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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #51  
Old 11-21-2014, 08:56 AM
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LovingFather32 LovingFather32 is offline
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Please don't view these as personal attacks. I made that mistake when I first got on here as well. We listen to what you say and we provide advice based on your words. When you say kids were there 2-4 nights/week in one sentence and 1% in another, we get confused.

When you say things like "it would be difficult to share parenting time because we don't get along", we get confused and offer our opinions.

We're not here to attack you. I'm sorry you feel that way. We hear a man wanting to be with his children more and you saying no and some of us disagree with your decision to disallow him that. We analyze your validations and reasoning behind your decision to disallow him more time and comment on it.

You felt attacked by a judge also you said. Perhaps you should consider the reasons people, including judges are having issues with what you say.

He works. People work. I work and I'm going for 50/50. Being unemployed (sorry, not sure if you are) should be no reason to dismiss 50/50 from a hard working man who wants to see his children more.

There are many men who run as far away as they can. This man is not. We speak about giving you the benefit of the doubt. Sure. Perhaps he did just have a revelation and now wants to see his children more. Why not give him the benefit of the doubt. Providing him 50/50would also allow you to pursue your own career. I don't think you need to be sitting at home while he works and has the kids do you?
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  #52  
Old 11-21-2014, 09:06 AM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twokids View Post
It certainly is a complex case and i would wonder what a judge would decide.

Not sure if I should comment on the personal attacks on my character and whether or not I put my kids first or not. Everyone can have their opinions. I know in my heart i am a good mother and a good person. I also know my family well enough to know my concerns are valid

There is some confusion. My ex had very few hours a month with the kids. One day he asked to have them 50/50. I agreed to work up gradually to 30/70 because that is what we had agreed to in our separatiom agreement. I question if it is best for the kids to spend more time than that with Dad because I have some concerns.

You may not think my concerns are valid. I concede that some of my concerns may be resolved with changes or alternatives but not all.

I don't know that a judge would give 50/50 in my case because my ex cannot show a reason why he wants to disrupt everything. There is already an agreemt in place. There are laws that say it can only be changed with consent of both parties. A judge will only change it if he feels certain criterea are met.

As far as the work schedule. I strongly disagree that we ahould set a 223 and he can get his own childcare. If my ex is working 12 hour shift on a weekend the kids should not be with some teenage babysitter both days of the weekend. Dad would get home 10-15 mins before they go to bed. Then on the flip side he could be home the followimg weekend but the kids are with me. That is not a 'best for the kids schedule'

I do try to call the children so they can have access to me. We look forward to the check in, the i love yous and the kissy noises over the phone. The children are at dad's 2-4 night at a time. I don't know amy judge who would disagree with me on the phone calls being good for the children. They don't usually last more than 2 min with young kids.

I don't see that i am punishing my ex or resenting him. Yes he walked out on me when i was pregnant but that was over 3 years ago. I moved on. Just because we don't agree on an access schedule does not mean it's because i am a narcissit and i have growing up to do. Those are ridiculous judgemental opinions.

What the hell kind of forum is this?
This is the kind of forum that won't sugar coat it.

Take a read on this thread, it is a brief synopsis of how the courts look at access.
http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...eration-18320/

This is a forum that recognizes that it is in the best interests of the child to have maximum contact with BOTH parents. That ONE parent doesn't not have the right to deny another unless there is some valid concern for the safety of the child. Your writing would indicate you feel you have the right to withold, for no valid reason you can name.

I would agree with you that since he didn't exercise access early that there should be a phasing in period.

If you want a forum to hold your hand and sing Kumbaya, this isn't it. This is a forum for honest feedback.
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  #53  
Old 11-21-2014, 09:50 AM
Teddie Teddie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
Just an aside...

Do people not realize how serious it is to not offer fair access to the other parent?

Do they not understand that you need valid reasons substantiated with actual evidence to deny fair access to the other parent?

