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  • Shared Parenting Situation

    Hey all,

    This site really does have some great posters, and the knowledge is top notch I have to admit. Much thanks for all the advice Ive recieved thus far.

    I am a single father, my son was born into bad circumstances. I had an extremely ambivolent relationship with his mother, maybe having seen her approximately 10 times over 4 years. We were never in a relationship, common law or anything.

    She got pregnant. I think she was trying to get a relationship, and I think she got pregnant on purpose, however I know that i cant prove this, and they have 0 relevance to the problem at hand.

    When she found out there wasnt going to be a relationship, she wanted me out of this childs life. Started making up accusations, Im a drunk, Im a drug addict, the list goes on.

    I started saving all her texts before the child was born.

    I did not see her during her pregnancy because in all honesty I didnt believe her. She has a history of crying pregnant, somehow seemed to think she was my boss after she was pregnant, wanted me to lie to her parents about using a condom etc. I told her up front I wanted a paternity test, saying we should do a prenatal one. She refused, so i said then all things wait until the child is born.

    Then she told me to take a hike. Needless to say my belief factor was not very high.

    I kept an open door for 9 months, however just prior to the birth I began to save her texts. Things like "her number one reason she wants me out of this childs life is my friend (she had told my friend she was pregnant which wasnt true. When she didnt get a relationship she ran around saying he beat her up).

    Had a hard time getting her to take a paternbity test. When it came back i was the dad...but she also admitted to having been stressed about the results...confirming my suspicions all along that she didnt know.

    She imposed supervised visitation without a court order, has been extremely difficult to deal with, being unfair, has denied access, broken a court order, tried making it difficult on my mother to see the child. Been extremely manipulative, even adjourning a court date for a medical reason I had never been apprised of and even then only first showed up on doctors reports 5 days after the court date was put off. She will not let anyone meet her parents whom she lives with. My last name is on my childs birth certificate, however she doesnt list my last name on his medical file. Also would not give me the medical numbers and had to have it wrote in a court order just to get them. She has said negative things about me in front of the child, and about my mother. Last but not least, I even had to go to court just to pay support.

    After a first stage psych evaluation, the evaluator listed that she had problems with conflict, respect, using inflammatory language, should see a counsellor regarding her feelings for me and that she could not take responsibility for her actions. She listed that I was calm and respectful.

    Theres lots more, but this is the facts. We are scheduled to undergo a bilateral assessment.

    My question is this;

    What are the chances of obtaining shared parenting under these auspices?

    I believe its good for the child to have exposure to a more normal set of circumstances and a stable individual in his life, moreso than just for visits. At this point I dont believe in going for full custody (pending the report anyways), as I believe both parents/extended families should be in his life as much as possible. We live close enough that he could easily go to the same school and when hes older I can drive him to his friends places and pick him up etc. I dont go out of my way to talk to his mother because of her volatility and anger, but I do talk to her about parenting issues via email, although not in detail. I was even setting up my own appointments with the doctor to stay in the loop.

    I really want to be in my sons life, more so than a weekend dad or a wallet, and i do truly believe he would benefit from having more exposure to me than a mid week visit and every second weekend.

    I truly think shared parenting is best for everyone (she will be going back to school/work or so she says at some point and that will take up a lot of her time, time I could devote to my child) as it provides maximum exposure, and again, although it isnt relevant, I have heard from a few people that her parents raised her other child. Pending the outcome of the assessment, or any violence

    Has anyone else been in this situation and can comment? Does anyone have any tips for obtaining shared parenting?

    Thanks in advance,

  • #2
    I have seen a lawyer, and have been going through court for over a year now.

    Who wouldve thought it wouldve ever been so hard to do the right thing and try to ensure your child has a father.

    What I admitted to was using marijuana about every 2 weeks, however I volunteered a random drug test and passed, and have not smoked any in 9 months.

    As for the alcohol, my lawyer said its not that big an issue....I admitted to using alcohol about 2-3 times a week (variable amounts, maybe a 6 pack on a Friday night, maybe a glass of wine with a steak on Wednesdays). What I have been apprised of is the fact that it needs to be proven how it impacts my parenting.

    I have plenty of texts and emails. I have texts saying I cant see him. I have texts where she will not accept child support. I have texts of her telling my mother to stay away. Texts saying 'take my offer or disappear'. Facebook shots of things she was posting in the public domain...including telling me to take pictures of my child down. I have emails where she sends me for no apparent reason other than to get mad, I have her saying things like "youll be arrested" if the child is not back on time.

    Even after all the animosity and the resistance, Im not mad...but she does display some extremely shocking behaviour, and I do believe this behaviour impacts every part of her life. I honestly do not think she is in control. Shes impulsive, doesnt seem to understand the effect her actions have on anyone around her, chronically angry, aggressive etc. etc. I do not think this good for my child to be exposed to. On top of that, she seems to be constantly unemployed and would not take a drug test when I did.

    I believe going forward the real problem is going to be parental alienation, the seeds feel like theyve already been sown but then again Im no expert. However I have seen a smear campaign against myself and 2 other people I know, there seem to be major issues when people see right through her.

    I am very concerned regarding the way my child is to be raised, there have been some serious red flags raised with regards to behaviour and massive control issues, breaking court orders, manipulating the situation and stability.

    I might have smoked the odd joint, but given my child has no exposure to it I just cant help but think the system is a bit harsh on some of the criteria they judge you on, while other factors are seemingly given free reign.

    Who knows, its my first time going through court, or being a dad.

    Comment


    • #3
      I seriously don't think smoking a joint here and there is a big deal, not a great choice maybe but should not preclude you in any way of being a great father. I have some really, really close friends who smoke (not in front of me anymore) and those two are some of the best family people I've ever seen in action. The drinking again is pretty moderate in my opinion although I've been to enough briefings in the military to know that it is considered a problem. Again, should not be a determining factor in your ultimate success to be a full-time father if that is your choice, one I highly encourage.

      Read the forum, do your homework, work at being as constructive as possible in your dealings with court and your ex - all in the best interest of the children. Read, read, read! Don't let anyone ever tell you that can't be the best father possible to your son, get your ass in gear.

      Comment


      • #4
        [QUOTE ]I do not think this good for my child to be exposed to. On top of that, she seems to be constantly unemployed and would not take a drug test when I did[/QUOTE]

        I am very concerned regarding the way my child is to be raised, there have been some serious red flags raised with regards to behaviour and massive control issues, breaking court orders, manipulating the situation and stability.
        I might have smoked the odd joint, but given my child has no exposure to it I just cant help but think the system is a bit harsh on some of the criteria they judge you on, while other factors are seemingly given free reign.
        Drop the "my child".

        And I wouldn't be keen on shared parenting with a parent who exposes "my child" to soft drugs or a 6pack of beer 3 nights a week.
        Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

        Comment


        • #5
          I wasn't using the 'my child' in the sense that I was conveying ownership.

          I have no plans to expose the child to any intoxicants whatsoever, hence why I quit smoking pot and passed a drug test. I also don't drink three six packs a week, and I certainly wouldn't drink a drop during my parenting time.

          I have no arrest, criminal convictions or anything whatsoever pertaining to substance abuse.

          The child is 18 months old, and my request was to work up to shared parenting by the time they are 5, I think this is quite reasonable as I have taken 2 parenting classes, I have a good job and have always paid the support in full and on time.

          The court system is extremely adversarial with lots of issues blown completely out of proportion to get an "edge" it seems. I heard so many stories about dads running off on their children that I guess I'm just slightly aghast the amount of friction that's been put up against me for trying to take responsibility and do the right thing here.

          Comment

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