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  • #31
    Originally posted by Mother View Post
    Typical abuser's behavior. Was he like this from the very beginning or it transpired later into your relationship?
    hindsight is always 20/20 but at the time I didn't see the signs, but I do now. At the start it was he said he loved me and that he thought my parents didn't want us to be together (true, but if they would have not interfered I would have never moved out but that's a long story) so he and I moved into a place together just a few months before I turned 20. I loved him and had the whole "us against the world mentality" going on and he used that. After about 6 months of living together I wasn't happy.

    He asked me who gave me a purple my little pony stuffy. I answered honestly that it was an ex boyfriend. He told me to get rid of it and I asked why. His reponse was get rid of it, put it away or he would get rid of it. I put in in a box in the back of the closet and thought that was good enough. I came home from work the next day and the closet was torn apart and I found the stuffy in the garbage. He had used a knife to cut it to pieces and opened a can of beans and poured that on top.

    I saw that and that was it, I was going to leave. I packed some stuff and was walking out of the bedroom, he said that I couldn't leave him and I said after what he did, how could I stay? Before I could react, he punched me in the face and sent me flying back. I was in shock and he came over to me saying how sorry he was and he didn't know what came over him etc etc. I believed that he didn't mean it, how could he, we were in love. Boy was I wrong. It started slowly but I was always to blame.

    In later years I found out from a guy I was dating (who knew my ex from their work) that my ex was found guilty of assaulting another woman and was required to attend anger management. I was shown the article in the paper so I know it was true. Not sure if he abused all the women he lived with before and after me but I have a feeling he did.

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    • #32
      Thank the Lord that you are out of that relationship.

      I saw no early warning signs. I was into the marriage approx. 10 yrs when my nose was broken. Of course I held myself partially to blame. My son saw the whole thing at the time and was there when the police came. 10 yrs later my ex lost control and threw our son across a marble entry way resulting in a broken wrist. Fast forward another 10 yrs and I was recipient of a punch in the face in a grocery store. After that it was quite terrifying. Being cornered frequently, clutching my "emergency pack" while huddled in a bathroom talking to the 911 operator. Thankfully the police did take it seriously and removed him from the home on several occasions. I finally came to my senses and locked him out of house and filed for divorce. Only one friend knew what had happened. I still find it difficult to talk about. When I did bring it up in a conversation with some people I knew they were very surprised as they always thought he was a "nice, easygoing guy." Yeah he was - if you didn't upset him

      I hope he is in a happier place today and that if something sets him off again there is no one around.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by arabian View Post
        Thank the Lord that you are out of that relationship.

        I saw no early warning signs. I was into the marriage approx. 10 yrs when my nose was broken. Of course I held myself partially to blame. My son saw the whole thing at the time and was there when the police came. 10 yrs later my ex lost control and threw our son across a marble entry way resulting in a broken wrist. Fast forward another 10 yrs and I was recipient of a punch in the face in a grocery store. After that it was quite terrifying. Being cornered frequently, clutching my "emergency pack" while huddled in a bathroom talking to the 911 operator. Thankfully the police did take it seriously and removed him from the home on several occasions. I finally came to my senses and locked him out of house and filed for divorce. Only one friend knew what had happened. I still find it difficult to talk about. When I did bring it up in a conversation with some people I knew they were very surprised as they always thought he was a "nice, easygoing guy." Yeah he was - if you didn't upset him

        I hope he is in a happier place today and that if something sets him off again there is no one around.
        oh yes they are always wonderful to other people. They just didn't know what mr wonderful was like behind closed doors. Glad you found the courage to escape also. Its not easy to make that final break, but thanks to my friends (not so much my parents, all they could do was the whole we were right etc stuff, not supportive at all plus they became best buddies with him after, another long story lol) I rebuilt my life.

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        • #34
          Typical abusers' behaviour. There are variations but all the same in that they feel entitled to abuse others, and not be responsible. The physical abuse happened many decades ago and I was in serious denial for all those decades. Finally came out after having clarity and realizing that none of the abuse was my fault.

          He did not have any friends, although he came across as a great guy to a lot of people as he could very easily present himself as a caring and charming person to others..a facade he could put on whenever he wanted to. He simply did not/could not be close to people, including me. He virtually ignored our kids. In time I was isolated from family and friends and he became my world.

          One of the things that hurt the most was that he took great pleasure in hurting me with his words and actions. He would smirk and make sure I would see his grinning face when he was "successful". Shortly before I left, I told him that he would never see me cry again. I have kept that promise.

          Gosh, I could write a book. I'm now re-establishing my relations with my family and friends. It's a great life.

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          • #35
            I was married to a "smirker" as well. He still smirks at me when I see him in court.

            His smirking doesn't bother me anymore. I know it's just a feeble attempt at him trying to put on a brave face.

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            • #36
              Lost for words except: I am sooo not alone... Sad.

              But we are kinda "friends" now with my ex.

              Comment


              • #37
                Originally posted by caranna View Post
                Typical abusers' behaviour. There are variations but all the same in that they feel entitled to abuse others, and not be responsible. The physical abuse happened many decades ago and I was in serious denial for all those decades. Finally came out after having clarity and realizing that none of the abuse was my fault.

                He did not have any friends, although he came across as a great guy to a lot of people as he could very easily present himself as a caring and charming person to others..a facade he could put on whenever he wanted to. He simply did not/could not be close to people, including me. He virtually ignored our kids. In time I was isolated from family and friends and he became my world.

                One of the things that hurt the most was that he took great pleasure in hurting me with his words and actions. He would smirk and make sure I would see his grinning face when he was "successful". Shortly before I left, I told him that he would never see me cry again. I have kept that promise.

