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  • Medical Decisions

    My 13 year old son is currently hospitalized due to mental health issues and wants to move in with me and my wife when he is discharged (he has been living with my ex-wife up until this point but things have not been going well). Because of this, the hospital staff has been contacting me directly to arrange discharge plans and to provide updates.

    My ex-wife is insisting that I don't have a say in any of this and that I should not be making arrangements without her consent because she is the legal guardian and has sole custody - this was outlined in our separation agreement, but nothing is actually court ordered (I.e., we didn't go before a judge).

    I'm wondering what the legal ramifications are here? If my son wants to be discharged into my care do I become the legal guardian. The social worker at the hospital is telling me that he is old enough to decide where he wants to live without his mother's consent.

    Just looking for some advice.

  • #2
    I don't think a social worker can give you legal advice.

    With something this important I would consult a lawyer.

    Comment


    • #3
      If your son is suffering mental health issues that required hospitalization a power struggle between his parents is NOT going to help. Your ex doesnt seem all that reasonable either.

      Is there a therapist involved in his care who may be able to sit down with you both to discuss the next steps?

      I would still include her but let her know you will be supporting your son in healthy reasonable decisions that consider his ongoing mental health issues. Point out that your agreement was signed when he was X age and he is old enough to be a part of the decision. You could also suggest that it be a trial for six months to determine if things are working and his mental health is improving. She will still have open access to him and you can table any child support decisions while he is going through this transition.

      Your child is not a possession and there is something seriously wrong that needs to be addressed. Even if your ex is difficult, she still needs to be a part of the discussion and it may be in your best interest to sit down with the social worker as a parenting "team" to discuss the next steps.

      Also remind her that your childs best interests and mental well being are at the top of your mind and you BOTH should be cognizant of keeping him healthy.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by randomdad123 View Post
        My 13 year old son is currently hospitalized due to mental health issues and wants to move in with me and my wife when he is discharged (he has been living with my ex-wife up until this point but things have not been going well). Because of this, the hospital staff has been contacting me directly to arrange discharge plans and to provide updates.

        My ex-wife is insisting that I don't have a say in any of this and that I should not be making arrangements without her consent because she is the legal guardian and has sole custody - this was outlined in our separation agreement, but nothing is actually court ordered (I.e., we didn't go before a judge).

        I'm wondering what the legal ramifications are here? If my son wants to be discharged into my care do I become the legal guardian. The social worker at the hospital is telling me that he is old enough to decide where he wants to live without his mother's consent.

        Just looking for some advice.
        This is where the differences between sole custody and joint custody come to light in a terrible way. She has sole custody. It doesn't have to be court ordered if you gave it up voluntarily in a separation agreement.

        You have zero right to be making any huge medical decisions for this child. Your ex is right, and it should be her making the decision about where he is to be discharged. The child is old enough that his opinion carries some weight with a judge, but until court comes into play the final decision still rests with the parent with custody.

        What I would recommend, however, is that you get a lawyer and see about an emergency procedure (this is where you need a lawyer because I don't know what it's legally called or how to do it) to get you in front of a judge ASAP to have the best decision made for the child. If you have medical information from his medical care team (which you technically have no right to as you have no custody) talking about how it would be better for his mental health to reside with you instead of his mother, that's a big help.

        If your son wants to be discharged into your care, you do not automatically become the parent with custody. You have to fight for it in front of a judge.

        However, you are using some terminology that indicates you may be confused about some family law issues. Do you know the legal differences between guardian, access, custody, residence, etc? Did you understand them when you signed the separation agreement? Did you consult a lawyer for independent legal advice to get these explained to you before you signed?

        Comment


        • #5
          If your son is in the hospital he would likely be under the care of a staff psychiatrist. I'd try to find out, from the social worker, just who the health care team comprises.

          While it may be uncomfortable you should consider meeting with your ex and this health care team. It is extremely unprofessional for a social worker and "staff" at the hospital to put you in this situation without your having full medical disclosure. You simply do not possess all of the facts, nor should you, until you are granted permission from the court to intervene (because that is what you are doing).

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by arabian View Post
            If your son is in the hospital he would likely be under the care of a staff psychiatrist. I'd try to find out, from the social worker, just who the health care team comprises.

