my ex took on medical, and got the children to the dentist and doctors appointment therapies etc. This is one area I need clarification on because I feel their medical and education needs are sometimes intertwined together. For example is ABA therapy (for Autism) medical or educational? Is a psycho-educational assessment done by a Dr. medical or education?

                          It has been made clear to me, my ex is not willing at this time to take on anymore assess than his 6 days a month. Although he is now willing to split some of the school holidays.

                          Iona, I agree our assessor isnt doing it by the book, as she encourages us to contact her when conflict arises and some of her suggestion are working, so I'm not complaining. Isnt it their goal to recommend solutions in the best interest of the child? I know 2 parents on this forum that I have chatted with on PM's and they are on pins and needles waiting their reports. With us we get to know some of her recommendations/thoughts ahead of time to digest it and see how it would work before the final report, which I understand can still change. I think my mind would have been spinning at a disclosure meeting re a parallel parenting plan because I know little about it. Now that I am educating myself, I believe I am in a better position to agree to it or not.

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