Therapist for Child, is it reasonable to ask why?

[FirstTimer]

So my ex has asked for my permission to see a therapist.

He has had temper tantrum issues but he has improved a lot at Montessorri school and at home. He doesn’t have his meltdowns and noticed he has really matured since last year as even noted by his teachers at school.

My concern is she is rehasing the child abuse allegations as she had reported it to the Police and they closed the file as it wasn't credible, I have the police report that confirmed this.

So to confirm if this is actual relevant issues, as she has mentioned prior that if the cops don't believe her, then I'll get a therapist to believe me.

I asked her in email how he behaving at your household that requires therapy and what do you expect it to resolve as I would like to know as this is a two way street in terms of parenting and it’s best interests of him to have two involved parents equally invested in his wellbeing.

We've been told by multiple therapists that cooperation from both parents is neccessary as we can apply lessons from the therapist into both homes to provide consistency.

Her response was nothing, and "it's been a rough few years" and I will talk to therapist about my concerns to them only.

My stance right now is, no I'm not giving you my consent if you are not being open about what it is that concerns him which is not in his best interest

Is it reasonable for me to say no, if she refuses to explain.

[rockscan]

You could do this instead to show some reasonable behaviour: tell her you want the names of three therapists she is recommending. Then you contact each one and ask them what they specialize in. For instance "helping children through divorce", "helping address behaviour issues" etc. If any of them tweak your spidey senses you cross them off your list. If you get one or two who seem ok, you tell her you will agree to ONE session where all three of you are in attendance (do NOT agree to her going without you) so you can all discuss issues and resolutions. You will not agree to any therapy sessions without your involvement.

OR you can say no you havent witnessed any concerning behaviours.

I say try because then if you get a therapist who says theres no issues you can use that against anything she tries to throw at you. You were reasonable in going, the therapist said no concerns, her issues are created herself.

[stripes]

Does she have a particular therapist or form of therapy in mind, or is this just a general "he needs therapy"?

Why not suggest that the two of you meet with the therapist together, in advance of the child beginning therapy, so that you can each present your concerns and views?

I think it would be tough to justify denying therapy altogether, especially if there have been issues with the child in the past, but it's completely reasonable to say that you both have to be on board with the form of therapy and the chosen therapist and you'd like to work with her on this.

[FirstTimer]

Great questions. This was exactly what happened in back in November after the police came back and closed her file. She contacted a therapist that specialized in child sexual abuse. I called her myself and we had talked on the phone about my concerns as well with his temper etc. I fully am aware that by they don't do witch hunts or do fact finding, they are only in for the best interest of the child. Therapist recommended that we both take turns taking him in so I agreed to it as that sounded really good and she sounded very competent.

My ex attended the first session, and I had then said okay therapist mentioned I should go next, when is the next time. Her response was that she would cancel all appointments with the therapist as she was not told that and that she no longer feels "safe" and plus this therapist is a 40 minute drive and too far away.

The following week, she asked for me to give consent to a therapist in Kelowna, BC that specializes in parenting alienation to which I said no obviously.

I strongly believe therapy to help him but both of us have to be on board, open and transperant. He's already been through enough.

So if I've already tried to be reasonable and did go with her therapist...what do I do next?

[rockscan]

Therapist for Child, is it reasonable to ask why?

Tell her you want the names of the therapists she recommends. You also want to know what the issues are that require therapy. See what her therapists say and call your own three if you want. Then you tell her you will only agree to therapy on the following conditions:

1. Its a therapist you BOTH agree on.
2. The therapist you pick focuses on kids issue (ie behaviour).
3. You BOTH attend sessions or kid attends alone with the two of you having an introductory appointment.
4. Information from the therapist is shared with BOTH of you.
5. You agree to however many sessions the therapist feels is necessary initially (ie five) and REASSESS after that if more sessions are needed.

Your kid may need therapy to deal with his mother. Remember that for the future. Therapy can help your kid cope with this madness and his best interests are priority.

ETA you should also add that failing to adhere to any of the conditions means no more therapy and no more agreeing to therapy as it only suits her purposes. She cant put him in and then pull him out when shes not getting what she wants.

ETAA how she feels (shes not safe) is irrelevant. Therapy is for the kid right?

And make sure you get all this crap in writing!!!

