Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Points to ponder - involvement of new spouse/step parents

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #91
    This topic is starting to sound like bullying.

    I don't think this is a case of an ex being insecure, rather it's about acceptable and non acceptable behaviour and the parents rights to attend a court room without distraction or questionable behaviour from someone who should not be there in the first place. Innuendo, body language and remarks made within earshot of either party is simply inappropriate. I think the 'hockey parent' behaviour is best kept to the curb and out of the courts.

    Comment


    • #92
      Originally posted by Toutou View Post
      What I wrote came out much harsher than what I meant, but the fact is, if, as you say, bio-mom is secure enough and over her ex, number and kind of supporters that her ex came with would not matter.

      I realise that some people are hurt, but the solution is not to blame the other party, the solutin is to work on yourself so that it does not affect you.
      I completely disagree.

      His current wife has absolutely NO BUSINESS whatsoever poking her nose into a relationship she has no real idea about. In my case, we split up a full 7 years before they met. What I know about her is that she's trouble. How do I know that, because it's been trouble since she arrived.

      If the ex is so confident why do they need an entourage? If they truly are making decisions on their own, and have prepared all the documents themselves, what purpose does the new wife have in being part of these proceedings?

      He brought the entourage and even though they are perfectly able to be part of the proceedings, in the court room, not once did they take that seat. Why? Because the ex doesn't want them to know the real truth behind the issues. You see, inving them in, invites them into the real issues, not the ones he's telling everyone exist.

      Comment


      • #93
        Originally posted by Toutou View Post
        What I wrote came out much harsher than what I meant, but the fact is, if, as you say, bio-mom is secure enough and over her ex, number and kind of supporters that her ex came with would not matter.

        I realise that some people are hurt, but the solution is not to blame the other party, the solutin is to work on yourself so that it does not affect you.

        Never felt "ganged up on", "singled out", "put on the spot", having to defend yourself against people you don't even know and that definitely know nothing about you. It makes no difference how secure, confident and over your ex you are. If you feel like they're out to get you in one big pack....gangland drama.

        Yeah, that's how it feels. Bully tactics. "If I have more people supporting me, I must be right-er". It's childish behaviour and should be avoided when making adult decisions.

        Comment


        • #94
          I thought this article would be appropriate for this thread:

          Stepmoms, step away from the ex-wife

          Comment


          • #95
            Originally posted by Toutou View Post
            I realise that some people are hurt, but the solution is not to blame the other party, the solutin is to work on yourself so that it does not affect you.
            I don't understand your desire not to put blame where blame is due?

            I'll remember next time that someone "hurts" me, it must be because I have no confidence or strength, rather than it being the names they chose to call me or the brick that they threw at me.

            I'll blame myself instead.

            That should make it nice and easy on the ex then, shouldn't it?

            Comment


            • #96
              Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
              I don't understand your desire not to put blame where blame is due?

              I'll remember next time that someone "hurts" me, it must be because I have no confidence or strength, rather than it being the names they chose to call me or the brick that they threw at me.

              I'll blame myself instead.

              That should make it nice and easy on the ex then, shouldn't it?
              When someone who I love and care about hurts me, it hurts.

              When someone, my ex, her new partner, etc. tries to hurt me, I don't let it. Because I know that they have ulterior motives. They may hurt me because they are insecure, they may be trying to upset me so they can more easily gain some concession from me. So I don't let them win.

              There is a reason you and your ex aren't together. Don't let them upset or hurt you. Blaming them helps nothing, and it takes away from the energy you have to spend with your partner and your kids.

              The best revenge is living well. And that includes not caring about what people who don't like you think about you, or say about you.

              Comment


              • #97
                Here is another good article... Why it's Easier to Love a Step Father than a Step Mother

                I think the article has some good points, its a few years old and I don't necessarily agree with some of the points regarding women being more angry/resentful, but I think it does sort of bring into perspective why we hear a lot more about step moms then we do step dads.

                Either way... I love being a step mom. I enjoy every minute of it, even if at times the kids get crabby... after all...they are kids and have every right to show emotions.

                Comment


                • #98
                  Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
                  When someone who I love and care about hurts me, it hurts.

                  When someone, my ex, her new partner, etc. tries to hurt me, I don't let it. Because I know that they have ulterior motives. They may hurt me because they are insecure, they may be trying to upset me so they can more easily gain some concession from me. So I don't let them win.

                  There is a reason you and your ex aren't together. Don't let them upset or hurt you. Blaming them helps nothing, and it takes away from the energy you have to spend with your partner and your kids.

                  The best revenge is living well. And that includes not caring about what people who don't like you think about you, or say about you.

                  They've hurt me by hurting my daughter. I don't care about them whatsoever. I do care about how they treat my daughter. Which isn't well.

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    Hey Berner_Faith - I saw this article and I had to post it for you!

                    Why Nice Women Don't Like Step-Kids

                    I really admire the fortitude of step-parents. It is definitely not a role I would relish.

                    Comment


                    • I'm reading all the new posts in the thread and a few things come to mind:

                      We are each bias based on our own personal experiences. Meaning, we each have our own ideologies based on past experiences that we bring to new experiences. This is normal and natural. It may or may not be helpful.

