I think my kids need help!

[AngieJ]

I'm wondering if anyone could recommend a good counsellor for family/kids to deal with Separation in the Ottawa area.

My X and I separated in May 2011, I moved out of matrimonial home Sept 2 2011 and X moved to his new place Sept 30 2011 (his place is about 800m away from my apartment - good for kids). We have 50/50 shared custody, 1 week with mom 1 week with dad.

My X and I get along just fine, there seem to be no issues, and we communicate great.

The problem seems to be with the kids, their behaviour has been getting worse and worse over the last few months. Not directly with me or my X, but with each other. The boys both have ADHD, they are 6 and 10 (11 in Feb) and they are fighting constantly, hitting (with fists and other objects), screaming, shoving, throwing things, etc, etc, just generally hating each other and actually telling each other that. THEY ARE SOOOOOOO ANGRY!

My X and I have discussed these issues on several occasions, just us alone trying to come up with ideas on what do to or how to handle it, and we have also had many discussions with the kids (together the 4 of us), and we have tried to get the kids to talk to us, but at the time, the kids are always FINE, nothing they need to talk about.

I am at the end of my rope and really stressed about it

I find that it's difficult to enjoy the time I do have with my kids due to this constant fighting, most of the time lately they have to be kept separated.

Any advice would be most welcome! I just don't know what else to do, I lost it this morning and broke down bawling like a baby (kinda freaked my kids out, they've never seen that before).

Thanks,
Angie

[May_May]

Hi Ang...I can't help you with one in your area...I bring my eldest to one in York Region who specializes in teens and pre-teens.

One suggestion (it works for us when they start fighting more) is to have special 'one-on-one' time with mommy or daddy. If possible during the 'off' week can one of you take one child for some special mommy or daddy time ? I know my children struggled because there are less opportunities now, having only 1 parent at home at a time, to get individual attention as there aren't 2 parents to split...

Just a suggestion Good luck. I had a 'cry' about it too and that's when I ended up with my eldest at a counsellor...

[standing on the sidelines]

they do need someone to talk to. Contact your family doctor and they will have suggestions on who to see especially since both boys have ADHD. There have faced so many new changes in the last little bit that they are probably both feeling overwhelmed and that they have no control, their whole world has changed and it is hard for any child to handle. Maybe talk to the older one and give him encouragement to help his younger brother through the changes and tell him how his younger brother needs him.

[AngieJ]

Thanks May_May!

That is a great suggestion, in fact my oldest did spend some alone (one-on-one) time with his dad this past week, which left me alone with our youngest. It was nice to be able to do that.

I will talk to the X today when I drop off the boys to see what he thinks about making this a regular thing, alternating the kids, so that way each of them once a week gets time with mom or dad.

Angie

[AngieJ]

SOTS - Thanks, good idea! I will call the doctor's office next week.

I now that with kids with ADHD, anxiety and stress can present itself as anger, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.

Angie

[Gary M]

Ang,

Mine went through the same, although they were older and could do more damage

I could reccommend someone to you if yours were older... the guy I know is the best there is -bar none- but his specialty is teens.

As has been suggested, though, the resources to help you find someone suited to your/their situation are out there - start with the family doc.

The good news is that it's a symptom of the stress and so it does go away with time and love... Mine (when with their Mom) were physically beating each other daily to the point that a SW threatened to step in and remove them from her care. Scary stuff for an 11yo girl and 12yo boy :-/

Note (hard line follows): Their behaviour is a symptom... it's due to problem that's bigger than them. I know that you say that all is rosy between you and your ex, but I urge you to have a good hard look at how things really are in your home and in his... If all was peachy, I suggest to you that the kids would be peachy too. It's your (the global "your" not "YOU Angiie") fault that this is happening - and you have to fix it. Just sayin'

Cheers!

Gary

[May_May]

Ang-One additional comment...as I now have a counsellor for my eldest (13) who specializes in pre-teens and teens...I am also having some sessions with her on my own to find out how I can improve their environment at home, and helping them adjust to the new 'normal'.

[ddol1]

Hi AngieJ, sorry to hear of your inner turmoil - for this I fully understand...... I am so tired of breaking down - I admit it has gone into overdrive again - one hour, one day at a time.

