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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #31  
Old 02-18-2015, 09:37 AM
Helpless Helpless is offline
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Umm... you are the one who brought up child protection? Yet another post where the story changes as the posts go on. You don't like any of the advice or opinions you are getting if they don't mesh with what you think. So why not just go talk to a lawyer instead of coming to an online forum and getting defensive when people don't agree with you?
You keep talking about CAS files being closed....that means NO protection issues, CAS only deals with the protection of a child and will only involve themselves if a child is being abused in any way, even then, that will not mean that they will take a child away or change a custody order they will work with the family....I KNOW my child is in no need of protection, so why are you yakking about CAS when I never mentioned it to begin with.

I'm sorry but you're miss reading my postings and the story hasn't changed one bit, I'm worried about the pitbulls and the drugs/drug activities my child is possibly witnessing and the environment he lives in half the time, these are simply valid concerns I have, as a parent.

As for the advice and opinions of others, I came here with questions and got many helpful tips, yours was the saddest, rambling on about your dog....so I beg you please to stop your half-witted assumptions, maybe you need a muzzle too!
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  #32  
Old 02-18-2015, 09:51 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Originally Posted by Helpless View Post
As for the Children's Aid involvement, there have been numerous calls to such organizations (not by me or my family, I'm guessing from the community), in regards to S5's well being at his father's. Files have always been closed (thank heavens) because ex does not abuse S5 in any way and S5 primary needs, food,clothing,shelter are met (and there was never a doubt about that).
Actually you were the first to mention CAS at the start of this tread. Maybe you need to reread what you have posted. Again, very defensive you are. Have a great day!
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  #33  
Old 02-18-2015, 10:03 AM
Helpless Helpless is offline
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Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
It's easy, the kid would pee in a cup the same way he would for his regular checkups at the doctors.

On the tattoos, my kids didn't grow up in a tattoo shop and regularly had a blast covering themselves in stick on tattoos, especially in the summers when the dollar store carried the giant full back sized ones. It's just something they do whether they have parents who are tattooed or not, or work in a tattoo parlor or not. If your kid came home with a real tattoo or the promise of one from dad, then you should be concerned.

If you are so concerned about the living situation then you have an obligation to call Children's Aid.
Here as the first mention of CAS...Have a pleasant day
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  #34  
Old 02-18-2015, 10:11 AM
FightingForFamily FightingForFamily is offline
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Your ex doesn't sound like the best person and I'm sure he has baggage and issues. But you chose him to be the Father of your child and he has the right to do what he wants with that responsibility as long as it's not dangerous to the child.

Let's be honest...

Your son is the child of a recovering drug addict and a pot smoking, dog owning tattoo artist. Now he's now a child of divorce without the security of an intact family.

Which person in this situation is he supposed to look to for a role model to help him not be like you both?

Hopefully the two of you can put enough good values, happy memories and feelings of secure attachment into him so that he can do better than both of you when he is older and make better decisions.

On the up side, if he's like most teenagers he'll hate and rebel against nearly everything you two based your life on and do the opposite. Maybe he'll be a super nerdy engineer to spite you both.

On the down side, neither of you have given him the best chances at a "successful life" (whatever that means).
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  #35  
Old 02-18-2015, 10:58 AM
OntarioMomma OntarioMomma is offline
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Originally Posted by FightingForFamily View Post
Your ex doesn't sound like the best person and I'm sure he has baggage and issues. But you chose him to be the Father of your child and he has the right to do what he wants with that responsibility as long as it's not dangerous to the child.

Let's be honest...

Your son is the child of a recovering drug addict and a pot smoking, dog owning tattoo artist. Now he's now a child of divorce without the security of an intact family.

Which person in this situation is he supposed to look to for a role model to help him not be like you both?

Hopefully the two of you can put enough good values, happy memories and feelings of secure attachment into him so that he can do better than both of you when he is older and make better decisions.

On the up side, if he's like most teenagers he'll hate and rebel against nearly everything you two based your life on and do the opposite. Maybe he'll be a super nerdy engineer to spite you both.

On the down side, neither of you have given him the best chances at a "successful life" (whatever that means).
I disagree here, if what OP says is true, she is a recovering addict. It does sound like she's trying to give her son the best chance at a "successful life".

Helpless - trust me, I know how you feel. I sadly have experience with a less than stellar other parent, lots of issues similar to yours.

But based on the issues you have put forth, your son isn't in any real danger. He only has a crappy parent. Other than talking with your ex, reminding him of what is in the court order, there's nothing you can do. (And if he's anything like mine, he won't listen and you'll waste your breath). You can't make him a better person.

Focus on your week with your child and continuing to be the best parent you can be to your son. Spend quality time with him, show him love and support, give him the best chance you can.
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  #36  
Old 02-18-2015, 11:25 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Default Venting...When will enough be enough?

Can we just take a step back here? Helpless came here to a) vent and b) ask what she might do. It was primarily a vent but also a question of how to manage the situation. If she hadnt asked what people would do in the same situation she probably wouldnt have been attacked as a former addict. Did she ask the wrong question? Perhaps. That doesnt mean she should be attacked.