                Gosh, I could write a book. I'm now re-establishing my relations with my family and friends. It's a great life.
                What an admirable woman you are caranna. Your posts keep me in perspective....if you can walk tall, hold your head up high and feel great about yourself after what you've been through, we all can.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                  hindsight is always 20/20 but at the time I didn't see the signs, but I do now.

                  In later years I found out from a guy I was dating (who knew my ex from their work) that my ex was found guilty of assaulting another woman and was required to attend anger management. I was shown the article in the paper so I know it was true. Not sure if he abused all the women he lived with before and after me but I have a feeling he did
                  .
                  It makes me sad to read these posts - so many of us with similar stories. When I finally had enough of the abuse and pressed charges, my Ex was removed from our home. I later found out that he had quite a history of violence, in trouble at school for bullying, teenage delinquency and several criminal charges all relating to violent behavior.

                  If only I had done the research before getting involved with him rather than after .... As for anger management classes they are helpful only if the person admits to having a problem to begin with. My Ex will never do that - he blames his parents, society and everyone else for his lack of control.
                  I'm so very thankful to be free of him ... whatever the cost.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
                    What an admirable woman you are caranna. Your posts keep me in perspective....if you can walk tall, hold your head up high and feel great about yourself after what you've been through, we all can.
                    MS Mom, I had no other choice. If I wanted to spend the rest of my life being bitter and feeling sorry for myself, I knew it would be even worse hell then what I had emerged from, in the marriage.

                    The to be ex has been making matters difficult, as right from the start he has been uttering and sending letters containing malicious lies about me, to my family and business acquaintances. I haven't lied about him, and have no intention of doing what he has done to me. He has also stone-walled the legal matters. Earlier this year, out of the blue, he sent me a threatening letter. I called the police and they advised him that he could be arrested should he do it again.

                    Two years ago, I heard from my former car dealer that the to be ex and his brother went to see him and said some not so nice things about me.

                    Today there was a happening... I think a vindication, thank God, for some of the nastiness I have had to endure.

                    I had an appointment to speak to my present car dealer (at another business), wanting to sell my car for extra funds. He had a lot of $$ to gain from selling it, but informed me that it was not in my best interests to sell it at this time.

                    Since I'll be away for many months, and the parking lot of my apartment needs to be plowed during the winter/spring months, and having no-one to move my car, he offered to do this, at no cost or obligation. He said he wouldn't use it for any other means, just to move it when it needs plowing.

                    This car dealership is known for treating their customers above and beyond, but I was overwhelmed at his generosity and kindness. Thank God for giving me people who have been so wonderful and concerned for me throughout this long journey. I feel truly blessed.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Good news for you Caranna. Be sure to advise your insurance company of the arrangement you have made so this kind gentleman is covered under your plan while you are away.

                      Good to hear things are working out for you and you are able to spend the winter sans snow. Enjoy the sun and hopefully next year you can refer to him as your X rather than your soon to be ex.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by arabian View Post
                        Good news for you Caranna. Be sure to advise your insurance company of the arrangement you have made so this kind gentleman is covered under your plan while you are away.

                        Good to hear things are working out for you and you are able to spend the winter sans snow. Enjoy the sun and hopefully next year you can refer to him as your X rather than your soon to be ex.
                        Legally not much going on as yet far as I know. I will know more about matters near the end of this month, but I'm continuing to move on.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          My ex said I was emotionally abusive because I missed her birthday and didn't take her to California (I never went either) - women of nowadays are quite petty and divorce is frivolous.

                          It breaks my heart to hear about abusive relationships, I cringe when I see any sort of abusive relationship and I often will comment or intervene. I'm happy to say my 8yr old son has taken this habit after me and he actually he told his teacher that an autistic Grade 4 child was being picked on (he is in Grade 2) and the teacher went and dealt with it.
                          Last edited by Links17; 11-20-2013, 11:11 AM.

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                            My ex said I was emotionally abusive because I missed her birthday and didn't take her to California (I never went either) - women of nowadays are quite petty and divorce is frivolous.
                            ^^^^ Hmm, unfounded generalization much?

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                            • #44
                              Originally posted by stripes View Post
                              ^^^^ Hmm, unfounded generalization much?
                              Well statistically:
                              -Women intitiate divorce (66%+ of the time) = so my target is women

                              -My assertion is that the top reasons initiate divorce are "soft reasons" . i.e: growing apart, affection etc... I believe that those reasons are frivolous if there is a will to change or recognition of how large a problem they are in the grand scheme of things and also weighed against the alternative impact against children, future partner being worse etc....

                              Obviously, everybody can do as they please but we shouldn't as a society accept that people's idiotic decisions be considered "correct/ethical" decisions and then further validate other stupid decisions based on them.

                              _____________

                              I will provide support for my argument soon. I might be wrong and probably I am bias but I think my argument is valid and supportable.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Women do initiate the legal steps for divorce more often than men, but women also initiate referrals for couples therapy, marriage counselling, and other measures in much larger numbers than men. Does this mean women work harder to save the marriage than men? Impossible to say

                                There are obviously individuals who enter into marriages and divorces without thinking about what will come next or how this will impact their lives, but I don't think they're the majority, and I don't think they're mainly of one gender or the other.

                                I'm a woman who initiated a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and I can assure you it was the least frivolous decision in my life. It was also the only ethical choice, as the alternative was to have my daughter grow up in a toxic, dysfunctional environment. I did everything I could to save the marriage - counselling, individual and couples therapy, endless reading, negotiation and compromise - before I pulled the pin.

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