Hi guys,
I am so happy to have found this website - great advice on here!
I'm trying to determine how strong (if any) of an argument I have against a 50/50 ruling; no court proceedings have begin yet; here are the details:
* Ex and I had managed to coparent semi-reasonably for the past 2+ years; no court orders in place, no set parenting schedule, just agreeing on parenting dates a few days at a time
* I haven't ever asked him for child support because I knew he would do his best to make my life hell, so I just left it be
* I've always given him 50% of the CTB
* I've been off from work with our son (3.5 yrs) since his daycare closed at the end of March; he advised me that he simply could not take any time off of work - he's by no means a front-line worker; but it's been nice to be off with my son, so his loss nonetheless
* Despite that he usually ended up agreeing to see our son about 30-40% of the time, it's always felt like I'm pressuring him to have him; I'd given up on that about 5 months ago; my fear has always been how much it will hurt my son when he becomes old enough to see that he's not a priority for his father, and I'd thought that if he sees our son enough, that that would change
* I took a leave from work to care for our son while his daycare was closed due to COVID (which the father said I should have asked him for his ok to do...)
* Prior to me taking time off to care for our son, to cover in the absence of daycare, I was taking some unpaid time off, alternated by some days of his father having him at his house while he worked from home; his father was insistent that he simply could not get any time off, that he was needed at work
* At the very start of my leave, I asked him what he would like the parenting schedule to be, given the circumstances; he said 2 weekdays plus one weekend day (for a 24 hour period); I let him know that it would need to be the evenings only of the weekdays, given that my ex would be working during the daytime; he was fine with that
* We did that for 2 weeks; my son was an emotional disaster when I would get him home - not due to his father, I'm sure, but more due to him having trouble adjusting between the two households - he was usually fairly ok doing so prior to this, but it was suddenly not working very well for him, and I still don't know what changed; nonetheless, it was definitely not going well for him
* As a result, I suggested that we scale it back to 1 weeknight (3hrs) and then the 24hr period on the weekend; he didn't say no, he wrote back to confirm that he understood what I was suggesting (which he did), and so on we went with that schedule
* My son has been doing incredibly well with this schedule - he's now potty trained, he doesn't have meltdowns, and he seems to be developing quite well (I wish I could give more measurable results as proof)
* Enter the day that the Child Tax Benefit (CTB) comes out (7 weeks into the 1 weeknight, 1 24hr period on the weekend schedule); he asks if I'm going to send his half of the money; in response, I asked him if he thought that that made sense, given how little he'd had our son; he took this as me saying no, and things exploded; that day, he said he wanted our son 5 days a week and 1 additional night per week, adding that then I would have to pay him his half of April's CTB
* We always fought about finances (he would tell me that he didn't have money to pay for clothes for our son, but then he'd go out with friends to a bar or restaurant, etc - not big ticket items, granted, but when you're saying you can't provide $50-$75 for new clothing for your kid with the changing of the seasons, but you can afford to go out, it tells me your priorities aren't your child)
* He makes nearly $50k, so him telling me he has no money for clothes or a $15 haircut doesn't land with a lot of sympathy from me when I know he has it to spend on himself - I managed to capture a screenshot from Facebook where he had purchased a guitar (appx $1000) shortly after telling me that he had no money for clothes
* Bottom line here, and I sincerely hope that it's obvious to others on the outside, and from all of the messages I have from him, he only cares about the money, not about actually seeing his son - he was fine with the arrangement we'd had until he didn't get his 50%; beginning that day, he began stating that he never agreed to the agreement we'd had for the previous 7 weeks, and that I'm keeping our son from him
* I'm so sick of dealing with him and money that I called the CRA and updated my info to show split custody, rather than have any further discussions about that money with him, so that now, despite that I have our son much more than half the time, he will continue to receive his 50% and I had hoped that that would deter him (bear with me, you'll understand more in a moment)
* No such luck
* We went to mediation; I offered for him to not pay any child support, and a very small fraction of daycare costs (once reopened) as a financial incentive to let things lie as they had been for the previous (by that time) 10ish weeks, because my son was doing so well; given that he's so money-driven, I was shocked when he didn't accept it; he wants 50/50 custody
* After him giving me a hard time with returning our son at the normal time (ie, the same time that it's been since the end of March), and having made absolutely zero progress during mediation, I let him know that mediation was no longer an option, and that I would be moving forward with my lawyer
* My concerns with increasing his visitation are these: he can't be bothered to bathe our son (he has told me on numerous occasions that he requires 24hrs advance notice if he has to give him a bath), he doesn't want to contribute to him financially (haircuts, clothing), I'm not sure that he brushes his teeth, and he's only now motivated to see our son (more times in a week than he's ever done since our son was born), out of nowhere (magically starting the day I denied him funds...); from outside appearances, it appears to my boyfriend and I that he's motivated by 2 things - money, and wanting to impress his girlfriend
* He does not make our son a priority, and he has demonstrated that he does not have our son's best interest at heart - he made a suggestion of 1 week on, 1 week off visitation schedule; he couldn't care less that that is not age-appropriate - which he was told a previous time in mediation, by the mediator (much as I wish I didn't have to deal with him, my son would be devastated if he no longer saw him, so I'm looking for full custody, but with access).
