Newbie-- im a sponge--

[AikidoWins]

Hi everyone and thank you for allowing me to join such an amazing forum. I was introduced to this site from a friend. I wanted to introduce myself, and give you a quick background on the issues I have been facing and hoping to get help , advice—options. HELP
After reading the post by Straittohell –some thoughts for newbies and the veterans – I have shortened my post and took away many details. You can ask questions—I will answer.
I have been separated with my baby’s mother for 3.5-4 years now and we have a 50/50 arrangement. We had a written agreement but she took me to court after that was signed. We have a Friday to Friday arrangement. My ex has many mental illnesses, and I know this because I was the one to get her help- taking her to and from the doctor and paying for treatment/counselling. Over the years there has been small issues that would have our son come home to me and it would take a few days for him to settle. The ex and I tried working things out recently building our family again—but I think her intentions were no true. A few years ago- the ex called CAS and made claims I was beating my son- turned out to be false and case was dropped. More recently she tried to do the same—Called CAS and claimed I was abusing him—AGAIN – the case was dropped as I only used discipline.
So- I know my ex is mentally and emotionally abusing our son- She has called CAS twice that was a false claim or they felt our son was in zero harm.. What can I do. I feel the 50/50 thing isn’t working and should I go for soul custody—I need help here – options—what do I do

[standing on the sidelines]

unless you have absolute proof of the mental and emotional abuse you don't stand a chance. You said you used "discipline" obviously she disagreed with it and was within her right to call CAS.

You really don't have a case for sole. People are allowed to call CAS. What other abuse do you think she is doing? If its only calling CAS twice then that isn't enough. Your son taking a few days to settle at your place could be normal or is it just recent?

[AikidoWins]

within our court order, the other partent may call tuesdays and thursdays at 6-7pm. On these calls his mother places him on speaker phone and tells him what to say to me-- just a yesterday-- our son was crying and telling me he misses me and loves me and in the background I hear " you dont have to tell him that now hang up" and he said I love you and hung up.
the " discipline" was from our son stabbing a child in the back of his head with a metal object.. clearly our son is lashing out ..
the first time "discipline" was from stealing a ipod from school.
The settling part is not recent and has always happened-- but the behaviors of the mother are escalating and I have recorded a pattern and Im just worried that the pattern will only get worst.

[stripes]

So you and your ex broke up, got back together recently, then broke up again. She has called CAS twice because of your "disciplining" your son, CAS closed the file. Now you want sole custody because you think she is "emotionally abusing" your son. Nothing you have presented here rises to the level of abuse, certainly nothing you've presented here suggests that your ex should not have custody. To me, this sounds like you are both being vindictive and using the child against each other.

You and your ex both need to focus more on parenting your child and less on your conflicts with each other. If you can't communicate well, seek help from a mediator or counsellor, but don't waste CAS and the courts' time with this.

[standing on the sidelines]

Originally Posted by Mittzu

within our court order, the other partent may call tuesdays and thursdays at 6-7pm. On these calls his mother places him on speaker phone and tells him what to say to me-- just a yesterday-- our son was crying and telling me he misses me and loves me and in the background I hear " you dont have to tell him that now hang up" and he said I love you and hung up.
the " discipline" was from our son stabbing a child in the back of his head with a metal object.. clearly our son is lashing out ..
the first time "discipline" was from stealing a ipod from school.
The settling part is not recent and has always happened-- but the behaviors of the mother are escalating and I have recorded a pattern and Im just worried that the pattern will only get worst.

oh geesh not good. Okay the settling part is normal. He just needs time to adjust from one household to the other so that's not something that you can use. Of course he will say he loves you and misses you, your his father.

I cannot see from what you have posted why there is a good reason for you to get sole custody. I know you probably don't want to post to much and that is normal, but from the facts given so far I cannot see you getting it.

The listening to the calls isn't good but until he gets older, not sure what you can do about it. Unless the court order says the calls are made in private you maybe out of luck. I would send an email to mom and say you do not agree with her listening in on speaker phone to your conversations. That way if she sends one back saying she will listen if she wants or whatever, that's evidence.