Lets be honest here, any issues with kids is a safety/child protection issue regardless of whether CAS or the police are involved. Everyone signs agreements with good intentions and hopes for the best. We all wouldnt be here if those agreements were adhered to. In this case A JUDGE told her ex to not smoke pot around the child. To me this is not a child protection issue but rather an issue with adhering to an order of a judge. Being able to smell it is one thing. Finding it in kids urine is another. Pot is registered via second hand smoke and a medical expert can determine exposure based on levels picked up in tests.

We dont always agree on this forum and thats what makes it good--different opinions mean different ways of seeing situations. Sure posting here opens us all up to ridicule, criticism and scorn but just like the good intentions of signing an agreement, we also hope for the best.

Maybe instead of attacking people for their choices or mistakes made in the past that we're trying to live with/rectify, we could have just a little compassion and understanding?
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  #37  
Old 02-18-2015, 12:56 PM
Helpless Helpless is offline
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WOW, my deepest thanks for these compassionate posts.

I'm in no way a perfect parent. But I've done my darn best to love, nurture and teach my son because as a parent that's what your job is, and it's a 24 hrs/7days a week thing, not a 50% of the time thing.

Yes I was a drug addict, today, I'm educated in Social Sciences, Social work and Rehabilitation Services and Penal Justice. I'm fortunate! I've worked hard, going back to school, did two college programs at the same time and in those days, I was a single parent. I have a great career and I'm so proud of these accomplishments. I do think that these accomplishments overides my past usage and mistakes, and proud to say that S5 has never been a witness to my crazy past life.

Going back to my first question, when will enough be enough...
I've been separated for FOUR years, I've been lenient in court and I fully understand that my separation/custody agreement has many clauses that were added to "protect" our son from potential damaging lifestyles. To put you in context,
-S5 is not to spend more than 30min in father's tattoo shop per day. Because ex's livelihood revolves around the tattoo shop and ex's spouse has her barbershop within the tattoo parlor, ex brought up the fact that S5 HAD TO go into this shop to get a haircut. (This clause is new, 2014, and was added because ex boasted about tattooing gang members, and keeping S5 there for hours while he tattooed clients).
-The dogs are never to be around S5 (this clause is from 2011)
-Ex is to refrain from using any type of illicit drugs while S5 is in his care (this clause is from 2011)

The fact that the dogs were there on Monday, ex acknowledge it, and I'm assuming they had been there all week while S5 was in ex's care... I still question four years of ex's decisions and complete disregard for the legal agreement he's signed, and same goes for the drugs. I forgot to mention that ex's spouse also is a smoker, so I can understand the smell and state of the home, two smokers in a 1000 sq ft apartment will obviously stick up a place...I question that if he can disregard his agreement so freely and without concerns that, put plainly, I would LOOSE IT, he most likely does the same with his drug consumption....He seems to just not give a crap, and it hurts to see a child, your child in such a predicament and in which he's innocent to his father's behaviours now and hopefully for a long time. I do my best so he doesn't feel the ripples of our failed and troublesome relationship. But four years should have given ex ample time to grow up, in my opinion...

I feel like I'll be standing on the sidelines for years until something really wrong comes up...I feel helpless, and that is never a good feeling to have as a parent.
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  #38  
Old 02-18-2015, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Helpless View Post
Here goes nothing...

Yesterday was family day. S5 was in father's care last week and because our exchange is usually done Mondays through the school am & pm buses, this could not be done and I needed to pick up S5 at his father's home because of the holiday.

Ex sent me a txt asking that I call before picking up S5 so that he can bring him down to me. Ex lives in an apartment type house, upper level, with an outside staircase. My spouse and I were gone all day skating on the canal and I forgot my mobile at home. We had decided to go straight from activity to picking up S5, so I never saw the said txt message from ex.

Oh the door I wished I had never opened!!

When I got to the apartment, I rang the doorbell, I heard dogs barking through the side window that I could clearly see. Now, putting you in context, my ex has two pitbulls who have been known to be quite aggressive (have attacked and killed cats and attacked neighbors) and it was determined through court that the dogs should never be around our S5 at time of separation agreement proceedings, ex was shamed by judge, told that he should man up and get rid of the dogs.

While S5 was getting dressed and his father was getting his things together, the dogs would not stop barking. I asked plainly if his dogs were here to which he acknowledged they were with a simple "yeah" looking towards the floor.

I had never been to his home, this was an eye opener. The apartment was dirty and had the distinct smell of weed. Ex has been a smoker for years, to which was the basis of many of our relationship problems and arguments. He is very proactive in the whole weed consumption/will solve worldly problems bit... Even goes so far as to tell his clients that he needs to be high in order to perform his job, he's a tattoo shop owner/artist. We were ordered by the courts to attend post separation counseling and this issue was brought to the table, I discussed that I did not want our child to grow up in this type of addiction/lifestyle and he plainly did not care, told me in front of the therapist that he smokes when it pleases him. Throughout the four years that we've been separated, he's been visited by child services and has told them that he only smokes when our son is sleeping and thus even with our agreement stating that he will not consume/be under the influence of drugs while our son is in his care.

