lies, deceit and money!!!!

[tugofwar]

Tugofwar

do want to assure you that sticking to the higher ground and doing what's in your power to make the best life possible for your child is always the right thing to do. Karma isn't what's kicking you right now, your ex is. Have faith: it's going to come back and whip him good in due time.

Don't give up, don't back down. You can do it!

Thank you for the post. It's so true and unfortunately this is what it is. I have battled this back and forth and still come to the same conclusion. I also feel now, didn't matter who he was with or married to and had a child with, he would still be in the same situation, so Ive learned that it's not me or our child, it's him. Wants to do what he wants to do and we are just in the way
He wants to concentrate on building up his business, making money, meeting new people etc.. Then, continue to do that, while I just want to continue providing everything for our daughter!

[logicalvelocity]

hmmm... Fame and Fortune or ones children. Without hesitation... ones children.

[tugofwar]

So, what do I do about the increase in time? I want them to spend time together, and I know I can't force it or make him responsible in actually using his access time with her and not pon her off on everyone else.

[billiechic]

you can't control what he does. You are right to offer more time, but don't offer a lot more. Right now he has Sundays. He's supposed to get Sat-Mon soon , right? Stick with that. That's 2 days to your 5. If he really cares for his girl then he should be happy to start with that and then move towards more time.

It is not in her best interest to be with a parent who only wants more time so he can pay less. We all know that. He willingly gave you custody. That says a lot about the kind of parent he is. His actions speak louder than words. He has to convince the court to give him more time.

[tugofwar]

So karma kicked my ass bad this week for a reason! To see things more clearly, to see things I would have missed. To get me to see a bigger picture of what the "truth" really is, to test my strengths and weaknesses, to test me as a person and parent.
Thanks karma for kicking my ass while I was down at my lowest by giving me a whole new insight on what things are really like and the reasons behind it!
Thanks for doing this to allow me to let go of the past and have some hope for the future!

[Neetz]

I say stick to the times you have now...and see if he asks for more time on his own with her. My ex has a big mouth and always talks about how I should give him custody when we're in a fight. But he never once asks to have my child over outside of his scheduled hours. He made a huge deal about me inconveniencing him when I went on vacation. And he has not even asked to have her for the summer for the two weeks he's scheduled to have her because that and I quote "would require getting some time off work". REALLY??? I have already planned out one of the weeks I'd like to have her and I'm trying to figure out the other week.

Even the long weekends are a struggle sometimes as we split them and he usually says sure I will take her so long as you take her the next time. Some people just talk the talk...actions are louder than words...see if he actually wants more time with her. Doubt it if he's just about the money.

[JEC]

this stuff breaks my heart. my ex has full custody ( i regret this then and now), my girls are 15 and 17 and are so brain washed by their mother and she has them so afraid of me (this really hurts because I did everything with the girls prior to the split) that I have not seen them and she will not be a parent and bring them over or meet me anywhere neutral. this is all since April 12th.
JEC

[Kenny]

Tugofwar, I know exactly how you feel. I am not sure how many emails I have sent to my family and others where the subject line was something like "lies, lies and more lies." My case is too complex to post on this forum, but it was real enough for the National Post to research and publish.

I don't believe in Karma, but I do believe in persistence. After years of ex-spouses lying, deceitful misconduct, the children are finally where they should be - with me! My court case is in Ottawa, in two days. That being, Tue, 8 June 2010.

Good luck. I so feel for your situation.

[spiritflower]

I'm so sorry to read this Tug.
I'm actually shocked at the nastiness of separation and divorce.
One thing I am grateful for is the fact that we do not have children involved . This kind of stuff would be so very heart breaking.
We have fur babies, since we had no human children and when I think of the idea of fighting over them , it makes me realize how difficult it would be to have real kids involved.
How can they not be affected by all of this?
You seem very mature and realistic and in my experience, the universe rewards this type of attitude.

It really does take a leap of faith to believe that things will turn around to our advantage, when the world does not reflect this to us right away. Sometimes it seems like things are not going in our favour and are completely out of our control. Once we let go of our control is when it often turns around to our advantage.
The universe works in mysterious ways. What we 'think' might not be to our advantage, often turns out to be exactly what we needed to move forward to the next place.

Just keep picturing what you want the outcome to be
Step back a bit to see the bigger picture.....
and trust that the universe KNOWS far more than we ever will.

I hope this makes sense and brings you some comfort

[windiiii]

Tug, I am in the exact same boat. Ex left me with all the marital debt since they were in my name due to his bad credit. He left and only saw children occasionally. Has taken 4 stress leaves in 2 years to enjoy his summer and christmas holidays. He even used his stress leave as a reason to not come see his children at all for 2 months last year, yet he was on match.com dating. 4 months later he moved his new sugar momma in, he met on match.com while "too sick to drive to see his children" and since we were going to court a week later - asked for the kids a week about so he would not have to pay any more child support. He puts the kids to bed early and they are 8 and 13 so him and his new sugar momma can spend time together smoking on their front porch and continue their courtship.....it got to the point my daughter didnt want to go anymore because she was not allowed to ask sugar momma for anything or she got yelled at by dad. I am still trying to get what is owed to me and I, in two years, have not seen the value of his pension. Sugar momma just bought them both a new family trailer while I am still paying everything back from our marriage including our marital trailer. He is like an episode of Dateline the news show....he always has women looking after him while he sits back and enjoys his third summer off from his place of employed on sick leave...a con man!! He has a lawyer...paid for by someone...his sister, mom or sugar momma...i am self representing...its been a nightmare and my children are sick of it....did i mention he has been reporting me to CAS for 15 months with no evidence and called the police on me 4 times as well.....its been tough to go through all that....be there for my children and commute to my full time job.....but someone has to have it together for the kids....because obivously some people just do not.

