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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11  
Old 07-25-2012, 10:15 PM
KayD KayD is offline
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Congratulations! I am so happy that a great dad got his kids into a safe situation. I only wish my ex made it as easy but he's smart enough to keep his temper behind closed doors. He perpetrated every kind of abuse except leaving bruises on me, which I wish I had now, because that is the only kind anyone (read: police) ever takes seriously. I'm worried for our child but since I have full custody (due to geography, not the way he treated us), I just have to keep the faith that the values I impart in her will be enough to carry her through when he explodes on her.
  #12  
Old 07-25-2012, 10:37 PM
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Way to go! Your love for your children and hard work paid off. I am happy to hear that you hired a younger lawyer who was very supportive. You made the right decision. Happy times ahead for you!!!
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Old 07-26-2012, 06:34 AM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Originally Posted by KayD View Post
Congratulations! I am so happy that a great dad got his kids into a safe situation.
I am more happy that a parent got their children into a safe situation. The information is applicable to all parents of any gender or sexual orientation.

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Originally Posted by KayD View Post
I only wish my ex made it as easy but he's smart enough to keep his temper behind closed doors.
Some advice: The animosity you are expressing regarding the other parent is probably not helping in your parental relationship. You believe you have been abused in some manner. The best way to deal with your concerns is through the assistance of clinicians. Although it may be cathartic to make generalized statements about what happened to you and your frustration with the matter there is a medical system out there that can assist you with the challenges you are facing. I highly recommend you leverage the opportunities in the medical system to address these beliefs.

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Originally Posted by KayD View Post
He perpetrated every kind of abuse except leaving bruises on me, which I wish I had now, because that is the only kind anyone (read: police) ever takes seriously.
Psychological abuse is a subjective study and that is the challenge before the court. Without proper DV screening and cogent and relevant evidence what you present is hearsay on how you feel. Often times, when psychological abuse is claimed it can be rooted to cognitive distortions within the person being abused.

They often express life long struggles with fears and anxieties. Often times anything said to this person will be distorted and turned into a fear and expressed as a fear in affidavit materials.

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Originally Posted by KayD View Post
I'm worried for our child but since I have full custody (due to geography, not the way he treated us), I just have to keep the faith that the values I impart in her will be enough to carry her through when he explodes on her.
You are expressing a fear in anticipation of an event that may never happen. Harboring these kinds of fears may not be beneficial and can distort your cognitive function and the relationship you have to maintain with the other parent. Harboring animosity that the police, courts and others didn't believe your allegations of abuse is only going to make matters worse for your child in the long run and not better.

If something does happen, then you can react to it and resolve the problem. Don't live your life in anticipation of "what might happen next" with a negative view.

Trust is the key element to parenting after divorce... Even after all the mess (not you mess) parents still need to parent.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #14  
Old 07-26-2012, 07:34 AM
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He perpetrated every kind of abuse except leaving bruises on me, which I wish I had now, because that is the only kind anyone (read: police) ever takes seriously.
On second review of your posting you stated explicitly that you wished you had been physically abused? Why would you wish this upon yourself? Are you not happy with the custody and access arrangement? You have expressed fears that your child(ren) may be in danger.

Wishing abuse on anyone is a very negative cognitive distortion. Wishing abuse on one's self is very concerning cognitive distortion. As I previously recommended you should seek help in evaluating why you are expressing things like this.

You seem to want people to "believe" your allegations. You have expressed what can be related to feelings of "hopelessness" in addressing the abuse you are alleging occurred. It is hard to determine if you feel your situation is hopeless or the system you expected to protect you is hopeless in your statement.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #15  
Old 07-26-2012, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
On second review of your posting you stated explicitly that you wished you had been physically abused? Why would you wish this upon yourself? Are you not happy with the custody and access arrangement? You have expressed fears that your child(ren) may be in danger.

Wishing abuse on anyone is a very negative cognitive distortion. Wishing abuse on one's self is very concerning cognitive distortion. As I previously recommended you should seek help in evaluating why you are expressing things like this.

You seem to want people to "believe" your allegations. You have expressed what can be related to feelings of "hopelessness" in addressing the abuse you are alleging occurred. It is hard to determine if you feel your situation is hopeless or the system you expected to protect you is hopeless in your statement.

Good Luck!
Tayken
Good point. My frustration is with the system, specifically at the legal level. It is run by people who, I believe, have never experienced an abusive situation and, therefore, have little compassion or understanding for the kind of psychological damage it can do and make you act in a seemingly irrational manner. I say "seemingly irrational" because to someone experiencing it, it seems perfectly rational as they are in "survival mode" and off-the-cuff reacting to the stressors of their situation. I exclude the front line counselors because, while they help you disconnect from the emotional toll the situation has taken on you, and view things more like your analysis provides, they do so in a manner that is more compassionate and empathetic than yours.

