To rent or to buy?

[hubby]

I'm curious, if you are contemplating moving out of the maternal home, would you ...

1. Rent a dwelling in hope of reconcilliation down the road?

2. Buy you own dwelling with you equity from the maternal home and move on?

Hubby

[logicalvelocity]

To rent or to buy,

If you think the separation will be short and there is a chance of reconciliation then rent a dwelling.
If there is no chance of reconciliation and custody is an issue buy a dwelling.

Reason being, stability of a family unit is a big consideration when determining custody issues. If a home was owned, this would be a clear signal of stability.

[hubby]

Makes sense

Thanks ... that be logical. Never thought of that.

Hubby

[blue crayon]

Shall I stay a little while or shall I move out now?

We have a house in both names. Decided to start legal seperation first. My husband and his son stay in the house and I was thinking of moving out with my daughter (4 years old) for a few months then buy a house immeidately after I get my half from the house.

After reading this post, I think I should stay till I get the money to buy a home for us so my daughter's life will not be changed dramatically. But it's really hard to see him every day.

We've been staying in different room for over at least a year as far as I remembered, but no seperation date has been discussed or agreed.

thanks a lot for your opnion.

[bearall]

Another Question

If the matrimonial home is paid for and held jointly....does the spouse who has achieved sole use and benefit of the home since seperation (occupies the house) owe rent to the displaced spouse until the property is divided??
I would assume both parties contribute to property taxes and insurance and maintenance costs---but shouldn't one side pay at least some rent to the non-occupier??

[Grace]

Bearall,

Generally speaking a spouse given an order for exclusive possession of a matrimonial home will be expected to bear the expenses of the home during the period of exclusive possession. Such orders are usually only granted when domestic violence has occurred.

A spouse put out of possession by such an order may assert a claim for occupation rent, but where the property is a matrimonial home a claim for occupational rent by one spousal co-tenant against the other will be granted only in exceptional cases

[bearall]

Grace you are an angel !

Thanks for your opinions as always Grace

There is no order for exclusive possession or any domestic violence for that matter.
My ex changed the locks when I was out of town giving her time to think about the dissolution of our family due to my suspicions of infidelity. She denied this extra-marital activity and it confused me as to why her actions and demeanor were noticibly changing thus I thought a few days apart would allow her time to think of our family future(in the meantime of course my suspicions of another man were proven correct,my little kids told me).
My lawyer advised me to re-enter the house and change the locks back, I thought this was harmful and not the answer to sheltering our children from the hostility and conflict that would ensue shortly. I wanted to protect my kids from any of this and naively would rely on first a collaborated settlement and failing that a court decision. I was wrong it hurt me in a whole bunch of ways and almost 2 years later little has been decided other than the interim parenting order for roughly35-40% of the time(I mentioned this to you previously somewhere)
I managed to secure a basement suite suitable for me and my kids for the short term...it is now near 2 years later and $90,000.00 legal and homestudy costs later just on my side. I miss my kids every minute of every day.What a system....race to the bottom.
Who really cares about fixing blame and past action or misconduct,how about help for all of us in fixing the problems going onward in a fair way. Collaboration failed because neither lawyer would allow her to bully me in the process by using our kids and restricting me,so she bailed and I was forced to hire a bulldog after being informed she had already been to a pitbull lawyer prior to us starting the collaborative attempt. She wasn't attending the 4-way meetings in good faith and 3 months passed and status quo became kids with her in the home and the interim order that resulted. I was the stay at home Dad for 5 out of the 6 years of marriage and equal breadwinner before separation. It all seems very unfair to me, I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole here.
I am thankful to her for having the courage and strength I didn't have to end our marriage. I guess I was hanging in there for our little kids sake!
I believe she has a right to her own happiness and I am cheering for her, but not at my , our kids and extended families sake. Now it has become a move-away issue too and her claims of a better family environment in a new city with a new stepfamily which trumps just me raising the kids in a single parent role(especially as a male) The old biases are abundantly apparent so far everywhere --school,church,courts,gubment.
But I believe in a higher power and what will be will be

[Grace]

Thanks Bearall.

Hang in there. I know the legal system can be brutal. Interim orders are difficult to change. Judges normally don't like to change the status quo. So I think it's going to be difficult for her to get a court order to relocate the children.

I hope that 2006 brings you peace.

[bearall]

Happy New Year to all that share the pain

Thanks as always Grace...I am grateful for your time.
Peace in 2006 for you and your family and best of luck.
You possess the elusive gift of compassion, a rarety in these times.
I really had no clue of the extent of abuse a person in a contested divorce would have to endure. As I learn, I promise to inform others in a like situation, the perils of family law in a high conflict divorce. Winners really lose and losers can be destroyed.
In spite of this scorched earth process some angels appear from time to time and it gets easier to recognize them.

[Grace]

Out of adversity comes strength, out of fear of the unknown comes light and focus, out of hopelessness comes resourcefulness. Through sharing with others, we can gain the courage and wisdom to negotiate a path around, through, over or under obstacles that get in our way. I unique group we are; faceless friends sharing through grief, sadness, happiness, strength and hope for the future.

[bearall]

Wise words !!!!

Mom ! Is that you???

[Hanging On]

You must be a very strong person bearall to endure all of that for so long. I can't believe the legal costs!!! How do people on low incomes do it??? I'm a professional earning in the 55,000$ range and am going to have to borrow left right and center to do this. How the heck are people suppose to get by? My spouse says he will defend himself. I wonder how much cheaper it will be for him. This is all so unfair for everyone....

[bearall]

Hangingon, There is very little strength left in me. I am as scared and lonely and beatup as everybody else,especially on New Year's Day(bringing in the spirit of the new year alone,sucks).Part of this divorce process it seems is specifically there to promote one of the party's involved to give up and go away..fine but when you love your kids so much---just how do you find that place in your heart and brain to walk away from them(read become a sometimes visitor) to accomodate your ex and still to save what's left of yourself.
Feel free to send me a private message sometime and I could tell you more about navigating the minefield.
For the life of me... you, Grace and others on here are so wonderful and have so much heart---I just can't believe why any man would be willing to give you up.
The same goes for the men on here..lots of heart and lots of pain/emotion--How did we arrive at this abysmal situation in our lives and why isn't there the lean help we need to navigate our future(all in the best interests of the children and family) Court and litigation are not in the best interests of the children and should only be neccesary for protection and enforcement in my opinion. I sometimes don't like to hear the whining that comes out of my head,when there always seems to be people that have it worse out there

[Hanging On]

I too am struck at how caring and devoted people are on this site. Maybe only the reasonable, caring people join divorce forums!! We should all organize a get together in a major city like Toronto one day and meet!!!!

[Grace]

You must be a very strong person bearall to endure all of that for so long. I can't believe the legal costs!!! How do people on low incomes do it??? I'm a professional earning in the 55,000$ range and am going to have to borrow left right and center to do this. How the heck are people suppose to get by? My spouse says he will defend himself. I wonder how much cheaper it will be for him. This is all so unfair for everyone....

I had to borrow money from my parents, for legal fees. It's very expensive to litigate through the court system. Where are you right now with the lawyers? Have you tried mediation?