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  • I need help make a decision, any advise will help greatly

    my wife and i have been married for 2 years. we have drifted apart and have been more or less room mates for more than a year. it has broken down to the point that the next step was likely divorce. I have been suspicious of a possible affair. Last week she broke the news to me, but she couldnt tell me she had to write a letter on her computer.. alot if things in her letter did not match up to events that actually happened and certain timelines. We were in italy in the summer, her theory is she might have been raped, my theory is an affair that she will never admit. . she is 3 months pregnant. The chance of me being the biological father is 0.00%. We have been together for 6 years, we still love eachother and dont want to throw everything away. my issues are, My gut keeps telling me to leave, cut my loses and move on. If I leave, both our lives will be turned upside down. we will recover in time, she will be devastated for years and struggle to make ends meet. my heart is telling me to stay. if i stay, I dont feel i can accept the child as my own. if i stay to try and fix our relationship and it fails, i am leaving her alone to raise the child,she cant do it alone, and i will be responsible for child support for a child that isnt mine. One way or the other i need to make a decision very soon.

  • #2
    You don't need to make a decision that will lock you into a bad situation for decades.

    Tell her you are taking a break. If she wants to resume the relationship in the future she may call you in 6 months. At which point you will live apart and date, for at least a year, before beginning to discuss further plans.

    If you two truly love each other, then everything will be fine. If not, you will go your separate ways.

    Perhaps you dread the idea that a child you have no connection to and no desire to be a parent to, will live in poverty. In which case, the mother has to pull her life together. I can assure you there are many social service agencies available, government income supplements and daycare subsidies, and education grants, support, and accomodations for single mothers.

    You are not her permanent pension plan.

    The critical thing I see in your story is that you have drifted apart for over a year, she has very likely been having an affair for the last year and a separate fling in Italy. You are not going to save this relationship by buying her love with ongoing financial support. She is not going to suddenly, magically, fall in love with you again and live happily ever after. The issues that have been there for years are still going to be there.

    As I said in the beginning, you need to pack up and leave. Get some space between you. Recover your own life, get to the point where you feel like dating again.

    Legally if you stay with her and support the child, you will become financially responsible for the child until it is an adult. Don't do that because you are sad and longing for your honeymoon to return.

    Comment


    • #3
      Okay to start...you will not be responsible for CS for a child that is not yours, unless you act as his/her father before leaving her.

      That being said... just because a child is not biologically yours, does not mean you cannot be a father. The first thing you two have to do is get into some counseling. It does not sound like you have a very stable relationship and staying because of the child would cause more harm then good. You have had a very short marriage, if she had an affair, she will have to find the father of the baby, shall you choose not to step up... if she was rapped... why the hell didn't she report it?

      You have a lot of issues to work through, and you should really seek help for these issues.

      Best of luck.

      Comment


      • #4
        That's quite the blow. Did you and your wife want children previously? Is it safe to assume no is going to come claim paternity of this baby? I think she needs to come clean so you have the full picture of what you may or may not be getting yourself into. What happens if this was an affair and he comes back in a year or two wanting a relationship with her and the baby?

        What does she want to do? She dropped this bombshell she must have given you an idea what she was hoping would happen. Does she want to continue living in roommate type situation? Does she want to commit fully to fixing your marriage? Does she want you both to move to Italy?

        You have some time to make decisions if she's 3 months along she won't give birth before spring. Your marriage didn't break down in a day, and she's had 3 months to come to terms with her actions and the consequences. Don't you deserve to give yourself a bit of time to decide what's best for you? Do you have a work insurance plan that will cover seeing a counselor? It would probably do you good to talk it all out on your own.

        Comment


        • #5
          Marriage counselling for the two of you; personal counselling for yourself.

          Strongly consider the long term consequences of your decisions, on yourself and the child, before making them. Once made, stick with them.

          Growing up in a single parent household is often regarded as healthier for a child than growing up in a conflicted household, particularly if it fragments during their childhood.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by OrleansLawyer View Post
            Growing up in a single parent household is often regarded as healthier for a child than growing up in a conflicted household, particularly if it fragments during their childhood.
            Used to say to my ex when we broke up and she would question why I would do this to our child (read - broken home). Id respond with "two happy homes is better than one unhappy one."

