What should I do, any advice on this?

[Rioe]

Here's a super quick, with nice round made-up numbers, example of equalization:

Assets:
House $400k
Cottage $200k
Her car $20k
Your car $4k
Your pension $100k
Her RRSP $20k

Debts:
House Mortgage $50k
Loan on her car $10k
Credit Cards $2k

It's pretty optimistic - I hear most Canadian families have it much much worse!

So anyways, here's what that would look like divided equally.

Say you end up with
Cottage $200k
Your car $4k
Your pension $100k
Half the Credit Cards -$1k
TOTAL $303k

and she ends up with
House $400k
Her car $20k
Her RRSP $20k
House Mortgage -$50k
Loan on her car -$10k
Half the Credit Cards -$1k
TOTAL $379k

She ends up with $76k more than you, so she has to get a loan (probably increase the mortgage if she can afford it) and pay you $38k in cash. A decent down payment on a new house. If she can't increase the mortgage, she's got to change things so she can make up the difference, say by giving you the nice car and taking the crap one instead, cashing out her RRSP, etc.

Alternately, this might happen:

Say you end up with
House $400k
Cottage $200k
Your car $4k
Your pension $100k
House Mortgage -$50k
Half the Credit Cards -$1k
TOTAL $653k

and she ends up with
Her car $20k
Her RRSP $20k
Loan on her car -$10k
Half the Credit Cards -$1k
TOTAL $29k

Then the difference is $624k so you have to find $312k in cash to give her somehow. Most likely by selling the cottage, or taking out a bigger mortgage yourself, or signing off half your pension to her or any combination thereof. But then she has to buy a new house to live in. Or blow it all on Caribbean cruises with the other guy - you don't get to pick.

That's the basics of equalization (and if I'm doing it wrong, someone please let me know because I'm in the middle of it myself!) except that you have to include every single damn thing, like student loans, antiques, your appliances, that ugly picture on the wall, meagre savings account balances, etc. It can really get bogged down if people want to be selfish and difficult. There's also the issue of who had what BEFORE the marriage, because that isn't included, unless it's the matrimonial home. And sometimes people agree not to divide everything 50-50, if, for example, it's very important to the spouse leaving the house that the children be able to continue living in it at least part of the time and there's no other way to continue to afford it.

Okay, that was not super-quick after all. But hopefully useful. There's a specific legal form to use to write this all down on, which someone may be able to link for you.

[dadtotheend]

The best part is it's gonna be a shock to her when I say here is the law and this is whats gonna happen, not what she wants.

Resist the urge to gloat. Your primary objective will be to advance settlement. Pointing fingers only divides you and opens the door for the lawyers to conquer you. It is very difficult I know, but taking the high road is more noble and far cheaper, believe me. If the conflict starts then you're into tens and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, if not more, to say nothing of the damage you will do to your children if conflict escalates.

All that said, check out this thread re equalization:

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...-payment-3788/

[PaulP]

My ten cents. If you feel that it is truly over and that counselling will not save your marriage....confront her and kick her out! I caught my wife of 17 years doing the same. Yes i grew suspiscious and logged our laptop. Broke my heart to view those logs but at least i finally learned the truth. I asked her point blank if there was someone else...she looked me in the eye and said "no". I then threw printouts of her messages with the other guy at her and told to get out. She left. That was mid-sept. She is still gone and i am moving on. I have my children and the marital home. She has had very little contact with our children. Her choice.
So, bottom line....there is no need to leave your home or your children. Buy her out and be there for your children as you have all their lives. Single Dad's are not so much a minority these days. Why should you leave? You are not the one cheating. Why should you not keep the children and settle on a mutual custody agreement with HER having visitation rights? Single parenting is tough but so very worth it. I would not give up my kids in a million years.
The emotional rollercoaster you are on is a rough ride. I am still on it. You will have your good days and your bad. Make sure you have someone you can call on those bad days. People to support you is very key. I still sleep with a body pillow beside me. I still cant watch certain shows, listen to certain songs. Xmas this year is gona be tough...but..now its table for three at my house
Best of luck and keep your spirits...you'll get through this.
Cheers!

[dadtotheend]

You can't just kick her out. Maybe PaulP was successful doing that but each spouse has an equal right to possession of the matrimonial home. For him to project his isolated experience on you is irresponsible. If she has any stones, she will call you on it and then you will have immediately set down the road of conflict

I guarantee you that OP's will weigh in behind me and agree.

[Rioe]

You can't just kick her out. Maybe PaulP was successful doing that but each spouse has an equal right to possession of the matrimonial home. For him to project his isolated experience on you is irresponsible. If she has any stones, she will call you on it and then you will have immediately set down the road of conflict

I guarantee you that OP's will weigh in behind me and agree.

