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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #31  
Old 09-24-2019, 03:01 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
The mother here is fine. She had lost custody. Now she is set to regain custody because of the death of the father.


This is a disaster for her children. Even though her ex is dead the mother is still posting full of anger. The kids are about to be yanked away from their stable home and forced to live with what appears to be a very unstable mother.


I am honestly upset that we are helping this mother at all. I get that everyone deserves a fair shake etc etc but we are potentially screwing over some kids here.


I've glanced at this thread a couple of times and each time it makes me question my values. As a forum, I think we have really fucked up. I can't know for sure, and I'm certain the mom will post that she is a wonderful person, but my gut feeling says otherwise.
We can't know. True.

But one way to look at it is that- just like criminal law- everyone deserves fair representation. Even the most heinous guilty people deserve proper defense in a court of law. The same thing applies to this mother. We don't know her circumstances- but , at minimum, she deserves some help navigating this system that is not set up to help self reps. And if the original custody arrangement was set up in the children's best interests- I guess we have to hope that it stays that way.
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  #32  
Old 09-24-2019, 03:31 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
The mother here is fine. She had lost custody. Now she is set to regain custody because of the death of the father.


This is a disaster for her children. Even though her ex is dead the mother is still posting full of anger. The kids are about to be yanked away from their stable home and forced to live with what appears to be a very unstable mother.


I am honestly upset that we are helping this mother at all. I get that everyone deserves a fair shake etc etc but we are potentially screwing over some kids here.


I've glanced at this thread a couple of times and each time it makes me question my values. As a forum, I think we have really fucked up. I can't know for sure, and I'm certain the mom will post that she is a wonderful person, but my gut feeling says otherwise.


I donít see any anger in her messages other than She was served with an affidavit that did not admit the custodial parent had died. If there is anger about access to her children it is warranted.

My husbandís ex pulled a similar stunt by saying his kids were afraid to be with him. She even claimed that he was supposed to have supervised access. NOTHING was ordered and she had NO proof of this. Anyone can claim anything in an affidavit and many alienators claim the children are afraid to be alone with a parent. This has been ongoing for two and a half years. 12 and 8 are prime years for influencing behaviour. This woman didnít wake up one day and say now I can file a motion to get them back. She has been working on this for three years and her ex has thwarted the process along the way.

Yes there are details lacking and she could be a terrible person but the fact is the children are grieving and a parent who cared about their well being would say lets reach out to everyone to help with your grief. I never saw her as saying she wanted to rip them away from their habitual residence, just that she was fighting for ACCESS to them and now their custodial parent is dead.
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  #33  
Old 09-24-2019, 03:53 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
The mother here is fine. She had lost custody. Now she is set to regain custody because of the death of the father.


This is a disaster for her children. Even though her ex is dead the mother is still posting full of anger. The kids are about to be yanked away from their stable home and forced to live with what appears to be a very unstable mother.


I am honestly upset that we are helping this mother at all. I get that everyone deserves a fair shake etc etc but we are potentially screwing over some kids here.


I've glanced at this thread a couple of times and each time it makes me question my values. As a forum, I think we have really fucked up. I can't know for sure, and I'm certain the mom will post that she is a wonderful person, but my gut feeling says otherwise.
If she was just going to yank the kids from the stable home they are in then I would agree with you. She seems to have a more balanced approach to it though with making it a gradual process.

People do have issues in their lives with mental illness etc. Some know they are having issues and get help, others do not.

