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Old 08-10-2008, 02:47 PM
newatthis newatthis is offline
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Default hi i am new - venting

HI, as stated I am new. My counsellor suggested I check out a support group. Just over a month ago my husband of about 16 yrs...says it is not working... i knew we were growing apart and was actually trying to see a counsellor the next week. He says he is not sure what he wants. Then a week and a half later he tells me he has someone...someone he met playing games online... she has been there for him. I will certainly admit i did my share of wrong things. Wish i had talked sooner, wish I knew my drinking bothered him (have since stopped entirely). I cannot wrap my head around the idea that we did not talk and now it is too late. He does not even want to try for our little girl. He says he still cares about me but not in that way.

Until I find a place we still live under the same roof... I am thinking of following the advice I saw on a previous thread... trying to act like I am moving on. Half of me is... half of me is praying he will want to try again. When he is nice to me it is torture, it is like old times except I cannot go to him now. I am trying to not think about the other woman. How do people get past this? I am so filled with regret. I just cant believe he is with someone else and has no interest in even trying with me.

Well that is my vent. Thanks
Old 08-11-2008, 12:18 PM
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FL_Needs_To_Change FL_Needs_To_Change is offline
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Location: Northern Ontario
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FL_Needs_To_Change has a spectacular aura aboutFL_Needs_To_Change has a spectacular aura about

You have to take into consideration that it was him that fell out of love with you, and in that situation things are going to be tough. No one can simply turn on and off their emotions. With that said, this is going to take some time, however, as long as the two of you remain in the same house, that "moving on emotionally" part is going to be all that much harder.

Part of moving on will require that you forgive yourself for the past, nothing you do can change what was done. You can only change today and tomorrow with every choice you make in the moment.

Stay true to yourself, and try not to get hungup on the past and any mistakes you made. Try taking on a new hobby, maybe take a class of some sort. Doing this will introduce you to new people and new experiences and will take you and your mind off of the past and help you move forward.
Old 08-11-2008, 11:40 PM
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hubby hubby is offline
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Default It will take TIME

Well, good to be back!

Its been a little over 3 years now since my separation -- expect a roller coaster emotional ride -- I'm just now feeling 'normal' if anyone can really be normal after separation/divorce.

You remind me of myself when I first went thru separation - a GREAT book to read is Divorce Remedy -- helps you NOT to make the mistakes I made in the beginning.

You will have two paths - hate and love. I choose love and today, my ex and I are good freinds, with a respect for one another.

I KNOW this is a difficult time for you ... the best therapy is to talk to others who understand the pain you are going thru - it aint easy, its touch, its aint fair, life feels like its over, darkness sets in, happiness is gone, your thoughts are consumed, you loose interest in all things -- ALL normal -- only TIME will bring the light back into your life.

Hang in there ok -- life is not over, it's just changing and good or bad can come of this -- you decide.

Old 08-11-2008, 11:40 PM
let it begin let it begin is offline
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I feel for you. I am in the thick of separation with 3 kids and we are still under the same roof. I know how you feel; just how I feel; full of regret, anger, sorrow, why has it come to this, make this bad dream go away, why, why, why.
I think we begin to focus clearly when we are physically separated; at least I can't do it while in the same house. It is too hard and the emotions are all over the map. My husband moves out within the month. I am afraid and will be sad but somehow I will get through this. Try and think of yourself only right now as hard as it is. I see a doctor once a week and this really helps with the emotion aspects. Hang in there and try and be strong.
Old 08-12-2008, 01:37 AM
twiceseparated twiceseparated is offline
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Default I know what you are going thru

Your story reads like mine and the one of so many others I have met or read. I was with my ex 17 years, two small children. He is the walking poster boy of mid-life crisis and left for another woman. No communication or explanation as to the "why" he wasn't "in love" with me anymore. The "why" stops mattering after a while. Don't beat yourself up over trying to figuere it out and blaming yourself.

I joined a great support group called Seperated Anonomous in the Toronto/Mississauga area. I'm not sure where you live but I would highly recommend it. It helped me getting to know others who were going thru the same pain and it helped me heal.

I am now almost two years seperated. It's a long road and they say on average it takes about 3 years to get thru it. We thought we would split amicably but it turned into a nasty fight. Emotions being the problem. It is far easier to hate him though when he is nasty. When he is nice it brings up too many memories. I still love him but I love the man I married, not the man he has become. I came to realize and accept that I couldn't change him or fix him.

Moving on, and going thru the motions of moving on even if you feel you can't, does help. I've been dating this great guy for a year and a half and it has been a great, healing, learning experience. I do not have a future with him but he is part of my process. Start setting some goals and thinking in a positive light. A friend of mine told me at the beginning of all this that "Now my life is my own destiny" That gives me hope and something to look forward to.

You are only half way through your life. Start living a new chapter with hope.
Old 08-12-2008, 12:18 PM
Banaschar Banaschar is offline
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Default Oh man

Just reading that made me shiver!
Know this, it passes and heals. Time is your ally. I was there last year and I am not anymore.
Best to you!
Old 08-12-2008, 09:27 PM
newatthis newatthis is offline
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Default thanks

Hi, thanks for the support. It is hard being here at the same house. I am so glad to have others to talk to. I am trying to not focus on what I did or did not do....trying not to focus on 'the other woman'... all the things I am supposed to do. I am starting to get angry... less forgiving...that is not really me but... when he is nice to me, friendly texts etc, I think what the ??? are you doing... don't be nice to is too hard.

I look forward to having my own place so I won't see him so much and I can focus more and more on myself and my life.

Thanks again, this is really a good thing that people do for each other. Take care everybody.
Old 08-15-2008, 09:57 AM
twiceseparated twiceseparated is offline
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Remember that an affair is a symptom of a failing marriage, not the cause of one. Blame him, not her. She obviously has bought into his complaints about his marriage and thinks it was ok to get involved with him given what he probably told her. He is to blame here for not dealing with the marriage and running away. After a while, once the dust has settled you will get to a point where you are grateful for not being with someone who couldn't be bothered to reconnect with you and try to save your marriage and maybe thankful that he had the courage to take the first step towards ending it if it was truly meant to end.
Good luck and go out there and meet some other separated people to network with and offer support. I know it really helped me when I felt so alone.
Old 08-15-2008, 08:06 PM
newatthis newatthis is offline
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Hi, thanks for that. What you have said is true. I have been lucky to find myself surrounded by kind friends... and I am finding other resources like this forum good to go to. I am feeling better by being more active in making some decisions. What a roller coaster.. I am looking forward to the future (or at least trying to).
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