            Comment


            • #7
              Being a father is so much more than contributing some biological material and DNA. I know situations where after a divorce, the non biological father had custody because after all that time she truly felt he was the father, through his actions as a parent, rather than biology. And I know many successfully blended families where it works well.


              You have to separate the issues. If you truly think you want to reconsile with your wife, that is the biggest decision. Joint counselling might help. This isn't just "your" decision. If she had an affair there may have been other issues with the relationship before the affair that need to be brought out into the open. Both of you will have to make a committment to make this work, it doesn't work otherwise.

              IF you think you and your wife can make it work, then you have to think about the child. If you wanted children, personally I wouldn't hesitate. If you didn't want children you need to weigh things out.

              Comment


              • #8
                We have both wanted children, i never in a million years expected this outcome. The biggest problem is even though i personally have some doubts about if it was rape or an affair, i have no proof. We never fight, we have always loved eachother. We both acknowledged issues but we never truely attemped to fix. I was adopted, my brother(not biological) is also adopted. He is my brother. My adopted parents are my parents. If i stay ,this wont be easy.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Is their anything i can do legally, any kind of agreement that states that if i stay, and things do not work out, even if i have acted in a parental role, would waive any future rights or ability to come after me for spousal or child support. Right now we earn the exact same salary.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    No... if you are in a relationship and act like the father and then all the sudden decide it is not working, you will be on the hook for CS. You really need to get into some counseling and work through your issues. You have approx 6 months to figure things out, but if you plan to stick around and give it a go, plan to be on the hook for 20+ years.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I don't think it matters whether it was rape or an affair. But the truth would be nice, one way or another.

                      It is actually healthy to bring issues out, even if it results in a "fight", the alternatives, to bury feelings and create long term resentments is not a good thing. My ex and I are both guilty of that, and in the end, something had to give, and it was too late to salvage the marriage.

                      Marriage isn't easy for anyone all the time. It takes work. Relationships have to have time spent in being renewed and strengthened.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by OrleansLawyer View Post
                        Marriage counselling for the two of you; personal counselling for yourself.

                        Strongly consider the long term consequences of your decisions, on yourself and the child, before making them. Once made, stick with them.

                        Growing up in a single parent household is often regarded as healthier for a child than growing up in a conflicted household, particularly if it fragments during their childhood.
                        OrleansLawyer,

                        I don't know if this is possible, but if the OP stays in the relationship, can you do a legal agreement stating he is not the father and not financially responsible? I am asking out of curiosity, another thread had mentioned an adult/child relationship, is something like that possible?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Unevenplayingground View Post
                          OrleansLawyer,

                          I don't know if this is possible, but if the OP stays in the relationship, can you do a legal agreement stating he is not the father and not financially responsible? I am asking out of curiosity, another thread had mentioned an adult/child relationship, is something like that possible?
                          No, if he sticks around in the relationship, he will very rapidly be considered to be the father, and be on the hook for two decades of CS when the relationship fails.

                          She had an affair, and is telling you that she was raped. This woman is poison, get out now while you can. Remember, misconduct on her part will not relieve you of any CS obligations, so you need to end this fast, before that obligation is created.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Janus View Post
                            No, if he sticks around in the relationship, he will very rapidly be considered to be the father, and be on the hook for two decades of CS when the relationship fails.

                            She had an affair, and is telling you that she was raped. This woman is poison, get out now while you can. Remember, misconduct on her part will not relieve you of any CS obligations, so you need to end this fast, before that obligation is created.
                            I couldn't agree more, if she is willing to use rape as an excuse for her behaviour, what else is she willing to do. Odds are she is lying about the rape, and if she is lying, that is an absolutely disgusting thing to do.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Unevenplayingground View Post
                              OrleansLawyer,

                              I don't know if this is possible, but if the OP stays in the relationship, can you do a legal agreement stating he is not the father and not financially responsible? I am asking out of curiosity, another thread had mentioned an adult/child relationship, is something like that possible?
                              In loco parentis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

                              You could get an agreement set to that fact but, the person in question would have to defending against any claim that they are an "in loco parent" possibly. Even with an agreement in hand.

                              Search the threads. Topic covered in detail on this site. For example:

                              http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...html#post99483

                              Good Luck!
                              Tayken

                              Comment

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