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  • The Evil Step-Mother

    Does anyone else have step-kids who hate them? Not because you deserve to be hated, but because their parent painted this picture of you?

    Maybe I'm having a poor me day LOL, but it's really discouraging to have step-kids in your home knowing that they've told their mother they hate you and blame you for their father not talking to their mother anymore, when their mother's behavior is the reason he doesn't talk to her.

    They won't sit in the same room as you, talk to you, or even look at you. How can you enjoy them being in your home when it's like this?

    My husband says to be the bigger person, but I'm really shy and introverted by nature and I just don't know how to deal with this.

  • #2
    Hope you simply encourage the children to have a strong relationship with their father and stay out of things. You can't force people to like you.

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    • #3
      Stay strong and consistent. They will end up getting to know you, and trust you over time. I have days now where I'm sure my own 13 yo hates me and he's not my step-son !
      Can you arrange some day trips/outings so there isn't the tension at home ? normally kids will loosen up once they are out of the house. Also perhaps try some one on one bonding with each child separately...
      Good luck-tough position !

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      • #4
        I can't imagine being in a situation, as a child or an adult, where I was "forced" to live with someone I didn't want to. Try to look at things from the children's perspective. They didn't ask for their parents to be divorced. Over time, if you're not trying to force them to like you, you may or may not develop a good relationship with the children. Getting married to someone with baggage can't be easy. Hope you have some interests of your own. I am so grateful that my divorce didn't involve young children.

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        • #5
          arabian has an excellent point....imagine just for a second the turmoil the children must feel....
          I only have a gf who lives apart from me and they LOVED me at first, but the more time i spent there or her here....
          Absolute turmoil.....resentment is the most obvious emotion that comes out..
          Children are accustomed to thier lives....
          When we intorduce "new" people/partners it is extremely difficult, hence why I have after 8 years never moved in with somebody...
          Extremely difficult for a child, upside down and all around difficult....a definate huge sense of loss in so many ways....add living with a new family...OMG!!!
          So, no idea how to handle but the childs feelings are something to think about and respect...
          There is a huge sense of loss for the child, how to handle....I wish I knew...

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          • #6
            My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married a year. Everything was fine when we first started dating, but then the finalization of the divorce started and his ex went nuts. She went even more nuts when my husband and I were having our own child together. From there, it just got worse. I never disciplined my step-daughters, I just tried to do nice things for them and be a friend. It just didn't matter.

            The summer before last, we had a family meeting that went haywire. My oldest step-daughter told me to shut up in my own house and said that I was a bitch and everybody knew it. She didn't come to our home for 9 months that year.

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            • #7
              CCB, I don't see how old the step child is, and agree wtih arabian as it cannot be easy for any child to go through a separation/divorce and have to visit and/or live with a stranger and deal with the turmoil, not including the everyday strees!

              I agree with May_May, it can be difficult at times to deal with our own children especially when preteens, teenagers, never mind step children!

              Your stepchilds' mother is not totally to blame for the step children's behavior. Most children go through a process where they blame themselves for the separation/divorce and with time come to blame someone else including the step mother, step father, other children, whoever is in the picture.

              You might not know what is going on in that child's life, problem at home, school, with friends etc...Be patient and have your husband support you as talking back to you in your own house is "unaceptable" and up to the child's father to say something. The last thing you want is for this to cause problem in your marriage.

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              • #8
                My step-daughters are 14 and 17. Their attitude toward me started when they were 12 and 15.

                Yes, I understand that they are teenagers, but in my opinion, it is normal for them to push the boundaries with their parents. But toward me, that's unfounded. And yes I do blame their mother. How could they respect me when their mother didn't? My husband and I have both heard it first hand in front of the kids. Their mother, despite not even knowing me, disrespected me to her daughters from the very beginning. She apologized to me for it a few years back, but then just kept on.

                The 17 year old might visit her father in our home once every 6 months. I have told my husband that he can work on the relationship between his daughter and himself. Same with the 14 year old who also hates me. They both told me that they would have rathered watched their father sit home alone in his trailer after the separation than have moved on with his life.
                It's a crappy situation and it does cause problems in our marriage.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by CCB View Post
                  My step-daughters are 14 and 17. Their attitude toward me started when they were 12 and 15.
                  Yes, I understand that they are teenagers, but in my opinion, it is normal for them to push the boundaries with their parents. But toward me, that's unfounded. And yes I do blame their mother. How could they respect me when their mother didn't?
                  The 17 year old might visit her father in our home once every 6 months. I have told my husband that he can work on the relationship between his daughter and himself. Same with the 14 year old who also hates me. They both told me that they would have rathered watched their father sit home alone in his trailer after the separation than have moved on with his life.
                  It's a crappy situation and it does cause problems in our marriage.


                  -You CANNOT change another person and have no control what their mother say or do, so you and your husband are the ones who need to focus and work together to try and improve the situation before it gets worse and have a impact on your marriage. It's not uncommon to see married adult treat their step parents this way, so the sooner the situation can be improved, the better.

                  -A therapist said: "if you are going to be involve with someone with baggage, be prepare to deal with it as you will become part of the baggage".



                  [/quote] It's a crappy situation and it does cause problems in our marriage.
                  Time for "your husband" to have a serious talk with his children especially the 14 yr old. Doesn't sound like he has a close relationship with the 17. He needs to ask why they hate you so much? what you have done to them to make them feel this way? what can you "all" do to improve the situation and respect one another? Time to set rules, and to respect one another and anyone in your household when visiting.
                  Children are smart and know who, and how far they can push and get away with. A lot of children blame the "step parent" for the separatoin/divorce and see them as "outsiders". Did the children have any therapy/counselling after the separation/divorce?
                  Keep in mind EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT!

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                  • #10
                    TLCRN, it's funny because the judge in my husband's settlement conference told him the same thing, you can't change people! If only...haha.

                    Anyway, yes you are right, my husband is not close to the 17 year old. He was extremely close to the 14 year old before all this. We have hope that things will improve with their relationship. She is civil and slightly pleasant to me when she is in our home, so that is some progress I guess.

                    My husband urged his ex wife to get counselling for their kids twice. It was ignored and my husband can't get it without her permission. That is being adressed in the Variation Application that he has just filed with the court. The more time he gets to spend with the kids, the more he can repair the damage from the past and also offset some of the alienation that is still occurring.
                    Last edited by CCB; 03-16-2012, 10:13 AM.

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                    • #11
                      I don't believe he needs her permission to go to counselling with his kids to work on their relationship. Depending on their agreement, she may need to give the ok for him to obtain counselling or other services for the child on their own, but he shouldn't be required to get her ok on joint counselling for himself and the kids.

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                      • #12
                        I asked my psychologists office and with joint custody they require the permission of both parents. I wish he could take them for counselling, but that might have to come from the court if the alientation issues get addressed...if we're lucky. The courts in Nova Scotia are farther behind the times than the other provinces. They're still very biased toward the mother being the primary caregiver with EOW and Wednesday night Dads.

                        Comment

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