The heart of my post is that I'm just trying to determine whether these things might be enough to have a judge consider not granting him 50% custody (in the absence of something as serious as abuse or drug use, for example).
I have all of our conversations in writing (I refuse to speak to him on the phone to ensure that I have everything in writing). I have in writing him complaining about having to dedicate 2 weeks of his yearly vacation time (he gets 4 weeks) to taking care of our son over the Christmas holidays while daycare is closed (vacation is seniority-based at my work and it is always fully booked before it's my turn to select my vacation time).
I've been told by 2 lawyers that, since there is now a status quo in place, I am within legal grounds to maintain it, despite daily harassment, from the ex, and I fully intend to do so
Daycare is about to reopen; he's now saying that he doesn't want our son to go to daycare due to COVID 19; based on several things he has said, I'm convinced that's only to save him daycare costs, but I don't know where I am legally in terms of whether I can send my son back to daycare despite my ex's 'concerns'
Looking forward to your thoughts!
I am so happy to have found this website - great advice on here!
I'm trying to determine how strong (if any) of an argument I have against a 50/50 ruling; no court proceedings have begin yet; here are the details:
* Ex and I had managed to coparent semi-reasonably for the past 2+ years; no court orders in place, no set parenting schedule, just agreeing on parenting dates a few days at a time
* I haven't ever asked him for child support because I knew he would do his best to make my life hell, so I just left it be
* I've always given him 50% of the CTB
* I've been off from work with our son (3.5 yrs) since his daycare closed at the end of March; he advised me that he simply could not take any time off of work - he's by no means a front-line worker; but it's been nice to be off with my son, so his loss nonetheless
* Despite that he usually ended up agreeing to see our son about 30-40% of the time, it's always felt like I'm pressuring him to have him; I'd given up on that about 5 months ago; my fear has always been how much it will hurt my son when he becomes old enough to see that he's not a priority for his father, and I'd thought that if he sees our son enough, that that would change
* I took a leave from work to care for our son while his daycare was closed due to COVID (which the father said I should have asked him for his ok to do...)
