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  • Dating and Divorce

    My boyfriend is currently in the separation phase leading up to filing for divorce, he has received advice from a lawyer that it would be in his best interest to be single or pretend to be single so that his ex doesn't take everything from him, he is particularly worried about a change in his current custody agreement. On what grounds would a lawyer advise this and is there anything to substantiate it?? It is making our relationship very difficult, we have been together 8 months now, 3 of them we have been pretending not to be together to his...help plz, any advice would be appreciated

  • #2
    Exes can often get a lot more hostile once they feel they have been replaced. They feel threatened or something, or vengeful and want to do whatever is in their power to ensure that their former spouse doesn't get to be happy. If your boyfriend doesn't have a separation agreement in place, it is very likely going to be much harder to negotiate one once his ex finds out you are in the picture. There aren't legal grounds, but it's human nature, I guess.

    My advice would be not to ever date anyone going through a separation, and if going through a separation, not to date anyone until the paperwork is signed.

    For you specifically, depends how much you care about the guy, and his children. Step back, take some distance, let him finish his agreement, then see where things stand. Don't just pretend you aren't together.

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    • #3
      I would keep the fact you are dating underwraps until the SA is signed and he gets into a routine with the kids. No sense in getting the exs back up.

      It isnt her business who he sees, unless you are some sort of nutjob who has a history of violence against kids which i think is far from it here. I would just play it cool for a while and in the end it will hopefully be a much smoother divorce.

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      • #4
        The lawyer meant it is in his best interest to avoid conflict with his ex.

        A new beau is a really good way to increase conflict.

        Thats all.

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        • #5
          While I agree with the above posts factually, I think its really annoying.

          Its truly not right that it can take one years to get divorced and have to put your life on hold...not just through a crappy marriage but for years after its over. Having to spend a year living with someone you no longer have a relationship with, having to put better new relationships on hold, etc...its nonsense. People shouldn't be hostages or slaves because they want to end a crappy relationship.

          Personally, I got into a serious relationship right after separation because I had been in a 20 year relationship and for the last 12-14 years of it, we had led very separate existences. I had long been emotionally separated from my spouse. We stayed together for children and financial obligations only.

          My stbx would be high conflict whether or not I was single or not anyway....so my having a new partner couldn't have made him any more angry than he already was. My personal life is none of my stbx's business. But I truly sympathize with the OP's situation. A new relationship should have no bearing on ending the old one.

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          • #6
            He and his ex actually signed legal separation papers in september, about 3 months into our relationship. His ex knew about me the whole time, I'd even met and spoke with her on several occassions, after he spoke to his lawyer he told her that we had broken up...so, there is no basis or reason for us to hide this then? He can't fair better or worse during divorce proceedings?

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            • #7
              PH: my situation similar to yours but not 20 years. We lived very separate lives. I did, anyway. Spent 3 or 4 years trying to figure out HOW to get away from him. If not for child/business/finances, I would've been gone a lot sooner.

              I find it difficult to find/sustain a new relationship. I've become very indifferent and admittedly, distrustful of ppl's intentions. The "dark cloud" of 4 years of 2 courts hasn't been easy to hide. It's taken its toll. Now I feel I don't even want a relationship - I'm not ready. And still I have some legal wrangling to deal with. Even I admit, I wouldn't want to be w/someone if they were in the situation that I'm in. Ironic b/c I sure am NOT hung up on the ex (I despise him and glad he's w/someone) - I just find it hard to move forward from what's been a devastating financial strain and emotionally, 4 years of Court is draining.

              KitKat: if it's meant to be, it will be. Hard for me to say as I have never become involved w/someone in very early stages of separation/custody and would not. It might have been a better idea to NOT have conversed w/your bf's ex so early on. Good Luck.

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              • #8
                For the first 4 months or so of our relationship she didn't care because she didn't want anything to do with him, she cheated a handful of times on him and was also seeing someone, she broke it off and decided she really fucked up and wanted my guy back, he doesn't want anything to do with her...

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by kitkat View Post
                  For the first 4 months or so of our relationship she didn't care because she didn't want anything to do with him, she cheated a handful of times on him and was also seeing someone, she broke it off and decided she really fucked up and wanted my guy back, he doesn't want anything to do with her...
                  unfortunatly he will have to have something to do with her because of the kid(s)

                  she thought the grass was greener on the other side but looks like she realized too late she was wrong

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by kitkat View Post
                    He and his ex actually signed legal separation papers in september, about 3 months into our relationship. His ex knew about me the whole time, I'd even met and spoke with her on several occassions, after he spoke to his lawyer he told her that we had broken up...so, there is no basis or reason for us to hide this then? He can't fair better or worse during divorce proceedings?
                    If the important paperwork is signed, and it's only the actual divorce left, I'm not sure why the lawyer would advise him to pretend to be single. There's not much the ex can do to mess things up after the SA is signed. Have you asked the lawyer? Maybe he's trying to get status quo going or something.

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                    • #11
                      My guys understanding is that it looks better if he's single because it illustrates that if there was a chance of them get back together it could happen if he wanted it to, rather than someone (me) standing in the way of that...and by doing so illustrated to court if it came to there is no chance of saving the marriage, and thus would receive more equal treatment...he scared because she has threatened to take the kids away, that's his biggest concern, I don't see any basis for it

                      I would LOVE to talk to this lawyer...she seems to be after all she get can get out of his ex rather than his well-being

                      From what I'm gathering, if said divorce gets nasty and cruel, there still isn't much of a reason to hide me??