Do people that deny fair access every consider how they'd feel if the same thing was done to them?

I'm always surprised how nonchalant people who do this seem to be. They just expect the judge to believe their biased opinion on why the other parent can't have equal access to the children. I often think they're surprised when everyone doesn't just automatically agree with them.

Also, almost every time I read their reasoning to deny access, its completely irrelevant and petty and often more related to the past relationship between the two adults than having anything to do with the children.

Bizarre...
Exactly, I love this post!!!
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  #54  
Old 11-21-2014, 10:13 AM
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Back to your questions, you are correct that without a material change, your ex will not likely obtain his desired change from the existing separation agreement arrangement. Not exercising his access for the last 3 years is a concern, particularly since you state the children are thriving in the existing arrangement.

Has the ex provided a draft parenting plan for review? Has there been any discussion as to future school district, daycares, etc.? It would seem if you can come to an agreement on a parenting plan that encompasses mutual phone calls during access times, french immersion, daycares, times with grandparents, etc. many of your concerns could be satisfied.

I’m unsure as to why you disagreed with the involvement of an OCL? Yes, their involvement will likely delay the case moving forward, but having an independent 3rd party assessment can only benefit the family [and rule #1 - when a judge at a cc makes a suggestion, it is likely one you should consider].

Your offer to settle (and yes, you should send one) could include mediation, but, if you aren’t prepared to compromise your own position, is there any point? Offering to take less than table cs should not be in any offer.

Perhaps consider sending an offer to settle that includes a parenting plan on terms that would satisfy your concerns and increase his access over a gradual period of time. If they don’t accept same, then the next time you are in front of a judge at your sc, request OCL involvement.
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  #55  
Old 11-21-2014, 10:31 AM
twokids twokids is offline
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The Judge didn't suggest the OCL. He brought it up and asked me how I felt.

After I said my opinion he told me it would be helpful to him to have it. I am willing to have one and plan to request it. I honestly thought it was only for families where there are serious problems. The judge corrected me.

I shall start working on an offer to settle.
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  #56  
Old 11-21-2014, 10:36 AM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twokids View Post
The Judge didn't suggest the OCL. He brought it up and asked me how I felt.

After I said my opinion he told me it would be helpful to him to have it. I am willing to have one and plan to request it. I honestly thought it was only for families where there are serious problems. The judge corrected me.

I shall start working on an offer to settle.
Getting the OCL involved indicates that the judge feels that the current situation is not in the best interests of the children. It is good for you not to oppose it, it would have made it look suspicious.
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  #57  
Old 11-21-2014, 05:26 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
I've had 99% access with our two kids for the past several years.

Past few months the ex decided he wanted the kids more. We worked up to what is in our separation agreement and that is 70/30 split on the time.
So this is a guy that worked up from 1% access (whatever that is) to 30% access.

During that time, he's managed his time between work and parenting and has gradually increased his access time to get used to parenting the children. So why can't he work his way up to fair access? He's worked his way up 29% successfully...seems reasonable that he can manage another 20. And why do you think its your business to manage his work schedule? Does he manage yours?

I know its pointless to try to reason with someone who's got the mentality that you have but I think you're missing the point.

Look, I don't like my ex. In fact, truth be told, I think his parenting sucks in a lot of ways. I wholeheartedly think that I am a better parent and that our kid would rather be at my house than his. I also think that I understand our kid better than he does. I think his judgment often sucks. I think he's annoying. I think my child has a better relationship with me than him. I think that I know better what she needs than he does.

So what?

Its not about what I think, what I want, or what I believe to be true. Custody is about what's right for the child. And children that have access to both parents do better in life...even if those parents aren't completely equal in the quality of their parenting. You have to accept that those kids need their dad...in a different, unique way than they probably need you. Your very biased opinion is not in the best interest of your children if you don't have valid reasons to deny him fair access.

