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  • #16
    FB: My new partner had a lot of those types of issues when we first met.

    He'd get tense and apologize over odd things. Like once we went to the movies and only the front 1/4 of the theater was available and we sat there and he kept apologizing. I kept telling him the seats were great and after he told me that his ex would have had a meltdown.

    He also wasn't "allowed" to nap on weekends or to sleep late even though he worked a 50-60 hour workweek and had a business due to her spending habits. She used to nag the crap out of him and freak out all the time. Many times over things he had zero control over. Everything was an issue for her that he had to '"fix." He's a nice, docile, peace-loving guy so she just beat him down over time.

    It took a long time before he finally relaxed and didn't get tense in certain circumstances with me. He finds it really hard to believe that he put up with her crap for so long. I have the same feelings about my ex so it helps that I'm not dealing with it alone. It helps you heal when you have someone who understands what you've been through.

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    • #17
      Christmas will probably forever be bittersweet for me now. I got engaged at Christmastime. Why didn't I pick a more neutral day? Bleh. And then we broke up just before Christmastime. Double bleh. Now it's all a big balancing act about who should be where and when and with whom.

      And it used to be so hard to buy for my ex, and now I always see tons of things that would be perfect. Why is that?

      I sometimes wonder how weird I'll be in any subsequent relationship. This is coming up on year four of singleness for me, so not only do I not know how to be in a relationship where somebody is not manipulating me, I've gotten set in my ways alone now too. I feel like I'm a pretty straightforward person, but really, how would I know for sure?

      Not that meeting people is easy in my life, so maybe I won't ever have to worry about it.

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      • #18
        Funny, I'm the apologizer in my new relationship - I apologize for EVERYTHING, to the point where THAT pisses him off. And then I apologize for that :-/

        I don't have issues with Christmas or much of anything, I've often said when my ex and his things left, you really couldn't tell. The house was full of mine and the kids things, our daily routine never changed a bit. It was like he'd never been here at all. That was the saddest part of my marriage ending when I came to the realization that his leaving had little to no impact on our lives.

        I did, however, have a "moment" about a month ago. I was up late with insomnia and came across something I found incredibly hilarious, as I have a fairly warped sense of humour and of course wanted to share the laughs with friends. And then I realized he was THE only person that would 'get it'. I considered texting it to him anyways, but didn't. I still laughed my ass off, and then laughed my ass of picturing how he would have as well.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Rioe View Post
          Christmas will probably forever be bittersweet for me now. I got engaged at Christmastime. Why didn't I pick a more neutral day? Bleh. And then we broke up just before Christmastime. Double bleh. Now it's all a big balancing act about who should be where and when and with whom.

          And it used to be so hard to buy for my ex, and now I always see tons of things that would be perfect. Why is that?

          I sometimes wonder how weird I'll be in any subsequent relationship. This is coming up on year four of singleness for me, so not only do I not know how to be in a relationship where somebody is not manipulating me, I've gotten set in my ways alone now too. I feel like I'm a pretty straightforward person, but really, how would I know for sure?

          Not that meeting people is easy in my life, so maybe I won't ever have to worry about it.
          What like a wood chipper

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          • #20
            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post

            I don't have issues with Christmas or much of anything, I've often said when my ex and his things left, you really couldn't tell. The house was full of mine and the kids things, our daily routine never changed a bit. It was like he'd never been here at all. That was the saddest part of my marriage ending when I came to the realization that his leaving had little to no impact on our lives.
            This is exactly how it was for me too. Sad in hindsight I guess.

            I don't have issues at Christmas, except for missing my kids when they go with their dad. Christmas time generally gets celebrated all month and into January for us, with different friends/family in town on different days and various parties all through the month.

            My mom did almost call my new guy by my ex's name the other day, we all had a good laugh, but it was awkward lol

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            • #21
              I don't have issues with Christmas or much of anything, I've often said when my ex and his things left, you really couldn't tell. The house was full of mine and the kids things, our daily routine never changed a bit. It was like he'd never been here at all. That was the saddest part of my marriage ending when I came to the realization that his leaving had little to no impact on our lives.
              The biggest thing I noticed once I moved was how relaxed everyone was. Its hard to live for years with a rager...everyone is always so tense. Otherwise, it just seems these days like things are a lot easier...a lot less work. And I enjoy doing everything more. I've always liked domestic things but cooking and cleaning became a chore. Now I'm back to loving those things again.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                FB: My new partner had a lot of those types of issues when we first met.

                He'd get tense and apologize over odd things. Like once we went to the movies and only the front 1/4 of the theater was available and we sat there and he kept apologizing. I kept telling him the seats were great and after he told me that his ex would have had a meltdown.

