Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Unreasonable?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Unreasonable?

    I called ex on Monday and asked if I could have my daughter early today, as I had booked the day off and wanted to spend the day with her. His immediate answer was no, it's my time. I pointed out that he would be at work and would not lose any time with her. He said his mom was spending the day with her (but she has been with her grandmother all week).

    I just wanted an extra long weekend with her since I haven't seen her in a week and my baby was hurting from her surgery.

    I text him Tuesday morning saying I still would like to have her in the morning. He calls back later saying I could have her, but only after he talked to his lawyer. He said he was taking the "high road" and said I was being selfish for wanting the extra time. He accused me of going away for the weekend. I responded that it was none of his business, but I wasn't anyway. He reluctantly said I could get her in the morning. I told him I wasn't sure if I could take the time off now.

    So he tried calling me yesterday but I was at work, and I will not answer at work anymore because it is disruptive and we always argue. I forgot my phone charging in the car, but remembered to get in at 11:30 last night and sent him a quick text to tell him I had to work and I will pick her up at 5. He had called my cell earlier, but did not try to call the house, otherwise I would have talked to him.

    So this morning he left me a message saying his car is broken down and he won't be able to bring her until after work. I don't know if it's true or not.

    This isn't the first time he has refused me extra time. I have always accomodated him and will continue to do so long as he gives me time to change my plans. I had offered to care for her on his week during the day, as I had booked vacation to do that already, but he had refused saying that it was his time and he would arrange care for her. Again, he wouldn't have lost any time with her, and she would have been cared for by her mother.

    Am I being overly sensitive? I am hurt that I am not considered when she needs care just because it is "his time". I am her mother and I want to be there, but I would never take her away from him, he deserves her too. I don't know if the extra time is consediered "denial of access" but I told him I would be recording it. I understand he feels threatened by my bond with our daughter, but he is being selfish and not thinking of what is best for her. Wouldn't it be better for her to spend a little extra time with her mom?

    So sorry for the long post. I am just so upset.

  • #2
    You two are in the middle of a struggle over shared custody and both of you are sensitive about your time share with your daughter.

    I would hope that once custody issues settle down there would be no or at least fewer feelings of being threatened by losing an hour here or there.

    For the dad, whether she is with her grandmother or him, he wants her to feel settled in and at home so that the space is equally hers, the same as she feels your space is hers. There a lot of little intangibles besides just time with dad going on. And obviously there is a legal issue of him wanting to establish that she is under his care a certain amount of time(and she is, legally, when she is in his home, whether he is there or not).

    There isn't a right or wrong here, and I hope you know how I feel about your situation and that I empathise with your feelings. But you don't help yourself beating your head against a brick wall. Your ex is going to be a brick wall, he wants to keep things by the book, because he is uncertain and feeling vulnerable, just like you are. It's probably his natural personality that the more uncertain he feels, the more he wants to be controlling. We all have that a little bit, he is worse.

    There's a big space in your life where time with your daughter used to be, and that feels like an empty void. I had an extra day with my boy this week to help out my ex, and even so this morning I woke up and missed him so much. That pull is always going to be there.

    What you were asking of him wasn't unreasonable, but he has reasons to feel insecure. Hopefully when legal issues are settled and there is no possibility of him losing the access, he will be more flexible week to week. But in the end he will have a right to stick to his schedule.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks Mess. You exactly get what I am feeling. I understand his reasoning, even his reaction. Maybe he is counting time and trying to have it add up to something, IDK.

      Yes, he wants her to spend time with his family. I get that. The settled thing was not in play, as they had to leave his "home" for the week and stay at his mom's in order to facilitate daytime care. I was ok with that. I would rather her have been with me, but I only made the offer, I didn't make it an issue.
      Being with me today would have been the best thing for her, but her Grandmother is great and I am happy she gets to be with her instead.

      I guess this goes to show how reasonable and fair I am being (or trying to be) and that he is not capable of that right now. It is a repeating pattern with him. Don't know what that will mean in the custody "fight", but in the long run I hope he can see that I only wanted some special time with her and I will not do anything to corrupt his relationship with her.