[wretchedotis]

I understand. I don't agree with 50% custody because it only gives him a break in paying for the child. He doesn't want to be a full time dad or even part time. I think he's content with occasional. I don't know how else to describe it. But, when you look at a child and attach a dollar amount to it, that's just not right.
He wants to hide his money and income. Fine, whatever. To me it's not about the money!

Then why are you complaning about money?
"I don't agree with 50% custody because it only gives him a break in paying for the child".
That sounds to me like YOU are focusing on the money. How the heck can you sit there and presume to know his motivations for anything? You may have your suspicions, but they may be completely incorrect.

[tugofwar]

It continues to be about the money. He has no responsibilities when it comes down to our child. in just the few months our new arrangment started and already has forgone a few access times and pawns child onto grandparents, neighbours, family and friends.

[tugofwar]

I need help in finding a way to stay focused on our child and stop dealing with the so called games. I am tired of the continuous lies. There's multiple personalities I have to deal with but this one has a really good insider to gear them in the right direction. Always appearing to "want to do what's best for the child" all are only words with no actions. Will not use emails cause they are too formal and always wants to meet in person to discuss things.... I'm at my wits end. I highly doubt they will get past the stage of regret. Regret they married me, regret staying with me then regret having a child with me. And cause I had no other option then to take them to court " in their eyes to bleed them dry" it will never be what it could and should be. I have heard our child say mean things to me all of what the ex has taught her to say... I listen to her crying that ahe only wants to stay with mommy. Shes afraid to go to sleep on her own, if ahe wakes she freaks out until she sees me... Always telling me shes afraid mommy is going to go and not come back. The list goes on... My heart breaks and hurts for her. And it goes on. I need help and new support in dealing with this. To them it's all about controlling... I need help to get past this and just continue onwards, HELP.

[Tayken]

How do you get past all those? Why is it about the money? Our child's life/wellbeing is at state here and now it's all about the money!

This is why the courts separate matters of the children and financial generally. It sounds like you are being overwhelmed with financial settlement and children's issues all at once. You don't have to address the financial things until the children's issues are settled.

What do you do when you now have a sudden request for an increase in time with the child, not to actually spend with them but to pay less?

Unless there is a finding of abuse and/or neglect against the other parent or there is a significant status quo it may be unreasonable to deny the request. But, every situation is unique. Recommend back a gradual increase in time.

Not every request for 50-50 which is the default in the FLA is to reduce child support. If you are both working then it adjusts but, child support doesn't go away. You reach "the line" at a 60-40 split of access time. (The way of calculating CS for 60/40 and 50-50 is basically the same these days.)

That is just sick to me and can't believe I used to sleep beside this man!!!!!!!
It's sleeping with the enemy!
How do you get past all the angry and hurt? The lies? The I would rather have money than a family?

You have to love your chlidren more than you dislike the other parent. You have to remember that your children are half the other parent. No matter how much you dislike the other parent, your children should love them equally. Unless, there is some serious risk of emotional and/or physical harm.

Please don't let them get to you like this. They win if you do.

He wanted us out to further his financial position, yet lies, and hides money and is fighting me for every last penny!

This may be how you are interpreting things. Be very careful not to over react to things. They are probably piling things on you because you are self represented. They want this kind of emotional reaction. They crave it from you.

I just want my child!

Not to be mean/rude/insulting but, it is the other parent's child too. I know you are very emotional at this time but, you have to remember that at all times. Never use a statement like this in correspondence or an affidavit. It will come back to haunt you more than you could ever know.

The rest is just what is fair yet Im the money hungry beast! Seriously. He would die if he was to read some of these other money hungry people on here and what they have and are doing to get money from the ex.

Maintain being reasonable. It is the difference between a "hard" and "soft" negotiator. Here is an article that may be helpful:

You Know You're Taking It Personally When... | Published Articles | HCI Articles

When Math People and Feelings People Negotiate | Published Articles | HCI Articles

Im just asking for my fair share.
What do I do, walk away from all the money just so I know that my child will not be affected by all this? If I was to say this to ex, can I truly say he would back down from this nonsense and let me continue on providing the best for child?

This is what they want you to do. So don't. Check out the above articles and the other articles on that sight. They can help you a lot in what you are dealing with.

I just want to puke! I have not done anything immoral, I have not gone after more than my fair share, I have gone to therapy to help me and our relationship, read books, focused all my energy on our child, and for some freakin reason, KARMA LOVES KICKING MY ASS!

Continue with therapy. There is no reason you shouldn't or can't. Going to therapy makes you a better parent not a bad parent. Especially with all this conflict coming your way. Don't look at therapy as a bad thing. You can find tools for helping you cope with the stress there.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[tugofwar]

Tayken, thanks for your reply but we have final orders...... finally. Came in two parts. We separated the financial thing then dealt with custody and access later on. Therapy has helped, I have gotten stronger but there will always be something. I try hard but I know I can try harder. Just feel broken right now cause I thought we were done and over with it. But how do you reason with someone that has an excuse for everything, has their back on defense and can't see things for what they really are..... And therapy was the best thing I ever did