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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1  
Old 10-11-2019, 01:58 PM
Wid Wid is offline
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Default Accusations and a mild physical encounter

I thought separation would have been as simple as splitting the home and coming up with a reasonable parenting schedule that benefits the children and going our separate ways.

However, instead I was quickly served documents (which I received while in the car with my son). They contained a multitude of harsh accusations and untrue statements.

She makes nearly double my yearly wage and has more assets and is asking for full custody.

A month prior she grabbed me and shook me while screaming in my face. As per my lawyers advice I included this in my response to her served documents.

Unfortunately, she includes claims of verbal abuse towards her as well as saying I am hurting the children emotionally and causing them physical symptoms. She claims, “you just don’t see it how I do”. This is also her argument when she removed them on more than one occasion and significantly limited my contact with them.

We currently live separate but apart and she is trying to obtain exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. I admit there was some heated discussion/arguments prior to it ending and it seemed to subside while boundaries were being set. Neither of these instances are consistent with any of our past behaviour over 16 years. We also were really great parents together and very supportive and loving towards our children (9,10).

I am at a loss and am wondering what I should expect as we are beginning the court process soon. The thought of losing time with my children this way is terrifying to say the least.

Last edited by Wid; 10-11-2019 at 02:03 PM. Reason: Typo
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  #2  
Old 10-11-2019, 03:22 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Sorry you are going through this.

If you have plenty of equity in your home and both have good steady employment you can count on lawyers not wanting the two of you to settle things amicably/quickly. You and your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) are payday for lawyers. The lawyers typically love it when their clients produce highly inflammatory affidavits and are only too willing to enclose them in court documents.

Judges have seen this stuff before a thousand times or more. High-emotions fueled by their comrades (lawyers)... everyone wants to be told they are right and the other person is wrong.

Don't get bogged down in arguments over "stuff" - that is another big payday for lawyers. Because there now are allegations out there of physical/emotional abuse, it stands to reason that you probably shouldn't be living in the same home. If you have competent legal counsel you should be preparing monthly budget for negotiation purposes.

You lived with your ex for 16 years so you know her better than anyone. Is there any possible way that you could meet with her in a neutral place (restaurants are good because they are not conducive to shouting and acting out) to discuss a plan going forward? Or have the two of you dragged all your friends and family into things?

This is just the beginning of a very long battle, should you not be able to come an an agreement with your ex. In most cases when this happens, the home has to be sold and nobody wins except the lawyers.

Of course, always watch your back and don't put yourself in a situation where you could become victim to false accusations.

This forum is full of lots of information. I'd recommend spending lots of time getting accustomed to the search features and doing lots of reading.
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Old 10-11-2019, 03:30 PM
Wid Wid is offline
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Thanks for the reply. Ironically things are going reasonably well at home. We still eat together, work together with the children and have even travelled out of town with the children for the weekend etc. We say good morning, good night and even buy each other a coffee or food etc... I sleep in a different part of the house and this is how I consider separate and apart.

There isn’t any disagreement over the division of assets. The main issue is custody.. It is very hard to explain as the info on affidavit and real life are in contrast to each other. It isn’t perfect in real life but by no means as portrayed.

I hear what you are saying and it is not what I wanted to hear. I am just keeping to myself and want to be out of the house ASAP but need the parenting plan sorted first.

Last edited by Wid; 10-11-2019 at 03:31 PM. Reason: Added info
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Old 10-11-2019, 04:39 PM
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That's great that you are communicating amicably with one another!

I'd suggest that you schedule some time to talk about the kids and where you both want to see them in 5, 10, 15 and 20 years. DO NOT get into any "blame blame" sort of talk. Perhaps you can even agree on some rules to future discussions. Finances will become a very big part of things sooner or later. Two separate households will be expensive. Can one of you afford to buy the other out of the house? I think people discover reality after going through the pre-mortgage financing arrangements and accept that they have to down-grade their expectations. Kids grow and needs change. Hopefully the two of you can agree to disagree on some things and take money, that would be spent on lawyers, and invest in children's education.