* Prior to me taking time off to care for our son, to cover in the absence of daycare, I was taking some unpaid time off, alternated by some days of his father having him at his house while he worked from home; his father was insistent that he simply could not get any time off, that he was needed at work
* At the very start of my leave, I asked him what he would like the parenting schedule to be, given the circumstances; he said 2 weekdays plus one weekend day (for a 24 hour period); I let him know that it would need to be the evenings only of the weekdays, given that my ex would be working during the daytime; he was fine with that
* We did that for 2 weeks; my son was an emotional disaster when I would get him home - not due to his father, I'm sure, but more due to him having trouble adjusting between the two households - he was usually fairly ok doing so prior to this, but it was suddenly not working very well for him, and I still don't know what changed; nonetheless, it was definitely not going well for him
* As a result, I suggested that we scale it back to 1 weeknight (3hrs) and then the 24hr period on the weekend; he didn't say no, he wrote back to confirm that he understood what I was suggesting (which he did), and so on we went with that schedule
* My son has been doing incredibly well with this schedule - he's now potty trained, he doesn't have meltdowns, and he seems to be developing quite well (I wish I could give more measurable results as proof)
* Enter the day that the Child Tax Benefit (CTB) comes out (7 weeks into the 1 weeknight, 1 24hr period on the weekend schedule); he asks if I'm going to send his half of the money; in response, I asked him if he thought that that made sense, given how little he'd had our son; he took this as me saying no, and things exploded; that day, he said he wanted our son 5 days a week and 1 additional night per week, adding that then I would have to pay him his half of April's CTB
* We always fought about finances (he would tell me that he didn't have money to pay for clothes for our son, but then he'd go out with friends to a bar or restaurant, etc - not big ticket items, granted, but when you're saying you can't provide $50-$75 for new clothing for your kid with the changing of the seasons, but you can afford to go out, it tells me your priorities aren't your child)
* He makes nearly $50k, so him telling me he has no money for clothes or a $15 haircut doesn't land with a lot of sympathy from me when I know he has it to spend on himself - I managed to capture a screenshot from Facebook where he had purchased a guitar (appx $1000) shortly after telling me that he had no money for clothes
* Bottom line here, and I sincerely hope that it's obvious to others on the outside, and from all of the messages I have from him, he only cares about the money, not about actually seeing his son - he was fine with the arrangement we'd had until he didn't get his 50%; beginning that day, he began stating that he never agreed to the agreement we'd had for the previous 7 weeks, and that I'm keeping our son from him
* I'm so sick of dealing with him and money that I called the CRA and updated my info to show split custody, rather than have any further discussions about that money with him, so that now, despite that I have our son much more than half the time, he will continue to receive his 50% and I had hoped that that would deter him (bear with me, you'll understand more in a moment)
* No such luck
* We went to mediation; I offered for him to not pay any child support, and a very small fraction of daycare costs (once reopened) as a financial incentive to let things lie as they had been for the previous (by that time) 10ish weeks, because my son was doing so well; given that he's so money-driven, I was shocked when he didn't accept it; he wants 50/50 custody
* After him giving me a hard time with returning our son at the normal time (ie, the same time that it's been since the end of March), and having made absolutely zero progress during mediation, I let him know that mediation was no longer an option, and that I would be moving forward with my lawyer
* My concerns with increasing his visitation are these: he can't be bothered to bathe our son (he has told me on numerous occasions that he requires 24hrs advance notice if he has to give him a bath), he doesn't want to contribute to him financially (haircuts, clothing), I'm not sure that he brushes his teeth, and he's only now motivated to see our son (more times in a week than he's ever done since our son was born), out of nowhere (magically starting the day I denied him funds...); from outside appearances, it appears to my boyfriend and I that he's motivated by 2 things - money, and wanting to impress his girlfriend
* He does not make our son a priority, and he has demonstrated that he does not have our son's best interest at heart - he made a suggestion of 1 week on, 1 week off visitation schedule; he couldn't care less that that is not age-appropriate - which he was told a previous time in mediation, by the mediator (much as I wish I didn't have to deal with him, my son would be devastated if he no longer saw him, so I'm looking for full custody, but with access).
The heart of my post is that I'm just trying to determine whether these things might be enough to have a judge consider not granting him 50% custody (in the absence of something as serious as abuse or drug use, for example).
I have all of our conversations in writing (I refuse to speak to him on the phone to ensure that I have everything in writing). I have in writing him complaining about having to dedicate 2 weeks of his yearly vacation time (he gets 4 weeks) to taking care of our son over the Christmas holidays while daycare is closed (vacation is seniority-based at my work and it is always fully booked before it's my turn to select my vacation time).
I've been told by 2 lawyers that, since there is now a status quo in place, I am within legal grounds to maintain it, despite daily harassment, from the ex, and I fully intend to do so
Daycare is about to reopen; he's now saying that he doesn't want our son to go to daycare due to COVID 19; based on several things he has said, I'm convinced that's only to save him daycare costs, but I don't know where I am legally in terms of whether I can send my son back to daycare despite my ex's 'concerns'
Looking forward to your thoughts!
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