You are refusing to accept that he plays a very important role in their lives and they're entitled to have equal time with him to foster that relationship.

Quote:
8. Most of the time he does not answer the phone when i call the kids nor does he have them return my calls. I can only 'at rare times' communicate with the kids when they are at Dad's.
Maybe if you gave him fair access time, he'd be less protective of the time he has with them. Frankly to tell you the truth, I wouldn't be that supportive of someone calling the kid during my access time to make "kissy noises." Let him have his time with them. Maybe you're calling way too much. Again, this isn't a valid reason for denial of access.

Quote:
9. Ex husband won't allow the kids to go to birthday parties. He feels this is 'his time' with the kids. This is not good for the
Children.
So?

The guy doesn't have fair access to his kids. Of course he's protective of his time with them.

Quote:
10. Ex not supportive of kids relationship with grandparents. He wants to have 'first dibs' on the kids on any night the grandparents want them to come sleep over. IF he consents then he says they can go see grandparents.
His request sounds very reasonable to me. The grandparents rights are NOT more important than his parental rights with the kids.

I find it interesting that you tried to bash him for finding a babysitter during his work time but are upset that he'd rather have the kids rather than them being dropped off at the grandparent's house.

You seem to contradict yourself repeatedly in your posts. If you do that in front of a judge, it undermines your credibility.

I think the main issue you have is that your focus isn't on the kids and their needs. Your focus is on you and what you want.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-21-2014 at 05:28 PM.
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  #58  
Old 11-21-2014, 07:25 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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^^^^^^. Well said, vut I doubt if she will listen or accept it!
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  #59  
Old 11-23-2014, 04:02 PM
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Can't recall whether this has been mentioned before, but would the OP consider mediation with her ex to work out a schedule that moves to 50/50? Mediation might allow both parties to sort out the practical issues (dad's schedule is unpredictable, daycare, bedtime routines) from the emotional ones (dad is a jerk). Sometimes when we feel things very strongly (like "my ex is an idiot") it's hard to see that these things are in fact just feelings or emotions, which need to be set aside so we can deal with the practical issues. A third party (counsellor mediator, whoever) can be useful in sorting these out.

Like PH above, I think that I (often but not always) have better management skills than my ex, that there's a lot less stress in my household, and that kid has a stronger relationship with me at the moment, but I also know that I'm not exactly the most objective judge of the quality of my parenting or his. The best thing for the kid is to have both parents in her lives as much as possible. I also know that things change. The day may come when he is the kind of parent she needs and he can respond to her better than I can.

OP, please use this opportunity to try to move ahead with a plan that incorporates dad more fully into kids' lives, using third-party help (like mediation) where useful.
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  #60  
Old 11-23-2014, 06:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Can't recall whether this has been mentioned before, but would the OP consider mediation with her ex to work out a schedule that moves to 50/50? Mediation might allow both parties to sort out the practical issues (dad's schedule is unpredictable, daycare, bedtime routines) from the emotional ones (dad is a jerk). Sometimes when we feel things very strongly (like "my ex is an idiot") it's hard to see that these things are in fact just feelings or emotions, which need to be set aside so we can deal with the practical issues. A third party (counsellor mediator, whoever) can be useful in sorting these out.

Like PH above, I think that I (often but not always) have better management skills than my ex, that there's a lot less stress in my household, and that kid has a stronger relationship with me at the moment, but I also know that I'm not exactly the most objective judge of the quality of my parenting or his. The best thing for the kid is to have both parents in her lives as much as possible. I also know that things change. The day may come when he is the kind of parent she needs and he can respond to her better than I can.

OP, please use this opportunity to try to move ahead with a plan that incorporates dad more fully into kids' lives, using third-party help (like mediation) where useful.
I believe the OP is now going to consider the introduction of the OCL. And, of course, since 50-50 is not the answer for every family, an independent 3rd party evaluation would seem to be the responsible move.
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