Stealing is one thing, stabbing another child in the back of the head is a different ballgame. What happened with that? Were the police called? Was CAS called by the other kids parents to report that there is some sort of issue with your son? I really hope your son realizes now what he did was terrible. Have you suggested that maybe your son needs some sort of counselling or outside help? Is his mothers mental illness something that is genetic? Could he be having symptoms of that?

I know you want what is best for your son, but you just need more then what you have posted.

[Straittohell]

One thing I will suggest is that if you guys have 50/50, stop with the phone calls while on the other parent's time. My ex and I very rarely call the kids while they are at the other parents house, because we find that it takes the focus away from their time there.

Just a personal choice for us, but it limits friction.

[AikidoWins]

Originally Posted by stripes

So you and your ex broke up, got back together recently, then broke up again. She has called CAS twice because of your "disciplining" your son, CAS closed the file. Now you want sole custody because you think she is "emotionally abusing" your son. Nothing you have presented here rises to the level of abuse, certainly nothing you've presented here suggests that your ex should not have custody. To me, this sounds like you are both being vindictive and using the child against each other.

You and your ex both need to focus more on parenting your child and less on your conflicts with each other. If you can't communicate well, seek help from a mediator or counsellor, but don't waste CAS and the courts' time with this.

I am not seeking soul custody based on the " emotional " abuse. I am basing this on the fact that her mental illness is getting out of control and I am seeing a pattern that is escalating. I have known his mother for 15 years, and I see her struggling and having a hard time raising our son. We ( mom and dad ) have sat down many times to go over a plan to co-parent, but due to her illness I see her not following our plan. She is running to CAS because she is trying to hurt me- ( she blames me for everything) and I know this because she yells at me--- " its your fault". The only one getting hurt here is our son. The emotional and mental abuse is getting really bad. I see it- and I have many witnesses watching our poor son getting hurt. What can I focus on?- How can I get her to see whats she is doing?

[AikidoWins]

Stealing is one thing, stabbing another child in the back of the head is a different ballgame. What happened with that? Were the police called? Was CAS called by the other kids parents to report that there is some sort of issue with your son? I really hope your son realizes now what he did was terrible. Have you suggested that maybe your son needs some sort of counselling or outside help? Is his mothers mental illness something that is genetic? Could he be having symptoms of that?

Yes her mother is a Hoarder. And her sisters daughter is a now cross gender man/woman. To my understanding yes the cops were called and he was talked to about how serious this was. As per the CAS -- I never got any information about that because I didn't have custody of our son after the fact-- it was his mothers weeks--

[AikidoWins]

The listening to the calls isn't good but until he gets older, not sure what you can do about it. Unless the court order says the calls are made in private you maybe out of luck. I would send an email to mom and say you do not agree with her listening in on speaker phone to your conversations. That way if she sends one back saying she will listen if she wants or whatever, that's evidence.

I will do this today. Thank you

One thing I will suggest is that if you guys have 50/50, stop with the phone calls while on the other parent's time. My ex and I very rarely call the kids while they are at the other parents house, because we find that it takes the focus away from their time there.

I will suggest this in the e-mail as well, or should I send two?

[wantmyfreedom]

Originally Posted by Straittohell

One thing I will suggest is that if you guys have 50/50, stop with the phone calls while on the other parent's time. My ex and I very rarely call the kids while they are at the other parents house, because we find that it takes the focus away from their time there.

Just a personal choice for us, but it limits friction.

In addition I'd like to add that the phonecalls show a complete lack of respect for the other parent's parenting time. You had your turn and now allow her to have her time with the kiddo.

In my own personal experience I have never interfered nor undermined my ex. If I have a valid concern I will approach on my own time. When boundaries are respected then conflicts usually decrease same.

I'm surprised CAS wasn't contacted as protocol when your child acted in a violent manner. Your kid is lashing out but you cannot blame this on your ex's mental illness. You mentioned she is being treated so she is getting help.

If you bring this to court it will be a waste of time and money for you all. Contact CAS for some referrals for child therapy. Your kid needs help ......