Just throwing this out there, if it was a male posting this, would you still have the same gut feeling?
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  #34  
Old 09-24-2019, 08:37 PM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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Mom is living a nightmare because the system is broken and the system has failed her kids. She has been chasing her tail trying to navigate a system that is broken and run by people who don't give a shit about the emotional and financial torture of divorce, especially for those who didn't bring it on themselves and who didn't sign up for it. I don't read any anger in her posts. She sounds stable, sound, and reasonable. The only thing she is short of is money for a lawyer. That is no surprise. The broken legal system is meant to drain you completely and fill the pockets of lawyers.
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  #35  
Old 09-24-2019, 10:51 PM
Mother Mother is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helpmyspouse View Post
Mom is living a nightmare because the system is broken and the system has failed her kids. She has been chasing her tail trying to navigate a system that is broken and run by people who don't give a shit about the emotional and financial torture of divorce, especially for those who didn't bring it on themselves and who didn't sign up for it. I don't read any anger in her posts. She sounds stable, sound, and reasonable. The only thing she is short of is money for a lawyer. That is no surprise. The broken legal system is meant to drain you completely and fill the pockets of lawyers.

Not only it is broken completely, it is based on a principle that has no legal definition. I am talking about "In the best interest of the child" principle:


Principles in Determining Custody
When a court decides a custody case, the same principles apply whether the case is decided under the CLRA or the Divorce Act. Under both statutes, the issue of custody is determined on the basis of the "best interest of the child". The CLRA lists a number of factors in section 24(2) that the court should consider when deciding what those best interests are;


Factors in Deciding the Custody


Section 16(8) of the Act states that, in making an order for custody or access,


the court shall take into consideration only the best interest of the child of the marriage as determined by reference to the conditions, means needs and other circumstances of the child.


The Act does not give a definition of the "best interests of the child", not does it direct the court to any specific factors to consider.


How the heck can the system/law that does not give a definition to the most important principal it is based on work? It is broken from the point of view of the parents. it works perfectly fine for lawyers and judges. No matter what, their pockets are full of cash.
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  #36  
Old 09-24-2019, 11:35 PM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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Mother, you state is perfectly. In my case best interest of my children means to bankrupt me so I can't financially care for them on my own anymore. Oh but at least their father will be financially cared for... by ME. Since when does a grown ass adults need trump that of children???? Yes, a broken system that is enjoyed only by lawyers.
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  #37  
Old 09-24-2019, 11:37 PM
Mummaa222 Mummaa222 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
The mother here is fine. She had lost custody. Now she is set to regain custody because of the death of the father.
No...the mother is actually not fine! Perhaps you should read all of my posts? I am worried sick about my daughters right now...literally sick to the point that I have not slept more than 3-4 hours a night and don't remember the last time I ate a real meal. But this isn't about me...this is about 2 little girls who have been and still are being emotionally and mentally abused. If my ex hadn't convinced me that I had to pay him before going back to court I would have fought back right away.
My girls were doing great during visits and we were bonding. As a recent example: I had a full themed Harry Potter birthday party for my 14 year old and even hand carved a replica wand for her. When she walked in the house and saw the room she turned to me and her eyes lit up and she smiled so big! When she got back to her dad's she said she colored in her bedroom. That was the usual feedback from her dad... "they sat in their room and did crosswords or colored". I have no way of knowing whether they're really saying these things or if dad was making it up but I do know that their recounts of their visits is not true and I used to have pictures to prove it but they stopped allowing me to take pictures to the point of running away any time I had my phone in my hand!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
This is a disaster for her children. Even though her ex is dead the mother is still posting full of anger. The kids are about to be yanked away from their stable home and forced to live with what appears to be a very unstable mother.
If you had read all of my posts, especially the last one, I said that the last thing I want to do is hurt them more because they just lost their daddy! I asked if sole custody to me but them living with her in their home during a transition to full time with me was a thing. I'm sorry that I won't just give my kids to this woman but as I said in another post there's a whole lot that would take too long to tell. My children are showing all of the symptoms of pas and not one professional involved will look into it beyond saying they don't seem to be coached.

Yes, I'm angry! I'm angry that my girls are going through this and I haven't been able to save them. I'm angry that he died and left this mess knowing he knew the truth about what is really going on. I'm angry that he would hurt/allow someone to hurt his daughters for this long.

