Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

opinions please

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • opinions please

    Hi everybody
    I just wanted to see what other people who have 50/50 would think about this.
    My kids are usually in at least one extra-curricular per school year. Usually each of us puts the kids in one thing on their own time (we have the same days of the week every week, not week-on, week-off). If they want to be in something on the weekends we agree on it (I always ask him before signing them up in anything and make it clear to the kids both parents have to agree.)
    I pay for the activities myself that are on on my time and the weekend activities (he should be also paying but that's another story).
    I know my kids have a limit on how much they can do with homework etc. (they are 8 and 11).
    Lately my in-laws have been getting involved in this. They only met the kids last year (long story, my ex was feuding with them.)
    They (BIL and SIL) are older with no kids of their own and no experience with
    kids in the house. They want to put the kids in A LOT of activities because they have lots of money and they think that's what kids should do. Last year this impacted on my son's grades and I had to be the "homework" parent. There was no consultation with me whatsoever, just, "we signed him up for xyz and he's going". I always ask my ex first, even if it's on my time, because I know it can impact his time and it's just common courtesy I think.
    Ex just does whatever they say because they give him money, he doesn't have to pay and they take the kids most of the time. (Although he did get mad last year at one point because he wasn't seeing enough of the kids - but not mad enough to tell them it was too much).
    FF to this year and I get a call saying my daughter is signed up for something and it's 3 times a week, one of them is my night, and one is Saturday. So now I cannot sign my daughter up for what I wanted to do with her because I don't really think she should be out 4- 5 nights a week at 8 years old. There was absolutely no consultation at all, just "she's signed up "and she has to go. I told my ex I thought they should have talked to me 1st (especially as I already knew of a class doing the same thing, 1 night a week, cheaper and on his night). He gat downright nasty about it and basically said they can do what they want if they're paying (I wonder sometimes where he would draw the line on that.
    I think this is unfair and no we don't have signed agreement but we do have a draft agreement (which my ex holds me to at his convenience) which clearly states that we sign them up for stuff on our own time and otherwise must consult. What do you guys/gals think? Should I email them about this?
    If so, how should I word this?

  • #2
    I would definitely email him about it, true that he can do as he wishes on his time which hopefully be in their best interest, but he should discuss with you anything that may impact your time with the kids. Perhaps you should email him to let him know you have signed up both the kids for other activities that are 5 nights a week, including his time, and see how he thinks it should be handled?

    Comment


    • #3
      I would ask your daughter what she thinks of the activity in question. Is she kind of indifferent, or really excited at the thought of doing it, especially that frequently? Give it a try for a bit, taking her yourself on the night that's yours, and see if she loves it. If so, be grateful, and if not, withdraw her from that night, saying you feel it was too much, and while you appreciated their generosity, as it's on your time, she is not available that night.

      PS Get that agreement signed.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
        I would definitely email him about it, true that he can do as he wishes on his time which hopefully be in their best interest, but he should discuss with you anything that may impact your time with the kids. Perhaps you should email him to let him know you have signed up both the kids for other activities that are 5 nights a week, including his time, and see how he thinks it should be handled?
        LOL What I thought!
        However I was thinking more along the lines of an email letting him know that he is violating the agreement. He will not respond to email no matter what I send so it has to be "negative billing" style. He also will not pass this on to the in-laws except to spin it so I seem evil. They are not bad people but just don't get it - they don't always respect the boundaries and he encourages that.

        Comment


        • #5
          I agree RIOE but like I said I can sign her up for the same activity one night a week - and them doing this kind of trumps my ability to sign her up for anything else. This was not her idea-she wanted to do something else AND this after it was presented to her as their idea. Now the "something else" is going to be too much. This is the 2nd year in a row they have done this - without talking about it with us ahead of time- and I believe the kids need some downtime too. They are already having to switch houses, I think being out 5 nights a week is a little much for them. They are already complaining about nit being able to relax.

          Comment


          • #6
            Hmmm. As the parent of older teenagers who never get off of the couch except to party with friends, this is a discussion I no longer have context into... I would look for the kids to develop passions outside of school regardless of who's 'night' or 'week' it is. Keeping those kids busier was somethg I should have done. Re the costs and the "outlaws", put the kids in hockey horsback riding, go cart racing and skiiing (you see where I am going). Engage the inlaws and redirect their $$$ at activities your kids would like that you cant afford. OK that was kind of flakey, but at least they are there, have $$ and want to part with it. Most divorced families can't afford activities.

            Comment


            • #7
              Have you ever tried to communicate with your inlaws directly? They may have thier ideas but they may also be respectful to the children's best interests - for real. Next - is try again! (jjust in case you have). Last thing - is possibly your childrens school. Maybe they can help with this somehow if it is impacting thier academics (even at the ages of your children now). Sort of an informal mediaton for the sake of the children.

              Comment


              • #8
                I would talk to the inlaws and tell them what you are feeling. If that doesn't work (which it should) I would just not take the children to the whatever event on your parenting night or day. Tell them the kids are exhausted. They are encroaching on your parenting time. A draft agreement is not an executed agreement. Don't be such a doormat.

                Comment

                Our Divorce Forums
                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                Working...
                X