Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Help for a newbie?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Help for a newbie?

    Hi,
    New to this awful process of divorce - made the more awful as my STBX is highly unreasonable and I am admittedly far too naive. I have some support but have a specific question which I’m sure I’m not the first to experience.
    - she’s had control over the “kids (3) account” which I allowed with the intent of making her feel ‘engaged’. All CCB and any birthday etc money is to go there. Anyhow, she’s blown and/or cash-hoarding 10-20k out of this.
    - If withdrawals were done before date of separation can I recover this? Or use it to at least get on low end of SS?
    - If withdrawals are between date of separation and today can I take this out of equalization?
    - is there an alternate rather than legal request to get complete bank statement (not joint, remember I told you I’m naive)

    Having said all this, I feel great even though I should have followed lots of advice and left 3 years ago.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Futureisbright View Post
    Hi,
    New to this awful process of divorce - made the more awful as my STBX is highly unreasonable and I am admittedly far too naive. I have some support but have a specific question which I’m sure I’m not the first to experience.
    - she’s had control over the “kids (3) account” which I allowed with the intent of making her feel ‘engaged’. All CCB and any birthday etc money is to go there. Anyhow, she’s blown and/or cash-hoarding 10-20k out of this.
    - If withdrawals were done before date of separation can I recover this? Or use it to at least get on low end of SS?
    - If withdrawals are between date of separation and today can I take this out of equalization?
    - is there an alternate rather than legal request to get complete bank statement (not joint, remember I told you I’m naive)

    Having said all this, I feel great even though I should have followed lots of advice and left 3 years ago.
    Lesson learned: don't trust your soon to be ex wife with your money.

    I would take it out of equalization either way. don't be naive.

    You will need to request statements from the courts - if she doesn't provide them, then the judge will want to know what she's got to hide.

    Comment


    • #3
      I am a newbie too, but wouldnt the CCB show up on her Financial Statement?

      We also have Bank Accounts for the children since birth, for Birthday Money they received since birth, although its not a significant amount, I dont think that money counts in equalization as the $ belongs to the children not the parents.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks Tunnelight good to know that I can still fight for it to be included in equalization via court. More naïveté on my part as she’s telling me we can do this without lawyers but yet won’t show me bank statements. I know, go to lawyer don’t delay. Oh yeah I left out I’m not just naive I’m also cheap.

        Kate,
        Yes of course it’s children’s money but held in trust by us. Meaning I can trust her to spend it on herself.
        Sorry for going down that path, unfortunately it’s reality. I do accept that I deserve blame for allowing it for too long. I’m just trying to get the anger and negativity out of my system. If anyone hears some swearing from a rooftop in Kanata that may be me

        Comment


        • #5
          Lawyer up and defend yourself......nobody else will.

          Demand 50-50% with kids, pay only what you should, and not more than you need to.

          Spend up front with a lawyer, and not for years after without one.

          She will feel entitled to all your money because that is just the way it is. Protect yourself. Remember that you are not a team anymore.

          Comment


          • #6
            Yeah I suppose I have no choice. She’s being sickeningly sweet “let’s do this without lawyers as far as we can, we’ll be fair to each other”. Meanwhile the evidence to the contrary is piling up.
            You said it, “we’re not a team anymore”.
            Sigh, sure does suck when you learn that doesn’t it?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by kate331 View Post
              We also have Bank Accounts for the children since birth, for Birthday Money they received since birth, although its not a significant amount, I dont think that money counts in equalization as the $ belongs to the children not the parents.
              You'd think that, but by the system that governs bank accounts, if the mom was joint account holder, which it sounds like she was, then legally half the money is the kids and half is hers. And because she was married, half her money is her husband's, so her share of that money gets divided in the equalization process.

              Now, two reasonable parents would agree that the children's bank accounts are entirely off limits to equalization, but if she's already stealing money from her children's accounts, she's not reasonable.

              I would ask, as part of financial disclosure, that she provide statements for the kids' accounts, going back as far as necessary, and question any suspicious withdrawals. Anything that was not for the kids' benefit or done without their awareness, request that she restore it out of her equalization.

              Do you know what she did with the money? That might give you some insight into what you are dealing with.