                      We can make our opinions known to others but it does not mean we must gain acceptance from those persons to make our opinions to be valid, acceptable or correct.

                      The other thing that comes to mind is how we infer certain behaviours on people, perhaps because of our personal biases I speak to above. This is important as both parties in a litigation will come to the table with their own and likely different biases. If you want to analyze it from both side this will indeed be important. However, if dad has his spouse at the courthouse it does not necessarily mean he has an "entourage", nor does a spectator HAVE to have body language (really, we are capable of shutting most of this down if we want to) and furthermore, if mom is looking at the judge and sitting by her lawyer she will be oblivious if step mom is having "body language" in the courtroom....not to mention a judge would throw anyone out of the courtroom who exhibits any of that negativity.

                      Every word has a meaning and can have different meanings given the context in how it is used. In this particular thread I see a mix mosh of how the word "right" is used. There is a legal right and a moral right. The moral right is highly subjective depending on the view point of the person(s). And for the purpose of this thread we have confused the two I think (at least in my opinion anyhow) as there IS a legal right for most anyone to be in the courtroom. There is no gray area - the law says we can be there until a judge says we can't.

                      I will just say this: Take what you want and leave the rest. Saying "maybe this is because..." is a better approach than accusing someone of something that may or may not have taken place. And to each their own. Ultimately MY situation is what is most important to myself and my husband. I care enough to offer my opinion to try and assist others in managing and coping in their situation but I really do try to note poke the lion so to speak. No good will come out of looking to cast blame, it would be far more prudent to try to help others in finding a solution to their problem.

                      Lastly, there are MANY ways to achieve a positive end - MANY. I encourage everyone to not be so short sighted to dismiss this notion.

                      Comment


                      • Certainly it is a matter of "each to his own Serene."

                        We are fortunate to have this forum to be able to have a direct dialogue about matters which are important to each of us. I agree that we all carry our own individual baggage which does have an impact on how we disseminate information and go about our lives.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
                          They've hurt me by hurting my daughter. I don't care about them whatsoever. I do care about how they treat my daughter. Which isn't well.
                          So how long are you going to harbour all this inside? The ongoing banter is not benefiting all the parties involved, and the main victim in all of this seems to be your daughter.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by arabian View Post
                            Hey Berner_Faith - I saw this article and I had to post it for you!

                            Why Nice Women Don't Like Step-Kids

                            I really admire the fortitude of step-parents. It is definitely not a role I would relish.


                            lol Arabian...that article actually made me laugh. I suppose there will always be women who are bitter towards their step children and the ex, but for me...it really was one of those...I knew he had children... I knew if I was going to be with him, his children were going to be there...which is why I treat his children like I treat the other kids in my life, young cousins, niece, nephew and family friends. They are all treated the same, we expect the same level of respect from all of them.

                            One thing I feel is very important in a blended family is to not make any children feel singled out. They should all be treated the same. I suppose I am just one of the lucky ones in that my partner and I agree on our parenting styles.

                            Comment


                            • BF - I thought you would find some amusement with the article as did I.

                              When I read the article I thought, yes, that is likely how I would feel. I particularly liked the part about the step-children being considered "spies" ! Who would have thought?

                              Cudos to you and Serene and all the other step-moms.

                              Here's to wishing everyone has peace in their castle!!

                              Comment


                              • One thing I feel is very important in a blended family is to not make any children feel singled out.
                                Yes....because that will just create some kind of favouritism , and kids will pick up on it. Speaking of "blended family", interesting article here from the Huff....

                                Blended Families -- We Can Get Through Anything Together | Valerie DeLoach

                                And

                                When Zach and Lori Braun wed four years ago, they knew they were not only going into a new marriage but creating a new family.
                                That's step one in forming a strong, blended family, experts say. The wise bride and groom with children will acknowledge that the day is not just about them. It's just as important to children who are getting a stepmom or stepdad, and will be expected to fit into a new family structure.
                                Lori and Zach made that clear at their wedding ceremony. After their vows were exchanged, the minister called Zach aside and called up Lori's daughters, then 10-year-old Taylor and 7-year-old Brooke.

                                The junior bridesmaid and flower girl were flabbergasted; they had no idea what was coming. The minister then had Zach tell the girls in a formal vow that he was happy to join their family and that he would love, cherish, guide and protect them forever. Then he gave them each a pearl bracelet with a heart charm, engraved with their names and the date.
                                Blended families: Celebrating a new family unit - Entertainment & Life - Rockford Register Star - Rockford, IL

                                My ex's new guy apparently lied to me that they are married and just waiting for apartment to start living together.
                                What are you doing talking to ex's "new partner"? Any business you have is between you and your ex....period

                                Im thinking to quit email and start book communication but dont know if that can be used against me in court.
                                That will open up a new can o worm...are you really prepared for this? The book communication is a good idea.....it's one I have initiated in my own personal situation, and follows child during exchanges
                                Last edited by FWB; 01-24-2014, 07:54 PM.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X