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  • Dad will help other Dads

    I have been in court for 3 years. I have joint access and joint custody. Still fighting for another year over money. My ex is the typical ex with the axe to grind. And the system is helping her all along the way.

    When I am done, I am working on a book to help fathers. I am also working towards getting the Divorce Laws reformed. It is just pure bullsh*t.

    The system is wrong.

    I will try to help any father I can. Sorry mom, you have enough help already. BTW, I am not against mom's - just the system and people (mom's) who use it to be vindictive.

  • #2
    DecentDad,

    I sense an aura of Maturity about you. You in a sense have been around the block so to say.

    There was a thread about Minefields ... basically things to expect and how to avoid ... you'd be considered a 'guru' in this.

    We would love to hear more about your experiences and what you have learned over the course of the years.

    You have much to say ... we are all ears and I know you'll be a fantastic contributing member. We're all about helping one another in all aspects of the divorce process.

    Welcome aboard DD.

    Hubby

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Decent Dad
      I will try to help any father I can. Sorry mom, you have enough help already. BTW, I am not against mom's - just the system and people (mom's) who use it to be vindictive.
      I just want to emphasise that these forums are here to help and support everyone, whether you're a man or a woman. Regardless of what the "system" may or may not be like, divorce is difficult on everyone and going through a messy family law case is no picnic, whether you're female or male.
      Ottawa Divorce

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi Jeff I agree you this forum is to help both husband and wife, understand the legal system and to try to get support from one another. However, being a dad that's going through the most difficult time of my life, it brings comfort in hearing what is said from others people perspective.
        I am following apart, can’t sleep, and can’t concentrate, on the verge of loosing my job. It's been a living hell for the last 11 months and I haven’t even attended my case conference. It is scheduled February 22. My wife left me about 11 months ago, she took my kids and they’re clothing and nothing else. I'm still in the home while she went and lived in subsidized housing. I have tried to make her offers to settle with no response from her lawyer. They believe I' not disclosing everything, I have supplied them with my financials but that does not seem to be enough. I been paying child support, Have yet to start paying spousal support, which I'm sure the judge will award her on February case conference. I’m just so afraid I will financially be ruined which in effect might kill me. I have read several posts where the women as recieved 60 percent of the husband’s income. How those the law expect the man to live. I feel I will end up on some corner begging for money, it's so unfair that spousal support can be indefinite. What is being done about this? I agree with supporting my children, but to have her use the system to stay home is ridiculous. Don't judges recognize that it destroys a man ability to work? I make rough between $50,000. To $55,000. After all my deductions I'm left with a take home pay of roughly 1300.00 every two weeks. If I'm paying her 1650.00 how am I supposed to live? Welfare might be the only way to go. There needs to be changes made immediately. Either spouse should be responsible for them self’s. It is fine to cry to blues, but realty is most guys are just not making ends meet. I don't know how I could start my life over with this burden of spousal support. It is much too high. Just my thoughts.

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        • #5
          Just to add to the last statement. On of my wifes friends just told me if he fights me for joint custody of the kids and is awarded onw week each or sole custody she will call children's aid and have them put into a foster home rather that have them with me. My kids cry when I call them because they want to see me. She tells me I have to ask her permission first. We don't even have a seperation agreement yet, other than what she worked out for herself. Every other weekend. Pick them up Saturday at 11:00 and drop them off Sunday at 8:00. Most Sundays my kids are crying because they want to stay with me. My ex went as far as telling my daughter you beter not say that you want to spend more time with your dad because I'll get mad. My daughter had made a comment to my ex saying it's not fair that dad see us two days and you see us twelve.. My heart bleeds. My eyes shed tears. The pain is to much to bear.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by FPI
            Just to add to the last statement. One of my wifes friends just told me if he fights me for joint custody of the kids and is awarded onw week each or sole custody she will call children's aid and have them put into a foster home rather that have them with me. My kids cry when I call them because they want to see me. She tells me I have to ask her permission first. We don't even have a seperation agreement yet, other than what she worked out for herself. Every other weekend. Pick them up Saturday at 11:00 and drop them off Sunday at 8:00. Most Sundays my kids are crying because they want to stay with me. My ex went as far as telling my daughter you beter not say that you want to spend more time with your dad because I'll get mad. My daughter had made a comment to my ex saying it's not fair that dad see us two days and you see us twelve.. My heart bleeds. My eyes shed tears. The pain is to much to bear.
            Is anyone else feeling this pain, what are you doing to stay alive.

