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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 03-23-2016, 06:08 PM
SadAndTired SadAndTired is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
Just here discussing things S&T. Not over analyzing. ...not being crazy worried.....just a discussion. Relax.
Me too....
  #12  
Old 03-23-2016, 06:17 PM
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LovingFather32 LovingFather32 is offline
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Me too....
Thanks for your input. LF32 is a neurotic, worrying mess. I appreciate your advice.

I hope your Easter is fantastic. You're a good person.
  #13  
Old 03-23-2016, 08:14 PM
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Thanks for your input. LF32 is a neurotic, worrying mess. I appreciate your advice.

I hope your Easter is fantastic. You're a good person.
Why are you being so dramatic?

You are an EA with much behavioural experience. You don't need advice on how to handle a four year old with separation anxiety or manipulative behaviours. Either you buy into them or deal with them.

You need advice on how to:

a) Deal with your ex.

My advice was to butt out. Your ex will never have the "good, responsible discussion" you want her to. Stop expecting her to behave/act/choose differently. You cannot convince her and make things worse by engaging her. Move on!

b) Deal with your feelings, emotions and reactions to her.

My advice was to examine your own reactive behaviour and your worry that D4's entire school experience would be affected by your ex. The school will address attendance issue at an age when they feel it is important and relevant. Grade one/age 6.
  #14  
Old 03-23-2016, 09:41 PM
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It sounds like you're doing the right things already, just keep on doing them. Friendly but firm - Dad goes to work and Kid goes to school, and at the end of the day everybody comes home, and that's how it is. Big hug, bye-bye, and don't respond to the tears and crying.

I would not put much stock in what Kid says Mom is saying, or discuss this with Mom. You've only got a four-year-old's word for what's going on, and even if Kid is an absolutely accurate reporter, Mom isn't likely to change her behaviour if she's convinced she's right. Concentrate on what you can control - your time with Kid - and try not to overthink what Mom is doing/saying.

Remember also that this kind of behaviour is very common in kids starting school even from two-parent homes, so it may have nothing to do with Kid's parents being divorced. It's heart-wrenching as a parent to see your kid howling and crying, but it is normal. If you are comfortable with the school and the programme, just treat this as a developmental phase which will pass.
  #15  
Old 03-23-2016, 09:50 PM
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There are only a few months left in the school year. Before you know it summer will be here. Your daughter will then be in mandatory grade 1 correct?

I'd focus on summer plans now. Tell daughter to "suck it up buttercup" - "school is something you will be doing for a veryyyyyy long time." Then I'd jokingly throw yourself on the floor and bang and say while pounding your fists in the ground..."I don't want to go to work tomorrow...I don't want to go to work tomorrow." I used this approach with my son on some things and it diffused the drama.

In other words I'd try to make the situation fun.
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Old 03-23-2016, 10:11 PM
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Just document. Did the judge not say she needs to go to School? Your ex is pathetic.
  #17  
Old 03-23-2016, 10:30 PM
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I believe the judge stated that his ex should get a job and to do this the child should be in school (LF will correct me if I'm wrong).

I think it probably comes down to money. If his ex can convince her social worker that she can't go to work because she has to stay home with daughter then her benefits will continue?

Always about money with people like this - never about best interests of the child. Total welfare-mentality.
  #18  
Old 03-23-2016, 11:44 PM
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Just be firm with your daughter, tell her that all children should go to school so they can learn interesting and important things and have good jobs as adults. All the other kids in her class to go school, they don't stay home with a parent. School is normal for kids. Yes, her mother and grandmother may stay home all day, but people who work can have nicer homes and afford more fun things and help more people.

Document every absence on your ex's time, and journal every instance of her talking about her mother's non-supportive attitude towards school. You know your ex is doing this to manipulate the situation to get herself home with the child every day again. Don't even mention it to your ex, just keep reinforcing school with your daughter.

If your ex doesn't give up, initiate a motion to change custody to you, so that your child can be reliably brought to school every day.
  #19  
Old 03-24-2016, 01:08 AM
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I agree with most responses. Don't worry about what the ex is doing. Her week is hers and your is yours. Your daughter goes to school ( your the boss ). And what happens when she is with the ex is her business. All you do is watch them smile when they are with you, that's all that matters. As for the ex let her be. Don't or try not to worry about what she does.
  #20  
Old 03-24-2016, 10:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
I believe the judge stated that his ex should get a job and to do this the child should be in school (LF will correct me if I'm wrong).

I think it probably comes down to money. If his ex can convince her social worker that she can't go to work because she has to stay home with daughter then her benefits will continue?

Always about money with people like this - never about best interests of the child. Total welfare-mentality.
Yes the order states that she seek employment. Job bank's full of job right now. But we won't get on that topic Arabian because I think it will be another "butt out" and "stop trying to control ex" stuff. lol

Not really trying to control her .. just sucks that a) I have the child 50/50 and pay for pretty much everything but still pay full table child support while she's in school full time .. while ex sits on Welfare. But it's true .. none of my business (just my bank account's).. although it's the courts business as it is in the order.

I went over one of Taykens recent posts about WorkingDad (the protection of costs thing) and I love where the judge wrote "The mother has no reason to be not seeking employment and remaining on Welfare".

All I can do now is what I've been doing all along .. which is making school positive, providing coping strategies, encouragement, etc and remind her that life isn't about sitting around a house collecting free money from different sources (obviously not saying the free money thing or portraying mom in a negative fashion). I'm super happy that my family and I model that for her on a daily basis on my parenting time.

My ex actually told me "Well, if we were still together then I assume you'd be working and I'd be available at home in case D4 needs me"? Huh? :-)

In the end all I can do is make sure I do things right and teach adaptive, healthy lifestyle stuff/emotional regulation, etc on my time.

Good news is ex and I are extremely civil, kind to one another and everything is going smooth aside from her attempting to make school a negative experience, making her feel guilty for going and modelling how to milk the system instead of working for a living. All I can do is pray that D4 decides to model our lifestyle instead of the other.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 03-24-2016 at 10:57 AM.
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