                He also wasn't "allowed" to nap on weekends or to sleep late even though he worked a 50-60 hour workweek and had a business due to her spending habits. She used to nag the crap out of him and freak out all the time. Many times over things he had zero control over. Everything was an issue for her that he had to '"fix." He's a nice, docile, peace-loving guy so she just beat him down over time.

                It took a long time before he finally relaxed and didn't get tense in certain circumstances with me. He finds it really hard to believe that he put up with her crap for so long. I have the same feelings about my ex so it helps that I'm not dealing with it alone. It helps you heal when you have someone who understands what you've been through.
                This is pretty much exactly my situation. The person I'm seeing has also had experience with someone in their life who treats people like this. It is very difficult emotionally to accept the fact that someone might actually be nice and good for me. I just keep waiting for crazy to show up. It hasn't happened so far and I'm starting to put my guard down. Luckily I've been very honest with her regarding my feelings and my past and she understands and is very reassuring and supportive. I think I may have found a keeper.

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                • #23
                  So happy for you FB.

                  You see so many people (even here on this forum) that have experiences with bad exes. High-strung, angry, crazy, immature, drama-laden, etc...and it scars them for life in a way that they never really trust anyone else and recover from. They just spend the rest of their lives bitter, angry and cynical....thinking every person of the opposite gender is out to get them.

                  But not all people are the same. There are good people out there that really have your best interest at heart, who don't live to take advantage of others and who really want a real life partner.

                  I'm glad I didn't let a bad relationship with a bad guy ruin who I was and take away my hopes of having a happy future with a real partner. And I'm glad that you seem to be on the same track.

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                  • #24
                    By the way, don't be surprised if you get a ramp-up in drama from your ex if she finds out you're in any kind of serious relationship.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                      By the way, don't be surprised if you get a ramp-up in drama from your ex if she finds out you're in any kind of serious relationship.
                      I am well aware that it will happen. She has not yet met my kids after two months for this exact reason. I would like her to meet my kids at some point I just have no idea how to go about doing that. My ex is an emotional wreck right now. She calls me several times most days, I let them all go to voicemail. Occasionally she leaves messages crying about total crap. I delete them and ignore them.

                      I'm actually scared to introduce her to my kids for this very reason and I've told her that and she gets it and is in no way pressuring the situation. I don't care what she does to me, I'm more worried what she will do to the kids trying to get information and how that will affect them.

                      It's sad that the relationship is over yet I still feel so restricted by her. Again thinking of my kids and not me. This also gives me a great deal of stress.

                      Anyway if you have any suggestions they'd be greatly appreciated.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                        So happy for you FB.

                        You see so many people (even here on this forum) that have experiences with bad exes. High-strung, angry, crazy, immature, drama-laden, etc...and it scars them for life in a way that they never really trust anyone else and recover from. They just spend the rest of their lives bitter, angry and cynical....thinking every person of the opposite gender is out to get them.
                        Sadly that's true ... After 27 years of doing my best to get along with a very angry-controlling man, I know for a fact that I am scarred. I'm in therapy and dealing with the aftermath of long-term violence. I have serious trust issues and have not even attempted dating ... it scares the beegesus out of me. A lot of people never recover - the 'damaged-goods' mentality is hard to shake off. I"m not bitter or even angry, just very afraid of taking a look outside of my comfort zone.

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                        • #27
                          She has not yet met my kids after two months for this exact reason.
                          2 months is still pretty early...although I'm sure you have a good idea that you've met the right person. I'd probably wait it out a bit more. One thing I would suggest is don't do it in your home at first. Outings, like a movie, would probably be more prudent at first in case the kids have any kind of territorial reaction since it was the home you lived in with your ex.

                          I'm actually scared to introduce her to my kids for this very reason and I've told her that and she gets it and is in no way pressuring the situation. I don't care what she does to me, I'm more worried what she will do to the kids trying to get information and how that will affect them.
                          You're worried for good reason. My ex interrogated my kid to the point that she was extremely stressed out. When she wouldn't answer him, he'd yell at her and told her she was lying for me. It was a big problem early on and still flares up. Recently, he got ticked off about my partner being at my house (who knows why) and tried to change my kid's bus pickup and dropoff to his house....then freaked out on her. I had to leave work early and go to the school, bring copies of my SA, deal with some crazy emails of him calling me every name in the book, etc. My D refused to go over to his house for a few days. And I've been with my new partner for over 3 years. He regularly sends me emails talking about the pack of guys that I date even though he's well aware that I'm in a serious relationship and have been since we separated. Lol, the crazy never ends.

