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  • financially strained

    What would you do?

    Moved out of the matrimonial home with son about 2 months ago due to abuse. I do not feel safe going back there and I am not ready to get back together. I understand that husband has a right to see his son, but now we are deciding on parenting arrangments and are stuck. He is in the (large) matrimonial home - he refuses to move out. I stayed several days at a women's shelter then a girlfriend's house. She has a family with a young baby too so I don't want to over-stay my welcome. I am on maternity leave with very little, limited income. I hardly have any money to go rent a place. Husband suggested that we share and take turns living in the matrimonial home. When I'm not there, I'll be at my girlfriend's and when he's not there, he'll stay at his parents. Problem is that our home is in the burbs and I'm currently staying downtown. I also do not own a car, or have the means to pay for one or buy one. I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  • #2
    Originally posted by broken_gal View Post
    What would you do?

    Moved out of the matrimonial home with son about 2 months ago due to abuse. I do not feel safe going back there and I am not ready to get back together. I understand that husband has a right to see his son, but now we are deciding on parenting arrangments and are stuck. He is in the (large) matrimonial home - he refuses to move out. I stayed several days at a women's shelter then a girlfriend's house. She has a family with a young baby too so I don't want to over-stay my welcome. I am on maternity leave with very little, limited income. I hardly have any money to go rent a place. Husband suggested that we share and take turns living in the matrimonial home. When I'm not there, I'll be at my girlfriend's and when he's not there, he'll stay at his parents. Problem is that our home is in the burbs and I'm currently staying downtown. I also do not own a car, or have the means to pay for one or buy one. I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    sounds like he gave you a workable solution. You can do all the downtown stuff when you are staying at your friends place. I would take him up on his offer if money is so tight for you.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
      sounds like he gave you a workable solution. You can do all the downtown stuff when you are staying at your friends place. I would take him up on his offer if money is so tight for you.
      Ditto.

      Me too.

      What (s)he said.

      I'll second that.

      Etc.

      Cheers!

      Gary

      Comment


      • #4
        I wanted to mention that I need a car to get from downtown to the burbs to take care of my son and tote him around...

        Originally posted by Gary M View Post
        Ditto.

        Me too.

        What (s)he said.

        I'll second that.

        Etc.

        Cheers!

        Gary

        Comment


        • #5
          Take a taxi. Bum a ride from a friend. If you are on mat leave and can't make ends meet...time to cut mat leave short and go back to work?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by broken_gal View Post
            I wanted to mention that I need a car to get from downtown to the burbs to take care of my son and tote him around...
            That is YOUR problem and nobody else's.

            Perhaps if this is all too difficult for you to manage, you need to evaluate your suitability as the child's caregiver?

            Cheers!

            Gary

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Gary M View Post
              Ditto.

              Me too.

              What (s)he said.

              I'll second that.

              Etc.

              Cheers!

              Gary
              its she....

              Comment


              • #8
                brokengal, just read both of your posts and I have to strongly disagree with the advice above. If your x is an abuser, it is not a good idea to share a home with him. This could be VERY unsafe for you. Find a solution to this problem that allows access to your x but allows you your independence. This is an absolute must for you to evaluate your situation and to separate yourself from him. The most dangerous times for a woman leaving an abuser is at separation - don't give him easy access to you and your things. How far is the burbs from downtown? Who can help facilitate access for now? Child is young so could be difficult to coordinate but maybe x could do the driving. Get advice from FLIC or a lawyer regarding your rights on spousal and child support. You DO NOT need to go off of maternity leave necessarily but you DO need a plan. Depending on the relationship you have with your x there could be a long and draining battle brewing.

                I left an abuser 2 years ago and he attempts to continue controlling my life to this day. However, not a day goes by that I regret getting away from him.

                Wish you all the best.

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                • #9
                  they would not be in the home at the same time, when she is there he stays somewhere else. If he lives up to that then there should be no issues.

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                  • #10
                    Maybe they wouldn't be supposed to be in the house at the same time, but is she going to feel assured that he, who will presumably still have a key on his offdays, won't come to the house unexpectedly? I wouldn't imagine it's easy to enforce a restraining order if it comes down to it.

                    "No, officer, he is not allowed in the house today. Tomorrow is okay."

                    Who wants to live half the time in a place they don't feel safe??

                    By suggesting that, he's still trying to be controlling and decide what happens in your life. You need to sever ties as much as possible, and that means starting the process of equalization, getting child support from him and seeing if you have a case for spousal support out of him. I'm making the assumption that he's the higher income. He's got to buy you out of your half of the house if he wants to keep living there instead of selling it. Then once you have money, and regular money coming in, you can budget to rent a place of your own.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I really hate to be harsh but sadly your pretty much $crewed.

                      You won't qualify for legal aid since you are co-owner of a "large" house (that your ex is living in) and in which you left voluntarily (unless of course there was DOCUMENTED domestic abuse ... ie. police involvement). And no lawyer will touch you unless you put down a retainer (& you have no $).

                      You either go it yourself or you beg/borrow or steal (1st 2 options are best) and hire a lawyer and go right for a motion for CS and equalization (payout) of matrimonial home (less debt). Either you sell home & split profit or he buys you out & stays in home.

                      If your looking at going it on your own, be well prepared to spend DAYS (not hours, DAYS) at the local courthouse. Be prepared to have ample access to the internet and a printer/copier to print STACKS of forms in triplicate at the bare minimum. Be prepared for nasty accusations thrown at you by your ex to discredit you (will be worse if he hires counsel). It's certainly "doable" but it's ALOT of work, stress and aggravation and once you start it it's very hard to stop.

                      Best of luck

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I just wanted to add some support for the idea of not sharing a home with your ex, even if he is not physically present.

                        I hope the abuse is documented. Is he facing charges? presumably not, as you do not talk about a no contact order.

                        People who are abusive and controlling will take use this situation to keep track of you, and many other motives...all speculation at this point, but based on education. Be careful. It would be very difficult to prove you are capable of raising this child if you were to put him/her in a situation of potential danger (either to the child or to others).

                        I find it interesting that you do not say you are afraid of him,or afraid for your child??

                        Cut the ties and become independent. Each of you should focus on the child.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Agree completely with Rioe. Abusers do not respect boundaries, they only respect THEIR ENTITLEMENT to their home, their children and their wife. He will continue his control over you as long as you let him. As he starts to lose control he could escalate (only you know your husband so I'm just generalizing about abusers but they are pretty much all the same). He will feel entitled to enter the house as he sees fit to show you his ownership as well as to check up on you. He will also use these opportunities to "hoover" you back into the relationship where he will likely be exactly the same. Give yourself and your child a chance to escape this abuse as permanently as possible and cut all avenues off for him to control, manipulate and possible harm you.

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                          • #14
                            Amazing..

                            The most amazing thing about divorce proceedings is that while only 7% of women are reported viticms of abuse, it seems 99% of divorced women with legal representation have "survived" an abusive relationship.

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                            • #15
                              some of the replies here dont seem well thought - this woman is saying she doesnt feel safe! regardless of the fact that she woul dbe there and he would not - he was abusive. Abusers have a great way of making their victims passive - if she agrees to "his" arragment, who knows what next.
                              Time to re-evaluate your situation.. if you owned the home together the above post is correct - he will have to buy you out. You will qualify for legal aid it sounds like - so get there and get informed..

                              Comment

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