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by kitkat View Post
                        My guys understanding is that it looks better if he's single because it illustrates that if there was a chance of them get back together it could happen if he wanted it to, rather than someone (me) standing in the way of that...and by doing so illustrated to court if it came to there is no chance of saving the marriage, and thus would receive more equal treatment...he scared because she has threatened to take the kids away, that's his biggest concern, I don't see any basis for it

                        I would LOVE to talk to this lawyer...she seems to be after all she get can get out of his ex rather than his well-being

                        From what I'm gathering, if said divorce gets nasty and cruel, there still isn't much of a reason to hide me??
                        Actually, you represent moving on. My recommendation would be not to hide you and make you known to the court. Let the other parent hurl allegations at you. You are an excellent character witness should matters escalate. You eliminate the abiility for the other parent to claim the following:

                        Emotional Abuse
                        Psychological Abuse
                        That he is "controlling"
                        That he is "abusive in any way"
                        That he is a sociopath.
                        That he is a bad, uninvolved caregiver.
                        That he sits around all day and doesn't care about the kids.

                        In fact, in a high-conflict divorce and contested custody and access the court often relies upon witnesses as yourself to provide a very different prespective of the person who the allegations are being made against.

                        In other situations, say as WorkingDad's it is easy to link hostilities to the addition of the new partner as he did in his cross examination. You can almost time the high conflict behaviour and furthered allegations to the introduction of a new partner.

                        Just document the hell out of it all and you will be fine.

                        Often and well known to the court... When a new partner is introduced contempt motions, new motions and new allegations show up because of the fear of being replaced (fear of abandonment) triggers in the other party.

                        Divorce is about change, new lives... Embrace it... Don't fear it. Lawyers get worried because they don't want things to escalate. You are not the parties escalating things. You are moving on with your lives... If the other parent goes off the deep end and starts to hurl allegations, file contempt motions, escalate the allegations... the court WILL recognize it.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

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                        • #13
                          Now I feel I don't even want a relationship - I'm not ready. And still I have some legal wrangling to deal with. Even I admit, I wouldn't want to be w/someone if they were in the situation that I'm in. Ironic b/c I sure am NOT hung up on the ex (I despise him and glad he's w/someone) - I just find it hard to move forward from what's been a devastating financial strain and emotionally, 4 years of Court is draining.

                          Hadenough:

                          I think one of the most devasting things about divorce is when it lingers to the point that it makes you bitter or affects the way you perceive other people. Luckily I found a partner who was going through his own divorce after 30 years of marriage. He's done already as the US system moves considerably faster than ours but it was so validating to have someone to discuss the details with who understood what I've been dealing with.

                          My stbx was a pessisimist who always thought people had horrible motives for everything they did and although I know people like that...I believe there are a lot of good men and good people out there and my relationship has truly validated that. I feel very fortunate that I'm going to come through this divorce with some financial and parenting issues but zero emotional ones. I don't don't look at my marriage as a failure but more of a life phase and a learning experience. While I'm glad its over and really tired of it taking so long to be done, I have no regrets about going through it. Its made me the person and the partner that I am today.

                          I guess what I'm trying to say is keep your mind and heart open to the possibility of a new person in your life. Life is short and happiness is truly a choice.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                            Hadenough:
                            .... I don't don't look at my marriage as a failure but more of a life phase and a learning experience. While I'm glad its over and really tired of it taking so long to be done, I have no regrets about going through it. Its made me the person and the partner that I am today.

                            I guess what I'm trying to say is keep your mind and heart open to the possibility of a new person in your life. Life is short and happiness is truly a choice.
                            Very well said!!

                            That's the approach I've been taking as well. My upcoming divorce, to me, is not a failure of my marriage, rather it's just moving into a new chapter of life - and I'll be getting my tattoo soon to commemorate this new life

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                              My stbx was a pessisimist who always thought people had horrible motives for everything they did and although I know people like that...I believe there are a lot of good men and good people out there and my relationship has truly validated that.
                              Don't do anything that would validate his "fears" in the course of the litigation. Stick to the facts. Don't address the "fears" and if you do, just point out that they are driven by fear and no substantiated evidence. Hearsay is the work of a high-conflict person and they play the hearsay game well. They try to leverage their "emotional state" to draw sympathy from custody and access evaluators, the court, etc... Often times depending on how good of an actor they are ... They can convince someone that they are the person who they truly not.

                              Fear of being found out. That is a huge motivator for them crafting lies. But, lies have short legs.

                              Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                              I feel very fortunate that I'm going to come through this divorce with some financial and parenting issues but zero emotional ones.
                              Emotional ones that you are aware of. But, divorce is a form of loss. And, the parenting issues will always be there because well, divorce is between the two adults in a relationship. It doesn't change the parental relationship that has to continue after divorce. Many litigants seek sole custody to eliminate this element of their "divorce". Not saying you are doing this persuinghappiness... What you communicate regarding your situation is the complete opposite of that.

                              Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                              I don't don't look at my marriage as a failure but more of a life phase and a learning experience. While I'm glad its over and really tired of it taking so long to be done, I have no regrets about going through it. Its made me the person and the partner that I am today.

                              I guess what I'm trying to say is keep your mind and heart open to the possibility of a new person in your life. Life is short and happiness is truly a choice.
                              What a lot of people fail to do after divorce is investigate why they were not happy with the partner they had chosen. There is a lot of self learning that can come from a divorce and a lot of change as a person can come from it. Too many people avoid seeking this out for themselves.

                              Good Luck!
                              Tayken

                              Comment

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