In answer to your observation, I have gotten a tremendous amount of help for many years, all documented. However, just because I have gotten help and have been able to move past the fear, it does not mean that I am completely emotionless on the subject. Please correct me if I am perceiving this wrong but, your comment seems to imply that there is something inherently wrong with me if I express survivor's guilt, fear of harm to my child and frustration at a patriarchal system that contributes to spousal abuse because the "low threshold" events are judged to be not good enough to be taken seriously. I am not purporting that my feelings get in the way of my parenting. I do my best absolute best to leave emotion out and have a good parenting relationship with my ex. Having feelings on the subject does not mean you are broken, it just means you have a heartbeat.
I apologize in advance if I misunderstood your comments. I do appreciate your input nonetheless.
  #16  
Old 07-26-2012, 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by KayD View Post
Good point. My frustration is with the system, specifically at the legal level. It is run by people who, I believe, have never experienced an abusive situation and, therefore, have little compassion or understanding for the kind of psychological damage it can do and make you act in a seemingly irrational manner.
Well, I would agree that there are systemic issues with "the system" but, it is more in the way people "feel" or "believe" the way the system should behave. Courts require cogent and relevant evidence to make a judgement on.

I don't think the system needs to be focused around abuse. That is what the health care system is for. Your family doctor, a social worker, psychologist, etc... should be your first contact for dealing with "abuse". If the "abuse" is cogent and real then the clinician should be reporting it and supporting your position and if children are in danger... They are obligated to report it.

What you point out is the disconnect between the system of Family Law and our Health Care System. You would think in a country that has universal health care that it would be more involved and integrated with the Family Law system. It just isn't.

Furthermore, as the balance of probability for which decisions are made on in Family Law it is a subjective evaluation of evidence.

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Originally Posted by KayD View Post
I say "seemingly irrational" because to someone experiencing it, it seems perfectly rational as they are in "survival mode" and off-the-cuff reacting to the stressors of their situation.
Again, this is where the Health Care System should be involved and not the legal system. There are resources to assist people going through the legal system. The challenge is you can't force some one to seek mental health help and there is a huge perception that seeking help is "bad". It is quite the opposite. Those who seek mental health help versus those who claim to not need it, to be strong and independent are not probably telling the truth about the situation.

Quite the contrary judges do not hold on the balance of probabilities much negative weight on someone seeking out mental health help. In fact, if a party claims 'abuse' and hasn't sought help it brings the whole allegation of abuse into question by the party making it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayD View Post
I exclude the front line counselors because, while they help you disconnect from the emotional toll the situation has taken on you, and view things more like your analysis provides, they do so in a manner that is more compassionate and empathetic than yours.
I am of the opinion that these front line "counselors" need better training on assessing true incidents of abuse, recognizing cognitive dysfunction and properly assessing against proper diagnosis standards.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayD View Post
In answer to your observation, I have gotten a tremendous amount of help for many years, all documented. However, just because I have gotten help and have been able to move past the fear, it does not mean that I am completely emotionless on the subject.
I didn't say you were "emotionless" in fact I was pointing out the "emotions" you were expressing which map to fears and/or anxieties that is all and using supporting clinical research.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayD View Post
Please correct me if I am perceiving this wrong but, your comment seems to imply that there is something inherently wrong with me if I express survivor's guilt, fear of harm to my child and frustration at a patriarchal system that contributes to spousal abuse because the "low threshold" events are judged to be not good enough to be taken seriously.
The expression of fear is not inherently wrong. Guilt, fear of harm, and "survivor's guilt" can be all the result of cognitive dysfunction in the person expressing them. I don't know you and all I have to go on is what you post to a public message board.

When a fear becomes overwhelming it can make people over anxious and create cognitive dysfunction. Often over anxious people allow their anxieties to overwhelm them and that is when they face challenges.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayD View Post
I am not purporting that my feelings get in the way of my parenting. I do my best absolute best to leave emotion out and have a good parenting relationship with my ex. Having feelings on the subject does not mean you are broken, it just means you have a heartbeat.
But, you have to be able to name, notice and deal with those emotions in a healthy way. (CBT 101)

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayD View Post
I apologize in advance if I misunderstood your comments. I do appreciate your input nonetheless.
Message boards are not the best place to try to determine emotion. This is often the challenge parents face with email only communications. A lot can be "interpreted" without proper context because the major elements of human communications are removed.

PS: It is hard to offend me. Also, I tend to bring forward all angles to an argument. What I provide is not a diagnosis but, just observations of one's own comments as cross referenced to other materials.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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