            While it may be uncomfortable you should consider meeting with your ex and this health care team. It is extremely unprofessional for a social worker and "staff" at the hospital to put you in this situation without your having full medical disclosure. You simply do not possess all of the facts, nor should you, until you are granted permission from the court to intervene (because that is what you are doing).
            My ex-wife has included me in the process from the beginning and I've been visiting him in therapy, we've done therapy together, and I've been getting updates from the hospital staff. My ex has agreed that our son can be discharged into my care (I probably should have included that in my original post) but she's saying that it's just for a "cool-down" period and is not agreeing to anything permanent.
            Last edited by blinkandimgone; 12-06-2016, 10:20 PM. Reason: Removed name

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
              This is where the differences between sole custody and joint custody come to light in a terrible way. She has sole custody. It doesn't have to be court ordered if you gave it up voluntarily in a separation agreement.

              You have zero right to be making any huge medical decisions for this child. Your ex is right, and it should be her making the decision about where he is to be discharged. The child is old enough that his opinion carries some weight with a judge, but until court comes into play the final decision still rests with the parent with custody.

              What I would recommend, however, is that you get a lawyer and see about an emergency procedure (this is where you need a lawyer because I don't know what it's legally called or how to do it) to get you in front of a judge ASAP to have the best decision made for the child. If you have medical information from his medical care team (which you technically have no right to as you have no custody) talking about how it would be better for his mental health to reside with you instead of his mother, that's a big help.

              If your son wants to be discharged into your care, you do not automatically become the parent with custody. You have to fight for it in front of a judge.

              However, you are using some terminology that indicates you may be confused about some family law issues. Do you know the legal differences between guardian, access, custody, residence, etc? Did you understand them when you signed the separation agreement? Did you consult a lawyer for independent legal advice to get these explained to you before you signed?
              I forgot to include in my original post that my ex-wife has agreed to our son being discharged into my care, but she's assuming it's only temporary and just until our son "cools down". I also do have access have legal access to health information as that was part of our separation agreement. I'll talk with a lawyer. Thank you.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by randomdad123 View Post
                I forgot to include in my original post that my ex-wife has agreed to our son being discharged into my care, but she's assuming it's only temporary and just until our son "cools down".
                Then there is no problem. Agree that your son should live with you temporarily. When ex looks to take the son back go to court and point out that the status quo is awesome and that it is too risky to be changed right now, maybe in six months.

                Six months later if she tries to change it argue that it is still going well. Drop some hints about how money is tight but you are still soldiering through so that you can ding her for retro CS down the road.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Janus View Post
                  Then there is no problem. Agree that your son should live with you temporarily. When ex looks to take the son back go to court and point out that the status quo is awesome and that it is too risky to be changed right now, maybe in six months.

                  Six months later if she tries to change it argue that it is still going well. Drop some hints about how money is tight but you are still soldiering through so that you can ding her for retro CS down the road.
                  Excellent. This sounds like the best course of action. I have also contacted my lawyer for advice. Thank you!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Why would the child stop seing his mother and stay only with you?
                    Is there any reason why he should be deprived from contact with his mother?
                    Why not a 50/50 custody schedule?
                    Is it because of financial considerations? Or is it because the mother is not fit to look after him?
                    And why did you let the mother have sole custody to start with?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The doctors can decide the kid is old enough to make his own medical decision as a 'mature youth ' if they want to.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                        The doctors can decide the kid is old enough to make his own medical decision as a 'mature youth ' if they want to.
                        I can't wait to see the spin on a 13 yr old with mental health issues, as first posted by the OP, being considered a 'mature youth' by a physician from the psych ward.
                        Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                          The doctors can decide the kid is old enough to make his own medical decision as a 'mature youth ' if they want to.
                          At thirteen, he's not even halfway through junior high, let alone old enough to make important decisions about his life. And if his mental health issues are severe enough to require hospitalization, he's really not competent to make such decisions. If his therapist told him he could choose where to live, s/he screwed up.

                          I'm glad that Mom agreed that he could live with Dad, but I hope it's clear to Kid that the adults are making this decision, not him.

                          And this is really not the time for Dad to be scheming how to get custody of Kid, unless there is something seriously wrong with Mom.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by stripes View Post
                            At thirteen, he's not even halfway through junior high, let alone old enough to make important decisions about his life. And if his mental health issues are severe enough to require hospitalization, he's really not competent to make such decisions. If his therapist told him he could choose where to live, s/he screwed up.

                            I'm glad that Mom agreed that he could live with Dad, but I hope it's clear to Kid that the adults are making this decision, not him.

                            And this is really not the time for Dad to be scheming how to get custody of Kid, unless there is something seriously wrong with Mom.
                            I don't disagree, in the least. But have personally seen it happen.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by stripes View Post
                              And this is really not the time for Dad to be scheming how to get custody of Kid, unless there is something seriously wrong with Mom.
                              You can't get a change in custody when things are going smoothly. Status quo is too strong. The only time to effect a change is during turbulence.

                              Comment

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