                          It didn't help that my new guy is more successful and more educated than my ex....that just totally pissed him off. Expect that from your ex too...she'll be comparing herself to whomever you're dating and if she doesn't "win" the comparison, it takes the crazy to a whole new level.

                          Luckily, my kids are older. My ex doesn't speak to the oldest one at all and the younger is a teen. So she's dealing with things at a certain maturity level. Your kids are younger and so posters with younger children will have better advice on how to handle things.

                          It's sad that the relationship is over yet I still feel so restricted by her. Again thinking of my kids and not me. This also gives me a great deal of stress.
                          Exactly. I can't tell you how to handle things...especially due to your kid's ages...but I can tell you that I REFUSE to let my ex screw around with my life too much. In fact, I'm pissed off that I have to deal with his stupidity at all. I've had a lot of emails with cut & pastes from my SA, copied to my lawyer and have had to threaten court action a couple times.

                          I tried the "being reasonable" route....it probably won't work for you either. At one point early on, I told him that my new bf would be more than glad to meet him so that he knew who he was and my ex told me "oh that will never f'ing happen. He won't be near my kid." And he's continued the hostility to this day. Luckily, I find most of it pretty easy to ignore and our blended family seems to be working amazingly well. I just ignore him and concentrate on helping my kid through any trauma. The kids end up walking a tightrope. In the end, exes like this do a lot of damage to the relationship they share with the kids but in the process, they cause their ex-partner a lot of grief.

                          The only thing I can tell you is that you're doing the right things especially by ignoring her calls. I've always compared living with my ex as living in a crazy house. You start living crazy too so that can reason with them at their level. When you finally get out of that...never let yourself get pulled back down to their level ever again. Don't let your ex's nutty behavior make you change what you're doing. While you have a right to privacy, I wouldn't coddle her by hiding or involving the kids in hiding anything. My kid was old enough that I could tell her not to lie to her father but that she was free to keep private things at my house private and vice versa. Its truly a tough balance and it won't be easy to figure out.

                          Also every time your ex has a life event, the nonsense will increase...lol. Sorry I wish I had better news for you.
                          Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 12-18-2013, 12:46 PM.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by FB_ View Post
                            I'm actually scared to introduce her to my kids for this very reason and I've told her that and she gets it and is in no way pressuring the situation. I don't care what she does to me, I'm more worried what she will do to the kids trying to get information and how that will affect them.

                            It's sad that the relationship is over yet I still feel so restricted by her. Again thinking of my kids and not me. This also gives me a great deal of stress.

                            Anyway if you have any suggestions they'd be greatly appreciated.
                            Given what you've written about your ex and how extreme she is, it sounds like caution is warranted. Your ex seems to go in and out of phases of being particularly difficult - perhaps when she's going through a good patch (and/or has a new boyfriend of her own), you can tell her about your new partner. As time goes by and your kids get older, they will see more and more of their mother's true colors, and while her interrogations about your life won't get any more fun, the kids will be able to put them into a context of mental illness. Your new partner sounds very understanding, so even though it sucks in some ways to have to be secretive, she'll understand it's for the greater good.

                            The main thing to worry about is her finding out about your new partner by accident - which would be worse than any controlled announcement - so if you think the likelihood of this is high (e.g. you're moving in together or she's spending a lot of time with the kids and they're likely to talk about her), better to bite the bullet and tell her sooner rather than later.

                            I know how hard it is to find the balance between being prudent and not giving the ex reasons for freaking out on the one hand, and not letting yourself be controlled by fear of what the ex might do or say on the other.

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                            • #29
                              The main thing to worry about is her finding out about your new partner by accident - which would be worse than any controlled announcement - so if you think the likelihood of this is high (e.g. you're moving in together or she's spending a lot of time with the kids and they're likely to talk about her), better to bite the bullet and tell her sooner rather than later.
                              The problem with telling her about your new partner is that it gives the impression that she's somehow in control of or has power over the situation. It makes it seem like her approval matters.

                              So be careful how you do this because I can tell you that given your description of her and her maturity...she'll either at that time or later have a major meltdown.

                              I'd really wait to do this...your relationship is still new. And I'd figure out a way to do this that didn't involve much detail, was very straight-forward/matter of fact and didn't involve any discussion by phone call, etc.

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                              • #30
                                You are now divorced. You are not accountable to your ex to tell her any details of your personal life.

                                I wouldn't muck things up by blabbing anything to your ex. She will find out in due time. Maybe she will then back off and leave you alone when that happens.

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