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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11  
Old 02-08-2020, 01:07 PM
alongjourney alongjourney is offline
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Now there are people who would say, well you should have fought for sole custody and restricted their mother's access. I don't agree with taking this stance because they love their mother very much and that would have done more damage than good. I had 50/50 access with our children which meant that for half the time our children had a parent in their lives who was mature and reasonable, and used common sense and reacted appropriately.
I'll chime in, hoping that it helps others because these situations truly suck:

I see it a bit differently and that is likely based on my situation: only once the kids had no real access to the mom (she pushed them away with some nasty behavior) did the kids really start to heal. That's when I was able to work with my young one (and therapist) to really develop emotional control so that he stops acting like his mom. His suicidal thoughts are pretty much gone, he had some before the divorce. My oldest one ended up the scapegoat for a while and he realised what he went through when he was a kid (how much stress he was under, and it turns out that was the cause of what we thought was chronic pain). I had not realised any of this at the time. No one did.

So for me, 50-50 is a no go. I want kids to feel safe in their home. I don't want them to be walking on eggshells at all time. They'll re-grow their relationship with their mom slowly over time but at least I'll be able to minimize road bumps.
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  #12  
Old 02-11-2020, 09:17 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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In some cases the above makes sense. My ex only ever had supervised access due to his history of violence towards the kids and severe brain damage. He had absolutely no insight whatsoever in any way, shape or form. He would exercise his supervised access for a short period of time then abruptly stop for about two years then start the bs all over again demanding unsupervised access. The judges would bend over backwards trying to work with him, ordering another custody assessment ( more $ cha Ching) and supervised access to resume. He refused as he thought it should be u supervised. He’s not see them for another 6 months then storm back to court again. Supervised access was ordered again this time with a neutral third party supervising instead of his family. He saw the kids for about 10 months but this time the kids refused to engage with him at all. I convinced them to give him another chance and they did, even went to visit with their neutral supervisor at his house . However they became upset when they discovered he had decorated “their bedrooms” like stalker shrines ( the Kid’s words).
Immediately after this visit he stopped access again as he felt the visit had gone so well we should immediately start with unsupervised overnight visits. It’s been 31/2 years now since he’s seen any of the kids. The last contact I had with him about the kids was 2 years ago when the youngest had been hospitalized with depression and PTSD. He never did contact me to find out how this child was doing later.

Now that he is out of their life and the kids are older, they are finally starting to heal. They are no longer walking in egg shells, doing well in school and one has graduated from post secondary.
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