Yes, it's true, you can't just kick her out. However, you can give her the rope to hang herself with. Don't complain when she makes up excuses to be out of the house, and comes home late, and she might just do it more and more often. If she's never home and you end up doing all the parenting, that's a good status quo for you to end up with the house if it comes to court. And it happened without any confrontation or conflict.

However, as I learned here on this forum by reading other threads, a cheating partner tends to lay blame on their innocent spouse for a myriad of perceived (true or not) inadequacies that caused the cheating. So you may find yourself in for a rough ride as she realizes the family is splitting apart and paperwork begins. As other threads will also tell you, it can be shocking what someone you once loved, and may think you still love, can turn around and do. So take measures, also explained elsewhere. Document everything! Keep all important papers somewhere safe from her. Remove any personal items you don't want her to damage or take. And above all, be the best parent you can be to your children to minimize any stress they may experience as they watch the bitter breakup of the two people they love most in the world.

[PaulP]

@dadto the end....I was just giving my experiences and "my ten cents" I realize that every situation is different and would hope that the original poster understands this as well. My ex does indeed have rights to the marital home but for her to live here would cause extreme hardship to our children. She knows and accepts that. Our financial situation plus time of year preclude selling of the home at this time. She pays no CS/SS and only pays half the mortgage. All of which is fine by myself. I am content with the half mortgage payment. We are both trying to put as little conflict between us as possible in order to make it easier for our children. She has the "stones" but knows it is not in "our" or the childrens best interest to go down the road of conflict. Not a road i wish to travel either. We are both relatively aware of our legal rights regarding custody, finances etc. We are just choosing to not let it get nasty. I'll get posted this summer and we will divide the proceeds from the matrimonial home and we will both move on.

A lot of people "project" their individual experience here and on other sites. Hence why its called sharing and one can ultimately only draw their own conclusions from posts. I was merely sharing my own experience and showing the op that there is no reason why he cannot choose to be a stay at home Dad as his post indicated that he felt compelled to leave the matrimonial home and his children. That plus relating that while this point in time is a rough one for him that he will get through it.
Again, this is only my ten cents.

[dadtotheend]

I'm not trying to crap all over you position but advising him to "kick her out" is a little inflammatory and very risky IMO. I'm glad it worked out for you.

[coastalguy27]

Thanks everyone, I have been reading alot, I think I have the house/cottage equalization figured out, if she agrees to it. The cottage is worth about my payout on the house. But what about the contents? Is there a price on the contents or I just take the big screen and call it quits.

One new development I seen it her searches on Google "what to say during Phone sex". This hit me pretty hard and I'm not sure how much longer I can act like anything is wrong. I seen picture msges on her phone and fearing the worst.

When this comes out and I tell her I'm not leaving shes gonna probably gonna want to take the kids and go to her mothers, any advice on this?

Thank you again, I'd be pretty well screwed if I never found this place.

[dadtotheend]

Did you try and run your equalization numbers through the spreadsheet that was in the thread I linked above?

Re the phone sex google search, take the high road!! Don't engage, we know it's hard, but DON'T. You will thank yourself later. Meanwhile PM me all the pics of her . Seriously, stop looking at her phone. You know what's she's up to. Are the details helping you? Get some counselling dude, you need it. I did it. A lot of us did.

How far away does her mom live? If she tries to take them, you run, don't walk, to court for an emergency motion to keep them in the home where they are familiar and loved, the only home they know. I'm not kidding. You RUN to court. That will entrench their living arrangements into an interim order that will survive until you finalize. Do not underestimate how serious this is. Again, I'M NOT KIDDING!

[coastalguy27]

Mom lives 10 minutes away.

Thanks for your help.. it's not a good last 2 days.

[dadtotheend]

Thanks for your help.. it's not a good last 2 days.

Glass half full pal. It has been a good last couple of days. You have learned a lot. Now breathe.

[billiechic]

Doesn't matter how close her mom lives, the kids live in your house! If she takes them GO directly to court! Don't pass grandmas!

[coastalguy27]

Thanks

I think this is the last week, I have put in for next week off work. She knows somethings wrong she keeps asking me what my problem is cause she has done nothing wrong.

I just wanna make sure I have everything in line when I confront her. This sucks.

Thanks everyone.

One thing that really bothers me is the kids want the Christmas lights up on the house, I get too upset thinking about it to put them on knowing what an awful Christmas this is gonna be.

[blinkandimgone]

Christmas will be what you make it, just like every other day moving forward. Keep busy, keep the kids busy and try to stay positive.