Stbx not taking kids to church - including Easter

[momof2teenboys]

For the Catholics and regular church-goers out there -

We're Catholic. The boys have been raised in the Catholic church. Always attended mass every Sunday, received all the sacraments, attended Catholic school etc. Stbx was not a church-goer growing up (just Christmas and Easter) but he is a baptized Catholic and we agreed to raise them to make church a part of their regular routine.

Stbx had the boys this Easter weekend. They came home late yesterday morning so we went to the latest mass I could find (not our own parish).
Apparently they did not attend church on Good Friday and have been missing Sundays when they are with the ex. Being teens they would obviously prefer sleeping in on Sundays - I know I did when I was their age. But they attend church when they are with me and have never complained.



I'm not sure what to do about this or if there is anything I can do. I've talked to the boys about the importance of attending mass and that skipping on their dad's weekend really isn't an option. For them to have skipped Good Friday bothers me so much. It truly breaks my heart to think that all the years of faith and teachings are being thrown to the side because he's left the church. I really feel this is something I need to address with him but I'm not sure how. (keep in mind he's high conflict - NPD)



Legally - we have joint custody. I thought that decisions regarding education and religion etc were to be made jointly. It seems he is unilaterally making a change to their religious education (because it's easier for him) that is quite different from the way we agreed to raise them.



I know they are teenagers. They can make decisions for themselves or at least have an impact on the decisions. If they were both against attending mass with me and had arguments to no longer be Catholics I would agree to listen to that. But that's just not the case here. He just can't be bothered taking them so they don't go.


Advice is welcome!

[SadAndTired]

How often does Dad have them? How often are they missing mass?

The kids receive Catholic education everyday at school. Missing a few masses (although I recognize this is important to you) will not affect their overall Catholic education.

I would think a judge would only care if he switched them to a different faith.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Keep up your part and keep bringing them on your time. Soon they will be in college/university and deciding for themselves anyway. If it is only two masses a month, I wouldn't say a thing to the kids or their Dad.

Ps. Yes. Catholic here too.

[Links17]

teen boys... I would say any decision there are 3 votes, yours, the dad and the kids. If it is dad + kids vs you then you lose. Try to convince him making it clear that you recognize he can do what he wants (make sure the email says without prejudice).

[momof2teenboys]

How often does Dad have them? How often are they missing mass?

EOW - so missing Sunday mass twice a month. They attend on the weekends they are with me (and we often go saturday evening as they like to go out late Saturday nights with friends and sleep in on sundays). Not the biggest deal for them to miss on his weekends.

When I picked them up yesterday the youngest said he didn't go on friday. He asked dad to take him (he lives in Toronto and we've attended the procession in little Italy in other years) and dad said he decided he wasn't going to go to any "church stuff" anymore. It does bother the younger one not to go and I've had to explain to him that while it's an obligation to attend mass, if he is unable to go do to circumstances he cannot control (dad) then he should not feel bad about it. He can continue to ask dad to take him and see if he can change his mind. Eldest can take it or leave it but still goes with me when he's at home.

I would think a judge would only care if he switched them to a different faith.

But wouldn't a change from practicing Catholic to no faith also be a concern? I wouldn't bring this to any judge anyways - I do think parenting decisions should be left to parents. Just feeling this is a decision that we've made long ago and have always followed...until now.

[stripes]

It doesn't sound like dad has switched the kids from being Catholic to being of no faith. They're still in Catholic school, and they attend most masses and services - he hasn't tried to remove them from the church. There are many non-practicing Catholics who don't go to mass. It sounds to me more like Dad has a different approach to Catholicism than you do (neither of which is right nor wrong).

If you have the kids the majority of the time, you already have the strongest influence on their religious development. Pretty soon they will decide for themselves anyway. (You may wish to have a bit more of a talk with the youngest about what it means to have an "obligation" to go to mass - make sure he knows he isn't responsible for his father not bringing the boys to mass).

(Not Catholic, but a regular churchgoer. Ex doesn't go to church. Kid goes to Sunday service and youth activities on my weeks but not on her father's).

[blinkandimgone]

Agreed with Stripes. Being catholic isn't all about where you stand on Sundays.

It's great that the kids want to go, but they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not going on their Dad's time with them - especially if it was his choice, not theirs. If they express to Dad that they want to go and he's not up for taking them, they can still practice their own spiritual connection through prayer and observation on their own while at Dad's. You really can't force him to take them.

(Agnostic, married to a Christmas/Easter practicing Catholic, raised two Catholic children and supported them in their Catholic faith. One has since chosen not to practice, the other has chosen a different denomination.)

[Janus]

we agreed to raise them to make church a part of their regular routine.

Was this before or after you separated? Most pre-separation agreements are pretty much worthless. Post-separation agreements might hold some moral water, but of course they don't hold any legal water unless they are actual written agreements.

I'm not sure what to do about this or if there is anything I can do.

Legally there is nothing you can do.

I've talked to the boys about the importance of attending mass and that skipping on their dad's weekend really isn't an option.

I'm not sure how long you have been divorced, but you probably need to get used to the idea that you have pretty much zero power while your kids are with your ex. You cannot tell your ex what to do, and you shouldn't be telling your kids what to do when they are with your ex. That puts them in a very tough position. Your ex makes the rules during his parenting time, don't try to impose on his parenting time.

For them to have skipped Good Friday bothers me so much. It truly breaks my heart to think that all the years of faith and teachings are being thrown to the side because he's left the church.

If your kids cared, they would still be going to church. I'm sorry, they do not care as much as you do. That said, the fact that there are not in a specified building at a specified time does not mean that they have rejected the teachings of your religion. Hopefully you have instilled in them the moral attitudes that you wished to convey, and they will carry those attitudes into adulthood.

Legally - we have joint custody. I thought that decisions regarding education and religion etc were to be made jointly. It seems he is unilaterally making a change to their religious education (because it's easier for him) that is quite different from the way we agreed to raise them.

I get the sneaking suspicion that when you say "joint" you really mean "I get a veto and why isn't he doing it my way!"

I know they are teenagers. They can make decisions for themselves or at least have an impact on the decisions. If they were both against attending mass with me and had arguments to no longer be Catholics I would agree to listen to that. But that's just not the case here. He just can't be bothered taking them so they don't go.

So there you go. They don't mind organized religion, but they don't care enough to go themselves. This doesn't seem to be such a terrible situation.

Advice is welcome!

Bring your kids to religious services on your time. Do not worry about what happens during the parenting time of your ex. If necessary, celebrate the holiday on a different day. Go by the greek orthodox calendar or something.