      Thanks again.

      Comment


      • #4
        From reading your post, and please forgive me if I offend you, it seems to me that you are both still mad/upset/whatever at each other and both kind of playing games. I won't comment on how good/bad a thing that is, as I unfortunately still catch myself doing it too.

        Mess is right on point as well...

        One important point I made in all my parenting plans/offers to settle/etc. was that each of us would give the other "the benefit of the doubt".
        I am not always succesfull in thinking that way when I'm faced with the kind of thing you're talking about - but I try. So should you.
        Last edited by wretchedotis; 02-12-2010, 12:10 PM. Reason: corrections

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks Wretchedotis.

          I know, I am still hurt and I am trying to put that aside. I asked for the extra time nicely, But his reaction was a complete denial even after I explained that I was only missing her.

          I Understand that he feels threatened by me and is worried that I will get custody and he will "lose" her. I've told him over and over that I won't do that.

          He doesn't understand though how I feel. He was very controlling and is having a hard time with me standing up to him. I was always very supportive of him and did everything for the family, so now he is struggling with having to make his own decsions. It can't be easy. His reactions are always emotional at first, he often says things he regrets and has no ability to reflect. I think most people would say he is rash. that is why I have such a hard time dealing with him. He can't step back and think about how his actions or words will impact me and our daughter.

          I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and I think I've done a great job of it. For someone who spent very little time with his daughter before separation, he now has her 50/50. I could have got sole custody right off the bat and he would have had EOW etc. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he has finally started to parent her. I have gone against recommendations by my family, counsellor and even lawyers to let him make amends, at the expense of me losing time with her. I think I've given enough and it is my turn to get some "benefit".

          Maybe it sounds like I think he "owes" me something. He keeps telling me I am a great mom, but does not act like it. I was only asking for some time that was available and I think he reacted vindictively. He told me I should have said "please" even though I asked nicely. When he called to tell me I could have her he told me he was taking the "high road", it was not a genuine offer or an apology for his selfish behaviour.

          All that I am asking for is a little respect as her mother, the same respect I have extended to him as her father. Maybe it is too much though.

          Comment


          • #6
            oh, you didn't offend me either. You have to be very openminded when asking for an opinion. Thanks for the reply.

            Comment


            • #7
              In a year or two, I suspect you and him will have no issues with these sort of simple things between the two of you. It takes time, be patient.

              Comment


              • #8
                I hope so too. I will try my best

                Comment


                • #9
                  OMG Billiechic, we are definitely in the same waters....

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Can I have one of you two as my ex? Gladly trade you for my psychotic, welfare sucking, pain in the you know where...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                      Can I have one of you two as my ex? Gladly trade you for my psychotic, welfare sucking, pain in the you know where...
                      I'll be your next ex!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                        Can I have one of you two as my ex? Gladly trade you for my psychotic, welfare sucking, pain in the you know where...
                        Thanks for the compliments I think ??? As long as you have a true love for your child(ren) then we will see.....

                        And Mess- your last post is alittle scary

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Who's your Daddy Mess? LOL

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            billiechic, maybe you can ask him if the two of you can agree on allowing the other to be first choice "babysitter"? Not to interfere with grandparent time, but just in good will, offer the time to the other first if the other parent is available?
                            To me it sounds like he is very threatened by you, and trying to find ways to put you down to validate himself. It is a very vindictive thing for him to do, but definitely comes from a place of feeling inferior. Hope this helps =)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thanks Singlemama. I'm sure you are right.

                              We live quite far apart. The daycare and both of our jobs are in the middle. So taking her for a few hours is a problem, and we both live with family right now. I think it is fair to ask for the "right of first refusal" for watching her, but only if it is for 8 hours or more. I have no problem with someone watching her for the day if he has to work a Saturday or something. He has a great family that I want her to spend time with. I just really wanted to care for her becasue she was recovering from surgery. Maybe we could include it but limit it to when she is ill? Does that make sense?

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X