But here goes........
Call 211 - this is the Ontario services info line. Ask for your local crisis center telephone number - open 24-7 365 days/year. (these people are helping me now), have access to nearly everything and anything under the sun and have the contacts/pull to get what is required for your kids. More importantly they can have an opinion from experience on matching the reasource with the problem - YOUR problem! So you can get to the right person/persons now.

If you follow me at all my GP is the number one go to person for me but even he has his limitations - the crisis people will have your answers. I also think you could find the local teens 24hr? access crisis line who are there to talk to kids/teens but I am sure you would be speaking with a knowlegeable person in where to go for help. As of late I am learning on a personal level that getting help early usually makes it easier for them to help you and to help your two children........

No expert - but if you are working with your ex then by you all being willing to JOIN in the process of getting thier help - it can only make things easier for them. Mom and Dad can both be there for them.

hope this helps you AngieJ

[wretchedotis]

Maybe you could look for some resources through their schools?
I know I was pulled aside as a kid and went through some sort of program when I was a kid - as it was recognized I was in a high risk demographic having lost my father when I was quite young.

[AngieJ]

Thanks for the tips, have a list of things to start working on ASAP and I have also talked to the X about getting the kids and us into a counsellor, he's on board to do whatever we can. I certainly think that getting some help for myself and learning how to help my kids through this is the best thing I can do.

Wretch- My oldest sons teacher actually approached me the week before school holidays to mention a program they have at the school, "The Rainbow Program" for kids to go and sit with other kids in their age group dealing with similar situations. I advised his teacher that I thought it would be a great idea for my oldest to join this group.

Thanks everyone

Angie

[inseperationhell]

I am outside of Ottawa and my kids are with Open Doors - they get individual counselling to deal with the seperation and divorce and any help/services they need - it is free, a social service agency funded through Children's Mental Health. It has given my kids everything they need to deal with their feelings/reactions and fears to the new reality of their family situation. They service Lanark County, Carleton Place, Smith Falls, and Perth. Give them a call and they may be able to point you to their counterpart agency servicing Ottawa.

[AngieJ]

I am outside of Ottawa and my kids are with Open Doors - they get individual counselling to deal with the seperation and divorce and any help/services they need - it is free, a social service agency funded through Children's Mental Health. It has given my kids everything they need to deal with their feelings/reactions and fears to the new reality of their family situation. They service Lanark County, Carleton Place, Smith Falls, and Perth. Give them a call and they may be able to point you to their counterpart agency servicing Ottawa.

Thank you! I will add it to my list of things to follow up on. I'm actually just South/East of Ottawa in Embrun, so maybe there is something out here with the Eastern Ontario Health Unit that may help!

Angie

[Gary M]

Angie,

BE CAREFUL when putting your trust in centres/organizations that provide kids' social/mental-health services.

I am not saying that any or all of them are "bad" but I have personal experience that definitely falls into the "extremely bad" column.

I don't know what to tell you other than be careful, do research, and ask for advice from professionals like family doctors.

These places are *businesses* and you/your kids are clients - never forget that.

Sorry if this seems negative, but my son was almost lost before I became aware of what was going on and intervened. He was suicidal, was referred to Kinark for help, was pushed to the front of the line for intake due to the the urgency of his situation, slipped through the cracks, and ended up sitting in a room with a complete flake with a degree in Divinity. I'm not suggesting that a flake with a degree in Divinity is a bad thing (OK, OK, I guess I am) but when an M.D. and 2 social workers so strongly believe that a kid's life is in danger that they put their credentials on the line to circumvent standard intake routine, the kid obviously needs the help of someone other than a fluffy peace and butterflies flake (did I say "flake" again?) who, when (s)he bothers to show up, talks to him about God and Bad Daddies.

My son was suicidal because he, at 12 years old, couldn't figure out how he was going to step into my shoes and take care of his useless POS mother who wouldn't work and just lay in a heap in the middle of the floor (no kidding) sobbing hysterically FOR MONTHS. He needed help in a big way and didn't get it.

My case is likely one-in-a-billion, but it CAN happen.

Yeah, I'm a little passionate about this... What "parents" can do to their kids is bad enough, but when the "system" compounds the problem things get ugly.

He eventually got the help he needed here in Ottawa - from a private clinician.

Cheers!

Gary

[AngieJ]

Thanks Gary much appreciated.

My plan is to start with my family doctor and go from there. I have also heard some amazing things about a counsellor here in Russell who has helped a few people that I know.

One Step at a Time, but I will get them the help they need, no matter what it takes.

Ang