It's a given that everyone lies on affidavits. People have different perspectives on things is all. Sometimes you have to grow really thick skin and shrug off the insults.

Many on here will advise you (male) not to leave the matrimonial home without a separation agreement which spells out custody. Of course, you both have to have ILA (Independent Legal Advice) or the agreements can be easily tossed down the road.
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Old 10-11-2019, 04:52 PM
Wid Wid is offline
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Thanks for the reply.

If I even try to discuss custody she says, “talk to your lawyer”. It is not amicable in that area at all. I have proposed numerous plans and even said, I don’t even want child support, spousal support etc... I just want them to have something as consistent as possible for them. She claims consistency is “more of her”. I truly feel that she thinks the worst picture she can paint of me the more it makes her look as the primary caregiver/better parent. I have tried from many angles and have given up discussing this with her.

I tell her she is a good mom and they don’t need less of either of us and I wouldn’t want them to have less of her and more than me. She disagrees and is inflexible. I truly fear this is where all the money will go. I also said, why waste “their” money on this?

I can’t afford to buy the home or do I want to. I will have enough in my equalization payment to buy a small place... as of now unless it all goes to the legal system.

Thanks so much for your responses

Last edited by Wid; 10-11-2019 at 04:54 PM. Reason: Duplicate word
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  #6  
Old 10-12-2019, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wid View Post
However, instead I was quickly served documents (which I received while in the car with my son). They contained a multitude of harsh accusations and untrue statements.
That's normal. Don't let the lies rattle you. She would actually have to prove the stuff in court. Think of this as a bonus: she has let you know in advance how she is going to lie, which gives you time to come up with evidence that contradicts her assertions.

Quote:
She makes nearly double my yearly wage and has more assets and is asking for full custody.
Of course she is, otherwise she would have to pay child support.

Quote:
A month prior she grabbed me and shook me while screaming in my face. As per my lawyers advice I included this in my response to her served documents.
Next time call the police.

Quote:
This is also her argument when she removed them on more than one occasion and significantly limited my contact with them.
If she ever restricts your access to the kids ever again, consider that to be a major emergency. Get advice here, talk to a lawyer, and do it immediately.

Quote:
I am at a loss and am wondering what I should expect as we are beginning the court process soon. The thought of losing time with my children this way is terrifying to say the least.
I get the impression that you feel that this process will be fair. Expect it to be unfair. Expect her to play dirty. All that matters is getting the shared custody. Don't ever agree to a second less than 50% or you will eventually lose everything. Keep yourself laser focused. Keep on sending offers to settle.

Don't settle for less than 50%. This forum is full of fathers who settled for less than 50% for the "sake of the children" and then had the children ripped out of their lives a couple of years later. It is a trap. They will offer you 35% of the time, or a nice equalization in return for giving up custody. All that matters is 50%, just focus on that.

Also, this situation seems ripe for a fake allegation of domestic abuse. Start recording all your interactions with her, and try to avoid being alone with her as much as possible.
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  #7  
Old 10-12-2019, 01:30 PM
Wid Wid is offline
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Thanks for the advice. It is hard to hear and comforting all at once. So when you say keep sending offers to settle, that would be in regards to the custody? All I care about is 50%, everything else just looks like nothing when up against my children.
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  #8  
Old 10-16-2019, 12:16 AM
calvinfive calvinfive is offline
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50% assets and debts dating beginning of marriage
50% custody (joint custody)
50% access (2-2-5-5, 2-2-3-3, week about, etc)
offset child support

Don't get suckered into her lies and statements. Don't even waste time justifying yourself or explaining yourself to her. Heck, don't even talk to her unless you absolutely must for your children, i.e., telling her about medication that you gave,etc. Keep the focus on your child and keep doing the right things.
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  #9  
Old 10-16-2019, 12:17 AM
Wid Wid is offline
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Amazing! This is my focus. I will not settle for less. So nice to see others support this.

Thank you
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  #10  
Old 10-25-2019, 12:39 PM
tonytwist tonytwist is offline
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Wished I had found this forum 7 years ago. Would've saved me from a lot of heartache and money.
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