[LovingFather32]

A few things I learned:

1. Has she taken "Parenting After Divorce courses"?

Often times it's the parent who requires the education/intervention in order to properly communicate, etc with the child.

2. Go through family Dr. Therapist must be neutral, registered/certified.

Neither of you know the therapist. Proper licensing is very important!

3. Therapist must have experience with children going through separation

You don't want some unqualified shelter ad-hoc therapist who has assisted your ex from the outset doing the sessions .. trying to prove that the child witnessed abuse. What a ridiculous scenario that would be! You want one fully licensed, qualified and that has much experience with children going through separation.

4. You need to be included in everything. Yes, she needs your consent.

5. Look for groups/drop in's etc that assist your child with her emotional awareness, emotional regulation, coping strategies, etc. Here in Ottawa I'm a huge advocate of "Mind Masters" and "Fun Friends"

If all of the above criteria are met .. your consent shouldn't be an issue.

A child's mind is a delicate thing....just make sure the above points are met.

[FirstTimer]

Thanks for putting it in bullet form.

This is where the impasse is, she refuses to give any specific behavior issues and only wants to divulge it to the therapist. Which to me says she is trying again. I have full confidence that therapist will call bullshit but she's going to be "coaching" him and putting hin through that again(we are going to case management judge later this year on custody)

Basically, points 2,3,4, and 5 are now impossible because of that. At least I can send her this in bullet form and have an email trail that I am being more than reasonable for his best interest and not serving her own interests.

Tell her you want the names of the therapists she recommends. You also want to know what the issues are that require therapy. See what her therapists say and call your own three if you want. Then you tell her you will only agree to therapy on the following conditions:

1. Its a therapist you BOTH agree on.
2. The therapist you pick focuses on kids issue (ie behaviour).
3. You BOTH attend sessions or kid attends alone with the two of you having an introductory appointment.
4. Information from the therapist is shared with BOTH of you.
5. You agree to however many sessions the therapist feels is necessary initially (ie five) and REASSESS after that if more sessions are needed.

Your kid may need therapy to deal with his mother. Remember that for the future. Therapy can help your kid cope with this madness and his best interests are priority.

ETA you should also add that failing to adhere to any of the conditions means no more therapy and no more agreeing to therapy as it only suits her purposes. She cant put him in and then pull him out when shes not getting what she wants.

ETAA how she feels (shes not safe) is irrelevant. Therapy is for the kid right?

And make sure you get all this crap in writing!!!

[rockscan]

The whole point is to show youre thinking in kids best interest. If she was thinking that way too she would agree to those reasonable terms. Asking for your consent and then leaving you out of the discussion isnt really helpful to kid. And if she cant articulate what the issues are then there are no issues.

Youre not wrong to have your back up but judges dont know anything other than whats on paper. So when she says "he wont agree to therapy" you can counter "i agree on these conditions which are in the best interests of my child".

[FirstTimer]

Thanks, the therapist in question specializes in children and is fully licensed.

She has taken the Parenting after Seperation or at least in court about 2 months ago showed she registered for an online course.

I'm currently taking a child parent relationship course with a registered child pyschologist to help the 5 year articulate and express his feelings and communicate in a healthy way.

A few things I learned:

1. Has she taken "Parenting After Divorce courses"?

Often times it's the parent who requires the education/intervention in order to properly communicate, etc with the child.

2. Go through family Dr. Therapist must be neutral, registered/certified.

Neither of you know the therapist. Proper licensing is very important!

3. Therapist must have experience with children going through separation

You don't want some unqualified shelter ad-hoc therapist who has assisted your ex from the outset doing the sessions .. trying to prove that the child witnessed abuse. What a ridiculous scenario that would be! You want one fully licensed, qualified and that has much experience with children going through separation.

4. You need to be included in everything. Yes, she needs your consent.

5. Look for groups/drop in's etc that assist your child with her emotional awareness, emotional regulation, coping strategies, etc. Here in Ottawa I'm a huge advocate of "Mind Masters" and "Fun Friends"

If all of the above criteria are met .. your consent shouldn't be an issue.

A child's mind is a delicate thing....just make sure the above points are met.

[stripes]

Well, you can't really consent to therapy if Mom won't discuss the issues with you. You can't agree to something that you have no information about. So I think you are on solid ground to tell Mom a) that you need to know what the problems are before you can give consent, and b) you will consent to therapy which involves both parents equally. Any reasonable parent would agree to these.