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            • #7
              Yes we are most all experiencing the pain you are feeling and the sheer emotional abuse of using children as weapons. It is hard to watch societies endorsement of disenfranchising fathers in the vast majority of instances.This isn't just sour grapes it is fact across North America. Why is it acceptable to watch a parent perform a parentectomy on a child, if the parents are being divorced that doesn't mean the children should be divorced from one half of who they are in their physical and mental make-up. It is abuse plain and simple

              Comment


              • #8
                FPI
                You know how to get hold of me...feel free to use me as a sounding board and share your pain to lighten your burden. I promise to help you however I can to keep your grief in check but not to ignore it. Grief in your instance is real and must be felt, look for a good therapist and rely on friends and family as much as they can handle.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Jeff
                  I just want to emphasise that these forums are here to help and support everyone, whether you're a man or a woman. Regardless of what the "system" may or may not be like, divorce is difficult on everyone and going through a messy family law case is no picnic, whether you're female or male.
                  Jeff, this is your show and good discussion/debate is always preferred. And you are correct, divorces are messy, emotionally and financially draining.

                  But, unless I get kicked off this forum, I will post the way I see it. 90% of the posts by women here are about money and getting sole-custody (access). 90% of male posts here are about seeing their kids and surviving after being hit with huge payments/debt. And I will try to help the dads the best I can.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks for you incouragement Bearall and Decenddad. It is a tough battle that I'm facing, what the finally results will be only God knows at the moment.
                    I pray that somehow the law changes in the future and make each spouse responsible for his or her children. The way it is know men don't stand a chance from what I have read.
                    I Know after February Case Conference I will be devasted and most likely go into Severe Depression. I have my mom that’s really been there for me and I do get counselling. However, the pain is eating away at me. As I Wright this letters I look around my house and says to myself this is where my children were born, this is where they played, this was there home. She took that all away from them. WHY how much better can it be for her on the other side.
                    I strongly feel if the courts weren't so biased maybe some couples that split up might get back together. Thank you all for lisenting

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      being objective....

                      I find that being objective about what i know helps me..although my heads a mess over what has been happening..I know some things..this keeps me from getting to adversarial and negative towards my ex..This may help you..or you may think i am nuts...either way..here goes..
                      1-I own up to my share of our marriage issues...and I realise that I had my own issues that I need to ask forgivness for...

                      2-I know she`s a great Mom-- yes she has been funny about me being with the kids recently or even talking to them on the phone but...she carried them for nine months and has a connection just as strong as I do in my own way..and if I look at it objectively..she must have a reason in her own head... inother words shes talking and acting from the wound that this separation has created..I talk through mine....as well...

                      3-I know she`s normally very compassionate and that people cannot stay angry forever also..I know that she knows I love our kids... and our whole marriage was not a joke...she has told me in the past two weeks that she misses being out as a family...thats love and caring speaking..thats the past yes..but its still fond memories...

                      4- She has a fear-- for whatever reasons..my depression--whatever and I look at that as being very sad..I do not let anger get ahold of me..it clouds my judgement..

                      5-I am not going to change who i am as man..since I would be lying to myself and really give her good reason to go off the deep end...and hurt more....

                      I cannot begin to imagine where and what some of you have been through in your lives.. this is very sad..I agree that people can be cutthroat.. but you know what --at one point I and this "other" person were deeply committed to one another..and instead of making them my enemy..I will welcome their fears and I will not become the "classic" ex who hates and uses tactics to bait and lure....at least i will retain my self respect...and not allow myself to drown in anger...I love our kids.. yes OUR kids.. more than anything in the world..I have had a terribly time missing them...but I am, going to trust my instincts...and my patience..I will see them again..I will talk to them again.. and I intend fully..to be freinds with my ex..for us and more importantly our children.. peace is there--in front of me..I cannot see it...grasp it.. yet... for my eyes are clouded with tears and sadness...but I know that it is in front of me...I won`t be the classic...bitter ex..male..I can`t be.. I respect my wife..evcen though wev`e been apart...after all she did not marry me thinking we`d split up...theres a pice of that in there somewhere still....
                      I value each persons opinions...I am going to take the high road...
                      Thats my two cents....
                      Aden--trust me I am going through hell.. right now...I am a great Daddy...
                      but anger creates more turmoil..and not peace..
                      The other issue is..this is Jeff`s Site.. but he certainly does not run it as his show..it has been a huge help to me.. and I appreciate it....