Still in shock, I packed up S5 and left to head to my parent's for dinner. At my parent's place, S5 started undressing from winter gear and he had multiple temporary tattoos on him. S5 then proudly showed us his collection, 29 tattoos to be correct. His arms, stomach, chest, back and neck are covered in skulls, guns, ninja turtles, flowers, dragons...This had happened previously and was discussed in post separation therapy and the therapist had come down on him and explained what "projection" was and how it could harm S5. It is also to be said that as of January, changes in our agreement were restricting ex to the exposure of S5 to ex's tattoo shop, no more than 30min/per day. I understand that this is ex's way of life but added the clause because people in our community had stated that our S5 was kept hours at a time in the shop, playing video games, running around, while ex tattoed clients.

Now last night, after S5 was sleeping, I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried for many hours. Thinking about what my son is being taught, what he observes while at his father's. That pain is definitely real, my protective nature kicking in full force. I ask myself and you these questions, when will enough be enough? Would the courts see four years of this crap, of ex not following court orders/agreements over and over and over again? Will these things even prove that he doesn't have S5 best interests, safety, well-being in mind...Needless to say, I will be contacting a lawyer shortly to seek advice.

RANT OVER! Thanks for any input, personal experiences and advice.

Um ok. Let me zip my fire-suit up.
Ok. Zipped. Check.

This is why I don't really surf these boards anymore.
I was exactly where you are. Angry.

So I really don't want to minimize your feelings. But having said that - there is really no legal argument to "I hate this person and will heap any venomous assault unto them whenever that I may".

So, I picked this rant to rant upon. Oops. Sorry. It's really not your fault.
It's how we're wired.

But in time, I would only count you a fool, if you were not able to look back and see just how desperate you are becoming in your arguments.

And you know what. Maybe you ARE the exception to the rule. And that child(s) is in real danger. But I doubt it, based on personal experience.

So I apologise if my instincts are wrong - and with that I'm probably banned from the site. LOL. Oh well, cÚst la vie.

But my heart-felt advice is dial the drama back a bit, and concentrate on what happens while kid(s) is n your care.
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  #39  
Old 02-19-2015, 09:43 AM
Helpless Helpless is offline
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Um ok. Let me zip my fire-suit up.
Ok. Zipped. Check.

This is why I don't really surf these boards anymore.
I was exactly where you are. Angry.

So I really don't want to minimize your feelings. But having said that - there is really no legal argument to "I hate this person and will heap any venomous assault unto them whenever that I may".

So, I picked this rant to rant upon. Oops. Sorry. It's really not your fault.
It's how we're wired.

But in time, I would only count you a fool, if you were not able to look back and see just how desperate you are becoming in your arguments.

And you know what. Maybe you ARE the exception to the rule. And that child(s) is in real danger. But I doubt it, based on personal experience.

So I apologise if my instincts are wrong - and with that I'm probably banned from the site. LOL. Oh well, cÚst la vie.

But my heart-felt advice is dial the drama back a bit, and concentrate on what happens while kid(s) is n your care.

This is by far the worst reply yet! But I can still see where you're coming from...behind your computer screen....

In reply to you, I've never stated or spewed out that I hate my ex...I can't hate him, we're bound together for life! What I do hate is that our son is put in situations, by his father, that are really not ideal for any child.

Again, my child is in no need of protection, he's fed, clothed, sheltered and not abused. But there are years of supporting evidence to why there are distinct clauses in our agreement. And ex seems to completely disregard the no dogs, no drugs around our child clauses.

You're right "C'est la vie".....But my gut tells me not to stand on the side lines, separation agreement or not...and maybe it's simply because of my line of work, of seeing how easy it is for kids to go down the wrong path, even when they have responsible, loving, nurturing parents or not. I see families and situations (things you couldn't even imagine) everyday. But still this doesn't mean our son is going to go down that path, still, why not put all the chances of him living a good, productive and happy lifestyle, of which his father clearly cannot seem to grasp himself. It's sad really, I'm sad for my ex who's stuck in that mindset of such a negative lifestyle, to each their own, but NOT around our child!

Your definition of drama is, well, silly...I think that you're relating drama with concerns and my concerns will never be "dialed" down.

Lastly, choosing this thread to vent yourself is no problem to me, some days we just need to poop in someone's cornflakes...but it's no worries to me, I hope you felt better! Have a good day!
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  #40  
Old 02-19-2015, 10:21 AM
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I don't think his definition of drama is silly in any way at all. If I remember correctly, you are the person 'venting' here and looking for ideas on how to 'handle' your kid coming home with stick on tattoos. If you honestly and truly feel it's that big of an issue, so concerning, and in contempt of your current order, file a motion with the court and ask them for direction.

And if you're willing to go to court over a child playing with a child's toy....then that is, indeed, very unnecessary drama.
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