I was married to him and had 2 beautiful children with him... I loved him as a man at one point and still as the father of my children. I am also grieving even if it's not acknowledged by anyone. My days are now filled with memories I had chosen to forget. My days are spent breaking down as soon as my daughter is gone to school and I'm alone.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
I am honestly upset that we are helping this mother at all. I get that everyone deserves a fair shake etc etc but we are potentially screwing over some kids here.


I've glanced at this thread a couple of times and each time it makes me question my values. As a forum, I think we have really fucked up. I can't know for sure, and I'm certain the mom will post that she is a wonderful person, but my gut feeling says otherwise.
I will never say or think that I'm a wonderful person because I'm not. I'm just a mom who loves her children and family. I've done things in the past I'm not proud of and don't want to excuse those things but I'm not sure that had I not been put through the hell he put me through emotionally and mentally (to the point that I've been diagnosed with PTSD after trying to commit suicide because I missed my baby girls and didn't know what to do or where to go) that I would have lived the life I was living. I went through therapy with a psychologist and dealt with what he had put me through. I grieved the loss of our marriage and family then and now I'm reliving it. I'm stronger now and have good support though.

Him and his girlfriend on the other hand claimed to have never once even an argument. How true do you think that is? His girlfriend has also proudly admitted to punishing my girls with no sugar for a week if they walk on the living room floor without slippers because they will leave footprints!

You can believe your gut, every professional put in place to help my children has also chosen not to believe me or help me. I know the truth and my entire family knows the truth and even my kids and their step mother know the truth. Their dad knew the truth about everything but died allowing people to believe his story and now how do I go against the word of a dead man who has been deemed a saint?
How dare you tell people they shouldn't be helping me save my girls! I need help and I'm asking anyone who will listen!!!
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  #38  
Old 09-24-2019, 11:57 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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One thing Iím having a hard time with is that no professionals are believing you on the parental alienation... childrenís lawyer, psychologist, doctors, judges? None of them are believing your story. I have no doubt you know your truth, but when many professionals are siding with your ex... one has to wonder whatís really going on.

Given the custodial parent is no longer available to be the custodial parent, I do think you will gain custody of your children, as long as you are capable of caring for the childrenís needs... but I also think it might be a long battle. Youíre dealing with a teenager that, by your own words, is alienated from you. A judge is going to take everything into consideration. A lawyer is absolutely required. You need someone to keep emotions out of it. Please donít try to do this alone . You are far too emotionally charged (rightfully so).

Have you spoken to the children since their fatherís passing? How often did you see the children before his passing? Whenís the last time you saw or spoke to your children?


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  #39  
Old 09-25-2019, 12:05 AM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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We don't know what kind of shit this stepmom is telling those kids. Maybe the kids are secrete!y hoping their mom will save them. Now that their dad is gone maybe these kids are hoping to be rescued by mom. I like the let the ocl know what's happened. Perhaps now the girls might speak freely if they have been afraid to before. Heart breaking!
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  #40  
Old 09-25-2019, 01:20 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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So sorry to hear you are going through this. Take a deep breath.

According to your posts your ex had custody and you were the non custodial access parent with unsupervised access. Plus you have custody of a child who lives with you. You have been fighting for your children for the past few years in family court because you love them and want them in your life.

Your ex has suddenly passed away.

Now your children are living with a female non biological relative who was your exís girlfriend. Your exís death changes everything. His girlfriend is likely grieving as well as your children. Have you tried reaching out to her and offering your condolences? Asking if there is anything you can do to help? Bringing a meal over? I know it might be hard with all youíve been through but sometimes itís easier to catch a fly with honey instead of vinegar. Taking the high road by being compassionate in the face of your own grief is a classy thing to do even if itís not received well...plus you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised. His girlfriend is likely reeling from his death as well as you.
This could be a golden opportunity for you to raise the bar and set a fantastic example to your kids.
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alienated, death, p.a.s., sole custody, step-mother


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