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Aden, your children will grow up loving and admiring you for your stance in all of this.. and knowing you, and the kind of exceptional person you are, they will also grow up NOT knowing the mistakes their mother made throughout, because you are thoughtful enough of THEIR needs not to tell them. It really takes a strong moral character to put your personal pain secondary to your childrens' need to respect and cherish their Mom, and I admire you so for having that courage and decency. Kudos, to the highest degree, friend.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          FPI, Clearly, you are going through a lot of emotional issues with your separation, and I do hope you find the help and support you need; here, and through other avenues as well. I think it's wonderful that this site has such a good mix of men and women alike, so that we all can learn from one another's situations and hopefully gain some perspective from the "other" side of things. And of course, to have the benefit of some legally experienced minds.. it can only be a benefit, IMO.

                          I am curious, though.. with this statement..

                          Originally posted by FPI
                          ...I been paying child support, Have yet to start paying spousal support, which I'm sure the judge will award her on February case conference. I’m just so afraid I will financially be ruined which in effect might kill me. I have read several posts where the women as recieved 60 percent of the husband’s income. How those the law expect the man to live. I feel I will end up on some corner begging for money, it's so unfair that spousal support can be indefinite. What is being done about this? I agree with supporting my children, but to have her use the system to stay home is ridiculous. Don't judges recognize that it destroys a man ability to work? I make rough between $50,000. To $55,000. After all my deductions I'm left with a take home pay of roughly 1300.00 every two weeks. If I'm paying her 1650.00 how am I supposed to live?...
                          Are you saying that on a yearly income no greater than $55K, your CHILD support payments are $1650 per month? That's without spousal support? For goodness' sakes, how many kids do you have?

                          My understanding is that the guidelines are in place to try to ensure there is enough money to suffice for the custodial parent to support the childrens' needs, and here in Alberta, let me just tell you that the amount of child support my ex is required to pay leaves him with plenty. I don't know where you live, but to give you an idea of the situation here, my ex earned just over $75K in 2004, we have two children, and his child support is $1010 per month. His take home pay is generally over $3000 every two weeks. Bottom line: leaving our family of four has done nothing but increase his financial picture, and left me and the kids struggling. I really don't understand the vast difference between your picture and mine.. what am I missing?

                          Also, how old are your children? You mentioned that your ex wants to stay home as opposed to working, and I'm just wondering if all the kids are in school or not? And if so, why does she not want to work? Indefinate spousal support is another term you used that I wondered about? Is that simply what she has indicated to you? That she doesn't know for how long she'll want spousal? Or has your lawyer or a judge indicated they may grant spousal on an indefinate basis? I ask, because my lawyer tells me that although our children are only 2, I won't likely get support until they attend school full-time, so I have to stipulate and specify a particular amount of time that I am requesting it for. Finally, what (in anything) does your ex have in mind to help contribute to the expense of raising the kids? My understanding (and I could be incorrect in this) is that she may ask for spousal support, but along with stating for how long she's asking to receive it, she must specify her 'life plans' and how she intends to end up contributing to the financial expense of raising the kids. I put that in bold in the hopes that others may comment as well, because I'm really not sure that I have that information correct.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Just being honest..

                            Thank you Sasha , im just being honest.. I am sad but not angry.. we had agood marriage and I want to be able to salvage what is left to be freinds at least.. maybe others do not see it this way but the children need examples..I may not be around too much right now.. and there are many fresh issues.. but in the future our children deserve to have a Dad that respected what was going on ..no matter how sad or grief stricken I am...I am sure that my ex is going through her own issues with this as well...no one is untouched by hurt in any family in these cases..I see that now....
                            Thank you for the encouragement...I appreciate it....

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              One more thing...

                              I saw my wife give birth to both of our chidlren.. and I coached her through both of them.. with little help from the nurses etc...one day..she will remember the bond we share as parents..one day she will be without anger and hurt...and on that day..she will realize that she is still my hero..for i will be there for her on that day..to call her my freind...even after all that has happened...this life is tooshort to waste on hatred and anger.......
                              You all may think i am crazy...for what I am going through..but hurt travels alot less if bolstered with love and understanding...
                              If I act like a "cliche" then I will become a cliche......
                              Thanks again...for all the support...good luck to you guys...
                              I like Hubbys "Fight fire with water" --\
                              Peace.

                              Comment

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