              Comment


              • #8
                What really sucked for me was, even as I described in detail what her extreme demands meant to my life, my career, my business and my ability to make an income to pay her and support the kids. Nothing short of complete ruin within 5 years.

                Her answer was a curt "not my problem". I started to hate her at that moment.

                It took me 4 years to not actual feel physical sick in her presence.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi Rioe,
                  Yes I’ve been asking for bank statements but she doesn’t want to show them. Imagine that...
                  I’m confident some of the money is cash-stashed at a friends (seen a couple thick wads in her pocket recently). Plenty has been blown, she all of a sudden required a new hi-fashion wardrobe after I told her we were through. Crazy world isn’t it?
                  I created an equalization summary workbook and agreed to fill it out ourselves and have a ‘put all bank statements on table’ meeting with a mutual friend this week. Will be interesting but I do need to take some blame for not watching things closer. I’m still thinking to let the night proceed of putting bank statements on table ourselves but am afraid that won’t be successful enough to avoid need for lawyers.
                  Does inappropriate use of shared money get considered when determining range of spousal support?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Futureisbright View Post
                    Yes I’ve been asking for bank statements but she doesn’t want to show them. Imagine that...
                    Of course. Next time she says anything like that, remind her of her sickeningly sweet “let’s do this without lawyers as far as we can, we’ll be fair to each other” statement and ask if her refusal to cooperate with financial disclosure means you should just jump to lawyers.

                    As soon as anyone who is trying to avoid lawyers is anything but fully open, that's a good sign that you need lawyers. She may well have already consulted a few, and figured out what she could legally get, and is trying to convince you to avoid lawyers so that she can try to get more out of you.

                    Are you still living together in the same house? Look for ALL the paperwork you can think of while she's out. Make copies of anything that seems remotely relevant.

                    Originally posted by Futureisbright View Post
                    I created an equalization summary workbook and agreed to fill it out ourselves and have a ‘put all bank statements on table’ meeting with a mutual friend this week. Will be interesting but I do need to take some blame for not watching things closer. I’m still thinking to let the night proceed of putting bank statements on table ourselves but am afraid that won’t be successful enough to avoid need for lawyers.
                    Lawyers will come into it eventually, as you need to be able to prove you each had independent legal advice for any agreement you work out together to stand up in court. So you might want to go talk to a few, get a feel for them, and find one you consider a good fit for you. Do it soon, before she has a chance to use up all the good ones.

                    But the more you can do yourselves together first, before bringing an agreement to a lawyer, the more money you'll save.

                    And frankly, no, you don't need to take some blame for not watching things more closely. You trusted her. She let you down; she's the one to blame. She's the one stealing from your children.

                    Originally posted by Futureisbright View Post
                    Does inappropriate use of shared money get considered when determining range of spousal support?
                    No, but there are precedents for it resulting in unequal equalization.

                    Spousal support is an entirely different beast. Do a lot of research on that before agreeing to it! Entitlement to it must be proven; it's not automatic. Is she employed, or young and could be employed? Then there's no need for her to have SS.
                    Last edited by Rioe; 01-08-2018, 01:11 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I’m confident she hasn’t contacted a lawyer but she has a friend that is recently divorced who feels she got unfairly treated so I’m sure she’s providing coaching.

                      I’ve found a couple receipts that I’ve made copies of.

                      We have agreed that we’d have any equalization and support agreements reviewed by lawyers before signing but try to get them as complete as possible in advance.. I want to honour that, and to achieve that end we have made a plan to complete these together with a friend of hers. I know this is going to show that she’s hiding money and am torn between desire to expose this and the desire to keep the high road and not expose the friend to an uncomfortable situation.

                      Also on equalization I am afraid of being challenged on our separation date as we declared on Nov 27 and then let things sit till post-Christmas when most of her spending occurred. Is it enough to get a few 3rd party written affidavits supporting my declared date of separation if she challenges it. Of course her banking history would support this as well.

                      For SS/CS, she is 39 and certainly employable (I feel I should be able to declare that she’s capable of earning $30k) and CS should be based on that. We’ve agreed 50/50 custody but her and my family expect her to give up kids completely in the near future. I don’t believe that but maybe it’s because I don’t want to believe that.
                      She will argue need for SS that staying home with kids has hampered her career but reality is there never was one.

                      Comment

                      Our Divorce Forums
                      Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                      Working...
                      X