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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1  
Old 06-22-2020, 03:50 PM
ott_dad1 ott_dad1 is offline
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Default Tough Spot with BPD ex

Hey folks,

Hope all is well. I'm looking for some advice on how to handle a mentally/emotionally abusive ex-wife.

Got really upset today as we have separated and she asked me to stop by repeatedly when she had the kids last week. I did go the first time as she caught me off guard. I quickly realized I never should have done that and said no to the rest of the times. She was trying to get me to come over a couple of other days and applying pressure saying she was going to throw my stuff out or having my kids text me on her behalf to ask.

This has come up because she told someone that I came by multiple times a day every day and was just showing up which wasn't true AT ALL. I'm worried she will also try to say the same to a judge when in fact it's the opposite (she kept harassing me).

I have some texts and stuff showing her asking me to come and me saying no over a few days, but I'm wondering if that is enough? What should I be doing to protect myself and avoid he said/she said situations? What has worked for others? Does it even matter during a divorce proceeding?

There has also been abuse from her towards me. That is already difficult enough for me to try to deal with as it's rare the wife is the abusive one so I worry that there will be a bias. I know she knows this and she'll do whatever she thinks she needs to do to come out on top in this situation.

Anyways, curious to see how others may have dealt with this and thanks for reading!
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2020, 06:21 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Although why are you jumping? You are basically her dancing monkey. Either ignore her texts or tell her you are busy at the moment. If the kids get involved you reiterate that this is not their business and ignore them too.
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Old 06-22-2020, 07:13 PM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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I agree with Rocksan. Ignoring her is the best you can do. Just be glad you don't live under the same roof with her anymore so don't give her the opportunity to continue her abuse. Ignore her and stay as far away from her as possible. I know the feeling of being married to a mentally ill spouse. Unfortunately, the circus just never ends with them. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Old 06-22-2020, 09:02 PM
ott_dad1 ott_dad1 is offline
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Thanks all, I had a feeling...and realized I shouldn't be doing what she says (but too late). It's almost like a reflex I need to work on...glad to know it's likely not going to come back to bite me anyways
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Old 06-23-2020, 08:34 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ott_dad1 View Post
Thanks all, I had a feeling...and realized I shouldn't be doing what she says (but too late). It's almost like a reflex I need to work on...glad to know it's likely not going to come back to bite me anyways

My husband was like this in the beginning which was two years after his divorce. I kept telling him to stop jumping. When I called him her dancing monkey he stopped it.

Unless the kids are headed to the emergency room in an ambulance nothing she says is urgent that requires you to go there.
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Old 06-23-2020, 10:07 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Judges don't go reading through reams of text messages. My ex thinks so which is annoying. So know that you are not alone.

My ex treats me like her dancing monkey too. She doesn't respond to my texts, however, if I don't respond to her texts immediately upon receipt she loses her shit and barrages me on why I am not answering...

But again, judges don't give a rats butt about your texting relationship or etiquette. Just remember to keep any/all communication cordial, period.
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Old 06-23-2020, 03:45 PM
Exasperated mommy Exasperated mommy is offline
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Hey there,

I've been keeping record of everything through our messages. What format do judges need to see this in (if they don't read text messages), given that this is where the meat is? Thanks!
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Old 06-23-2020, 05:53 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Originally Posted by Exasperated mommy View Post
Hey there,

I've been keeping record of everything through our messages. What format do judges need to see this in (if they don't read text messages), given that this is where the meat is? Thanks!

They wont get into the weeds like that. Unless the text message is an agreement you can see kids and then she reneges or if she is saying you cant see the kids on your time via text message they arent worth anything.

I dont know how many ways it can be said but text messages are useless in court or out. Stop communicating anything important via text and stop responding via text. If it is an emergency call otherwise send everything via email and only when necessary.

For instance I am available to pick up kids at x time on y day. Or I do not agree to dance swimming gymnastics hockey and soccer, I agree to one activity at $200. Etc.

Stop communicating unnecessarily if you have a high maintenance difficult ex!!
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Old 06-24-2020, 12:26 PM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
They wont get into the weeds like that. Unless the text message is an agreement you can see kids and then she reneges or if she is saying you cant see the kids on your time via text message they arent worth anything.

I dont know how many ways it can be said but text messages are useless in court or out. Stop communicating anything important via text and stop responding via text. If it is an emergency call otherwise send everything via email and only when necessary.

For instance I am available to pick up kids at x time on y day. Or I do not agree to dance swimming gymnastics hockey and soccer, I agree to one activity at $200. Etc.

Stop communicating unnecessarily if you have a high maintenance difficult ex!!
All of this ^^^ and then BIFF them.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses
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  #10  
Old 06-24-2020, 02:50 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Exasperated mommy View Post
Hey there,

I've been keeping record of everything through our messages. What format do judges need to see this in (if they don't read text messages), given that this is where the meat is? Thanks!
Judges don't read texts, so no format at all. Sorry to say but you are likely wasting your time and effort. People watch way too much TV and think they can walk into court with a box of text messages and the judge will read them. The court system is clogged and judges don't have time to read nonsense or conversations.

What are you hoping to prove through text? The only thing that is worth anything, is if someone is withholding children and proof is in text, or if someone made a unilateral decision in a text. If the meat of your argument is "texts", you may not have much argument at all.

Also, if you are keeping a record of every text, how does that make you look? It can make you look like you are looking for conflict and reading into each and every text as conflict---which can paint you in a very negative light. Parents should be able to cordially and freely communicate without fear that every text is being documented. Otherwise both parents are on constant pins and needles and there is zero trust established between the 2 of you.

Last edited by LovingDad1234; 06-24-2020 at 03:25 PM.
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